Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was some good news at the Birch Street Nursing Home today. Mrs. Kunkle was finally feeling better. But all the other patients were still sick in bed, so she and I split my list of chores between us. Things were going well until I heard a ruckus in Mrs. Henley's room. When I got there, Mrs. Kunkle was leaning over Mrs. Henley's bed, trying to pull the tray of medicine out of her hands. Mrs. Henley was in a state, upset because Mrs. Kunkle was distributing the medicine to the patients, the chore she usually handles. It took me several minutes and a couple extra blue pills to calm her down and convince her that Mrs. Kunkle is only temporarily filling in for her until she is back on her feet.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Before accepting a date, make the man completely remove his medical mask.

Jane's Volunteer Work

Today while I was volunteering at the rehab clinic, Jefferson surprised me with a gift. It was neatly wrapped, with a big red bow, and when he handed it to me he said it was a thank-you for all the great work I've done so far at the clinic. I tore open the package right away to see what it was. Inside was a gorgeous and stylish purse, much larger than the one I'd been using. Jefferson told me this one should be big enough to carry everything I might need for my continued success at the clinic.

Jane's Volunteer Work

Based on the inside information supplied to me yesterday by Jefferson, today I brought champagne to the rehab clinic to share with the wealthy Mr. Walton. I bought the smallest bottles I could find, but still was only able to fit two into my purse. When I approached Mr. Walton with the champagne, he was surprised that someone had brought him his favorite drink. After the cork from the first bottle popped a little too loudly, Mr. Walton grabbed the second bottle and said he would do that one himself because he had a special way of muffling the sound. "Don't want the nurses to hear our good cheer," he said. Jefferson was happy that Mr. Walton and I hit it off, but was sad that I hadn't been able to fit any other bottles of alcohol in my purse for him. He said he'd have to see about fixing that.

Jane's Volunteer Work

Today Jefferson gave me the scoop on one Oliver Walton, a new arrival at the rehab clinic, and something of a regular. He is certainly an eligible man, part of a wealthy family. And not having to work, he spends a lot of his time traveling, according to Jefferson, who also filled me in on Mr. Walton's love of tennis, and of course let me know his favorite drink. I will be sure to bring some of that with me tomorrow when I volunteer again at the clinic. Jefferson encouraged me to go for it, and even told me, "I think you'll have better luck with him than I did."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

With high-ranking health officials now encouraging everyone in the country to wear masks, it is easier than ever to avoid detection from the authorities. However, Kiddies, keep in mind that your targets may also be hard to identify since they too will be wearing masks.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home we ran out of the little green pills that several of the patients are supposed to take daily, so I gave them each a blue pill and a yellow pill instead. It is not yet an emergency, but once we run out of the blue pills and yellow pills, I will have to call the head nurse so she can place a new order with the pharmacy. And it looks like I'm going to have to make another run to the grocery store soon to purchase more tea, because all the patients are still coughing.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I usually don't work Sundays at the Birch Street Nursing Home, but since all the patients were sick in bed yesterday, I thought I should check on them today and make sure they got their food and medicine. I'm glad I did, because they were all still feeling under the weather. I made several pots of tea for everyone. Mrs. Henley was especially glad to see me. She promised she would be back on her feet soon, and asked me not to give her job of distributing the medicine to anyone else. I assured her the job was hers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home have been so good about completing my usual list of chores, but today every single one of them was sick in bed. I was surprised that even Mrs. Henley wasn't feeling good enough to get out of bed. She loves distributing the medicine. She has told me many times that it is her favorite activity, especially since she decided to keep the leftovers for herself. It was a good thing I bought a lot of tea on Monday, because today I ended up making several pots as I was going about the chores.

A Tip From Grandmother

If your activities call for late-night surveillance, be sure to take an afternoon nap so you'll have your wits about you when it really counts.

Jane's Volunteer Work

I am continuing my successful volunteer work at the rehab clinic. Today I spoke with Jefferson, one of the most attractive men there. I noticed him yesterday when he was admitted, but he came in so late in the afternoon that I was already out of alcohol. So today I went right over to him and introduced myself. Though it quickly became apparent that a romance wouldn't work out between us, he did give me the scoop on several of the other men there, some of whom are regulars at the clinic. In fact, he told me the main reason he admitted himself was to meet some new men with common interests. We had such a ball talking that by the time we were done, I had no more bottles of alcohol left in my purse to share with the other men. He reminded me that some of the nurses there frown upon the patients drinking, and requested that in addition to alcohol, I bring a box of mints next time to mask the smell.

