Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lowe, Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Patterson were already seated at my poker table. Before I even sat down, they asked if we could play another session of blackjack, since they'd had so much fun on Saturday. I asked Mrs. Lieberman if that was okay, and she told me to go ahead. We had such a good time that we ended up playing blackjack all day.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

During the morning poker session today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I asked the players at my table if they were interested in playing a little blackjack. Mrs. Lieberman had been teaching me the game the last few days, and I felt I knew enough to give it a go. They were all keen on the idea, and Mrs. Lieberman gave me the okay to devote the afternoon session to blackjack. The players had such a good time that most were hesitant to even take bathroom breaks. The most exciting moment came when Mrs. Patterson had two kings and told me to hit her. The entire table gasped when I dealt her an ace.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

During the break between the morning and afternoon poker sessions today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman started to teach me blackjack. It's a fun game, and I love that aces count as either 11 or 1. Mrs. Lieberman says that if there is enough interest from the poker club members, we'll schedule some occasional blackjack sessions.

A Thought From Edward

Nothing pleases me more than a smiling child's face as he gets off the school bus. So let's end remote learning and get those children back in school.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, most documents require a date next to the signature, so if you are planning a forgery, be sure to practice not only that person's name, but also the way he writes his numbers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, a few of the patients were outside, getting some exercise. Mrs. Kunkle greeted me, and told me it was nice to get a little fresh air. She then assured me she would be in her usual seat in time for the first hand of poker. That first hand began a lucky streak for Mrs. Kunkle that lasted her the whole day.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, a light sprinkle is no reason to abandon your work. Finish burying the evidence and then go in and dry off.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

We finally got everything cleaned up at the Birch Street Nursing Home after Saturday's successful dance. The activity room is now back to being the center for the poker club. After several of the patients said how nice it was hearing music again, I decided to leave the radio there, tuned into the oldies station. And sometimes when a slow song comes on, Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Lowe will take a break from poker to have a dance.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was the day of the big dance at the Birch Street Nursing Home. While the patients were all upstairs getting ready, I got out the punch and cookies and set them up on the poker tables in the activity room. I had brought an old radio from Winsome Headquarters and tuned it in to the oldies station. Right before the dance began, Mrs. Henley told me she had just finally lost that second pound. Everyone got in a dance, even Hazel. Mr. Matthews and Mr. Oliveras carried her down the stairs and put her in a wheelchair, and we all took turns spinning her around. Mrs. Kunkle really cut loose on the dance floor, and only took breaks to refill Mr. Pearlman's punch glass whenever it was empty. Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Lowe danced to all the slow songs. Mrs. Lieberman was looking festive. She had decorated her eye patch with glitter. And you couldn't miss Mrs. Macmillan in her bright red lipstick and green eye shadow. But the biggest surprise of the night was Mrs. Patterson, doing the mashed potato.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The patients have made a lot of progress on the decorations for Saturday's dance at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The activity room was looking even more festive today than it did for the 4th of July celebration. Mrs. Henley told me proudly that she is already halfway to her goal of losing two pounds before the dance.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were already gathered in the activity room, discussing themes for Saturday's dance. After a little while, they voted on "An Enchanted Evening," and everyone got busy making decorations. Poker club was canceled today, because both tables were covered with felt, construction paper, magic markers and glue. The upcoming dance was the talk of the day. Mrs. Lowe pulled me aside to share which dress she had picked out to wear. Mrs. Henley said she wants to lose another two pounds before the dance, and Mrs. Macmillan said she was excited for a reason to wear her makeup again.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Between hands of poker today, Mrs. Lowe said it might be fun to hold a Birch Street Nursing Home dance. Mr. Oliveras quickly agreed that it would be a blast. Within moments, everyone at my table was excited about the idea. Soon the players at Mrs. Lieberman's table joined in, naming songs they'd like to hear again. When I left for the day, the patients were still in the activity room, planning their dance for next Saturday evening.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you don't have enough time to properly dispose of a large amount of evidence, simply leave that evidence in the path of a coming storm. A tornado or hurricane will take care of it for you, mixing it with other bodies and materials, maybe even twisting it beyond recognition. And don't worry, authorities don't have the resources to search through all the debris left by a powerful storm.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I took a break from dealing poker, and led the players at my table in a few games of charades. There was one scary moment when everyone thought Mrs. Henley was having a heart attack, but she had simply picked the card that said "putting on a seat belt."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman warned me about Mrs. Henley, who often drops her cards on the floor. Mrs. Lieberman told me that poker dealers have to make sure their players keep their cards in view at all times, either on the table or in their hands above the table. The next time Mrs. Henley dropped her cards, I gave her a friendly warning. She said that sometimes her fingers go numb, but she will do her best to hold onto her cards.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, everyone is forgetful at times. So if you see a family leaving, it is best to wait ten minutes before entering their home, just in case they return to grab something they've forgotten.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If work has been running you ragged and you need a mental health day, set your outgoing message to indicate that you will be away from the office, catching up on Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you are an eyewitness to a crime and have no choice but to take the stand against a potentially dangerous person, be sure to alter your appearance or wear a disguise when you appear in court. If you're a man, take the time leading up to the trial to grow a beard. If you're a woman, dye your hair or wear a wig, and spend some time in the tanning booth. Consider stuffing a pillow under your shirt to make yourself look heavier. Then when you approach the witness stand, be sure to walk with a limp, perhaps even using a cane. And remember, "I don't recall" is a perfectly valid response to any particularly damning questions.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

