Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, don't bother joining the new craze for old books that were produced with toxic pigments. Finding those books can be difficult, and they are rather expensive. Plus, it is not always easy to get an intended victim to read a book.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, one excellent place to dispose of evidence is the large sandbox that you'll find at some playgrounds. Within a few hours, there will be countless sets of fingerprints on it, and likely some saliva too, for young children love putting random objects in their mouths.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a note from the head nurse asking me to tell Mrs. Lieberman to stay put and not go wandering off. When I asked Mrs. Lieberman about it, she told me she had to test out her new night vision glasses before taking on any serious jobs, and had gone out a couple of evenings this week. But she promised me she had learned what she needed and wouldn't go out tonight.

Legal Advice: A Follow-Up

Kiddies, I received a lot of Fanny Mail regarding my Legal Advice post from June 17th, in which I cautioned my fans against choosing associates with nicknames like Shady Bill and Unreliable Alice. So I thought I'd better include a list of other nicknames to avoid when choosing associates:

• Forgetful Frank
• Clumsy Clem
• Incompetent Ingrid
• Butterfingers
• Treacherous Anne
• Backstabbing Betty
• Turncoat Tony
• Double-Dealing Danny
• Double-Crossing Darlene
• Cracked-Out Kate
• Club Foot Todd
• Loose Lips Larry
• Wheezing Whitaker
• Hay Fever Harry
• Chatty Charlie
• Lazy Susan
• Narcoleptic Nancy
• Yellow-Bellied Kenny
• Cheryl The Snitch
• Tattletale Tanya
• Police Informant Willie

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today while we were playing poker outside of the Birch Street Nursing Home, a delivery truck pulled up in front. This stopped the game, as all the patients had their eyes on the delivery man. Mrs. Lieberman waved him over to the poker table and identified herself to the man. Sure enough, the package was for her. Once the man left, Mrs. Lieberman opened the box and pulled out a pair of infrared night vision goggles, similar to the ones Grandmother has. While the patients were admiring them, Mrs. Lieberman whispered to me that she was getting back into business.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Speed dating is an efficient way to weed out some of the less worthwhile men in your area. But don't put off a man by asking him directly how much money he makes. Instead, in the five minutes allotted you, ask things like where he took his last vacation, which restaurants he frequents, and whether he's ever bought a new fur coat for someone he was dating. His answers to these questions will give you a good idea of his income and spending habits.

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome On The High Seas

Kiddies, I just received a nice email from Roger Cuthbert, who is currently in the vicinity of French Polynesia. Roger writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my associates and I were scoping out an island, when another boat started to get a little too close for our liking. We were about to call off our work for the evening when we saw the boat's name, The Grandmother Winsome IX. Then we knew everything was okay, and waved happily to the boat's captain."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I'm always tickled pink when my fans cross paths, especially at so exotic a location.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Sniffles The Eighth still hasn't returned to the Birch Street Nursing Home. I offered to look for another seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman, but he told me not to bother. He said that he's been falling less often without a dog.

Fanny Mail: Trouble In Wisconsin

Kiddies, just before lunch, I received an email from Scarlet Brezinski of Brookfield, Wisconsin. Scarlet writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, your legal advice has helped me avoid more than one snafu, you can be assured. I just wish I had seen your post from June 17th before I selected my latest associate. Because for the last few weeks, Forgetful Frank has caused me nothing but trouble."

Well, Scarlet, I hope you haven't grown too attached to him because it is time to cut your losses. Pay him any money you might still owe him and move on to someone with a more suitable nickname.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's been hotter than normal, so I have been doing my part to help the children stay cool. In addition to providing tasty frozen treats, today at the park I invited some of the children to come into the back of my ice cream truck, take off their shirts and lie on top of the coolers. One of the little kids got so comfortable that he fell asleep. I woke him only when I had to get to the butter pecan.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients and I spent the whole morning looking for Sniffles The Eighth. Mr. Pearlman's seeing eye dog had apparently run off during the fireworks display on Thursday, and had not been seen since. We checked the basement, the yard, and the Birch Street Cemetery, and even peeked into the ditches along the side of the road. Finally at noon, Mrs. Lieberman said it was time to call off the search and get to the poker game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Independence Day Edition

I wanted to surprise the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home today with a fireworks display, so yesterday I went to the other side of town to find Manny. He's the person who supplied me with the great display last year. I had a little trouble finding his garage, but when I did, Manny was happy to see me. He remembered me from last year, and told me had just gotten in some special rockets that I would love. It cost me my poker winnings and my salary from the last three months, but it was worth it when I saw the reactions of the patients this evening. The rockets did not disappoint. The explosions were so loud that I thought even Mrs. Macmillan might be able to hear them.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if someone asks you to speak a little louder or repeat something you just said, be aware that person could be wearing a wire.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