Fanny Mail: A Coronavirus Question From Kansas

Kiddies, I just received an email from Charlie Ford of Overland Park, Kansas. Charlie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, because of the restrictions in place due to the coronavirus outbreak, I am stuck at home with my wife and children. I have learned a lot about them in the last couple of weeks, none of it good. It turns out they have several annoying habits. While I don't wish to expose them to the coronavirus, especially because that could expose me as well, I do want to get them out of the house for a while. What can I do to make that happen?"

Well, Charlie, the most surefire way to get them away from you right now is to act like you yourself have the virus. The next time you go to the grocery store to stock up on supplies, go alone. Then, as you're putting the food away in the kitchen, throw a coughing fit. Tell your wife you must have just gotten the virus at the store and will be contagious for up to two weeks, so she and your kids should go to her mother's house for the duration. And if you want a little more time after that, tell your wife that once you're better you will be busy disinfecting the entire house, which could buy you up to another week.

And, Kiddies, keep those emails coming! In these times, emails are preferable. The letters I've received through the post are stored in a plastic bag out back, and as soon as I'm sure the germs have died off, I will bring them in to read.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The nurses at the Birch Street Nursing Home are still working from home as a precaution during the coronavirus outbreak, so I am filling in for them again this week. Most of the patients have now picked up Mrs. Kunkle's cough. Mrs. Macmillan in particular had a rough day, but did still her part to make sure the other patients were fed. I made so much tea for everyone that I actually ran out, and had to go purchase more at the grocery store.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Mrs. Kunkle was still feeling under the weather today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and several other patients have now picked up her cough. They made such a racket that I could hear them down in my basement laboratory. By the end of the afternoon, I had made a total of six pots of tea.

Jane's Volunteer Work

You are an instant hit at these rehab clinics if you're able to bring in even a single travel-size bottle of gin. As for me, I've become the most popular volunteer, because I've emptied my purse of all unnecessary items so that I can carry as many small bottles of alcohol as possible. And the men here have been grateful, fawning over me every time they see me. I just know that at least one of them will take me out for dinner and drinks once his thirty days are up and he is back in circulation.

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

During this time of crisis, I have been offering my babysitting services to those parents who still have to go in to work. However, more and more companies are now requiring employees to work from home, which has created a new babysitting demand. To meet it, I have expanded my services to aid those parents who need a break from their children. I will take those children off your hands for the workday so you can conduct those online meetings in peace. Depending on their sizes, I can fit up to six children in the back of my van.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if a certain activity requires an accomplice, consider smuggling in a person from a remote tribe. He or she will have no government record, or any record whatsoever. As far as the authorities are concerned, it will be like that person doesn't exist.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The nurses are working from home as a precaution during the coronavirus outbreak, so I am filling in for them at the Birch Street Nursing Home again this week. Mrs. Kunkle is still not feeling very good. In addition to her cough, today she was having a bit of trouble breathing. But that did not stop her from making her usual seven rounds to all the rooms of the Birch Street Nursing Home to touch every light switch and window. When she had completed her rounds, I made her a nice cup of tea, and she said it soothed her throat.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, leaving behind fingerprints is always a legitimate concern when engaging in certain activities. But thanks to the coronavirus, these days you can wear rubber gloves in broad daylight without fear of raising any suspicion whatsoever. So say goodbye to those fingerprint worries! Just remember to dispose of those gloves away from the scene, because they will still contain bits of DNA evidence from your skins cells and sweat.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Kunkle wasn't feeling very good. I could hear her dry cough from down in my basement laboratory as she made her rounds to all the rooms to touch each window and light switch. On her fourth round of the day I caught up to her to give her some tea I made. I hope she feels better soon.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, keep in mind that the police may not maintain the recommended social distance of six feet from you if they spot you engaging in suspicious activity.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Remote tribes get few visitors from the outside, and those they do get are usually missionaries, there only to peddle their wares. So if you find yourself amongst a tribe during your travels, rather than selling them something, offer to tell them about Grandmother's Fanny Game. They will likely reward your generosity and wisdom with a virgin or a pretty necklace.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while this continues to be an excellent time to obscure your facial features with medical masks without fear of raising suspicion, keep in mind that at airport security checkpoints, the TSA officers will likely ask you to remove those masks while they verify your identity.

