Fanny Mail: A Coronavirus Question From California

Good news, Kiddies! I've brought in the bag of letters I'd left outside. As you recall, after the pandemic began, I took the precaution of storing all incoming mail in a large plastic bag out back. Since then, my fans followed my request to submit all Fanny Mail via email, and so I forgot about the bag. Well, today Cindy reminded me of it, and since any germs that might have been on the envelopes are certainly now long dead, I asked her to bring in the bag. The first letter I grabbed out of it is from John Martin of Huntington Beach, California. John writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just pulled off a job that had been in the planning stages for months. The next step was the plastic surgeon's office, to change my appearance. However, today the surgeon suddenly canceled my appointment, saying that because of the coronavirus pandemic, all elective surgeries were being postponed indefinitely. I tried to explain that there was nothing elective about it, that it was a matter of life and death, but I couldn't persuade him to change his mind and honor my scheduled appointment. And, Grandmother, it might be a matter of life and death, for there was one witness who could identify me. Of course, I am wearing a mask whenever I am in public, but I am nervous about being identified. What would you do in this situation?"

Well, John, I see that your letter is dated from March, and I assume that by now you've managed to convince a surgeon to perform the necessary procedure or you've taken care of the witness. If not, while it is true that most plastic surgeons are back open for business, I understand that there is a long waiting list because of all the people who, like you, had appointments canceled at the outbreak of the pandemic. One way to move your name up the waiting list is to offer to pay the surgeon in cash under the table. If this doesn't work, keep in mind that you are close to the Mexico border. The surgeons in that country are much more understanding regarding special circumstances like yours.