Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I've just discovered what a great game soccer is. The kids run their little hearts out, and the clock only stops at half time. By the end they are exhausted and in need of a nice cold treat from my ice cream truck. I will certainly be attending more soccer games from now on.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Nomenclature

Kiddies, earlier this afternoon I received an email from Isis of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Isis writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been in the stripping business for more than three decades, and I've never had any trouble attracting customers. Now suddenly I'm not getting as much work. And the few customers I do get are lousy tippers. My friend Lexi tells me there is a new terrorist group calling itself ISIS, and that is the cause of my troubles. She suggested I change my name to avoid any association with them. I've been around a lot longer than this terrorist group, and if anyone should change names, it's them. I've put a lot of money into my career, and my name is embroidered in many of my outfits. Do you think I should change my name?"

Well, Isis, your name is quite pretty, and while I understand your not wishing to part with it, it is always handy to have at least one or two other aliases available to you. You are welcome to any of the aliases that I no longer use. Good possibilities for you include Tulip, Jasmine DeCup or Mistress Ingrid. Or, if you'd prefer to stick with mythology, you could always choose the name of another goddess. How about Athena, or Venus, or even Hera? This also gives you an opportunity to try a new look, develop a new stage persona with different outfits. And when the silly trouble in the Middle East passes, you could always go back to using Isis.

Winsome Family History: Summer, 1944

Kiddies, it was seventy-two years ago, in the summer of 1944, that more than a dozen traveling carnivals got together to hold the Carny Games. The Olympics had been canceled, due to some troubles overseas, and so it was decided this would be a good way to fill a void and cash in on an unmet demand. Also, hundreds of athletes were looking for something to do, and so many of them participated, which helped draw even larger crowds. The first weekend did such great business that we took the games on the road, performing in front of thousands of people all over the country. The carnival that I was part of fared really well, winning many events, including juggling, knife-throwing and cat-hurling. I remember that the Barker Sisters alone brought home three gold medals, and our conjoined twins won the three-legged race by more than six seconds. By the end of the summer, two of the athletes had decided to become permanent members of our carnival. We replaced our aging Strong Man with an Olympic weight lifter, and we added a young gymnast to be a second contortionist, thus giving us an unusual double-contortionist act.

Cindy Returns To The Birch Street Nursing Home

Grandmother asked me to do a drawing for Mr. Matthews at the Birch Street Nursing Home. When I told Allie about it, she offered to help me. I was surprised, because Allie never once offered to help me with my community service last summer. Here is what the two of us came up with:

Allie said I should simply put the drawing in the mail and not go to the Birch Street Nursing Home, but Grandmother had promised I would drop it off to Mr. Matthews in person.

Fanny Mail: A New Request For Cindy

Kiddies, I just received another letter from longtime fan Mr. Matthews of the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Matthews writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am grateful to you for having sent Cindy to me to be my Valentine this year. We had a wonderful day. However, after that, my health declined, and I've been confined to bed. The one thing that has lifted my spirits is the Christmas tree drawing Cindy made for me last December, which is taped to the wall next to my bed. But now that the weather is warmer, and my health has improved enough to have a visitor, I feel a change of decor is in order. Please send Cindy to me with a drawing more fit for the summer season."

Mr. Matthews, I would be delighted to send Cindy to you. I believe she's out with a friend, playing in their tree house. But when she gets in, I'll set her to work on a new drawing for your wall.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My ice cream truck is available for private children's parties. The only requirement is that there must be at least a dozen children, no older than age eleven.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

A death in the family provides a valid excuse for avoiding almost any obligation. But remember, it must be used sparingly, and you should be certain to clean up all the evidence.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It's a good idea to start developing a few odd, but harmless quirks, to lay the foundation for a possible insanity defense, should the need for one ever arise.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When leaving messages in the guest sign-in books at national monuments, be sure to write, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Practice varying your handwriting, Kiddies, for each alias you use should have its own unique signature.

