Fanny Mail: A Shoe Question

Kiddies, I'm back at Winsome Headquarters, and am beginning to go through the letters and email messages that I received while I was gone. Paul Norkin of Manhattan, New York, writes: "Is it possible to get horseshoes fitted for my cat? I just think that with heavy metal shoes on, it would be less likely to jump onto my stereo cabinet."

Well, Paul, I think that is a delightful and innovative idea. I caution you to make sure the shoes are heavy enough to keep the cat firmly on the ground, because if it is still able to leap up, it would almost certainly cause damage to your stereo cabinet.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're an elderly person on the dating scene, the good thing is you don't have to worry about making long-term commitments.

Fans Welcome Grandmother Winsome

Even though I didn't post the name of the hotel where I am staying, thousands of fans turned out to welcome me. I am just tickled pink that so many people came out to say hello.

Edward's Return

 Edward just got home, and his ice cream truck appears cleaner now than it was when he left.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's been a wonderful trip. The results were even better than I'd hoped for. I covered a lot of territory, and put quite a few smiles on little faces. I'm heading home tomorrow, so I decided to give away the rest of my stock to a few hungry children this evening. I let them each, one at a time, come into the back of the truck to choose their treats. Their displays of gratitude were the perfect ending to my ice cream truck adventures.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I helped a little boy who was lost. He was crying because he couldn't find his way back to his family's campsite. My truck's familiar jingle led him to me, and after an hour or so of calming him down with special treats, I drove him to the nearby site and delivered him to his grateful guardians.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I parked my ice cream truck next to a popular community swimming pool. There were so many children that it was overwhelming. I'm going to sleep well tonight.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

There are far fewer adults at youth baseball practices than at the games.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Charging more to the less appealing children will help balance things out when you provide free cones to some of the others.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

To help cut down on litter, take the wrapper off for the child.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

If a child doesn't have quite enough money, don't turn him away. Simply share a treat with the child. After all, you deserve a treat yourself.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Little girls really enjoy it when you put flowers in their hair. It makes them feel pretty. So I've begun picking daisies to have in the truck. It's often that extra touch that brings the customers back for more.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Not all children have money for ice cream. But I don't wish to deny even the poorest child my special treats. So I've come up with a system whereby the children can earn the ice cream by doing little tasks. My favorite so far is having them hose down the outside of the truck and then scrub it with giant foam sponges. Poor children love spraying each other with hoses.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I found a pleasant suburban street with plenty of children playing outdoors. I parked my ice cream truck in the shade provided by a large tree, and decided to spend the afternoon relaxing, enjoying the sights and sounds. It was an affluent neighborhood, and the children had plenty of money on hand with which to purchase my special treats.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I found a nice secluded area by a calm lake. I had only a few customers, but they were all winners. I've decided to spend the night here, and will travel early in the morning.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

This afternoon I went to the grocery store to stock up on frozen treats. In my excitement about this trip, I had neglected to purchase any ice cream. After a morning of explaining that I actually had nothing for sale, I decided to take a quick drive to the store. The second half of the day was even more enjoyable, and slightly profitable.

An Announcement From Edward

The warm weather is finally here, which means that children all over the country will be coming outdoors to play. It also means time for adventure. This year I've decided to take a couple of weeks to explore a little of the country in my ice cream truck. I've got the truck all packed, with sleeping bags for comfort and restraints for safety. I also have maps with lots of secluded, wooded areas marked for enjoyment and exploration.

Grandmother is helping by sponsoring this trip. In return, I will be posting some updates from the road. Wherever children are playing, I will be there.

A Safety Tip From Edward

If you're concerned about safety, install some straps in the back of your ice cream truck to act like seat belts. That way, no one will get damaged back there if you come to a sudden stop.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you discover a new planet, star or comet, be sure to name it after your favorite Grandmother.

A Tip From Edward

Always keep an extra sleeping bag in your ice cream truck.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a member of a popular music group, be sure to start all your concerts with the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song. Your fans will be delighted if you play it again as your encore.

Fanny Mail: An Adoption Question

Hi, Kiddies. I just received an email from Elaine Hoffs of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Elaine writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, is it cheaper to adopt sickly children? I'm on a budget, and I won't need them for long."

Well, Elaine, that's a very good question. It seems to me that most people are not willing to purchase defective merchandise, and so often stores just end up tossing those items. With that in mind, I am certain that adoption agencies would be willing to give you a discount on sickly children. Plus, they will be relieved to have those children moved off the floor to make room for better product, and also to keep themselves, as well as the other stock, from getting sick.

And for those of you who are in the market, check out Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Adopting A Child.

A Camping Tip From Edward

When camping with a scout troop, you'll need bug repellant and sunblock. Be sure to get the kind you have to rub on by hand rather than the less-personal spray.

If anyone questions your choice, here is a list of legitimate reasons for using the lotion rather than the spray:

• Aerosol sprays are bad for the environment
• Aerosol sprays are harmful for children with asthma, and could trigger an attack
• The spray is flammable, and is therefore more dangerous
• There is less of a chance of getting the lotion in someone's eyes
• The lotions come in smaller sizes that will fit more easily inside your backpack 
• The lotion eliminates the wind as a factor
• The lotions often have a more pleasant fragrance 
• With the lotion, you have more control over just where you're spreading it

Though these are all valid explanations, you could also simply tell the person the store was out of the spray.

