Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it looks suspicious if you don't replant the flowers after you bury the bodies.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was excited to get to the Birch Street Nursing Home today and tell Mrs. Lieberman about my school poker club, and that I had won a total of eighteen dollars this week. She was nearly as excited as I was about it, and was happy that I'd followed her advice to play for money. When I asked her why we don't play for money at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman told me that she would love to, but she's looked into it, and none of the other patients have anything to play with.

Cindy's Poker Club

Today I won ten dollars playing poker at school, the same amount I would have made if I'd worked at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Lieberman was right. Poker is much more exciting when you play for money.

Cindy's Poker Club

Today at recess I recruited two kids to be the first official members of my school poker club. We only had enough time to play a few hands, and they didn't have any money, but we still had a fun session. Both promised to save their lunch money for the game from now on, and to tell their friends about the club.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Before we played our first hand of poker this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I told Mrs. Lieberman that I'm planning on starting a poker club at my school. She said it was a great idea, and then told me that playing for money makes poker even more exciting. When I said I didn't think the other kids would have much cash, she told me to have them save their lunch money each day and play with that.

Fanny Mail: A Mother Writes About Edward

Kiddies, I love getting letters and emails from my fans. And today I received a Fanny Mail about Edward. Sally Ramsey writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the other day I had to work later than usual and did not get home before my son was dropped off from school. I was in a state of anxiety the entire drive home because my son is too young to be trusted with his own house key. But fortunately when I got home, Edward's ice cream truck was parked out front. Not only did Edward give my son a free ice cream cone, but he also invited him to play in the back of the truck until I arrived. Now little Ethan wants to be an ice cream truck driver when he grows up. It is comforting to know there are still decent people in the world."

That's wonderful, Sweetie. I will be sure to pass the word on to Edward.

Cindy's New School Project

School is going well, and I love getting the chance to see Sniffles The Seventh during recess every day, but I do miss playing poker and blackjack regularly. One day a week at the Birch Street Nursing Home just isn't enough. So I'm thinking of starting a poker club at school. If I hold the club outside at recess, then I'll still get to see Sniffles.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Never be definitive in your responses to the authorities. You don't know what information they already have, and you want to be careful not to implicate yourself. Don't speak in absolutes, but rather use vague phrases such as "If I recall correctly" or "I think it might be" or "It was something like." By wording your responses like that, you can change your story later if necessary simply by stating that you now remember the details a little more clearly.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the activity room was quiet. None of the patients were there, and the poker tables were not set up. Not knowing what was going on, I went upstairs to investigate. Mrs. Henley was startled when I entered her room, and asked me if it was Saturday. After I assured her it was, she got up to perform her chore of distributing the medicine. When I got to Mrs. Lieberman's room, she said she was glad I was there, and that we could now set up the poker tables. She told me that the nurses made all the patients stay in their own rooms to receive their food and medication, so there hadn't been any poker all week. Mrs. Lieberman and I let the other patients know that the poker club was on for today, and they came out of their rooms, eager to do their chores quickly so that they would have enough time to play many hands. Because of the strangeness of the morning, I completely forgot to tell Mr. Pearlman that I saw Sniffles The Seventh at school.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Be careful when disposing of evidence in those wildfires, Kiddies! They tend to move fast, and could change direction suddenly if the wind shifts.

Sniffles At School

Today was my second day back at school. All morning, I was looking forward to recess because that was the one chance I had to see Sniffles The Seventh, since his new owner is in a different classroom. As soon as recess was called, I ran outside and claimed a spot near the basketball hoop, because that is where Sniffles was yesterday. And sure enough, after a few minutes, Sniffles came racing over to me, his new owner doing his best to hold onto his harness. After I pet the dog and told him what a good boy he was, I introduced myself to the blind kid that Sniffles had dragged over. He told me his name was Julian and that he'd had the dog for two months, since his family moved to town. I told him I've known Sniffles for more than a year. Julian seemed confused, and said the guy at the seeing eye dog agency told him the dog's name was Vincent. After a moment, he said he thought Sniffles was a better name, and told me I could pet him whenever I wanted.

