Cindy's Best Friend

During recess today, Allie and I sneaked around to the back of the school, and she showed me an injured squirrel she caught. She dared me to touch it, but the bell rang.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When purchasing a new saw, be sure to ask the salesperson if it can cut through bone.

Fanny Mail: Starting A Business

Kiddies, this weekend I received a letter from William Bradford of Eugene, Oregon. William writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I recently acquired an older, single-story building that is not wheelchair accessible, and I don’t wish to spend the money to make it so. My question is, what type of business would the wheelchair-bound not wish to visit, because, honestly, in addition to avoiding the extra costs, I'd prefer to keep the place upbeat. Perhaps a running shoe store?"

William, I would suggest against a shoe store.Wheelchair-bound people do actually purchase shoes. And their lawyers might threaten you with legal action if you do not install a wheelchair ramp. Of course, it wouldn’t be worth the cost of installing one, because you would get no repeat business from wheelchair-bound people, as they never wear out a pair of shoes. Instead, try selling trampolines. 

Edward's "For Your Information"

Setting up a basketball hoop in your yard is a surefire way to attract the neighborhood children.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Whenever attempting to pass off the murder of a family member as an accident, keep in mind that the authorities can determine the time of death fairly accurately. So if you wait to make that 911 call until after you’ve cleaned away certain evidence, they will wonder about that time lapse and look more closely into your story. So simply commit the murder during rush hour. That way, you can call the paramedics right at the time of death. The extra minutes it will take them to arrive will give you the time you need to clean up the scene, and your story will check out. 

Kiddies, here is a bonus tip: While talking with the 911 operator, be sure to turn away from the phone briefly and shout, "Hang in there, honey, they're on their way!" These calls are recorded, and having that line on tape will add more credibility to your story, should the case come to trial.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you feel you're unable to say no outright to a family member's request to babysit her child, one simple trip to the emergency room should eliminate future requests.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

What a fun weekend! I'm sad that Allie had to go home, but I'll see her tomorrow morning at school. During recess we plan to continue working on our tree house designs.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie was curious about the basement, and kept asking to see Grandmother's ongoing experiments. Normally I would ask permission before going down there, but Grandmother was busy watching football, and Allie said it would be okay. We had a lot of fun, and Allie said she had never seen so many cats.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie and I decided to have a tea party in the attic. There wasn't a table, so we used the long wooden box that Grandmother keeps up there.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

I'm still awake because of that scary ghost story that Allie told me. I don't want to wake Allie to ask her about it, so I'm trying to find out online if the story really happened in this neighborhood, like she said.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie got out the popcorn popper, and we made a large batch of popcorn and told each other ghost stories. Allie told one that really frightened me.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie tried on some of the clothes we found in the upstairs hall closet. She sure looks goofy in that giant hat.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

In the upstairs hall closet, Allie and I found the perfect material for curtains for our tree house.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie and I just got back from a nice long walk through the woods. We saw the perfect tree for a tree house, and now we're going to get out some paper to draw up the designs. We didn't see any pretty birds, so we left the birdseed in a big pile by our favorite tree. I hope that when we go back to build the tree house, there will be lots of birds.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When renting a car, you are often required to return it with a full tank of gas. However, rental agreements say nothing regarding the car's other fluids. So be sure to drain the car of its oil, brake fluid, coolant, transmission fluid, power steering fluid and windshield wiper fluid. That way, you get a little extra for your money.

Cindy's New Best Friend

I am so excited! Tomorrow right after school Allie is coming over to spend the weekend. All week we've been making plans and adding to our list of things to do. One of Allie's suggestions is a long walk through the woods, so that is something we plan to do on Saturday. We're going to take along some birdseed in case we see some pretty birds.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

Business continues to boom for my traveling massage parlor. However, last night I got caught in the snowstorm. I had a client with me when the snow hit, and we had to buckle down for the night in the back of the truck until the storm passed. It was a good thing I had that extra blanket. I’m sure his parents were grateful when I dropped him off, all toasty warm, this morning at the corner near their house.

Cindy's New Best Friend

I'm so excited because Allie's parents are letting her stay at my house this weekend. We're going to have so much fun. I'm making a list of all the things we can do. So far my list includes hide and seek, bake cookies, put on perfume and play dress-up, comb each other's hair, look for cats. I can't believe it's only Monday. Friday seems years away.