On Monday Mrs. Lieberman told me that poker dealers always count their cards at the end of the day to make sure the deck is full, and that no players walked away with an ace or two. Well, today when I was counting the cards, I found that I was one short. When I told Mrs. Lieberman that the 4 of Clubs was missing, she told me to check with each of the players that had been at my table. I asked them all to check their pockets, but none of them had the card. However, they all wanted to join in the search. After an hour without any luck, Mrs. Henley suggested just making a 4 of Clubs out of an index card. But right then Mrs. Lowe shouted out that she had found the missing card. It was in the box for one of the jigsaw puzzles which she and Mr. Oliveras had been putting together while the other players took bathroom breaks.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your activities require you to case someone's home, be aware that some of the work might have already been done for you. Check the address online from a computer at the public library. If the home has been up for sale in the past two decades, there will likely be photographs posted by the realtor that show each of the rooms and all points of entry. With that task out of the way, you can spend your time focusing on the schedules and sleep patterns of the occupants.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Help the environment! Catheters can be re-used as drinking straws.

Edward's "For Your Information"

During the pandemic, adults are choosing some surprising ways to communicate with each other. So be aware that chalk on the sidewalk out in front of a house is no longer a clear indication that a child lives there.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I had a great day dealing poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home. As Mrs. Lieberman had instructed, I kept an eye out to make sure none of the players at my table were peeking at each other's cards. After the last hand, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and told me she had been watching me and saw much improvement. She then told me that dealers must count the cards at the end of the day to make sure they're all there. She said it would be no good for one of the players to walk away with a couple of aces up her sleeve.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw there was a second poker table set up in the activity room, and I got excited. Sure enough, Mrs. Lieberman said that second table was mine to run. It wasn't long before Mr. Matthews sat down at my table and told me he was the newest member of the poker club. Soon Mrs. Patterson joined him and I dealt my first hand. At the end of the afternoon, Mrs. Lieberman said I did a good job, but told me I should keep an eye on my players to make sure they don't look at each other's cards.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Getting some dirt on your lawyer is a good way to encourage her to focus her time and energy on your case and forget about her other clients until you are declared innocent.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Grandmother was so excited when she heard I was going to be running a poker table at the Birch Street Nursing Home that she bought me my own deck of cards. She even showed me her special way of shuffling. I tried it out today while Mrs. Lieberman was on a bathroom break, but am going to have to work on it some more. Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan helped me pick up the cards before Mrs. Lieberman got back.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This has been a wonderful week at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The patients haven't stopped talking about Mrs. Lieberman's spectacular 4th of July fireworks display. And her poker club now includes nearly every single patient. In fact, the demand for a seat at the table is so high that she started teaching me how to deal so we will be able to have two tables going at the same time.

