Spread The Word

If you work as a radio disc jockey, before you play your favorite song, tell your listening audience, "This one goes out to Grandmother Winsome."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was the first day I was able to let myself into the Birch Street Nursing Home with my own key. I'm glad I remembered to bring it, because I didn't see any other staff members the entire day. My list of duties was left at the front desk, just as the head nurse told me it would be. The list was much longer than I'd expected. Good thing I had reorganized the pantry last week, because one thing on the list was making meals for all the patients.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you feel you absolutely must make a map to the location of your buried loot, have a child draw it, and make sure he uses crayons. That way, should others see it, they will dismiss it immediately, deeming it the product of a child's imagination.

Spread The Word

Spread the word, Kiddies! The next time you go out for a night of improvisation at the local theatre, when the audience is asked for the name of a celebrity, yell out "Grandmother Winsome!" And for the location, shout "Winsome Headquarters!"

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

One way to collect a little money on your next trip is to take a dead dog on the airplane. Then, when you arrive at your destination, act distraught about its death and accuse the airline of being at fault. You can use the quick settlement to upgrade your hotel accommodations.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a contestant on a game show, when the host asks you tell the audience a little about yourself, start by saying you are a dedicated follower of Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I reorganized the pantry. The nurses told me to sort the canned goods, moving the expired cans to the front of the shelves so they'll be used first. I also replaced all the burned-out light bulbs in the building. I was surprised at how many there were. The nurses must be happy with my work, because before I left they gave me my very own key to the Birch Street Nursing Home. The head nurse told me from now on I am to let myself in and follow the written instructions she'll leave at the front desk.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while it may be tempting to make a few bucks at a pawn shop by unloading items that could be used as evidence against you, it's not worth the risk of being seen and identified on their security cameras.

Spread The Word

If you're planning to filibuster a bill on the Senate floor, use your time to read every post on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. If you're still standing when you reach the end, start over.

Spread The Word

If you work as a baseball game announcer for television, when the camera catches something pink in the crowd, say, "Oh, for a moment I thought Grandmother Winsome was in attendance today." And if you're the color guy, add, "Now that would have gotten this crowd on its feet."

Fanny Mail: A Delightful Message From Nebraska

Kiddies, I received a letter from Bernadette Platte of Hastings, Nebraska. Bernadette writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was recently at the mall when I had a need to use the facilities. Unfortunately, there was a sign in front of the door saying 'Restroom Closed For Cleaning.' However, underneath that, someone had written in marker, 'In the meantime, check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.' So I sat down on the nearby bench, took out my phone, and began reading posts on your blog. Grandmother, I ended up reading your entire blog, and, as the restroom was still closed, then went home to tell my husband about the wonderful Grandmother's Fanny Game. He is now busy reading your posts, and says he does not want to be interrupted while he peruses your legal advice. Grandmother, I am so happy that he and I have a new common interest after forty years of marriage."

Bernadette, thank you so much for your lovely message. I am pleased to know that your time at the mall was well spent. 

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you decide to cut out letters from a magazine to create your ransom note, be sure to use a national magazine with a large number of subscribers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Thursday, Grandmother told me I would be spending my Saturdays working at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and today I reported for my first day. The nurses had gathered most of the patients into the activity room and introduced me as the newest staff member. I recognized some of the patients, but there were many unfamiliar faces. One of my tasks today was to dye Mrs. Geffner's hair. I hadn't even recognized her at first, because her blue hair had gone completely white. Now it's back to its beautiful blue, and Mrs. Geffner couldn't be more pleased. At the end of the day, the head nurse handed me ten dollars, and on the way home I decided exactly where I would hide it.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

The dry cleaners is an ideal place to meet men. Thanks to the clear bags they use, you can see the type of clothing a man has. Suits and dress shirts indicate that he has a high-paying job. And the fact that he's picking up the clothing suggests that he doesn't have a wife to run his errands.