For the second week in a row we took our poker game outside at the Birch Street Nursing Home. In the morning, it was lovely out, but by noon it had gotten so hot that I suggested we move back inside. I was sweating, but none of the patients seemed bothered by the heat. In fact, they all kept on their light sweaters. To make sure they didn't get dehydrated, I insisted that they take a drink from the garden hose after each hand.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I told the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home that it was summer, they voted to hold the poker game outside. It was the first time they'd all been out since September, and they put away their heavy sweaters and took out their light sweaters for the occasion.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When choosing new associates, avoid those with nicknames like Shady Bill and Unreliable Alice.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today there was a phone call at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Henley was already up from the poker table, looking for cookies in the pantry, so she answered. But soon all the patients were gathered around the phone, wondering who it might be. Mrs. Henley was saying she wasn't sure when she last had her gutters cleaned, but was interested in hearing more of what the person had to say on the matter. When she was done and was ready to resume her search in the pantry, she handed the phone to Mrs. Patterson. Over the course of the next half hour all the patients except Mrs. Macmillan had a chance to discuss clean gutters with the caller. Mr. Tanaka finally handed the phone to me, saying that the caller wanted to talk to the person in charge. I told the man that the rates he quoted seemed reasonable, but we weren't interested in his service.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My special ice cream sundae Bottom's Up has been incredibly successful. All the adorable children are once again crowding around my ice cream truck, and the competition has left the area. But today I used up the last bottle of the berry-flavored medicine I had been using as a topping. During a brief lull in the action, I went to the drug store to purchase more, but the pharmacist there said it had been pulled from the market years ago.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It's important to choose associates who are in top physical shape. One way to make sure they are up to snuff is to summon them to an annual physical. At these meetings, check routine things such as weight, eyesight, hearing, blood pressure, but also check for abnormalities in their extremities. Then test the strength of their grip and perform a reflex test on their knees. Be sure not to strike their knees with too much force, especially if you are using a regular hammer. Run the associates through a series of body poses, such as a crouch, having them hold each one for five minutes without moving or making a noise. Next, confirm that they are able to hold their breath for at least two minutes. You should also test their hand-eye coordination by setting up an archery range in your back yard. While outside, have them engage in a short race, like a forty-yard dash, and measure their long jump. And before making your decision, have each person disrobe to prove that there are no easily identifiable marks, such as scars or tattoos. For those who pass all areas of the examination, celebrate by taking them out for ice cream afterward.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

While I was gone, enjoying the cicadas, a new ice cream truck moved in on my territory here near Winsome Headquarters. I discovered this the moment I got back to town, because my first order of business was driving to my favorite playground. There I was dismayed to find another truck with all the adorable children gathered around it. Rather than get upset, I went to another park, but the action there wasn't as good. The next day, the truck was again at my favorite playground. This time I immediately went back to Winsome Headquarters, where I decided to create my own special ice cream sundae to lure the children away from my competitor. I started with vanilla ice cream as its base, and then mixed in all the bits of candy I found in my pants and jacket pockets. But it didn't seem quite enough. There was no chocolate sauce or fudge in the pantry, but I did find some berry-flavored medicine, which I poured over the top. I call it Bottoms Up, and the children love it.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

To celebrate the success of my latest experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home, today I took the patients an assortment of pastries for breakfast, including chocolate eclairs and cheese Danishes. It was the happiest I had seen Mrs. Henley in weeks. She even suggested a subject for my next experiment, seeing if eating two breakfasts makes them better poker players. I told her I was going to take a break from my experiments for a few weeks, but would consider it.

Fanny Mail: Concern In Ohio

Kiddies, I just received an email marked "Urgent" from Nick Taylor of Vernon, Ohio. Nick writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife gave birth to our first child last night, but a sense of pride at becoming a father has now turned into worry and fear. When I picked my wife and child up from the hospital today, the orderly handed me a cooler. At first, I thought nothing of it. But during the drive home, I got a little hungry and opened the cooler to see what the hospital provided. I nearly ran off the road when I saw the bloody mess that was in there. Once I regained my wits, I figured that the orderly must have given us the wrong cooler since this one contained an organ. I was about to turn the car around, when my wife calmly told me that the cooler was hers, and that what was inside was the placenta. Grandmother, it gets worse. She told me she planned to eat it tonight for dinner. I didn't know how to respond. I've heard that some women completely snap after giving birth, but thought my wife was stronger than that. It's getting close to dinner time. I hear her in the kitchen now chopping the onions. What should I do?"

Grab your baby and get out of there. From what I've read, once a woman gets a desire for human flesh, she is not easily sated. Nick, both you and your baby are in danger. While your wife is busy cooking, gather up some clothing and any medicine you might need and leave the house. You can return for your other possessions when your wife is out prowling the town for more flesh.