A Surprise At School

Today I returned to school for the first time since the beginning of the pandemic, and things sure were different. There were plastic shields around each desk, and we weren't allowed to touch anyone else's books or pencils. But the biggest surprise of the day came during recess. While I was trying to keep my distance from the other kids, a dog suddenly ran from near the basketball hoop and jumped on me. It was Sniffles The Seventh! I hadn't seen him since he ran off during the last fire drill at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Soon a teacher led a blind student over to retrieve the dog. They called Sniffles by a different name, Vincent, but he didn't seem to mind at all. I'm so glad to know he's okay.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

For the past five months, I've worked at the Birch Street Nursing Home Monday through Saturday, and had a wonderful time. However, last night Grandmother called the head nurse and told her it was time I went back to school, since classes started two weeks ago. So today I told the patients that from now on I will be seeing them only on Saturdays again. They seemed a little sad, so I turned the radio up loud in the activity room, and everyone danced to the oldies.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was a beautiful day today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, so I took some of the patients on a walk. We went across the street to stroll through the Birch Street Cemetery and say hello to some old friends.

A Tip For Doctors

If you need to inform one of your patients that he is going to lose a limb, comfort him by reminding him that he does not need legs to read the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lowe, Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Patterson were already seated at my poker table. Before I even sat down, they asked if we could play another session of blackjack, since they'd had so much fun on Saturday. I asked Mrs. Lieberman if that was okay, and she told me to go ahead. We had such a good time that we ended up playing blackjack all day.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

During the morning poker session today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I asked the players at my table if they were interested in playing a little blackjack. Mrs. Lieberman had been teaching me the game the last few days, and I felt I knew enough to give it a go. They were all keen on the idea, and Mrs. Lieberman gave me the okay to devote the afternoon session to blackjack. The players had such a good time that most were hesitant to even take bathroom breaks. The most exciting moment came when Mrs. Patterson had two kings and told me to hit her. The entire table gasped when I dealt her an ace.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

During the break between the morning and afternoon poker sessions today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman started to teach me blackjack. It's a fun game, and I love that aces count as either 11 or 1. Mrs. Lieberman says that if there is enough interest from the poker club members, we'll schedule some occasional blackjack sessions.

A Thought From Edward

Nothing pleases me more than a smiling child's face as he gets off the school bus. So let's end remote learning and get those children back in school.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, most documents require a date next to the signature, so if you are planning a forgery, be sure to practice not only that person's name, but also the way he writes his numbers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, a few of the patients were outside, getting some exercise. Mrs. Kunkle greeted me, and told me it was nice to get a little fresh air. She then assured me she would be in her usual seat in time for the first hand of poker. That first hand began a lucky streak for Mrs. Kunkle that lasted her the whole day.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, a light sprinkle is no reason to abandon your work. Finish burying the evidence and then go in and dry off.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

We finally got everything cleaned up at the Birch Street Nursing Home after Saturday's successful dance. The activity room is now back to being the center for the poker club. After several of the patients said how nice it was hearing music again, I decided to leave the radio there, tuned into the oldies station. And sometimes when a slow song comes on, Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Lowe will take a break from poker to have a dance.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was the day of the big dance at the Birch Street Nursing Home. While the patients were all upstairs getting ready, I got out the punch and cookies and set them up on the poker tables in the activity room. I had brought an old radio from Winsome Headquarters and tuned it in to the oldies station. Right before the dance began, Mrs. Henley told me she had just finally lost that second pound. Everyone got in a dance, even Hazel. Mr. Matthews and Mr. Oliveras carried her down the stairs and put her in a wheelchair, and we all took turns spinning her around. Mrs. Kunkle really cut loose on the dance floor, and only took breaks to refill Mr. Pearlman's punch glass whenever it was empty. Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Lowe danced to all the slow songs. Mrs. Lieberman was looking festive. She had decorated her eye patch with glitter. And you couldn't miss Mrs. Macmillan in her bright red lipstick and green eye shadow. But the biggest surprise of the night was Mrs. Patterson, doing the mashed potato.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The patients have made a lot of progress on the decorations for Saturday's dance at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The activity room was looking even more festive today than it did for the 4th of July celebration. Mrs. Henley told me proudly that she is already halfway to her goal of losing two pounds before the dance.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were already gathered in the activity room, discussing themes for Saturday's dance. After a little while, they voted on "An Enchanted Evening," and everyone got busy making decorations. Poker club was canceled today, because both tables were covered with felt, construction paper, magic markers and glue. The upcoming dance was the talk of the day. Mrs. Lowe pulled me aside to share which dress she had picked out to wear. Mrs. Henley said she wants to lose another two pounds before the dance, and Mrs. Macmillan said she was excited for a reason to wear her makeup again.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Between hands of poker today, Mrs. Lowe said it might be fun to hold a Birch Street Nursing Home dance. Mr. Oliveras quickly agreed that it would be a blast. Within moments, everyone at my table was excited about the idea. Soon the players at Mrs. Lieberman's table joined in, naming songs they'd like to hear again. When I left for the day, the patients were still in the activity room, planning their dance for next Saturday evening.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you don't have enough time to properly dispose of a large amount of evidence, simply leave that evidence in the path of a coming storm. A tornado or hurricane will take care of it for you, mixing it with other bodies and materials, maybe even twisting it beyond recognition. And don't worry, authorities don't have the resources to search through all the debris left by a powerful storm.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I took a break from dealing poker, and led the players at my table in a few games of charades. There was one scary moment when everyone thought Mrs. Henley was having a heart attack, but she had simply picked the card that said "putting on a seat belt."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman warned me about Mrs. Henley, who often drops her cards on the floor. Mrs. Lieberman told me that poker dealers have to make sure their players keep their cards in view at all times, either on the table or in their hands above the table. The next time Mrs. Henley dropped her cards, I gave her a friendly warning. She said that sometimes her fingers go numb, but she will do her best to hold onto her cards.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, everyone is forgetful at times. So if you see a family leaving, it is best to wait ten minutes before entering their home, just in case they return to grab something they've forgotten.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If work has been running you ragged and you need a mental health day, set your outgoing message to indicate that you will be away from the office, catching up on Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you are an eyewitness to a crime and have no choice but to take the stand against a potentially dangerous person, be sure to alter your appearance or wear a disguise when you appear in court. If you're a man, take the time leading up to the trial to grow a beard. If you're a woman, dye your hair or wear a wig, and spend some time in the tanning booth. Consider stuffing a pillow under your shirt to make yourself look heavier. Then when you approach the witness stand, be sure to walk with a limp, perhaps even using a cane. And remember, "I don't recall" is a perfectly valid response to any particularly damning questions.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

