Grandmother Winsome's Advice For Filing Taxes

Kiddies, when completing your taxes, there are certain items you should not include on your list of business expenses, even if you did indeed purchase them for use in your business activities. These items include handcuffs, rope, plastic ties, large trash bags, machetes, security guard uniforms, ski masks, stun guns, false passports, binoculars, chloroform, burlap sacks, disposable mobile phones, latex gloves, extra license plates, temporary tattoos, shovels, concrete, large amounts of grass seed, fake mustaches, hair dye, crowbars, hacksaws, stethoscopes, lab coats and dynamite.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today Grandmother sent me to the Birch Street Nursing Home with only one sentence to learn in sign language. Mrs. Macmillan spent a good hour teaching me how to say, "The air duct isn't big enough." That left me with most of the day to play some poker with the other patients.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy uses several different names over the course of your date doesn't necessarily mean he has multiple personality disorder. He is probably just trying to figure out what name is most appealing to you, and will use that one from then on.

Fanny Mail: A Fan On The Bus

Kiddies, I just received an email from Amy Ling of Seattle, Washington. Amy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, this morning I accidentally got on the wrong bus and was late to a job interview. But I used the extra time on the bus to learn about Grandmother Winsome, just as the bus sign suggested. I am so glad I did. What great legal advice you offer! I even called my husband and told him to wait before putting anything else in the lake. You can now count me among your fans."

Welcome aboard, Sweetie!

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you drive a city bus, rather than showing the route number or destination on the sign in front, program it to say, "Follow Grandmother Winsome."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home Mrs. Macmillan continued my sign language lessons. So now I know how to say "The sedatives are wearing off," "The ropes are secure" and "The coast is clear" in sign language. I am sure tomorrow Grandmother will have me practicing these lines over and over.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Some evidence is better left out in the elements, for trash bags can actually help to preserve it. But you should take precautions. One thing you can do is attach some cat pelts to the evidence, so if any hikers come upon it, they will think it's just some dead animal and keep their distance. A second thing, if possible, is to leave the evidence close to a coyote den, or another spot where scavengers are known to dwell. Let those animals help speed up the process, Kiddies.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you want to make it to the roof, don't purchase a cheap grappling hook, Kiddies.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy gives you sugar-free chocolates on Valentines Day doesn't mean he is suggesting you are overweight. In his excitement to see you, he likely wasn't paying close attention in the store and picked up the wrong box.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy doesn't give you flowers on Valentine's Day doesn't mean he's not taking your relationship seriously. He is likely allergic to pollen and wants to avoid sneezing all over your fur coat.

Edward's Valentine's Day Promotion

Business has been fairly good for my traveling massage parlor so far this year, and I'm glad I got that extra massage table. However, for the first winter ever I have noticed other ice cream trucks on the road, so apparently I now have some competition. In order to increase business, I am running a special Valentine's Day promotion. Two children for the price of one. And to make it all the more special, I have dug out my Cupid costume, and will be wearing it all week. Tell the children in your neighborhood to be on the lookout for Cupid in the converted ice cream truck.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I continued my sign language lessons with Mrs. Macmillan. As Grandmother suggested, I asked her to teach me how to say "Careful, the scaffolding isn't sturdy," "Don't bump your head on the low crossbeam" and "My grappling hook is caught in the shag carpet."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Always keep a spare tire and jack in the getaway car, Kiddies.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy is wearing latex gloves when he picks you up for your date doesn't necessarily mean he's wanted by the police and worried about leaving finger prints. He may just want to keep his hands nice and clean for later on when he takes you back to his place.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a politician who is being dogged by news cameras for some misstep, rather than telling the journalists you have no comment and slinking away, boldly face those cameras and tell everyone to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Macmillan offered to teach me how to spell my name is sign language. I thanked her, but told her that will have to wait, because Grandmother gave me some important sentences she wanted me to learn. So now I know how to say "There is a second security camera" and "The police are coming" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy has a photo of another woman in his wallet doesn't necessarily mean he's romantically tied to her. She may be his sister or niece. Just let him pay for dinner and make no mention of it. Then when you get back to his place, if it's still bothering you, you can have a more thorough look through his wallet when he uses the bathroom.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Airlines have a bad habit of misplacing luggage, so to avoid having to go shopping right when you land, be sure to include the following items in your carry-on: a toothbrush, clean underwear, reading glasses, a map of the area, nail clippers, snacks, a flashlight, latex gloves, disinfectant wipes, a dark hat, a prepaid mobile phone, a small coil of rope, and face moisturizer.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you are going to cheat on your taxes by making up business expenses, be sure to make those expenses believable if you wish to avoid an audit. For example, if your hair generally looks terrible, don't claim to have spent tens of thousands of dollars on haircuts.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This week, Grandmother had me practicing the sentences I'd learned in sign language last Saturday. She had me do them over and over for her, until my arms were tired. Then she grabbed a pen and added a few more lines to that list of phrases she wants me to learn. So today Mrs. Macmillan taught me how to say "Keep an eye on the back door" and "I've deactivated the alarm" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy refuses to reveal his last name doesn't necessarily mean he can't be trusted. He may simply have an embarrassing last name like Butts or Longbottom, and wants you to get to know him better before he breaks the news.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