Jane's Spring Cleaning

When going through your wardrobe to get ready for summer, do not donate your old swimsuits to charity. There is too high a chance that the crusty woman at the counter will assume it is not because of a change in fashion but because you can no longer fit into those suits.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Because my experiment was brought to a close last week, today all the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home received breakfast. And I noticed something interesting. The patients that had been in the group that got breakfast and those that had been in the unfed group now had approximately the same success at the game. So I can confirm that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I've had a good time following the cicadas, but now I'm in Missouri, and I've had enough. Even though their noise has more been than effective in drowning out other noises, I'll be glad to not hear them for another seven years. Tomorrow I'll be taking the ice cream truck back to my usual haunts, the parks and playgrounds near Winsome Headquarters.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

My experiment came to a premature conclusion today at the Birch Street Nursing Home after Mrs. Henley decided to leave the poker game. Since the goal of the experiment was to determine whether breakfast is indeed the most important meal of the day by seeing how those who didn't get the meal performed at poker, Mrs. Henley realized the way to get breakfast was to stop playing. The other patients in the unfed group quickly followed her lead. However, based on the data I was able to compile over the last four weeks, I think it's fair to conclude that it is important to have breakfast.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, I’ve received a few emails from fans letting me know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and that one of the suggestions made by psychologists to improve mental health is to keep a gratitude journal. While I know it’s a little late in the month to be commenting on this, it's important to point out that not everything you’re grateful for should be entered into the journal. The night watchman at the bank having a nasty bout of diarrhea and the woman's screams being muffled by her turtleneck sweater would not be wise entries.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you suspect an associate is wearing a wire, invite him or her to take a dip in the pool before discussing business.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The internet is back to normal at Winsome Headquarters. It was down for several days because Grandmother's new robot maid had gained access and change the password. It's a shame that Grandmother had to dismantle another robot, but I'm glad we can get online again. Anyway, at the Birch Street Nursing on Saturday I continued my experiment to determine whether breakfast really is the most important meal of the day. The unfed group of patients did poorly at the poker table, the same result as the previous three weeks, adding evidence to the notion that breakfast is important. The experiment will continue Saturday.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

My new experiment continued at the Birch Street Nursing Home today, as I attempt to answer once and for all whether breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Each Saturday for the duration of the experiment, I'm withholding breakfast from half the patients. And then I see how not starting the day with the meal affects their poker play. The first two weeks showed a significant difference between the fed group and the unfed group, and that trend continued today. However, I could not count some of the hands toward my data, because members of the unfed group got so frustrated sometimes that they threw their cards on the floor, and those hands weren't finished. I'll be curious to see how they do next Saturday when the experiment continues.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Is breakfast the most important meal of the day? My new experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home is designed to answer this important question. Each Saturday for the duration of the experiment, I'm withholding breakfast from half the patients. And then I see how not starting the day with the meal affects their poker play. Last week, the unfed group won only twenty percent of the hands, and one of the players from that group took bites out of two of the cards. On Monday, I bought a new deck of playing cards, and used the laminating machine at school to protect each of the cards just in case Mrs. Henley tries to take a bite out of another one. And I'm glad I did, because more than once I saw her putting a card in her mouth. The data today backs up what I observed last week, that breakfast is important. The unfed group did even worse this week, winning only sixteen percent of the hands. I also noticed that the unfed group was more likely to complain about getting bad cards. The experiment will continue next Saturday.

Fanny Mail: A Fan Scores In Edmonton

Kiddies, I am catching up on some email that I received in the past week, including a message from Tristan Brown, a fan in Edmonton, Alberta. Tristan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what a game last night! I hadn't been to a hockey game since I was a kid. But after I read your legal tip on a good way of getting rid of a hat that might have been visible on security cameras, I bought a ticket and went to the arena. As luck would have it, one of the stars of the home team scored a hat trick. Hundreds of hats went flying onto the ice, including the one I used at a job a week ago. Thank you for that wonderful tip and for rekindling my interest in hockey. I had a blast!"