Jane's Volunteer Work

Word of my presence has already caused quite a stir at the rehab clinic where I'm volunteering. Today I was propositioned by two wealthy men, who each wanted to share a drink with me. I have quickly become the most popular volunteer, but must remember to set aside a little time to sober up before the drive home.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I worked at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Because my school is closed due to the coronavirus outbreak, the head nurse has asked me to fill in for her while she and the other nurses work from home. All I have to do is make sure the patients are fed and get their medications. I arrived early in the morning, as I do on Saturdays, but ended up not having to do anything. The moment the patients saw me, they believed it was Saturday and began to do the usual tasks I had assigned them for that day. So Mrs. Macmillan busied herself preparing the food, and Mrs. Henley started distributing the medicine. Once I knew everything was in order, I decided to spend the rest of the morning in my laboratory down in the basement.

Winsome Family History: March 23, 1970

It was fifty years ago today that Barbara and Carol Winsome began their flower business, Petals & Pedicels, which soon found them selling arrangements to decorate the graves of some of the very people they'd disposed of in their other business, Knives & Knuckles. It was a busy time for those enterprising gals.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today the head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home contacted Grandmother and told her she had seen that my school is going to be closed for the next few weeks. She asked Grandmother if I would be available to spend those days at the Birch Street Nursing Home. As a precaution during the coronavirus outbreak, she and the other nurses have decided to work from home, and so need someone to go in and make sure the patients are fed and get their medications. Grandmother negotiated for my usual pay of ten dollars a day, even though I likely won't have to spend as much time there during the week as I do on Saturdays.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I was saddened to find that Sniffles The Seventh still hadn't returned. Last week when I was searching for the seeing eye dog, I noticed that Mrs. Chang's grave was covered with trash. So this afternoon I took a break from my laboratory work and walked across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery to clean her grave as I had once promised her. While I was there, I visited the graves of some other Birch Street Nursing Home patients who have died – Mrs. Geffner, Mrs. Beaumont, Ms. Jenkins, Mr. Yeats, Mrs. Diaz, and Mrs. Shimshack.

Jane's Volunteer Work

Today was my first day volunteering at the rehab clinic, and I've already helped one eligible man. I was making the rounds and introducing myself to all the men and asking them what they did for work. One banking executive pulled me aside and asked me if I could get him a drink. Of course, I always carry a little something in my purse, and was happy to share it with such an accomplished man. Thankfully the nurse at the door hadn't check my purse on the way in, only my temperature. The man finished the little bottle in one gulp, thanked me and said that he wanted to see me again. I should have volunteered sooner!

Edward's "For Your Information"

Now that most schools across the country are closing due to the coronavirus, it is a great time to offer your services as a babysitter. Parents who still have to go in to work are too stressed out and desperate to run background checks or ask for references.

Jane's Volunteer Work

Since my volunteer work at the women's center a few years ago was such a success, I thought it was time to once again use my talents to help those in need. This time I've decided to focus on men who suffer from alcoholism. The in-patient rehab clinic where I've chosen to volunteer caters to wealthy people, so there will be plenty of eligible men staying there. I know I will be able to provide just what these men need.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Pearlman was frantically calling for his seeing eye dog, Sniffles The Seventh. He does this a lot, so I wasn't worried. But then when I went down to the basement to do some work in my laboratory, I saw that the dog was not curled up in his usual spot. I then realized I hadn't seen him since he bolted out the door during last week's fire drill. I immediately went outside, calling his name. He didn't respond, so I searched the entire neighborhood, even going as far as the gas station where I'd found Mrs. Lowe last summer. But no luck. I hope the dog is okay.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you are under quarantine because of the coronavirus outbreak, cheer yourself up by re-reading the entire Grandmother's Fanny Game blog, starting at the very beginning and working your way up to the most recent posts.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

With the coronavirus hysteria going strong, no one will question your purchase of thick rubber gloves, a mop, a bucket, a box of industrial strength garbage bags, a bone saw and a case of bleach.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Reach out to elderly family members now to make sure you are in their wills. With the coronavirus spreading rapidly, time is of the essence, Kiddies!