On Monday Mrs. Lieberman told me that poker dealers always count their cards at the end of the day to make sure the deck is full, and that no players walked away with an ace or two. Well, today when I was counting the cards, I found that I was one short. When I told Mrs. Lieberman that the 4 of Clubs was missing, she told me to check with each of the players that had been at my table. I asked them all to check their pockets, but none of them had the card. However, they all wanted to join in the search. After an hour without any luck, Mrs. Henley suggested just making a 4 of Clubs out of an index card. But right then Mrs. Lowe shouted out that she had found the missing card. It was in the box for one of the jigsaw puzzles which she and Mr. Oliveras had been putting together while the other players took bathroom breaks.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your activities require you to case someone's home, be aware that some of the work might have already been done for you. Check the address online from a computer at the public library. If the home has been up for sale in the past two decades, there will likely be photographs posted by the realtor that show each of the rooms and all points of entry. With that task out of the way, you can spend your time focusing on the schedules and sleep patterns of the occupants.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Help the environment! Catheters can be re-used as drinking straws.

Edward's "For Your Information"

During the pandemic, adults are choosing some surprising ways to communicate with each other. So be aware that chalk on the sidewalk out in front of a house is no longer a clear indication that a child lives there.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I had a great day dealing poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home. As Mrs. Lieberman had instructed, I kept an eye out to make sure none of the players at my table were peeking at each other's cards. After the last hand, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and told me she had been watching me and saw much improvement. She then told me that dealers must count the cards at the end of the day to make sure they're all there. She said it would be no good for one of the players to walk away with a couple of aces up her sleeve.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw there was a second poker table set up in the activity room, and I got excited. Sure enough, Mrs. Lieberman said that second table was mine to run. It wasn't long before Mr. Matthews sat down at my table and told me he was the newest member of the poker club. Soon Mrs. Patterson joined him and I dealt my first hand. At the end of the afternoon, Mrs. Lieberman said I did a good job, but told me I should keep an eye on my players to make sure they don't look at each other's cards.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Getting some dirt on your lawyer is a good way to encourage her to focus her time and energy on your case and forget about her other clients until you are declared innocent.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Grandmother was so excited when she heard I was going to be running a poker table at the Birch Street Nursing Home that she bought me my own deck of cards. She even showed me her special way of shuffling. I tried it out today while Mrs. Lieberman was on a bathroom break, but am going to have to work on it some more. Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan helped me pick up the cards before Mrs. Lieberman got back.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This has been a wonderful week at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The patients haven't stopped talking about Mrs. Lieberman's spectacular 4th of July fireworks display. And her poker club now includes nearly every single patient. In fact, the demand for a seat at the table is so high that she started teaching me how to deal so we will be able to have two tables going at the same time.