Suspicious Activity

Kiddies, when I logged on to my blog today, I received a message which read, "There's been suspicious activity on your Google account." I'm delighted that a competitor in the world of cat research is so eager to learn of my current experiment that he or she would attempt to access my data. As you know, Kiddies, I am always happy to share my results, but not until a study has been completed. I expect this one will take at least another few weeks, for I still need to finish testing on the final dozen subjects. But stay tuned, eager fans, and I will post the results here.

Fanny Mail: A Communication Question

Hi, Kiddies! In Saturday's mail I received a letter from Benjamin Wilcox of Akron, Ohio. Benjamin writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I firmly believe that 'No' means no. However, in the case where a woman speaks no English, how am I expected to know what anything she says means? The woman I allegedly raped spoke not a single word of English. So how was I to know what she was saying? She might have been urging me on, or perhaps even talking about something completely unrelated. Certainly, she was repeating something. But in all the excitement she never once uttered the word 'No,' at least not in any language I understand. Yet this case is actually going to trial. What do you advise?"

Well, Benjamin, as I understand from your letter, you certainly would have stopped had the woman only asked you to in a language you understood. There are more than six thousand languages currently spoken in the world, and I don't think a person can be held accountable for not knowing them all. It's just not reasonable. Perhaps if you convey to the judge your willingness to take some foreign language classes in order to avoid this sort of confusion in the future, he will dismiss the case. After all, a willingness to learn demonstrates that your heart is in the right place.

Winsome Family History: July 13, 1956

It was on this date in 1956 that I agreed to be the beard for a famous movie star. In return, he agreed to fund the very first Winsome Family Laboratory. The cost included a hundred dollars in cats, which in those days was quite a lot.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

One way to dispose of a small amount of evidence is to place it inside a plush toy, then drop the toy in a donation box for the poor.

Fanny Mail: Another Success Story

Hi, Kiddies! I am always tickled pink to know that my advice makes a positive impact on people's lives. I just received a letter from a grateful fan in Los Angeles who writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the excellent legal advice you provided back in February of 2015 really came in handy in what otherwise could have been a dicey situation. The murder trial felt like it was going in the prosecution's favor until the judge played the 911 call and the jury heard me yell, 'Hang in there, honey, they're on their way!'  I believe that's when they became convinced of my innocence. Two of the jurors were even brought to tears in what became the turning point of the trial. Thank you so much."

You're welcome, Sweetie! And for those of you who might have missed it, you can click here to read the excellent legal advice this fan is referring to.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! In your counseling sessions, during the word association game, always answer, "Grandmother Winsome."

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your workplace offers free counseling, take it, provided that you are still on the clock. Any time spent in the counselor's office is time you won't be expected to do any work.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

If you're sweaty at the end of a baseball game, come cool off with a nice treat in the back of my ice cream truck. And don't worry if you didn't win the game. Every kid is a winner in my ice cream truck.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you end up burying a body in your own yard, be sure to plant a tree in that spot so the fresh dirt won't seem suspicious.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When submitting an obituary to your local paper, always note that your loved one is survived by Grandmother Winsome.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

It's vacation time, Kiddies! Remember to have your ugliest child take all the family photos.

Fanny Mail: A Message From The Road

Kiddies, during lunch I received an email from Ron, who is currently traveling through a major west coast city, and I wanted to share it with you. Ron writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just wanted to mention that I am thankful for the AMBER Alert system on the highway. Soon after the abduction, I became nervous and was about ready to ditch my car and leave the child behind, when I spotted one of those highway signs. Right away, I saw that they got my license plate number wrong, and realized I was in the clear. Now I can relax and enjoy the long drive ahead, thanks to that sign."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, I've just thought of a new, wonderful way to dispose of evidence. Hand it to a child to take to school on show-and-tell day. Children are prone to losing things, but even if the kid manages to hold onto the evidence, by the end of the day there will be several new sets of prints on it.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Remember, Kiddies, wearing gloves will help you to avoid leaving fingerprints, and will also prevent the spread of germs.