New Mexican Maid Update

Kiddies, we are in the midst of a highly contagious pandemic, which caused me in mid-March to suspend auditions for my new Mexican maid. However, not wanting Winsome Headquarters to slip into untidiness, I've held onto the current applicant since then, not letting her leave the premises. She doesn't have the necessary experience in cryonics, so I will not be choosing her as the permanent replacement. However, she has done an adequate job over all, especially considering that I'm not paying her. As soon as this pandemic is over, I will be accepting new applications for the position.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was a happy buzz at the Birch Street Nursing Home when I arrived there this morning. The patients were gathered in the activity room, talking about how much fun they had at their 4th of July celebration. Everyone wanted a seat at Mrs. Lieberman's poker table, not just to play cards, but to congratulate her on her spectacular fireworks display. By early afternoon, nearly all of the patients had played at least a couple of hands, and Mrs. Lieberman was all smiles.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

What a great day at the Birch Street Nursing Home! The patients really put together a fantastic 4th of July party. Mrs. Lowe and Mr. Oliveras organized several fun games for everyone in the activity room, and the patients enjoyed the cookies and punch I picked up at the store. But the real excitement came in the evening, when Mrs. Lieberman announced that her fireworks display was ready, and all the patients made their way outside. Mr. Matthews and Mr. Oliveras even carried Hazel down from her room so that she could enjoy the fireworks along with everyone else. Expectations were high, since Mrs. Lieberman had spent most of the day out back getting things ready, and even skipped the poker game. But what we saw really blew us away. Mrs. Lieberman put on a spectacular display that lit up the sky for nearly an hour. Even when it was over, no one was ready for bed, and it was Mrs. Patterson who suggested a game of bingo. Soon everyone was back in the activity room, playing bingo, and carrying on about how this was the best 4th of July ever.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while right now it might seem that this coronavirus pandemic will never end, rest assured that someday it will. So be cautious about making promises to visit someone once it's over.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a lot of energy in the activity room, as the 4th of July party committee members were busy making decorations and talking about games they could play at the party. Mr. Oliveras was in the center of the action, writing down everyone's ideas. The patients got so caught up in the excitement that they lost track of time, and today's poker game ended up starting more than an hour late.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

While we were playing poker today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Kunkle reminded everyone at the table that the 4th of July is this Saturday, and she suggested we have a party to celebrate. Mrs. Lowe and Mr. Oliveras immediately volunteered to help with the planning. Mrs. Lieberman looked up from her cards to say that she could get some fireworks for the party. It looks like we're going to have a great 4th of July this year at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Fanny Mail: A Coronavirus Question From California

Good news, Kiddies! I've brought in the bag of letters I'd left outside. As you recall, after the pandemic began, I took the precaution of storing all incoming mail in a large plastic bag out back. Since then, my fans followed my request to submit all Fanny Mail via email, and so I forgot about the bag. Well, today Cindy reminded me of it, and since any germs that might have been on the envelopes are certainly now long dead, I asked her to bring in the bag. The first letter I grabbed out of it is from John Martin of Huntington Beach, California. John writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just pulled off a job that had been in the planning stages for months. The next step was the plastic surgeon's office, to change my appearance. However, today the surgeon suddenly canceled my appointment, saying that because of the coronavirus pandemic, all elective surgeries were being postponed indefinitely. I tried to explain that there was nothing elective about it, that it was a matter of life and death, but I couldn't persuade him to change his mind and honor my scheduled appointment. And, Grandmother, it might be a matter of life and death, for there was one witness who could identify me. Of course, I am wearing a mask whenever I am in public, but I am nervous about being identified. What would you do in this situation?"

Well, John, I see that your letter is dated from March, and I assume that by now you've managed to convince a surgeon to perform the necessary procedure or you've taken care of the witness. If not, while it is true that most plastic surgeons are back open for business, I understand that there is a long waiting list because of all the people who, like you, had appointments canceled at the outbreak of the pandemic. One way to move your name up the waiting list is to offer to pay the surgeon in cash under the table. If this doesn't work, keep in mind that you are close to the Mexico border. The surgeons in that country are much more understanding regarding special circumstances like yours.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Matthews was waiting for me by the front desk. He told me he had something he wanted to show me in his room right away. When I followed him upstairs, I was surprised to see that the little plant I had dug up for him last month had blossomed. Mr. Matthews said the little yellow flowers really brightened up his room. Just then, Mrs. Lieberman popped her head in the doorway and told me the poker club was about to play its first hand of the day. I rushed downstairs to claim a seat at the table. Mrs. Macmillan had a straight flush in that very first hand, which ended up being the beginning of a hot streak that lasted into the afternoon.

