Rest In Peace, Mexican Maid

Hi, Kiddies! As you know, the Mexican maid is gone, but she has not yet been forgotten. I thought I'd take a moment to honor her memory.

The Mexican maid was an employee here at Winsome Headquarters for many years before she was eliminated by aliens. She helped me with several experiments, perhaps most importantly the cryonics experiment, for which she did a lot of the hands-on work. The Mexican maid enjoyed dusting, mopping blood off the floor, holding the fireworks on Independence Day, and capturing stray cats for my experiments. When an alien presence began keeping tabs on the activities in Winsome Headquarters, the Mexican maid was instrumental in keeping me informed, providing updates while I was safely away at Winsome Auxiliary Building G. Unfortunately, the aliens planted a listening device in the maid, and she died as a result. The Mexican maid is survived by her many children, but they were deported in one of those sweeps last year, and so could not pay their last respects.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw that one of the first-floor windows had been smashed in. The head nurse had once told me that in case of emergency, I must call her and not the police. So that is what I did. She instructed me to sweep up the glass, and then make a list of everything that was stolen. She also told me to call all the local window replacement businesses to get estimates for repairs, and in the meantime to find a large piece of cardboard in the basement to cover the window. I didn't notice anything missing, and the only patient who came forward claiming to have been robbed was Mrs. Patterson, who shouted that Mrs. Shimshack had risen from the grave to steal from her again.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today my list of chores at the Birch Street Nursing Home included cleaning the room where Ms. Jenkins used to live. The head nurse left me a note saying they'd had a Valentine's Day celebration in that room, but hadn't had a chance to tidy up yet. When I asked the patients if they had a good time, they seemed confused and said they'd all been sent to bed early that day. But the room was a mess. I filled a large trash bag with empty liquor bottles, mopped the floor, and put all the underwear I found under the bed into the wash.

Spread The Word

If you work at a hospital, whenever you announce a code blue over the intercom, also say "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Spread The Word

When filling out a greeting card, if you find you have a lot of extra space, write "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game" in giant pink letters.

A Word From Grandmother Winsome

If you arrive late to a meeting, be honest and tell everyone you were enjoying the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog and simply lost track of time.

Looking For A New Mexican Maid

Kiddies, I've received several responses to my classified ad for a new Mexican maid. But because none of the applicants so far have experience with cryogenic tanks, I've decided to hold off on the interviews until next week.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was eager to get to the Birch Street Nursing Home today to see if my concoction helped Mrs. Kunkle with her disorder. While I went about my chores, I did my best to keep an eye on her and observe her behavior. And I was pleased to note that Mrs. Kunkle did not go around to all the rooms to touch the light switches and windows. Before I headed home, I went into Mrs. Patterson's room and told her she wouldn't be bothered by Mrs. Kunkle anymore, that Mrs. Kunkle would not be in her room again. "That's good," Mrs. Patterson said, "because she was in my room just yesterday, trying to steal from me."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, these days it might be better to wear a dark mask at night instead of painting your face black for certain activities. You don't want to chance getting arrested for burglary and then be accused of being a racist on top of that.

Spread The Word

If you have the opportunity to deliver a speech at a wedding, be sure to tell the happy couple that they will have a long and prosperous marriage provided they follow all of Grandmother Winsome's advice.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if the authorities arrest another person for crimes you've committed, be sure not to commit that same type of crime again, for that might prove to them they've arrested the wrong person.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Take any bloody clothing you might have to the hospital and toss it in the trash can nearest the emergency room. No one will be alarmed to find blood-soaked garments there, for it's perfectly reasonable that they came from severely injured patients.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a costumer for movies and television, dress all the extras in Grandmother Winsome pink.

Grandmother Winsome's Eventful Super Bowl Sunday

Kiddies, yesterday I won a considerable amount of money on the Super Bowl, but lost the Mexican maid. She succumbed to the implant left by the aliens. After the game, Cindy told me the maid seemed to be in bad shape, and when I went outside to check, I saw that she was right. I brought the maid into my laboratory so I could perform a hasty operation to find and remove the listening device the aliens had planted inside her body, but was too late. The device was impossible to locate, and the maid didn't make it. To be safe, I burned her body. I'm going to have to use a small portion of my Super Bowl winnings to put a classified ad in the paper for a new Mexican maid.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Telling young children the secret password for entry to your tree fort will make them feel special.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home earlier than usual and rushed through my chores so that I could spend as much time as possible in my basement laboratory working on a concoction to cure Mrs. Kunkle's disorder. After the incident last week with Mrs. Patterson, I knew it was up to me to get Mrs. Kunkle to stop needing to touch every light switch and window several times a day. Late this afternoon, I had a mixture that I thought might work and presented the cure to Mrs. Kunkle. Before she drank it she told me, "Don't feel bad if it doesn't work." I wanted to stick around to see the results, but by then it was getting dark and I needed to get home to help Grandmother keep an eye on the Mexican maid. So I won't know if I was successful until next week.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your child’s school requires a note from a parent to explain an absence, simply write that he or she was home enjoying episodes of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute.