A Fan's Super Bowl Activities

Hi, Kiddies. Today I got a new message from longtime fan Chuck of West Virginia. I'm always happy to hear from him. Chuck writes: "Good news, Grandmother! I'm going to be in Phoenix next weekend for the big game. Though I have a lot of money riding on the outcome, I don't actually have a ticket. That's okay, because I'm going for a completely different reason. I recently watched a documentary film that said that the Super Bowl is the number one day for prostitutes. They actually ship them in from all over the place to satisfy the needs of football fans. The pickings are usually pretty slim here in West Virginia, so I am very excited to check out a wider selection. I might even try Mexican. Depending on how my bets go, I may want to extend my stay. Although the documentary was excellent in providing details about this special facet of the Super Bowl, it failed to mention when the prostitutes are shipped out again. Do you know how long the whores stick around after the game?"

Well, Chuck, most of the people who go to the game will not be able to fly out that night, and those who bet on the losing team will likely desire the comfort provided by a prostitute. So girls will be available for at least a day or two after the game. By Wednesday, most of them will be on their way to New Orleans in preparation for the Mardi Gras celebrations. But if your winnings are substantial, you should have no trouble persuading your favorite hooker to stay an extra day or two.

Cindy's New Best Friend

Allie came over after school today and showed me how to set up the popcorn popper. We ate popcorn while we did our homework.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Some of the better grammar schools have swim teams, and those meets are free to the public.

Cindy's New Best Friend

I can't wait to get back to school on Monday to see my new best friend, Allie. I wanted to invite her over today, but her family is making her stay home to finish unpacking her toys and clothes from the move. So I helped Grandmother with one of her experiments, and wrote a note about it to give to Allie on Monday.

Cindy's New Best Friend

School is so much more enjoyable now that Allie has moved to town. We try to sit together whenever possible, and during gym class today I chose her as my partner. Because she's new at the school, Allie has some catching up to do, so tonight I'm going to help her with her homework over the phone.

Cindy's New Best Friend

It's a new year, and I have a new best friend. She moved to my town over the holiday break, and started at my school today. Because she's new, she didn't have any friends. My classmates were all ignoring her, and she seemed lonely, so at recess I went to introduce myself. Her name is Alexandra, but she goes by Allie. She forgot to bring her lunch, so I shared mine with her. And now we're best friends. I know we are going to have a lot of fun together.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

To keep the local homeless man from eating your snowman's nose, place a little dung at the tip of the carrot.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Choose a busy public place, and act out your favorite scenes from "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute."

This reminds me of my earliest forays into publicity, when I was just a teenager with the traveling carnival. I would choose one act and take it into town in the afternoon as a taste of what the people could enjoy that night. I usually chose Helen and Ellen because they were the most outgoing and friendly, while also being pretty, talented, and interesting to observe. Of all the conjoined twins I've met, they had the most impressive juggling act.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

During the winter, keep a blanket in your car in case of breakdowns. If trouble occurs on the back roads at night, you'll be happy to have it.

Winsome Family History: December 29, 1964

It was fifty years ago today that the first Winsome Family Headquarters was established. At that time, we were promised to soon be living in plastic laminated homes in electric cities, enjoying our 8-tracks. Oh, how the times have changed. We didn't have as much room then, so the experiments had to be kept rather small in scope. Plus, we had to deal with that pesky Declaration of Helsinki. Still, those were good times.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Rehydration

Kiddies, the day after Christmas I received an email from Wally Mitchell of Henderson, Nevada. Wally writes: "Is there a way to rehydrate a dead body? If not the entire body, is it possible to rehydrate just one small area? I really need the neck to return to its supple state."

Wally, I never keep a corpse around that long, so I'm not certain. But some of my fans may have a solution.

Can anyone help Wally? Please leave your comments below.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

At the beginning of this month I hit the road in my ice cream truck, which I recently re-fitted as a traveling massage parlor, because children get aches and pains too. This business venture is going even better than I'd hoped, and this past week in particular saw a lot of customers. Sadly, a few of them were adults, and so to deal with that problem I left the price for children at one dollar but have listed the adult price at two hundred dollars.

