Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When collecting autographs, don't just focus on celebrities. Get autographs from regular folks too. You never know when a random signature might come in handy. If you worry that asking non-famous people for autographs might seem suspicious, one option is to stand near the finish line of a local foot race, and then collect autographs from the first dozen people that cross the finish line. No one will be suspicious of someone expressing enthusiasm for that kind of achievement.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, when you're done burying the evidence, be sure to remove the shovel from the scene and dispose of it elsewhere. A random shovel in a public place could garner some unwanted attention from the authorities. No matter how much crime is in your town, you can't expect someone to steal the shovel before it is seen by some nosy police officer.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if a close relative has received a DNA kit from one of those ancestry-tracing companies, you need to intercept the completed kit before it is dropped in the mail. For if the authorities get a hold of a close relative's DNA, they essentially have your DNA too. The easiest way is to offer to drop it off at the post office for the person. Then, a few weeks later, just create your own report with whatever information will most please your relative.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Seek employment at one of those companies that trace people's ancestry. There you'll have access to an abundance of DNA samples, which could prove useful when you need to throw the authorities off your trail.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you're a non-union actor who's gotten away with a felony, and you hear they're producing a television special on the unsolved crime, don't allow your agent to send you out on the audition to do the reenactment. Your presence in the program might be just the thing to jog a witness' memory.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it's never a good idea to put in the life insurance claim the same day that your loved one dies, even if you're desperate for the money. Remember that you are expected to grieve for at least a week. So wait as long as possible before putting in the claim. Maybe even miss a car payment or skip your utilies bill to show that your mind is too occupied with grief to consider such mundane matters. Keep in mind that the police and insurance companies are often in contact with each other after a suspicious death, and you don't want to draw extra scrutiny by seeming too eager.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, some of those doorbell cameras also pick up audio, even when the doorbell hasn't been pushed. So be sure to conduct any necessary conversations before you get to the scene.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you think a power outage is going to protect your identity, keep in mind that some of those security cameras, particularly the newer models, have back-up batteries. So it's a good idea to still take precautions to conceal your features.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, when on the witness stand, never be in a rush to answer a question from the prosecution. Give your attorney plenty of time to raise an objection to each question.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are on trial, pick the most homely person on the jury, and on day one begin subtly flirting with her. Something as simple as a bashful smile can set things in motion. Remember, it takes only one juror to set you free. And be sure to flirt with only that one person. You don't want her getting jealous of Juror #4 and seeking retribution against you.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while it might seem like a good idea to bury evidence in the miles of undeveloped land at the large national parks, keep in mind that those parks fall under federal jurisdiction, which means vast resources at their disposal for investigating crimes. So instead take that evidence to a state park, or, better yet, a county park in a low-income area.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While it might be tempting to make a few bucks by selling certain items to a pawn shop, keep in mind that pawn shops are now required to enter their inventory into a database that the police can access. So what little you might gain is really not worth the risk. Properly dispose of that evidence, Kiddies.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while a fake mustache can work well as part of a man's disguise, it could inadvertently call more attention to you if you're a woman.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, remember that if you are out on bail you should not contact any witnesses. Instead, have an associate do that for you.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you plan on dumping a body in the ocean, for heaven's sake, do not embalm it first! Embalming a body actually helps preserve it, and will likely keep certain fish from finding it a tasty treat.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If a stranger calls your name, don't react until you're certain he is not there to serve you papers.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you are creating false documents under a British alias, remember it is not enough to simply adopt a name like Nigel or Percy. You must also use the British spelling of words, such as "organise" and "colour."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you are driving to a wildfire to dispose of evidence, be careful about smoke inhalation. Wear a mask, and keep your time in that area to a minimum.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, you can always hire a magician to make the evidence disappear.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, don't be led into a false sense of security by scented garbage bags. They won't mask the odor of decaying body parts enough to fool seasoned police dogs.