Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, I am delighted to be receiving responses to my online classified ad offering legal advice. If you haven't seen the ad, this is how it reads: "Kiddies, we all get into legal tangles from time to time and need someone's advice on how to get out of them. You can always turn to me. I've advised many people on disposing of evidence, cleaning up crime scenes, avoiding leaving fingerprints, and courtroom demeanor. Contact Grandmother Winsome for help with your legal troubles."

Recently I received a response from Shelia Wallace, who wrote, "Can you help with the filing of a retrial, in a murder case?" I responded to her, telling her I'd be happy to help so long as the person she killed wasn't a fan of mine. I offered her some excellent advice on witness tampering and dealing with the jury. And now she has written to me again. This time Shelia writes: "Thank you for your response. I didn't kill anyone, my son has been found guilty of murder and attempted murder. He hasn't been sentenced yet. What's the next step? What is your fee? He has a public defender."

Well, Shelia, I am tickled pink that you would like to hire me. But I have done rather well on the horses lately, so a fee will not be necessary. As for your next step, talk with the person that your son attempted to kill, and convince him or her to argue on behalf of your son for leniency in the sentencing. Such a victim impact statement will certainly have a strong influence on both the jury and the judge. Take that person and his or her family out to dinner and show them what a nice person you are. Mention how hard it was on you having your son locked up on Mother's Day. Also, organize a peaceful rally outside the court on your son's behalf. Public opinion can have an influence on courtroom proceedings. Just be sure not to block traffic.

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, I am delighted to have received another response to my online classified ad offering legal advice. Shelia Wallace writes, "Can you help with the filing of a retrial, in a murder case?"

Well, Shelia, I'd be happy to help, so long as the person you killed wasn't a fan of mine. First off, your lawyer should do the actual filing of the motions. And secondly, if you're in prison, you're going to need someone you trust on the outside to handle some of these details. Getting a mistrial the first time around I'm sure seemed like a win, but this time your goal should be for an acquittal. You don't want another mistrial, because it's too risky. Witness tampering will be a key to your success. Get the witnesses to question their memories regarding events outside of the scope of the trial, so that they, and the jury, will come to question their memories in general. That is, of course, only if persuading them to leave the state doesn't work. In addition, you should give some attention to the jury. No one's past is completely without blemish, and having information on the jury members' pasts can be quite helpful if the trial seems to turn against you. The jury will be just as anxious as you to get home and put this behind them. I hope this helps, Sweetie.

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, recently I received a response to my online ad offering legal advice. This person, who did not leave his or her name and clearly was in such a rush that he or she did not have time to proofread, writes: "I am looking for an expert witness testimony on reviewing CHP MVARS. I am in fighting in court."

Well, Sweetie, I would love to help, but it's just not a good idea for me to appear in any court at this time.