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Now that springtime is just around the corner and the ground is softening, many of you will be eager to get to your spring cleaning and dispose of all the bodies that have been accumulating in your attics and basements over the winter. However, don't let your haste cause you to make any silly mistakes. It's better to take your time and do the job right. You don't want the sun to rise on your wheelbarrow or pickup truck when there are still three or four corpses in it awaiting burial.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I held a surprise fire drill. Unfortunately, it was a total disaster. Even though the last fire drill was only ten weeks ago, the patients had already forgotten their roles. Mr. Oliveras and Mr. Matthews attempted to carry out Mrs. Henley rather than Hazel, but gave up without moving her even an inch. Mr. Oliveras threw out his back in the process and dropped to the floor. Mrs. Henley was so flustered by their unexpected attention that she forgot to retrieve Mrs. Patterson's possessions, and so Mrs. Patterson again refused to go, swearing that she would not stand for any of Mrs. Shimshack's trickery. Mrs. Kunkel forgot to guide Mr. Pearlman out, and his seeing eye dog Sniffles The Seventh had immediately bolted the moment I yelled "Fire!" So Mr. Pearlman took another tumble down the stairs. And Hazel was completely forgotten. It took nearly two hours to get everyone out. The newest patient, Mrs. Lieberman, even though she wasn't present for the previous fire drills, had the least trouble and was actually the first patient out. She later told me she's had plenty of practice escaping burning buildings.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When visiting someone's house, be sure to have your escape route mapped out in case of emergency.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your activities call for surveillance in a neighborhood, consider taking a dog along with you. No one suspects someone with a friendly dog of being up to no good. And if you have to stand in one spot for a long time, any passersby will just assume you're waiting for the dog to do its business. When you've completed your work, you can return the dog to the pound until it's needed again.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, wandering about in remote jungles can be dangerous, for indigenous tribes are sometimes known to attack outsiders. That is why you should always carry a few extra "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers in your backpack to offer as gifts. Present one to the tribe's leader to show that you come in peace, and you will certainly be welcomed into their village.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I heard Mr. Matthews call Mrs. Lieberman "Twitchy," so I pinned her name tag back on her sweater.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When dining out, always ask to be seated in the Grandmother Winsome section.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Take a cue from the film industry, Kiddies. Install a red light outside your laboratory so that your work will not be interrupted.

Grandmother Winsome Goes To Hollywood

Kiddies, I'm having a wonderful time in Hollywood. An associate of mine from the carnival days is working as an extra on a film, and invited me to the set to look around. I took a peek in the props room, and realized it would be an excellent spot to drop off some evidence. Next time!

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If there is a wedding or other obligation you now wish to get out of, simply tell those involved that you're just getting back from a cruise and are under quarantine because of the coronavirus. Be sure to express your regrets that you will not be able to attend.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I removed the name tag from Mrs. Lieberman's sweater. She has been living at the home for six weeks, so everyone there has had a chance to learn her name by now.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Construction sites often have large plastic tarps that are quite thick and durable, perfect for keeping blood stains off your carpet.

A Tip For The Workplace

To help you get through the workday, periodically check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for new posts. And if there isn't a new post at the moment, go back and read some of your old favorites. Don't worry if your online activity is monitored at work. If anything, this will lead to a promotion, for it will tell your employers that you are someone who follows good advice.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Monday in class I asked for a hall pass to go to the nurse's office. I told the nurse about Mrs. Lieberman's twitching eye and asked if she had any ideas on how to fix it, just in case the industrial strength glue I had used in the ointment didn't work. But she just told me to return to class. I wish she had shared her thoughts with me because when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I was sad to see that Mrs. Lieberman's eye was twitching as much as ever. I spent the morning making an eye patch for her as a temporary solution until I can find a cure for her problem. Mrs. Lieberman seemed to like the patch and even said it suited her.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're about to be captured by police, upon their approach, give an exaggerated yawn and then exclaim: "You woke me up! Where am I? Whose knife is this?" This will help lay the groundwork for a sleepwalking defense.