A Grandmother Winsome Post-Christmas Tip

Christmas is over, and it's now time to exchange those gifts for items you actually want. Keep in mind that this is the one time of the year when stores do not expect or require you to have a receipt in order to make an exchange, so this makes it a good time to unload other possessions you no longer want. The long lines will keep the clerks from looking too closely at whatever you wish to exchange, so provided the items appear new, you should have no trouble.

Glenn Is An Asshole

My experiment is over. Eight weeks of work, and what do I have to show for it? A popcorn popper. That's right. That's what Glenn made me drive out to the coffee shop to retrieve this morning. That's the gift he gave me. Not the necklace. The necklace that he all but promised me. What happened? Glenn couldn't give a reasonable explanation. Clearly this shows that dating just one man isn't the way to go after all. Next year I'll date as many men as possible.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Christmas Eve Update)

I just got a hold of Glenn on the phone. He said he does have my gift, but can't meet me until the 26th. Of course I am willing to wait one more day for such a gorgeous necklace.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #8)

Christmas is almost here, and this year I am eager to receive a substantial gift. On Halloween I began my holiday experiment, in which I'm dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas. I spent the first several weeks carefully laying the groundwork. During the sixth week, I showed Glenn some choice pieces of jewelry in catalogues, and he indicated his interest in one necklace by telling me, "That is nice." Then last week we simply met for lunch, which provided more evidence that he was saving up his money for the necklace.

This week, Week #8, Glenn told me he was quite busy. And indeed he must have been, for it took him several days to return my call. And when he did, on Thursday, it was to let me know that his weekend was completely booked. I offered to meet him for lunch on Friday, but he told me that's when his office was holding its annual party. Not wanting to be too demanding so close to the big day, I then mentioned the possibility of even meeting him for his bowling night Friday, but he told me he wasn't going to make it this week, because that was the only time he had to do his shopping. And as he didn't invite me along, it became obvious to me that that was the time he planned to purchase the necklace. I can't wait for Christmas. Today I've been practicing my surprised look in the mirror, for when I open his thoughtful gift.

A Grandmother Winsome Christmas Tip

If you're unsure what to get someone for Christmas this year, keep in mind that one gift that is always appreciated is the promise of a strong alibi.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #7)

This is the seventh week of my holiday experiment, in which I am dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas in order to get a substantial gift. Last week Glenn unintentionally revealed the expensive necklace he intends to purchase for me for Christmas. So this week I wasn't all that upset when he said he was only able to meet me during the week on his lunch break. Because I now am certain that he is saving up his money to buy that great gift for me.

As part of my plan to reinforce his excellent choice of gifts, I wore a pretty dress with a low neckline, but without a necklace. Ordinarily I wouldn't be seen in public with a low neckline and no necklace, but the circumstances called for it. Glenn cleverly avoided mentioning the necklace, so clearly he wishes it to be a surprise. But I carefully brought up the subject of jewelry several times, and it seemed that one of those times he winked at me. This is shaping up to be a very merry Christmas indeed.

Spread The Word

Spread the word, Kiddies! Don't pass by a wet slab of concrete without using a stick to write, "Visit the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #6)

This is the sixth week of my holiday experiment, in which I'm dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas. I accepted two dates from Glenn this week to make up for the one we missed last week. So I am now back on track to meet the quota of eight dates before the big gift day.

I was able to get a hold of Glenn Tuesday night, and he agreed to meet for a drink Wednesday after he got off work. It was a brief date, and he didn't spend as much money as I'd planned. But I've decided that is all right, as it was a mid-week date.

Glenn wasn't available on Saturday, so for our second date, we met again for bowling Friday evening. Though it wasn't a fancy date, I was able to make use of it by bringing along some magazines and a few catalogues. Between frames, I pointed out some stylish items that I admired. Glenn might have inadvertently given away a hint of his purchase plans, because he all but ignored the first few items I pointed out to him, but then, regarding a particularly fine piece of jewelry, he said, "That is nice." So that he wouldn't forget, I slipped that catalogue, folded open to that page, into his bowling ball bag.