Wonderful, Sweetie! I actually was watching that game, and it tickles me to know that one of the hats I saw flying from the seats was yours. Enjoy the rest of the series.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

All week at school I thought about the plan for my next experiment, and this morning after talking with Mrs. Lieberman I decided to move ahead with it. I had to run the idea by her since the experiment would possibly affect the outcome of the poker games. So today only half the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home, chosen mostly at random, received breakfast. With the promise that she'd be one of the patients to get breakfast, Mrs. Lieberman agreed to help make sure each of the patients started the day with the same amount of cash. Seeing which group has more money at the end of the day is one way of indicating how those players are performing. The data from this first day of the experiment seems to suggest that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, because the group without breakfast won only twenty percent of the hands. I have to remember to buy a new deck of cards before next Saturday because Mrs. Henley took bites out of the two of hearts and the ten of clubs.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I took the ice cream truck on the road early this year because I read that the cicadas are out in full force in certain states. Right now I am in South Carolina, and you wouldn't believe the noise these insects make. You couldn't hear even a dozen children screaming over this racket. It was certainly worth the trip. Next stop: Georgia.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Things continue to be good with both Mrs. Patterson and Mr. Tanaka, the subjects of my last two experiments. Now I'm toying with an idea for my next experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But is it? One idea I have is to withhold breakfast from half the patients each Saturday and see how it affects their poker game. If the old saying is correct, then they will make more mistakes than the group that gets breakfast. Before committing to this plan, I'll think more about it at school next week.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, wearing a hat will help obscure your features and keep hairs from being left at the scene. But because of possible security cameras, you'll want to get rid of that hat. One way to dispose of the hat is to go to a hockey game, and when the star player scores his third goal, throw it onto the ice where it will get mixed up with hundreds of other hats thrown by fans in celebration of the hat trick.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I conducted two successful experiments recently at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and today decided to take a break and focus on poker. The patients were happy to have me at the poker table for the entire day this time, especially Mrs. Henley, who outplayed me on a high-stakes hand near the end of the afternoon. I had gone all in on three queens, but Mrs. Henley had a full house. Even though I lost my earnings for the day, I had a wonderful time.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as an astronaut, put an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your space ship, and leave a few behind on the next planet you visit for anyone else who might come along.

And for any fan who has run out of bumper stickers, I just found a box of them here at Winsome Headquarters. Drop me a line with your address and the number you need.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

My treatment worked! According to the data collection forms Mrs. Henley handed me this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Tanaka has stopped scratching that irritated spot under his chin. I did notice, however, that the skin there is now a different color from the rest of his neck, so I offered to even it out for him by using my machine again. But he said he liked it as it is.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've just moved to a new town and are curious which activities you need to be secretive about in the area, do not call the police directly to inquire. Though that might be quicker, it is better to take the extra time to do the research yourself. Local authorities tend to be suspicious of new individuals anyway, and you don't want to lend more credence to their assumptions.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I removed the final problematic layer of skin from under Mr. Tanaka's chin. That should do the trick, but this coming week's data collection forms will let me know for sure. Mr. Tanaka didn't squirm as much this time, so we were able to complete the procedure quickly and get back upstairs to join the poker game.

An Important Message From Jane

If you find yourself on a jury and are able to offer sentencing recommendations to the judge, always argue for the maximum sentence. Since men refuse to honor their commitments when they get out of prison, it is best to keep them in there as long as possible.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while I understand wanting to have your getaway vehicle ready to pull out, parking like this might draw unwanted attention to your vehicle, by both the authorities and irritated neighbors.

An Important Message From Grandmother Winsome

If you are a cargo ship captain, wait until your boat clears the bridge before checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

A New Maid At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, I have been busy with certain activities and have neglected to mention that I have a new maid. Her first job was cleaning up the old maid. We had picked up the big pieces in January after returning to Winsome Headquarters, but there were still bits scattered here and there from when the robot had gone haywire and attacked her. This new maid is working well, but I'm not getting attached to her. She will be here only until I've perfected a robot maid.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last week I received the completed data collection forms from the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and the information there let me know that Mr. Tanaka is still having a problem with that irritated spot under his chin. So today I resumed his treatment. He insisted he was okay, but I told him I was not giving up. I got the machine heated up, and then worked to remove another layer of his skin. I am certain we will have it all removed by the end of the month.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, don't take anyone who is in a wheelchair. While it might seem an ideal choice because you don't have to carry or drag the person, there are drawbacks. For example, if you have an opportunity to escape through the back door, there may not be a handicap accessibility ramp back there. Also, wheelchairs are not easy to push through certain terrain, such as mud or gravel. And, depending on what type of vehicle you have, there might not be enough room in the trunk for both a person and a wheelchair.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, do your best to avoid taking a child. Children will demand too much of your attention, asking lots of annoying questions and needing to use the bathroom every fifteen minutes.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Henley was already at the poker table with a stack of forms and a stack of plates in front of her. She told me she had made sure that all the patients watched Mr. Tanaka throughout the week to see if he would scratch that spot under his chin, and then stood watch as they filled out those data collection forms. The plates were for the pizza party Mrs. Henley was hoping to have since all the forms were completed. I reviewed the forms, and then decided to order pizza for all the patients. As we were finishing the pizza, I let Mr. Tanaka know we'd be resuming his treatment next week.