Fanny Mail: A Job Offer For Cindy

Kiddies, today I received an email from Luanne Chambers, the head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Luanne writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, it was a pleasure seeing Cindy again early last month when she visited Mr. Matthews. Because so many of our patients are happier when she is around, the other staff members and I got together and have decided to offer her a job here at the Birch Street Nursing Home. We know she is still busy with school, but thought she'd like to spend her Saturdays with us. Then when school closes for the summer, we may add other days as we need her. We can offer Cindy ten dollars a day to perform chores around the grounds and in the patients' rooms. And don't worry about sending a lunch with her, because Cindy will have access to the kitchen and pantry. We feel this would be a great opportunity for her, and it would certainly provide much cheer for the patients. Thank you for your consideration, Grandmother Winsome. And let me just say that we are all fans of the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog here at the Birch Street Nursing Home."

Well, Luanne, that does sound like a delightful opportunity for Cindy. I accept your offer on her behalf, and will let her know the good news shortly. 

Spread The Word

If you're a well-known sports figure, during your post-game interviews, be sure to dedicate your victory to Grandmother Winsome.

Fanny Mail: Grief Counseling In Minnesota

Kiddies, today I received an email from Ashley Anderson of Duluth, Minnesota. Ashley writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I work at a grief counselor's office. A few weeks ago, we here in the office read your post about making a recording of our favorite Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living and playing it for patients while they're on hold. We implemented this idea immediately, and soon found that people didn't need us as much after that. Once, after a woman had been on hold for a few minutes, we answered, only to be told that a tip she heard on the recording helped her and she no longer needed our assistance. So now standard operating procedure here is to leave people on hold. Nine out of ten times, if they're on hold long enough, they'll hear a tip that applies to their problem and will hang up before we even pick up. Work has become so much easier, and even fun, thanks to your idea. Thank you from all of us here in Duluth."

Ashley, I am delighted to hear that my tips have made your work more enjoyable. And I am tickled pink that your recording has helped so many people. Be sure to update that recording every time I post a new tip here on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're going to run in a marathon, cover yourself in "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers. And to get the most television coverage, stay at the head of the pack.

Fan Photo

Looks like Mr. Cheddar knew where he would end his day.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, shredding documents is a crucial step in the process of avoiding prosecution. But your work is not complete after the paper goes through the machine, for those shreds could be placed back together by someone who had the desire to do so. Here are additional safeguards you should take after shredding the documents:

• Soak the shreds in the bathtub over night.
• Place the soaked shreds in several plastic bags.
• Toss each of those plastic bags into a different dumpster throughout your area.

Following these steps will keep even the most determined investigator from piecing together your documents.

Spread The Word

If you are officiating a wedding ceremony, and you receive a notice on your phone that a new Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update went up, pause the ceremony for a moment to read the post to the guests. It will put them at ease to know they're not missing any important updates.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you are in the mood for seafood tonight, but don't enjoy spending time in the great outdoors, one place where the fish are always biting is the local aquarium. There are so many exotic dishes to choose from! Try the octopus. It's delicious.

Poll Results: What Is Your Biggest Fear About Coming Back In The Future?

Kiddies, the results from my latest poll are in. As you'll recall, I learned that the vast majority of my fans do not wish to be cryogenically frozen. This surprised me, so I decided to find out why. Here are the results.

Edward's Message To The Children

My ice cream truck is back on the road, and I plan on visiting as many grammar schools as possible before summer. So when you see my truck parked outside your classroom, give your teacher this permission slip and come out to the truck and join me in a tasty treat.

See you soon.

Spread The Word

If you work for the Department of City Planning, name a new road "Grandmother Winsome Boulevard."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Establish a pattern of forgetfulness in your day-to-day life. Skip an occasional doctor's appointment. Forget a family member's birthday. Perhaps even forget your own birthday. That way, if you're ever called into court as a witness, it will be believable if you claim to not recall any details.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you own a bar, have a Grandmother Winsome Night. Anyone wearing Grandmother Winsome pink gets a free upgrade to top-shelf liquor.

Fanny Mail: A Question From A Fellow Researcher

 
Kiddies, today I received an email from Nicholas Belrose of Saratoga Springs, New York. Nicholas writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am working on a crucial experiment that I'd been planning since 2012. However, it has hit a few snags and as a result is taking longer than anticipated. I've already used all my sick and vacation days at work, days that took me years to save up. The experiment is still not complete, and it requires my attention every four hours. My boss will not give me any more time off. What should I do?"