Fanny Mail: A Coronavirus Question From Washington State

Kiddies, today I took a moment to clear out my junk email, and found that a Fanny Mail from March 13th had mistakenly ended up in that folder. It is from Mary Anne Foster of Kirkland, Washington. Mary Ann writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I welcomed my first child into the world on January 21st. She and I bonded immediately. But today I learned of a health warning due to the coronavirus, recommending that people stay at least six feet apart. I was wondering what advice you might have for feeding my baby while maintaining the recommended distance. I will hold off going into her room until I hear back from you because I don't want to take any chances. I hope all is well at Winsome Headquarters."

Well, Mary Anne, as long as you wear a mask and don't stay in the room too long, you should be safe. I have read that in many cases it is prolonged exposure that causes the danger. And remember, once you leave the room, you should wash your hands for at least twenty seconds.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday for Mrs. Chang's birthday I went to the Birch Street Cemetery to clear the trash from her grave, and was surprised to find for the first time there was no garbage on it. Since I had the extra time, I went over to the Birch Street Nursing Home to play a few hands of poker with Mrs. Lieberman and her club before heading home. Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Henley was standing proudly on her scale, which she had moved to the center of the activity room. Several of the other patients were huddled around her. When she saw me come in, she waved me over and told me she had lost another four pounds for a total of ten in the last month. I congratulated her and told her she was looking great.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, parenting is not for everyone. So if you're adding a baby to the family, don't go overboard on purchasing clothing, toys and a crib right away. And for the items you do buy, be sure to leave the tags on and save your receipts.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There is a lot of joy at the Birch Street Nursing Home these days. Most of the patients spend their time together in the activity room, playing games and doing jigsaw puzzles. If only Mrs. Chang were still alive, I'm sure she would enjoy it now. Tomorrow is her birthday, and I plan on stopping by the Birch Street Cemetery to clear the trash from her grave.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you are approached by the authorities, be sure not to blurt out your alibi too quickly. At least wait until they've finished asking their first question.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, be sure to exercise caution when using video conferencing programs. Remember that everyone on the call is able to see not only you, but whatever might be around you. So depending on where you are, it might be best to hang a fake backdrop behind you so that people can't see what you're up to.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Spirits are high at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Pearlman hasn't taken a tumble down the stairs in weeks, Mrs. Patterson hasn't mentioned Mrs. Shimshack coming to steal her stuff, and all the chairs at Mrs. Lieberman's poker games are filled. Meanwhile, the nurses continue to work from home. When I arrived today, I found that the head nurse had left me payment for the rest of the month.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was another enjoyable day at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I am starting to really get the hang of poker. After the last hand was played, I asked Mrs. Lieberman if she noticed how Mrs. Kunkle touched the table seven times whenever she was bluffing. Mrs. Lieberman smiled, and then told me not to mention that to anyone else in the poker club.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My traveling coronavirus testing site was a hit with the children, but now that the parks and playgrounds are beginning to open up again, it is time to transition it back to being a full-time ice cream truck. And with social distancing still somewhat in place, it is easier than ever to keep the children's parents away from the truck.

Revisiting Jane's Earlier Volunteer Work

Kiddies, I've been having a delightful time following Jane's volunteer work at the rehab clinic. And, as a new case of scotch arrived at Winsome Headquarters today, I thought it would be fun to read over her previous work as a volunteer at the women's center.

Here are a few of the highlights, in Jane's own words.

Saturday, July 4, 2015:
Tonight I went out to a fireworks display with some young women from my group. I’ve been volunteering my time at a women’s center, giving young women dating advice and tips on other social interactions. It actually feels quite good to truly be making a difference, molding the minds and lives of impressionable young women. And it was fun sharing a drink with them while we watched the fireworks.

Monday, August 17, 2015:
I took some of the girls from the women's center out to one of my favorite bars over the weekend. We had such a good time, and apparently two of them continued the festivities right through today, missing their afternoon meeting. The center called me to ask if I'd seen them, and I assured them they must have gone home with the young men who had been chatting them up. It feels good to have such a positive effect on these troubled women.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015:
As a special treat, I took some of the women from my group out to get their nails done. They had a lovely time. As we were leaving the salon, one of them said they all needed to get going to their self-defense class. But I convinced them that a class like that could ruin all the beautiful work that was done, and instead we all went out for a mid-afternoon martini.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015:
Yesterday I showed up at the women's center, ready to take the girls out for another fun night on the town. But when I got there, the head of the center told me she'd already made reservations for us at the local bowling alley. She must have made a hasty choice because the place lacked a bar. So I drove the girls across town to a bowling alley where there is a fun atmosphere, because I know these young women like to drink. We had such a good time, and I didn't think of Glenn even once the entire evening.