I'll make good use of the remaining two weeks to reinforce the idea that this necklace is the perfect choice for my Christmas gift.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

It can be dangerous to let your child ride in the trunk of your car, because someone could rear-end you. So if safety is a concern, have him or her wear a bicycle helmet.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #5)

This was the fifth week of my holiday experiment, in which I am dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas in order to get a special gift. Unfortunately, Glenn was unavailable this weekend. And as I couldn't find him at his favorite bowling alley Friday evening, I can only assume his absence was due to family obligations for the Thanksgiving holiday. Especially as things went so well last weekend. I will ask him about it when I'm able to get a hold of him, and I'll let him make it up to me this coming week by accepting two dates from him.

For those of you who are dating, don't be concerned if you didn't receive a nice gift for Thanksgiving, as it is not a traditional gift-giving holiday.

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Advice: Wrapping Up

Kiddies, several of you have written to me, concerned about the Thanksgiving holiday and the stress of having guests in your home. Well, Grandmother is here to help. Here are several ways you can let your guests know it’s time for them to leave after Thanksgiving dinner.

• Burn the dessert 
• Turn up the music so people can’t hear each other  
• Turn off the furnace
• Tell your guests the toilet is backed up 
• Tell them there have been a lot of car thefts at night in the area 
• Remind them of the great deals they can get at stores if they get up early enough
• Announce that it’s time for cleanup 
• Bring up old conflicts
• Talk about your money problems 
• Say you’ve run out of alcohol 
• Turn off the lights

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Advice: Conversation Topics

Kiddies, I've received many messages the past week from fans seeking help in coping with the Thanksgiving holiday. Last night I addressed concerns regarding preparations. Another concern is the Thanksgiving meal conversation. We’re often told of topics to avoid. But which topics should we pursue? Well, Grandmother is here to help. Here is a list of conversation topics which will be interesting without leading to conflicts.

• Why it’s important to have sunglasses with you even on a cloudy day  
• Why light bulbs are suddenly more expensive 
• What you would name a street were it up to you
• How photography is now a more affordable hobby
• The resurgence of vinyl records and whether it will last 
• The likelihood of ever having flying cars 
• Advantages of the metric system
• Why maps are still important 
• If you owned a sports team, the colors you'd choose for their uniforms 
• Candies that are no longer manufactured
• Places you might like to visit 
• What kind of bird you would like to be

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Advice: Preparations

I've received many messages regarding Thanksgiving, and the stress that goes along with it. Well, Grandmother is here to help. Here are several things to consider when preparing for the big day.

• Check to make sure your guests have no dietary restrictions
• Purchase a large mat to put just inside your door for all your guests' shoes
• Give your guests a firm start time, so they're not surprising you by arriving early 
• Make a mix CD of songs that will keep you in good spirits
• Keep to a minimum all food and drink that could stain 
• Make sure you have plenty of napkins
• Remove any breakables from your dining room and living room
• Designate one room in the house as off-limits by closing the door (This will be a room you can sneak off to in moments of need)
• Stock your off-limits room with a special stash of alcohol or other relaxation aids
• Remind yourself that Thanksgiving will be over soon

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #4)

My holiday is starting to look brighter. Last night I had my fourth date with Glenn, and I'm pleased to say that a lot of progress has been made. We didn't go bowling, as we did the first two dates. And the date didn't start at noon, as last week's did. This was a fully proper Saturday night date, with an elegant dinner at a restaurant with wait staff and utensils and cloth napkins. Glenn even picked me up, after I told him that my car had a flat tire.

The night went really well, and I even learned Glenn's last name. While I was glancing at the bill to get a tally on how much money he was spending, he placed his credit card down on it, and I was able to make out his entire name. I also noticed that the card is valid well into next year. This is important, in case I want to extend this experiment to my birthday. Of course, that all depends on what Glenn buys me for Christmas. But progress has been made, as he spent a large enough sum on this date, close to the amount of the three previous dates combined. So I'm now back on course to achieving my Christmas goal.

If you haven't picked a man yet, you still have a chance to attain that great gift. To get all eight dates in, which is the amount I calculated as necessary for receiving a substantial Christmas gift, set up two dates each week.  If necessary, you could allow for one mid-week date.