Well, Nicholas, if you need only another week or two to finish your experiment, you could ask for unpaid leave. If you need more time, see if you can work from home. If your boss won't allow that, you could take extended lunches if your work is close enough to home, or sneak part of your experiment into your work place. Whatever you decide, don't give up. I wish you the best of luck in completing the experiment.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If all else fails during your murder trial, tell the judge you thought you were still in a virtual reality simulation and were repeatedly stabbing a Minotaur.

Jane's Tips For Dating A Married Man

Sometimes it can be beneficial to date a married man. He will be excited to see you, because he'll view the relationship as an escape from his normal life. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure a successful affair.

• Have a predetermined time when the two of you communicate, possibly during work hours.
• Never call him at home.
• When sending him text messages, use a phone application that erases the messages once they've been read.
• Have him come to your part of town, where it will be less likely he'll run into someone he knows.
• When you do see him, be very affectionate. 
• Urge him to use cash rather than his credit card when buying you dinner and gifts. You want to avoid a paper trail that his wife could discover.
• Most of all, relax and enjoy yourself. It may not last long, so make the most of it.

Edward's Weekend

I was out mingling this weekend, and the many young smiling faces I saw got me excited to get the ice cream truck tuned up and back on the road. It won't be long now.

Winsome Family History: March 26, 1968

It was exactly fifty years ago that Jacqueline Winsome created a fake Winsome Headquarters to draw attention from the real operation we were running at home. Those trucks carrying large quantities of sugar only operated for four nights, but Jacqueline was so good at drawing attention that it was during this short time that she was able to attract the man who would become her husband, turning the fake headquarters into a real home.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A good way to get rid of small items that could be considered evidence is to attend the funerals of several people you have no connection to. As you pay your last respects to each of the deceased, drop an item or two into the casket. Odds are good that no one will be opening that box again, so you'll be in the clear.

Fanny Mail: When Social Media Fail

Kiddies, yesterday I received an email from David White of Phoenix, Arizona. David writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, for the last four months my wife and I have been posting photos of our two young children on every social media site, along with their locations. While many people have taken the time to indicate they like the photos, some even leaving comments, so far no one has taken our kids. What are we doing wrong?"

Well, David, there is a website where people who are likely to want your children must register their names and addresses. The government is really doing your work for you. Getting free of the children can be as easy as leaving them in front of the right person's house.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Write to the Postmaster General and demand that the next celebrity stamp be of Grandmother Winsome.

Fanny Mail: A Message From Manhattan

Kiddies, I wanted to share with you another letter from that box of Fanny Mail, this one from Janice Singer of Manhattan, New York. Janice writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, due to some poor investments resulting in financial difficulties, my husband and I decided to put our two daughters up for adoption. We promised them we wouldn't send them to separate homes, but found that no one was willing to take both of them. So I sewed the two together, billing them as one set of conjoined twins. And then we got many offers. I just wanted to write to you so you could pass this on to any of your fans with similar troubles."

Winsome Family History: March 21, 1963

Kiddies, it was fifty-five years ago that Harry "Pigeon" McCoy finished his short stint as a guard at Alcatraz, where he eliminated a potential threat to the Winsome Family. While there, he also learned security measures that would prove instrumental the following year when we designed the first Winsome Family Headquarters.

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

City bus drivers can get lonely, particularly during the night shift. So sit up front and read them the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game posts.

Fanny Mail: A Worthy Gathering

Kiddies, moments ago I received a delightful email from William Hensley of Cambridge, Massachusetts. William writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, Saturday I attended a gathering where people got up and read from the works of their favorite writers. One guy grabbed my attention when he announced he'd be reading from the works of Grandmother Winsome. When he was finished, I met up with him in the kitchen, and he told me all about the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. Now I am a fan too, and I have a date this Friday with the man who opened my eyes to Grandmother Winsome."

Wonderful, Sweetie! You two have a fabulous time this Friday, and don't be surprised if there are a few new blog posts to talk about.

