Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your job is programming AI responses for a search engine, make sure all users' questions lead to Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I continued my work on the robot seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman. I finished building the legs and attached them to the torso. But when I did a test run, it seemed that the legs on the left side were slightly shorter than the ones on the right, and so the dog veered off to the side after a few steps. I was happy to discover that all the legs were the same length, and that I had just attached the ones on the left at a highter spot on the torso, which was much easier to fix. The next step will be sculpting the dog's head. That will be such a big job that I decided to put it off until next week when I can get a fresh start. There was an hour left in my shift, enough time to join the patients for a few hands of poker.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I spent the morning in my basement laboratory setting up the drill press, soldering station and tabletop bandsaw I purchased last week. Before I left Winsome Headquarters this morning, Grandmother cautioned me not to run too many things at once in this old building, reminding me what happened when my machine knocked the power out. So once everything was set up and ready to be tested, I made sure to operate only one tool at a time. The others I left unplugged. I'm happy to report that all the tools worked perfectly, and the power remained on. And although I was eager to begin using the tools, it was time for me to join the poker game upstairs. I had promised the patients I would spend the afternoon with them today. So my work on the robot seeing eye dog will continue next week. 

Fanny Mail: A New Contest In California

Today I received a letter from Vera Worthington of Santa Rosa, California. Vera writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the other day I read about an ugly dog contest, and it got me thinking. My daughter Shauna is not pretty. She's also not smart or athletic. She has no aptitude for baking, and has no skill in any artistic area. She's never won any awards, or even come close. I want her to excel at something, so I decided to create the World's Ugliest Child contest, following the model of the ugly dog contest. I thought it would be a fun way for children of a certain level to meet each other, and for their parents to have something to boast about. I know it sometimes takes these things a while to catch on, but I was disappointed that not a single other parent entered a child in my contest. My daughter won, but it wasn't as much fun for her as I'd hoped. In fact, she seems really down. What can I do to make this contest more of a success next year?" 

Sweetie, you can use your daughter to promote it. Have her pose in her crown and sash, or whatever she received as a prize, and post those photos on a website dedicated to the competition. And when it gets closer to the time, have posters made up with your daughter's image, and hang them in all the prominent businesses in town. It will be a way not only to get the word out about your new contest, but also a way to raise your daughter's spirits.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

During the week, I was helping Grandmother, and I didn't have time to go to the hardware store to pick up the tools I need to continue building the robot seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman. So today, after I made the patients their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, I left the Birch Street Nursing Home to go to the store. I put extra peanut butter on each of the sandwiches to slow the patients down, because I knew I'd be gone for a while. Fortunately, the drill press, soldering station, rotary tool for fine adjustments, and tabletop bandsaw were all in stock, and I loaded them into my little red wagon. The guy warned me that I wouldn't be able to return these items after using them like I did with the tools for pulling up carpet. When I got back to the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were scrubbing the last of the peanut butter off their dentures and were ready for a poker game.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I am on the road, and the ice cream business is booming at my current stop in central Pennsylvania, where there is a big baseball tournament underway. Kids, if you're bored watching your older siblings swing at terrible pitches, sneak on out to my ice cream truck. Mention this post to get a special tour of the back of my truck.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Based on the measurements I took of Mr. Pearlman last week, today I began building legs for his robot seeing eye dog in my basement laboratory of the Birch Street Nursing Home. But I soon realized that my tools, including a hammer, a crescent wrench and a set of screwdrivers, were not going to be enough. What I really need is a drill press, a soldering station, a rotary tool for fine adjustments, and a tabletop bandsaw. It looks like I'll have to take another trip to the hardware store.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I continued work on the robot seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman. It's going to be a great surprise for him. I want it to be the perfect height so that he's able to pet the dog without bending over. I knelt next to him to get a measurement, hoping he wouldn't know what I was doing. I was successful, but I did such a good job at being quiet that he didn't know I was there at all and ended up falling over me. When he regained consciousness, he asked me what happened. I told him that he had fallen and said that if he'd had a seeing eye dog it might not have happened.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When collecting autographs, don't just focus on celebrities. Get autographs from regular folks too. You never know when a random signature might come in handy. If you worry that asking non-famous people for autographs might seem suspicious, one option is to stand near the finish line of a local foot race, and then collect autographs from the first dozen people that cross the finish line. No one will be suspicious of someone expressing enthusiasm for that kind of achievement.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home early again today, but this time before heading down to my basement laboratory to work on the robot seeing eye dog, I wrote a note to the patients and left it on the poker table. I didn't want them to worry about me like they did last week when they thought I wasn't there and had been hit by a car. I got right to work, using some of the metal pieces I bought at the hardware store last week to begin making the robot dog's skeleton. After just a few hours, I got the frame of the dog's torso built, which was my goal for the day. That left me free to spend the rest of my time playing poker with the patients.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was excited to get back to work on the robot seeing eye dog, so I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home a little early today. I immediately went down to my basement laboratory, and carefully took out the robot dog, which so far was just a battery and motor. Last week I had wrapped those parts in Mrs. Chang's old sweater to keep them safe. I started today by removing all the other spare robot maid parts that Grandmother had given me and organizing them on my workbench. Once I had separated all the parts into groups, I realized there were many components I would need to get. I decided to take a trip to the hardware store, and figured on the way out I could check on the patients. They were all standing at the door, looking outside through the window. When I asked them what they were looking at, the patients were startled. They said they were looking for me, and thought I'd been hit by a car. Mrs. Lieberman announced that since I had not been hit by car, they could start the poker game. I felt bad, so I played a few hands before telling the patients I had to run an errand. I promised them I would be careful and I wouldn't be gone long. On my way back, I picked up a box of doughnuts to share with them. 