While it might seem a good idea to use prisoners from a work release program to engage in certain aspects of your business, keep in mind that some convicts are not as tight-lipped as you might expect.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

During the week, Grandmother pulled me aside and told me I should learn some more sign language from Mrs. Macmillan. She gave me a list of phrases to learn, and so today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Macmillan taught me how to say "Don't speak, the room might be bugged" and "Careful, the night watchman is awake" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy has several prescriptions in his medicine cabinet doesn't mean he's too sick to show you a good time. But if he has a few drinks at dinner, it might be a good idea for you to do the driving.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

When I purchased my new, larger ice cream truck back in July, I knew that the extra space in the back would come in handy during the winter when I convert the truck into the traveling massage parlor. Well, today I managed to fit a second massage table into the truck, so I will be able to service more children this winter than ever before. Kids can say goodbye to their aches and pains because I'm hitting the road tomorrow.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you are a pilot, you should wait until the co-pilot is up from his nap before focusing all your attention on my blog.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you decide to keep the getaway vehicle, hire someone to paint it a new color. That way, if the authorities release a description of the car, yours will no longer match it. As an additional precautionary measure, have the color changed a second time, at a different place, just in case the people at the first place hear about a reward and decide to provide information to the police.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Macmillan was waving her arms around in the activity room. At first, I was alarmed, thinking something was wrong with her. But Mrs. Kunkle assured me that everything was okay. Mrs. Macmillan was simply teaching Mrs. Kunkle some sign language. Once I was certain things were all right, I wrote on a piece of paper, asking Mrs. Macmillan to teach me a few words too. And now I know how to say "I have a royal flush" in sign language.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, just because water levels are currently on the rise, don't think it is now safe to hide bodies in your local reservoir or lake. These storms will die down, and those levels are certain to drop again before long.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy calls his mother fourteen times during the date doesn't necessarily mean his mother controls his life. He is likely so excited about his date with you that he wants to give her updates.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you're not particularly proud of the medical or law school you attended, hang a "With Honors" sash over the framed diploma so that it covers just the name of the school, leaving the word "University" in view.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today Mrs. Henley needed an emergency bathroom break during a hand of poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home. She was taking longer than usual, and the other patients got antsy, so I asked them what their New Year's resolutions are for this year. Mrs. Kunkle was the first to answer. She said that this year she is determined to make fewer rounds touching all the windows and light switches in the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Patterson then said this is the year that she will finally catch Mrs. Shimshack and have her arrested for stealing her few belongings. Mr. Tanaka started to say something, but Mrs. Patterson was not done talking about Mrs. Shimshack. Soon she worked herself into a state, and I knew it would do no good to remind her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for years. In fact, she didn't calm down until Mrs. Henley came back from the bathroom and the poker hand resumed. The others never got a chance to say what their resolutions are.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you live an area that has suffered recent flooding, and the authorities happen to find a skeleton on your property, remind them that it could have washed down from just about anywhere.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it has come to my attention that a certain kind of temporary tattoo lasts much longer than anyone might desire. Some of them can last more than fifteen months. So if you are placing temporary tattoos on your face and hands in order give witnesses something to remember, be sure to purchase only the cheap kind that will come off with a simple scrubbing. You don't want those tattoos to still be there for the police lineup or trial.

Edward's Post-Christmas Message

Don't put away that Santa Claus outfit just yet. Children need to see that Santa is watching them all year long to encourage their best behavior. Besides, that outfit will keep you warm while you're enjoying the evening outside their homes.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: New Year's Edition