Fanny Mail: An Update From Agnes

Hi, Kiddies! You'll recall that in August I received a message from Agnes Whitaker of Poughkeepsie, New York. She had a question about getting her new cat to wear her old cat's fur. Then in early October I heard from Agnes again, when she sought advice on getting her new cat to clean her old cat's fur as if it were its own. I told her she needed to have that fur professionally cleaned, and that with proper cat storage the fur shouldn't be in danger of getting filthy again.

This weekend, I received an update from Agnes on her cat situation. Agnes writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, thank you for your thoughtful advice. You were right. The cat did not start cleaning the fur itself, so I removed the coat. However, due to a prior problem with the neighborhood dry cleaner, I decided to do the cleaning job myself. And though the fur has now regained its original softness, the coat shrank a bit in the process. I did manage to fit the coat back onto the cat, but only after shaving the cat's own fur off, and still it was a tight squeeze. The cat has been whining, so I stopped feeding it, hoping it would lose a little weight and allow the coat to fit better. But now I'm wishing that I had put in the effort to find another dry cleaner to have the coat professionally cleaned, as you suggested."

Sweetie, I'm glad to hear that your original cat's fur once again has that softness that you so love. And if your current cat fails to lose the weight soon, you could obtain a smaller cat that will better fit the now-shrunken coat. Either way, I hope you're able to enjoy the fur this holiday season.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #3)

Christmas is coming, and this year I am determined to get a special gift. So I've decided to conduct a little holiday experiment and date the same man every weekend leading up to the big day. Men don’t feel obligated to invest enough money in a gift if they haven’t invested enough time in the relationship. So you have to start early. I've calculated that eight dates are necessary for the man to spend a significant enough sum on the gift.

Yesterday was my third date with Glenn, and it was definitely an improvement over the first two, as we didn't go bowling. So progress is certainly being made toward the goal of getting that special Christmas gift. This was more of a proper date: a movie and a meal. We got an early start. A bit earlier than I would have liked, actually. We met at the movie theater for a noon matinee. We got to the restaurant by two, and the whole thing was over by three. Though this date felt a bit rushed, I was still able to make some use of it by dropping in some important hints. During the movie I nudged Glenn whenever the female lead was shown with a beautiful piece of jewelry or a gorgeous fur.

Next week our date should begin at a more proper date time, no earlier than seven. Glenn told me he'd get back to me in a few days to let me know his schedule.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #2)

Christmas is coming. This year to make sure I get a really good gift, I’ve decided to date the same man for the eight weeks leading to Christmas. On Halloween Glenn and I had our first date, and it was to a bowling alley.

Last night we had our second date. And it was to the same bowling alley. Clearly, things were not progressing as they should, and I realized this might be a bit more work than I’d anticipated. It turns out that Friday is Glenn's normal bowling night. To make sure this experiment stays on course, I suggested we meet on Saturday next weekend.  After checking his calendar, he agreed.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you patronize karaoke bars, insist that they include the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song in their play list, and be sure to sing it at least once every hour.

Cindy's Art Projects: Halloween Offering

Estelle Steadman sent me an email yesterday, asking me what Cindy’s been up to. I realized it’s been a long time since we’ve heard from Cindy. So I went to her room to see what she might contribute, and I found this drawing on the floor by her bed.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane’s Holiday Experiment

Christmas will be here soon. The past few years I’ve been disappointed by the gifts I’ve received from men. This year I am determined to receive something substantial. To that end, I'm going to conduct a little experiment. I’ve decided to date the same man several times rather than many men once. I gave myself Halloween as a deadline to start this experiment, because that gives me eight weekends before Christmas, enough dates to make the man feel obligated to spend a significant amount of money on my gift.

I met Glenn at a bar on the 30th. He was seated by himself, and we soon struck up a conversation. He complimented me on the coat I was wearing, so I knew he was a man of good character. When I mentioned I had no plans for Halloween, he asked me to join him for the evening.

So last night we had our first date. He suggested we meet at his favorite bowling alley, which was located directly across the street from that bar. We bowled several games, and afterwards I mentioned that I was feeling hungry. Glenn said he was tired, and so we called it a night. It wasn’t an ideal date, as bowling isn't my favorite activity, but I will be seeing him again next Friday.