New Mexican Maid Update

Kiddies, we are in the midst of a highly contagious pandemic, which caused me in mid-March to suspend auditions for my new Mexican maid. However, not wanting Winsome Headquarters to slip into untidiness, I've held onto the current applicant since then, not letting her leave the premises. She doesn't have the necessary experience in cryonics, so I will not be choosing her as the permanent replacement. However, she has done an adequate job over all, especially considering that I'm not paying her. As soon as this pandemic is over, I will be accepting new applications for the position.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was a happy buzz at the Birch Street Nursing Home when I arrived there this morning. The patients were gathered in the activity room, talking about how much fun they had at their 4th of July celebration. Everyone wanted a seat at Mrs. Lieberman's poker table, not just to play cards, but to congratulate her on her spectacular fireworks display. By early afternoon, nearly all of the patients had played at least a couple of hands, and Mrs. Lieberman was all smiles.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

What a great day at the Birch Street Nursing Home! The patients really put together a fantastic 4th of July party. Mrs. Lowe and Mr. Oliveras organized several fun games for everyone in the activity room, and the patients enjoyed the cookies and punch I picked up at the store. But the real excitement came in the evening, when Mrs. Lieberman announced that her fireworks display was ready, and all the patients made their way outside. Mr. Matthews and Mr. Oliveras even carried Hazel down from her room so that she could enjoy the fireworks along with everyone else. Expectations were high, since Mrs. Lieberman had spent most of the day out back getting things ready, and even skipped the poker game. But what we saw really blew us away. Mrs. Lieberman put on a spectacular display that lit up the sky for nearly an hour. Even when it was over, no one was ready for bed, and it was Mrs. Patterson who suggested a game of bingo. Soon everyone was back in the activity room, playing bingo, and carrying on about how this was the best 4th of July ever.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while right now it might seem that this coronavirus pandemic will never end, rest assured that someday it will. So be cautious about making promises to visit someone once it's over.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a lot of energy in the activity room, as the 4th of July party committee members were busy making decorations and talking about games they could play at the party. Mr. Oliveras was in the center of the action, writing down everyone's ideas. The patients got so caught up in the excitement that they lost track of time, and today's poker game ended up starting more than an hour late.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

While we were playing poker today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Kunkle reminded everyone at the table that the 4th of July is this Saturday, and she suggested we have a party to celebrate. Mrs. Lowe and Mr. Oliveras immediately volunteered to help with the planning. Mrs. Lieberman looked up from her cards to say that she could get some fireworks for the party. It looks like we're going to have a great 4th of July this year at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Fanny Mail: A Coronavirus Question From California

Good news, Kiddies! I've brought in the bag of letters I'd left outside. As you recall, after the pandemic began, I took the precaution of storing all incoming mail in a large plastic bag out back. Since then, my fans followed my request to submit all Fanny Mail via email, and so I forgot about the bag. Well, today Cindy reminded me of it, and since any germs that might have been on the envelopes are certainly now long dead, I asked her to bring in the bag. The first letter I grabbed out of it is from John Martin of Huntington Beach, California. John writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just pulled off a job that had been in the planning stages for months. The next step was the plastic surgeon's office, to change my appearance. However, today the surgeon suddenly canceled my appointment, saying that because of the coronavirus pandemic, all elective surgeries were being postponed indefinitely. I tried to explain that there was nothing elective about it, that it was a matter of life and death, but I couldn't persuade him to change his mind and honor my scheduled appointment. And, Grandmother, it might be a matter of life and death, for there was one witness who could identify me. Of course, I am wearing a mask whenever I am in public, but I am nervous about being identified. What would you do in this situation?"

Well, John, I see that your letter is dated from March, and I assume that by now you've managed to convince a surgeon to perform the necessary procedure or you've taken care of the witness. If not, while it is true that most plastic surgeons are back open for business, I understand that there is a long waiting list because of all the people who, like you, had appointments canceled at the outbreak of the pandemic. One way to move your name up the waiting list is to offer to pay the surgeon in cash under the table. If this doesn't work, keep in mind that you are close to the Mexico border. The surgeons in that country are much more understanding regarding special circumstances like yours.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Matthews was waiting for me by the front desk. He told me he had something he wanted to show me in his room right away. When I followed him upstairs, I was surprised to see that the little plant I had dug up for him last month had blossomed. Mr. Matthews said the little yellow flowers really brightened up his room. Just then, Mrs. Lieberman popped her head in the doorway and told me the poker club was about to play its first hand of the day. I rushed downstairs to claim a seat at the table. Mrs. Macmillan had a straight flush in that very first hand, which ended up being the beginning of a hot streak that lasted into the afternoon.