Unusual Activity At Winsome Headquarters

A few days ago, after noting some strange behavior from the Mexican maid, I instructed Cindy to keep an eye on her for me. And Cindy has done just that. Today she told me that the maid has been vomiting. If the aliens did implant a listening device inside the maid, this could be a sign of her body trying to reject it. It seems more and more certain that the aliens are still trying to monitor my activity. As a precaution I've secured the maid to a chair behind Winsome Headquarters, and told Cindy to stand watch from a window and keep me apprised of any developments in her condition.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Rather than donating to charity anonymously, donate as "A fan of Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you have extra space in your cellar, collect stray cats and dogs from the neighborhood and leave them down there. Then keep an eye on the nearby telephone poles for any fliers offering rewards for their safe return.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson attacked Mrs. Kunkle. I was downstairs, cleaning fingerprints off the windows, when I heard the loud thud and scream. I rushed to Mrs. Patterson's room, where Mrs. Patterson had knocked Mrs. Kunkle to the floor and was standing over her, keeping her down with a broom. "I got her this time," Mrs. Patterson shouted at me. "This woman keeps coming into my room, stealing from me. She's working for Mrs. Shimshack." After I helped Mrs. Kunkle up, I tried to calm Mrs. Patterson down by explaining that Mrs. Kunkle has a disorder that makes her need to touch the light switches and windows several times a day. I told Mrs. Patterson that Mrs. Kunkle was not stealing from her, and reminded her once again that Mrs. Shimshack is dead. But Mrs. Patterson did not seem convinced. It was at that moment that I decided I would need to create a concoction to cure Mrs. Kunkle's disorder.

Unusual Activity At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, I've been back from Winsome Auxiliary Building G for a few days now, and I've noticed some strange behavior from the Mexican maid. She has been lingering over my laboratory equipment when doing her dusting, and spending a lot of time in the bathroom. I fear she may have been compromised by the alien presence while I was gone. It occurs to me that the aliens could have easily taken the Mexican maid and planted some sort of listening device somewhere inside her. So I told the maid to lie on the floor, and ran a metal detector over her entire body. That didn't turn up anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean that no device is present. So to be on the safe side, I've ceased speaking to the Mexican maid about anything important. Of course, I've never allowed her to learn to read or write, so if there is something I need her to do that I wish to remain secret, I will simply pantomime the required activity. I told Cindy to keep an eye on the maid, for if her strange behavior continues, I will have no choice but to rely on my brief experience as an amateur surgeon to discover the location of the alien device.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a hairstylist, always turn the salon gossip to Grandmother's Fanny Game. For example, ask your clients, "What do you think Cindy will do this week at the Birch Street Nursing Home?"

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, whenever you watch a sporting event on television, keep your laptop computer open. Then when the game breaks for a series of commercials, rather than getting angry, you can watch your favorite episodes of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute until play resumes.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Wearing your Santa Claus outfit makes it easier to convince children it is safe to accept a ride from you.

Away From Winsome Headquarters

Greetings from Winsome Auxiliary Building G. The Mexican maid just called to alert me that the lights have stopped flickering at Winsome Headquarters, so it seems the alien surveillance there is at an end. I'm heading home, Kiddies!

Away From Winsome Headquarters

This is Grandmother Winsome reporting from Winsome Auxiliary Building G. Earlier this morning, I recalled the combination to the old safe I'd hidden beneath the floorboards in the back closet. In the safe I found a large manila envelope containing special papers and documents. One of those papers was a hastily written note listing the location where a man was being secretly held until I could question him about an important matter. But unfortunately many years passed and I never got back to him, and doubt he would be of much use to me now.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I had a little trouble with Mr. Matthews. He said he caught Mrs. Kunkle's disease and had to touch me seven times a day, and since I am there only once a week, he had to touch me forty-nine times to make up for the other days. While he was doing that, Mrs. Kunkle came in on her rounds to touch Mr. Matthews' light switch and window. Later Mrs. Kunkle explained to me that her disorder is not contagious and that if Mr. Matthews claims he caught it from her, he is pulling my leg.

Spread The Word

Joining several local organizations – whatever they might be – provides you with new opportunities to spread the word about Grandmother Winsome and the wonderful Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Remember, Kiddies, a pink handkerchief in a man's back pocket means he is a fan of Grandmother Winsome, and so is a good catch.

Away From Winsome Headquarters

This is Grandmother Winsome reporting from Winsome Auxiliary Building G. I have an update, Kiddies. The power is back on at Winsome Headquarters, so the Mexican maid is able to do her vacuuming and other chores. She told me, however, that the lights still flicker from time to time, so the aliens may still be present. I've ordered the Mexican maid to spend the nights on the roof, watching for any extraterrestrial activity, and to alert me of any developments. I instructed her to cover herself in pine tar to blend in with the shingles.