Sunday, November 1, 2015:
The Halloween party at the women's center was a total success. The girls outdid themselves, exceeding even my expectations in the amount of alcohol they contributed. The center hadn't budgeted for a band, so Edward made me a copy of his new Halloween mix tape, which everyone seemed to enjoy. And the girls sure were surprised when the men started showing up. I'd assumed they'd each invite a date, but early in the evening I saw that this wasn't the case. So I sneaked out for a moment to some of the neighborhood bars, and told the men there that we were having a party with plenty of free alcohol. That's when things really got swinging. The party was so successful that the head of the center told me the girls would no longer need my help. But I assured her there was still plenty I would do to improve the girls' lives.

Thursday, May 5, 2016:
Spring is in the air. So today I helped the girls at the women's center create online personal ads to find them some men for this weekend. I was surprised to learn that none of the girls had any appropriate photos of themselves, so I had them pose provocatively and snapped some shots with my phone. I was running out of time, so for the last couple of girls we just used their driver's license photos.

December 3, 2017:
For the holiday season, I've decided to do my part for the community and go back to my social work. The women's center was not as welcoming as I would have expected, so I will be running my own group, holding meetings at various bars in the area every Saturday night from now until Christmas. Of all the girls I used to help at the women's center, only two still attend, so I know my methods are successful. I caught those final two women before they went inside the center last night, and told them about my plan. Though wary at first, the two women soon took to my ideas and by their third drink promised me they would not only attend my meetings and avoid the women's center, but would recruit other women in need to join us.

Jane's Volunteer Work

This morning the head of the rehab clinic where I've been volunteering pulled me aside and expressed concern that the course I've been giving the female patients might not be appropriate. I assured her that this week's class would be my last and that its subject, "Looking To The Future," would be in line with the rehab clinic's goals, and she gave me the green light to go ahead with it.

I managed to wrap up this week's class in a single day, and covered all these topics:

• Moving in with a man in order to stay off the streets
• Keeping your options open by terminating unwanted pregnancies 
• Getting money by befriending rich, elderly people
• Maintaining a youthful outlook through plastic surgery
• Installing a cold storage vault in your home to protect your furs 
• Avoiding future troubles by choosing a fresh start at a new location where no one knows you

I had a new student in my class today, a young woman who had just admitted herself to the clinic this morning. She approached me after class and told me she remembered this course from the women's center a few years ago. When I expressed my surprise that she was at a rehab clinic that caters to the wealthy, she explained that since meeting me at the women's center, she had taken my advice and had landed herself a nice rich boyfriend. With all the excitement of her new life, some of her old habits had resurfaced, and he had given her an ultimatum: Dry out or move out. So she checked herself in. To celebrate the young woman's success, I shared one of the small travel bottles of gin that I had in my purse. And I wished her well.

On my way out, I told the head of the rehab clinic that my work there was done, but that I might pop in from time to time to lend a hand.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Kunkle became the newest member of Mrs. Lieberman's poker club. She enjoyed herself, and was laughing even when she had lousy cards. However, after only ten hands, she had to excuse herself from the table to make her usual rounds of touching every window and light switch in the building.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in IT, while setting up a computer for a new employee, be sure to bookmark the Grandmother's Fanny Game page. This kind gesture will prove to the employee that he or she made the right decision in accepting the job.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, while some of the patients were on a bathroom break between poker games, Mr. Matthews asked me to come up to his room to check on his plant. He said he was worried he wasn't giving it the right amount of water. When I got to his room, the plant seemed fine. I checked the dirt's moisture and told him to just keep doing what he has been doing. He assured me he would.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're trying to unload a getaway car at a used car dealership, accepting the salesman's first offer might arouse his suspicion. Be sure to haggle a bit first, even if the money doesn't matter to you. Though used car dealers are known for their shady practices, even they might hesitate if they believe the car to have been stolen or used in a crime.