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I spent most of the morning working on the robot seeing dog for Mr. Pearlman. In the box of parts that Grandmother had donated to this project, there was a motor and a battery. I began there, connecting the two with a portion of the heap of wires Grandmother had also included. I was so excited when the motor began to hum, and I wanted to continue working. But right then the patients started calling for me. It sounded like an emergency, but it was an argument over the poker game. Both Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan had ten-high straights, and Mrs. Macmillan was arguing that because her ten was a spade and Mrs. Kunkle's was a heart, that she was the winner. Mrs. Lieberman normally rules on these disputes, but apparently she had been in the bathroom for more than twenty minutes and the other patients were eager to get on with the game. So it was left to me to rule that Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan had to split the pot evenly. 

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

The special I've been running has been a hit with the kids, and because of the heat wave in most parts of the country, I've decided to extend the special through July. For each ice cream a child purchases, he receives a big squirt of sunblock, which I spread on all his vulnerable areas for him. I've been purchasing sunblock by the gallon, and have already gone through four containers in my efforts to protect the children.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning I took components for the robot seeing eye dog to my laboratory in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home. Last night after I showed Grandmother my blueprints for the dog, which she applauded, she let me have some of the leftover parts from her robot maid. Today I left the patients to their poker game and began sorting through the materials. I quickly realized I had enough parts to get started on a certain section of the robot dog. I wanted to tell Mr. Pearlman, but decided to wait until the dog is completed and let it be a surprise.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are ever interviewed on a live news program because your neighbors committed a heinous crime, rather than offering the usual drivel about how they seemed like nice people, look straight into the camera and tell the viewers to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I took a break today from the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home to go down to my basement laboratory and begin drawing up plans for Mr. Pearlman's robot seeing eye dog. While I was working, I suddenly remembered it was the 4th of July. But since none of the patients seemed to remember, I decided to keep quiet about it.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

An occasional crime spree in your neighborbood might be just the ticket to keeping property values down so that you don't get hit with a big tax bill.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, there was a note from the head nurse telling me to keep a close eye on Mr. Pearlman because he has been getting out of his room and bumping into things all week. I was already worried about him after he wandered across the street last week, and was thinking that maybe it was time to get him a new seeing eye dog. But after the troubles with Sniffles The Eighth, I didn't think it was a good idea to get another one from the pound. So when I got back to Winsome Headquarters, I asked Grandmother for advice. She suggested I look into building a robot dog.

Fanny Mail: A Vegan Question

Kiddies, I just received an email from Jim White of Manila in the Philippines. Jim writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been a vegan now for almost two decades, but in my younger days I used to eat a lot of meat. When the local orphanage burned down last month, the smell of barbecue lingered in the air near my home for more than a week, and it got me craving meat again. After a lot of contemplation, I decided not to go back to my old ways, and I was wondering about vegan options. There are vegan foods that look and taste just like beef, vegan foods that look and taste like chicken, and even vegan foods that look and taste like pork. Is there a vegan food that looks and tastes just like children?"

I'm not aware of any such food, Sweetie. As far as I can tell, it's an untapped area of the food industry. So if you know anyone in the business, you could partner up and corner the market. If you don't have a friend in the business, try selling the idea to one of the major vegan companies.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If the men you date don't accept your word on everything, try going out with men who belong to church groups. Those people are less likely to question anything they're told.