Away From Winsome Headquarters

This is Grandmother Winsome reporting from Winsome Auxiliary Building G. I will be conducting Winsome Family business here until the possible alien surveillance of Winsome Headquarters is finished. Flickering lights a couple of days ago warned me of a potential alien presence. It's a good thing the cryogenic tanks in the basement are powered by a separate generator, for the Mexican maid just told me the electricity went out completely this morning, and has not come back on. I wouldn't want those cats defrosting prematurely. My decision to leave Winsome Headquarters has proved to be a wise one, and I'm pleased to be a safe distance from the aliens.

Away From Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, to avoid a possible alien abduction, I am conducting Winsome Family business from one of my auxiliary buildings. I'll be here until I am certain that any alien surveillance of Winsome Headquarters is concluded. It has been a while since I've used this building, and from what I can tell from my first day here, the area's population has decreased in the intervening years. Yet the cat population has grown. Also, cuts in the town's budget have resulted in there being only one police car. Those factors mean it will be easy to conduct some research while I'm here.

An Announcement From Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, the lights have been flickering all morning. While the chances are slim that those fluctuations in the electric current were caused by aliens, Grandmother Winsome is not going to risk it. So, during the time that Winsome Headquarters may be under alien surveillance, I will be posting from one of the Winsome satellite buildings in a neighboring state.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, work to establish a reputation of being something of a jokester. That way, should you happen to let something slip about your nighttime activities, people who know you won't take your comment too seriously.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I had a little trouble with the new patient, Mrs. Kunkle. When I was distributing the medicine, Mrs. Kunkle wasn't in her room. I eventually found her in Mr. Oliveras' room, where she was touching the light switch and counting out loud. When I handed her the medicine, she started to cry and said she'd have to start all over. After she left, Mr. Oliveras explained to me that Mrs. Kunkle has been going around to all the rooms seven times a day since she arrived, touching every light switch and window, and counting to eleven with each touch.

An Important Message From Grandmother Winsome

The national parks are being left unsupervised by government officials, making them ideal places to dispose of evidence this week. Kiddies, take advantage of the government shutdown!

Spread The Word

If you work as a football announcer on the radio, during those excruciatingly long replay reviews, when your listeners can't possibly have an opinion on the call, don't bore them by describing the play over and over. Instead, just wait for the refs to decide the call, and during that time read to your listeners the latest posts from the wonderful Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you work as a taxi driver and have to pick up a fare at the hospital, before letting him into your car, first crack the passenger side window and ask if he is contagious.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If a judge orders you to do community service, offer to read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts to the blind. You'll be fulfilling your duty both to the state and to Grandmother Winsome.

Taking Down The Decorations

Today I decided it was finally time to take down the Christmas decorations from the walls of my shack. It took several hours to remove and organize the hundreds of photos of adorable children posed with me at the mall. I will store them in the special box with my Santa Claus outfit until the end of the year, when I will be adding to my collection.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, it is best to get your children vaccinated. You don't want to risk one of them dying from an easily preventable illness because then there is a likelihood the authorities and even the media will poke into your affairs.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Although you have less privacy when using a library computer, the browser history will be full of all sorts of nutty searches that will send the authorities in many directions.

A Winter Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Children who live in warm climates miss out on the fun of building snowmen in the winter. An easy substitute is to let them play in a walk-in freezer. They can scrape the frost off the frozen slabs of meat to cover the floor. They may not get enough frost for a snowman, but they will certainly be able to make snow angels. And they might get enough to make a few snow balls for a snow ball fight. Just be sure you keep the door securely closed while the children are in there. You don't want anything to melt and ruin their good fun.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I found a nice message from the head nurse on my list of chores. She thanked me for posting the ad in the classifieds about the three vacancies the home suddenly had. She wrote that my ad has already paid off, and that a new patient would be arriving today. And sure enough, this afternoon a car pulled up out front and dropped off a woman and her luggage. I brought the bags up to her room, got her settled in, then went to the main desk to write "Mrs. Kunkle" on the roster after crossing out "Mrs. Geffner."

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, last week Cindy lost three of her friends over at the Birch Street Nursing Home. That reminded me of one of the questions you answered in the 2017 Fanny Game Fan Poll, which was "How many funerals have you attended over the past year?" I looked over the data, and decided to share the results. Most of you went to between four and six funerals in the year leading up to the Fanny Game Fan Poll. Several of you, however, reported going to no funerals at all, with some of you stating emphatically that you avoid them. One busy young man attended fifty-four funerals.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Whenever you find a suitcase full of money, before going on a shopping spree, take a moment to inspect the bills to make sure they are not counterfeit. You don't want to give the authorities cause to search your home, if they manage to trace the bills back to you.

Year Of The Grandmother, Indeed!

Kiddies, 2018 turned out to be quite a busy year here at Winsome Headquarters. We had a record 385 blog posts, more than double our previous high. It was indeed the Year of the Grandmother. And, Kiddies, 2019 promises to be just as exciting, since, as astrologers have declared, it is another Year of the Grandmother.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

When creating your profile for an online dating site, choose as your name "GrandmothersFannyGameFan." You will be certain to attract only the best people, while also helping to spread the word about my wonderful blog.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If there's a good chance that your date will end up back at your place, make sure you've flushed the toilet before going out to meet him.