A Grandmother Winsome Book

I think it's about time for a Grandmother Winsome book, Kiddies! So if any of you knows a publisher, please make him or her aware of this wonderful opportunity.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're employed as a masseur or masseuse, play the relaxing Grandmother Winsome Theme Song while you work over your clients.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Though convenient, it is not always safe to transport your baby in the same backpack you use to carry your laptop. If the baby wets itself, it could really damage your computer. So it's better to transport your baby in a thick plastic bag.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a shrink, tell all your patients that the only path to sanity is by following Grandmother Winsome.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, it's never too early to start building your character witness list.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in a doctor's office, rather than leaving out magazines in the waiting room, print out the previous month's posts from the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for your patients to enjoy. That will put them in a good mood before you go to work on them.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your maid should happen to perish while on the job, just call her husband to pick up the corpse. He will be as unlikely as you to want to get the authorities involved.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Create a stir during your next flight by mentioning to your seat mates that you think you spotted Grandmother Winsome up in first class.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When writing your college application essays, be sure to quote Grandmother Winsome at least three times.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Cindy

Kiddies, I am always happy to hear from longtime fan and frequent contributor Estelle Steadman. Today Estelle writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just wanted to check in with you regarding Cindy. I haven't heard anything about her on the blog since Valentine's Day, and I wanted to make sure she hasn't gone missing again. I still have a flier from last time. So if you need me to post it, just let me know."

Estelle, as far as I know, Cindy has not gone missing again. But I will be sure to check on her when I finish my experiment later this week.

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, I am delighted to be receiving responses to my online classified ad offering legal advice. If you haven't seen the ad, this is how it reads: "Kiddies, we all get into legal tangles from time to time and need someone's advice on how to get out of them. You can always turn to me. I've advised many people on disposing of evidence, cleaning up crime scenes, avoiding leaving fingerprints, and courtroom demeanor. Contact Grandmother Winsome for help with your legal troubles."

Recently I received a response from Shelia Wallace, who wrote, "Can you help with the filing of a retrial, in a murder case?" I responded to her, telling her I'd be happy to help so long as the person she killed wasn't a fan of mine. I offered her some excellent advice on witness tampering and dealing with the jury. And now she has written to me again. This time Shelia writes: "Thank you for your response. I didn't kill anyone, my son has been found guilty of murder and attempted murder. He hasn't been sentenced yet. What's the next step? What is your fee? He has a public defender."

Well, Shelia, I am tickled pink that you would like to hire me. But I have done rather well on the horses lately, so a fee will not be necessary. As for your next step, talk with the person that your son attempted to kill, and convince him or her to argue on behalf of your son for leniency in the sentencing. Such a victim impact statement will certainly have a strong influence on both the jury and the judge. Take that person and his or her family out to dinner and show them what a nice person you are. Mention how hard it was on you having your son locked up on Mother's Day. Also, organize a peaceful rally outside the court on your son's behalf. Public opinion can have an influence on courtroom proceedings. Just be sure not to block traffic.

Jane's Social Work

Spring is in the air. So today I helped the girls at the women's center create online personal ads to find them some men for this weekend. I was surprised to learn that none of the girls had any appropriate photos of themselves, so I had them pose provocatively and snapped some shots with my phone. I was running out of time, so for the last couple of girls we just used their driver's license photos.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in a Chinese restaurant, make sure all the fortune cookies read, "Grandmother Winsome has the answers."

Spread The Word

If you are a school principal, read the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog entry over the intercom system each morning.

Fanny Mail: A Real Estate Question

Hi, Kiddies. Early this morning I received an email from Randall Emery of Mason City, Iowa. Randall writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, when my wife and I were being shown a house by our real estate agent, we discovered a body in the cellar. We bought the house right on the spot. But then when we moved in a week later, we found that the body had been removed. We called our real estate agent to complain, but she said there's nothing she can do. My wife and I went through the rest of the house, and nothing else seems to be missing, but still, since the house was sold to us 'As Is,' we feel cheated and violated. How do we recover our property?"