The phone rang early this morning at Winsome Headquarters, but it woke only me and the maid. The maid got to it before I could, and told me it was the head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home, asking if I could work today. The nurse who usually works Sundays was feeling a little under the weather. I agreed to take the day at the higher holiday rate. When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, most of the patients were still asleep, and the ones who were awake seemed to be in a daze. Even Mrs. Lieberman made a couple of careless errors during the first few poker hands. She said that was sure some strong tequila I had brought there yesterday.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy didn't call you on New Year's Eve doesn't necessarily mean he forgot about you. He may have been hit by a bus on his way to the jewelry store and is now lying in a coma.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last night I found an extra bottle of tequila in Jane's room, and today I took it to the Birch Street Nursing Home to help the patients celebrate the coming New Year. It didn't take long before everyone was feeling festive. At Mrs. Henley's urging, Mr. Tanaka put a lamp shade on his head and did a little dance. But he soon stumbled into the poker table and fell onto the floor. He was a little embarrassed, but not hurt, and the good times continued all the way to 3 p.m., when the patients tuckered out and went to bed early. As I was heading out the door, I left a note for the head nurse, letting her know I would pick up a new lamp shade.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you're going to embellish your resume, be sure not to include anything that is easily disproved. Rather than risk including falsehoods, be deliberately vague about your employment history, education, certifications, awards, skills, hobbies, volunteer experience, references and address.

Fanny Mail: Wronged By The Help

Today I received an email from Dave Reynolds of San Francisco, California. Dave writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I recently moved into a much nicer apartment building, one that has a doorman. Wanting to establish a good relationship with the doorman so that he would be more willing to look the other way when certain guests and packages arrive, I decided to give him a fifty-dollar tip for Christmas. Well, the day after the holiday he quit, taking my money though he must have known then that it was his last day. He has an unusual name, which made it easy for me to track him down online. I'm confident I have his correct address. In the spirit of the holiday, I feel that he should still get something, but not fifty dollars. How much should I demand back from this unscrupulous doorman?"

Sweetie, I understand your frustration. But you probably want to let this one go. Even though you've been at the building for only a short time, it's possible he might have some incriminating evidence on you. Doormen have keen eyes, and though they may look the other way when residents receive suspicious packages or questionable guests, it is likely they are taking note. You don't want to risk raising his ire over fifty dollars. In the future, tip the doorman only twenty-five dollars at Christmas, and, if he's still around, another twenty-five in July.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

During these frigid winter days, there is little that homeless people wouldn't do for you in exchange for a warm bowl of broth and a couple of crackers. So keep a few shovels handy by your door.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy did not buy you a fabulous Christmas gift doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you. He is likely saving up to show you a fantastic time on New Year's Eve.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Christmas Edition

The head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home let the Sunday nurse have the holiday off, so I spent the day with the patients, playing poker and eating the cookies that were left over from yesterday. At one point, the patients began saying what they would have bought each other as gifts if they had any money and were able to leave the nursing home grounds. Mrs. Henley was happy to learn that she would have received four chocolate cakes and a cherry pie. In the late afternoon, I had the patients take down the Christmas decorations so that the head nurse will not be upset when she gets in tomorrow.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

 

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I supervised the hanging of the Christmas decorations. The poker club loved the new wreath made out of playing cards, and several of the patients commented that the ceramic dog statue looked just like Mr. Pearlman's seeing eye dog. Mrs. Henley wasn't feeling up to helping at first, saying she was a bit dizzy. But once I reminded her that there would be hot cocoa and Christmas cookies ready when the decorations were finished, she hustled up that step ladder to hang the star I'd made from construction paper. When we were done, everyone agreed the place had never looked so festive.

A Public Service Announcement From Grandmother Winsome

A fire chief in Ohio has asked me to make an important announcement, Kiddies. Baby boxes are often not heated, and any babies dropped off during this cold spell should be covered in a blanket or towel.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

In the excitement of making holiday preparations, don't forget to have all your prescriptions filled.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

If you are dropping an unwanted baby in one of those baby boxes this week, why not add the festive touch of wrapping the baby in tinsel and taping a bow to its head. It will certainly help cheer up those who have to work at the fire station through the holidays.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy doesn't give any spare change to those Santas ringing bells outside of department stores doesn't mean he's cheap. He is likely saving every penny to spend on a fabulous Christmas gift for you.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

When applying for a position as Santa Claus, be sure to read the job description carefully. Apparently, there are some places hiring Santas to work remotely. How frustrating it would be to land that coveted position only to discover that the cute children will be seated on your virtual lap rather than on your actual lap.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This week I bought some new Christmas decorations for the Birch Street Nursing Home to add to the two boxes that are there already. One thing I am very excited about is a holiday wreath made out of playing cards, which I am sure the poker club will love. I also found a ceramic statue of a dog wearing a Santa hat, and the dog looks a lot like Sniffles The Eighth. The decorations will have to wait in my basement laboratory until next Saturday. The head nurse made it clear in the past she doesn't like decorations going up too soon because it confuses the patients. But I know they will have a good time helping me decorate the activity room next Saturday morning. I plan on taking some hot cocoa for them to enjoy once the decorations are up.