For The Children

To my younger fans, break up the school day by checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates. Just print out this handy permission slip and show it to your teacher at least once a day.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Be sure to stretch before engaging in certain activities. You don't want to get a cramp when running from the authorities.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you need a small knife for a job, take a steak knife from a restaurant. Then, once the job is complete, go ahead and return it. The restaurant's dishwasher will scour it clean at high temperatures, and the knife will pass through the hands of many other people.

Grandmother Winsome Bumper Sticker Giveaway

Kiddies, the Mexican maid made a mistake when she placed the new order for Grandmother Winsome bumper stickers, and now there are more here than I need. So if you'd like an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker, just send me a message at grandmothersfannygame@gmail.com and I'll get one out to you. Because of her error, the maid will be covering the cost of shipping.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

As your birthday approaches, sign your boyfriend up to receive catalogues from all your favorite stores. Then, when you're at his place, you can casually pick up a catalogue and point out the items you'd like to own, and say, "Aren't those lovely?"

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work at a grief counselor's office, make a recording of your favorite Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living to play for patients while they're on hold.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment, Phase I Results

Kiddies, as you know, I've been working on a ground-breaking cryonics experiment, and it was a Fanny Mail that got the ball rolling on this one. Ray Anderson had written to me, asking if defrosting his fiancée's father for their wedding and then re-freezing him would cause any further damage to his body. I promised him I'd have an answer before the wedding invitations went out. On January 21st, I froze fifteen cats in my own cryogenic tanks. Well, today, after removing three of the cats from their tanks, I have that answer.

Ray, as you know, we wanted to see what damage might occur when the cats are exposed to the elements for a limited period of time. We chose to leave the cats in the back yard for a total of two hours forty-five minutes, which is the time Cindy calculated you would need, taking into consideration the length of the ceremony and travel time, as well as allowing for family photos and a quick appearance at the reception. And I am thrilled to say the experiment is a success! Ray, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the cats, at least none that we can see. We don't know about lasting damage yet, though I have resealed those three cats in their tanks for future research. But, Sweetie, appearance is really all that matters here, for your fiancée's sake. Then later, when her father is unfrozen again, if it turns out there is damage, no one will be able to pinpoint this brief wedding excursion as the cause. Enjoy your special day and have a wonderful honeymoon!

Edward's Easter Promotion

My idea to dress as Cupid at the mall in the days leading up to Valentine's Day was a big hit with the children, so much so that the mall's director of operations contacted me about dressing as the Easter Bunny too. I agreed immediately, happy to have another opportunity to please the young children. I purchased an old bunny costume from a thrift store. Now all I need is a bag of candy, and I will be in business.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, as you know, I am conducting an important cryonics experiment. Tomorrow is the big day, when I will be opening three of the cryogenic tanks and removing the cats contained within. I have the maid standing in front of the tanks, keeping a watchful eye on the temperature, so I've been using some of this time to go through more of the data collected in the 2017 Fanny Game Fan Poll. One question I posed to the 221 respondents was, "How many times a day do you check Grandmother's Fanny Game for updates?" I am delighted to find that a few people check it up to a dozen times a day. Now that's dedication! Most of my fans are content to check the blog once or twice a day.

Fanny Mail: A Question From San Francisco

Kiddies, a few minutes ago I received a message from a fan in San Francisco who wishes to remain anonymous because of his particular question. This fan writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what's the best excuse to leave a wedding reception early?"

Sweetie, while an upset stomach always seems to be a good excuse, it is used often enough that others there might see it as suspect. I would also refrain from saying you have other plans or engagements, because those in the wedding party will view this occasion as so important that no other activities could rival it. So I suggest faking an injury, either on the dance floor if you can wait that long, or on the way into the reception. Make it look good. Be sure to fall to the ground, possibly taking a tray or something else with you, so that you will have plenty of witnesses. You want others to make the suggestion that you go home, so that it comes across as not your own wish. But, Sweetie, be sure not to actually hurt yourself or make it look so painful that someone else becomes adamant about driving you home himself. You want to appear injured, but still able to move on your own accord. If someone doesn't immediately suggest you go home, wince and limp with each step you take, and it won't be long before you're out of the reception and onto better things.