Well, Randall, you have a right to be upset, particularly if the body was a selling point, and it sounds like it was. Perhaps this is a scam the owner and real estate agent have concocted to run with all of their properties. They might just keep moving the body around, fooling potential buyers into thinking it's included with each house. The public should be warned of such fraudulent business practices. And you are well within your rights to demand the body back. Let the real estate agent know you're onto their scheme, and threaten legal action if your property is not returned within forty-eight hours.

To anyone in the housing market, I strongly recommend taking photographs of every room when purchasing a house, so you'll have proof of what was shown to you by your real estate agent.

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, I am delighted to have received another response to my online classified ad offering legal advice. Shelia Wallace writes, "Can you help with the filing of a retrial, in a murder case?"

Well, Shelia, I'd be happy to help, so long as the person you killed wasn't a fan of mine. First off, your lawyer should do the actual filing of the motions. And secondly, if you're in prison, you're going to need someone you trust on the outside to handle some of these details. Getting a mistrial the first time around I'm sure seemed like a win, but this time your goal should be for an acquittal. You don't want another mistrial, because it's too risky. Witness tampering will be a key to your success. Get the witnesses to question their memories regarding events outside of the scope of the trial, so that they, and the jury, will come to question their memories in general. That is, of course, only if persuading them to leave the state doesn't work. In addition, you should give some attention to the jury. No one's past is completely without blemish, and having information on the jury members' pasts can be quite helpful if the trial seems to turn against you. The jury will be just as anxious as you to get home and put this behind them. I hope this helps, Sweetie.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Oregon

Hi, Kiddies. I just received an email from Tom Gaston of Hillsboro, Oregon. Tom writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my great aunt hasn't been feeling good lately. I think it's time to say goodbye and pull the plug. Unfortunately, she's not even on life support yet. How do I hasten the process and put an end to her suffering?"

Well, Tom, it's best to say goodbye in steps. First, remove all the medicines from your great aunt's home. If any of her prescriptions are to treat pain, she will soon be just as eager as you to end things. Next, cancel her phone and internet service and all her magazine subscriptions, thus releasing her from her connections to the world outside. Then let her know how weak and frail she looks, and that she no longer has to hold on for your sake.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies. If you work as a psychic, tell your customers that their deceased loved ones are urging them to follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It turns out you can't claim your stillborn babies as dependents on your tax forms, even if you keep them in jars.

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, recently I received a response to my online ad offering legal advice. This person, who did not leave his or her name and clearly was in such a rush that he or she did not have time to proofread, writes: "I am looking for an expert witness testimony on reviewing CHP MVARS. I am in fighting in court."

Well, Sweetie, I would love to help, but it's just not a good idea for me to appear in any court at this time.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's baseball season again, which means it's also ice cream season. Wherever kids are playing, I will be there. I'm toying with the idea of sponsoring a team this year. That way, my presence at all their practices won't be questioned. I've been scouting the neighborhoods already, keeping an eye out for good-looking young players.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you don't have money to take your children out to the movie theatre, just put on a DVD and tell them to sit really close to the television.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Be sure to use vagrants to assist you with any experiments involving hazardous materials.

Fanny Mail: A Spring Cleaning Surprise

Don't skimp on the spring cleaning, Kiddies! You never know what you might find. Take Linda Sutcliffe, for example. I just received an email from her, which reads: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I began doing a thorough cleaning of our house, and in the process, found the child we thought had been missing since Christmas. My husband came to the conclusion that little Susie had been looking for hidden presents. Unfortunately, it was such a tight, hard-to-get-to spot that we never thought to hide gifts there. But we'll remember it, in case we ever decide to have more children."

Winsome Family History: April 10, 1975

Kiddies, it was forty-one years ago today that the Winsome Family Concrete Company got its first official contract, and its fourth actual job.