Cindy's Art Projects

Cindy's assignment in school this week was to draw how she plans on spending her spring vacation. The result was this delightful picture, which I am pleased to share with all of you.

That reminds me, I am again in need of fresh cats for the Time Machine experiment.

Winsome Family History: April 14, 1944

It was seventy years ago that the Barker Sisters enjoyed their first major success in the art of making things vanish.

Fanny Mail: A Professor's Question

Today I received an email from Professor Nicole Jennings of Seattle, Washington. Professor Jennings writes: "Is it possible to rent children from an orphanage? I am curious about the effects of grief on young children, and for statistical purposes need at least a dozen subjects to take to various funerals. I’d use my own children, but I fear the long-term effects might be devastating. And though my study is currently unfunded, I am willing to pay the orphanage for the use of their children."

Well, Professor, I’m sure the people who run the orphanage would be happy to have you take the children off their hands for a while. And if you’re able to sweeten the deal by giving them a bit of money, I can’t see how they could object. Plus, the children will likely appreciate a day out.

Fanny Game Fan Videos

Kiddies, today I received a delightful video from longtime Grandmother’s Fanny Game fan Ruth Washington of Oakland, California. Ruth writes, “Grandmother Winsome, I wanted to share with you and your loyal viewers my neighbor’s solution to the homeless problem in my area.”

That’s wonderful, Sweetie! Your neighbor has taken an annoyance and turned it into a fun activity. The next time you speak with her, please ask where she found that lovely pink bucket.

Edward's "For Your Information"

The warm weather will be here soon, so now is a good time to take your ice cream truck in for a tune-up. You don’t want to lose even a single day of the season by having your truck in the repair shop.

Winsome Family History: March 31, 2002

It was exactly twelve years ago that Clappy The Clown performed at his final children's birthday party.

Spring Cleaning

Kiddies, it's that time of year again, and we here at Winsome Headquarters are busy with our spring cleaning. I was up in the attic, going through some old files, and decided to discard several aliases that we no longer need. Feel free to make use of any of these that suit your particular needs.

• Alice Windham
• Charles Winthrop, Esq.
• Great Grandmother Winters
• Sylvester Longstocking
• Allison McCallister
• Nora Dunn
• Ambassador Eckstein
• Representative Joel Peterson
• Senator Jane Hilton
• The Honorable Judge Irving Thomas
• Supreme Court Justice Duke Revelle
• Postmaster Jonathan Walker
• Chef Pierre LaFontaigne
• Supermodel Jane Thinn 
• Fashion Designer Eleanor Jane   
• Channel 7 Eye-In-The-Sky Reporter Jude Hamilton
• Dr. Flambeau
• Edna Rohal, RN
• Mad Lisa C.
• Christina Mmm-mmmm Guy
• Stephanie "The Prize" Conti
• Cindi
• Tulip
• Ned
• Ted
• Jed
• Ngandi T’gowi
• Sergeant T.M. McGraw
• General Logan
• Officer Paul Stanford
• Vice Principal Franklin
• Vice Principal Langston
• Vice Principal Holmes
• Vice Principal White
• Vice Principal Gershna
• Vice Principal Voorhees
• Professor Janice Olson
• Professor Edmund Winters
• Olympic Silver Medalist Fran Windham
• Olympic Gold Medalist Susan Sharps
• Coach McGraw
• Lifeguard Charles
• Swimming Instructor Charles
• PTA Member Ed Ward
• Commissioner Norfolk
• Crossing Guard Jordan
• Dennis The Flower Guy
• Dennis The Chalkboard Repairman
• Dennis The Merry-Go-Round Repairman
• Dennis The School Bus Driver
• Dennis The Hall Monitor
• Lunch Lady Lois
• Veterinarian Rhonda
• Best-Selling Author Sue Pritchett
• Max Bernstein, Attorney At Law
• Chief Constable Granger
• Sister Mary
• Father Patrick O’Sullivan
• Rabbi Rafflestein
• Pope Willie II
• Deacon Oliver Schmidt
• Archbishop Desantis
• The Barker Sisters
• The Great Misterio
• Clappy The Clown
• Hotfoot McGraw
• Lou "The Foot" Marino
• Prisoner B-33142
• Jasmine DeCup
• Mistress Ingrid
• Miss Wyoming
• Slim Sally LePan
• Guts McGraw
• Two-Fists McGraw
• Harry "Pigeon" McCoy
• Guido "The Tail" Prosciutto
• George "The Killer" Steele
• The Late Penny Baur
• Lady Primrose
• Duchess Katherine Brahms
• Sir Richmond Humphries
• Sheik Al Q'aissie
• His Majesty, The King Of Sylvania

Cindy's Coat Update

The maid finally finished sewing Cindy’s new cat jacket. Cindy is so pleased with it, she is out right now, taking a long walk in the cool air.