Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your children are home due to school being canceled and they’re demanding your attention, send them out into the snow on a scavenger hunt. Just write a list of things you wish you had and give it to them. Who knows - they might surprise you.

Cindy's Quarterly Report

A year ago some members of the Winsome Family contributed New Year’s resolutions to my blog. And here we are, the year complete, and one member of the family has kept up with her resolution. Cindy resolved to do one thing each week to cheer up the elderly, and, one minor issue aside, she has done just that. Here, then, is Cindy’s final Quarterly Report.

Week 40: Cindy helped decorate the Birch Street Nursing Home for Halloween.

Week 41: She put on some of Mr. Matthews' dead wife's perfume to help him remember the good old days.

Week 42: She raked leaves from the entrance to the Birch Street Nursing Home. As per Mr. Matthews’ request, she also cleaned the leaves from his room.

Week 43: Cindy dressed as Mr. Matthews’ dead wife to help him celebrate their wedding anniversary.

Week 44: She wore her Halloween costume to the Birch Street Nursing Home. All of the patients loved her kitten costume, which I made for her from real cat scraps. One man loved it so much he pet her for hours.

Week 45: Absent

Week 46: Absent

Week 47: Absent

Week 48: Cindy tied pink ribbons to the park bench where the elderly sit. She also wiped the bench clean with her sleeve.

Week 49: She helped push an old woman's shopping cart at the local market.

Week 50: She helped a neighbor unload Christmas packages from her car.

Week 51: She lent an old woman her extra pair of mittens.

Week 52: Cindy cleared trash from Mrs. Chang's grave.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 52)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I cleared trash from Mrs. Chang's grave.

Fanny Mail: A Problem At Home

This morning I received an email from a young woman in Los Angeles who is having trouble communicating with her mother. She writes: “My mother often insults me, but I find it difficult to respond to her, because she takes on the pretend voice of our bird, Cheeky. So when I respond, I have to respond to Cheeky and not my mother. The problem is I’m not at all upset with Cheeky and have no wish to yell at her. I fear that raising my voice might alarm or even harm the poor old bird. Though there have been times when, I’m sad to admit, I’ve thought about killing Cheeky in order to force my mother to talk directly to me. After all, it seems Cheeky says some very hurtful things. And even afterwards, when my mother is calm, if I try to bring it up to her, she still insists it was the bird talking and not her.  She refuses to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation about the argument. Thus nothing is resolved, and I find the argument repeating fairly regularly. It reached a horrible new level on Christmas, with Cheeky using offensive language she’d never used before. The whole thing left me in tears, but did not affect my mother at all, as she maintains this is a problem between me and Cheeky. I’m just not sure I can take it anymore. What should I do?”

Well, Sweetie, I think your instincts might have been correct. Just kill the bird. That will force your mother to use her normal voice when insulting you. Then you can respond to her directly. And to keep her from replacing the bird, tell her that Cheeky escaped and will likely return at some point in the future.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Telling your girlfriend you know exactly how you'll react to the news of her death doesn't always have the comforting effect you'd expect.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It is dangerous to return to the scene of the crime, so commit your crimes at places you don't care to revisit.

Winsome Family History: December 21, 2008

Kiddies, it's time to look back at an important moment in Winsome Family history. It was exactly five years ago that the internet saw its first mention of Grandmother's Fanny Game. Some of you saw it back then. And for those who didn't, here is another chance to celebrate a Winsome Family milestone.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 51)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I lent an old woman my extra pair of mittens.

Jane’s Tips For Getting A Good Gift This Christmas

Some people claim that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. Those are people who get exactly what they want from their husbands or boyfriends. Sometimes it’s difficult to accomplish this, but if you follow these few important tips, you’ll have a better chance of having a very merry Christmas.

1. Always point out to the man you’re dating anything stylish that you would like to own, whether in a store, in a shop window, on television, or on another person. And it’s okay if you’ve already pointed out the item to him, as repetition will help him remember.
2. If your boyfriend comments favorably on something you dislike, be sure to point out to him how wrong he is, that the item isn’t at all fashionable. (Because he is obviously fishing for gift ideas, you can never be too strong in your statement.)
3. Make a point of complaining about how your last boyfriend always chose poorly when buying your presents. Because men are competitive, that will drive your current boyfriend to succeed where the previous one failed.
4. And if you do get something undesirable, remember, you can never tell someone a gift is unappreciated. That’s considered rude. But you can show it with body language. And that should help to ensure that person will make more of an effort in the future.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 50)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I helped a neighbor unload Christmas packages from her car.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Carrying a large purse will help maintain a distance between you and the person behind you in line at the bank.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Tell the parole board that you’ve now found Grandmother Winsome and so the State has no further worries.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Tell the judge handling your case that Grandmother Winsome has made you a better citizen.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you're arrested, waive your right to remain silent only long enough to tell the arresting officers to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 49)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I helped push an old woman's shopping cart at the local market. 

Edward's "For Your Information"

Remember, not all of your hobbies should be included on your resume.

Fanny Mail: A Night Light Question

Hi, Kiddies! Yesterday I received an email from a parent in Halifax, Nova Scotia, who writes: "Our baby can only get to sleep with a night light on. With all the recent power outages, she has gotten no sleep whatsoever. We tried a flashlight, but it was difficult to get the beam to cover a wide enough area, and the batteries tended to die too quickly anyway. What should we do?"

Sweetie, do as you do whenever there is a power outage. Light a candle. Then place it right next to the outlet, where the baby has come to expect the light to be. Candles are also a source of heat, so you might be able to save a little money by turning down the thermostat in your baby's room even when there's not a power outage, at least during these cold winter months.

 

Happy World AIDS Day

Hi, Kiddies! It's been brought to my attention that today is World AIDS Day. So I thought it appropriate to revisit one of the early episodes of my wonderful program, in which I answered a letter from a fan on that very subject. Enjoy!

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When working for a suicide prevention hotline, just remind those prospective suicides that if they kill themselves, they'll miss the next Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update. That should do the trick.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 48)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I tied pink ribbons to the park bench where they sit. I also wiped the bench clean with my sleeve.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a ventriloquist, kindly ask your dummy to tell his audience about Grandmother’s Fanny Game.

Winsome Family Thanksgiving Message, 2013

Hi, Kiddies! Last year, we here at Winsome Headquarters shared a little of what we were thankful for. And this year there is so much to be thankful for, that I thought I’d share with you again a little of the Winsome Family celebration. Like many families on Thanksgiving, we gather around the table for a big meal, and each person has a chance to contribute what he or she is thankful for. Here is what a few members of the Winsome Family had to say this year:

Jane is thankful for Caller ID on her phone.

Edward is thankful for statutes of limitations.

Milton is thankful for strawberry ice cream.

Cindy is thankful for the light that sneaks in through the crack at the bottom of the door.

And I am thankful for all the people who have been spreading the word about Grandmother’s Fanny Game. Keep those letters and emails coming, Kiddies!

The Search Is Over

Kiddies, I have some wonderful news. Cindy is back! Thank you all for your help in the search. So many of you sent kind messages of hope. Many others hung posters in your neighborhoods and sent in photos. All of your efforts are very much appreciated.

I haven’t yet got the story from Cindy. She says she doesn’t quite remember what happened. But I’m sure it will come out in time. And don’t worry – Cindy has offered to do two things this week to cheer up the elderly to make up for lost time.

Searching For Cindy

Kiddies, the search for Cindy has gone international! A fan in Hong Kong was kind enough to send me this photo. Certainly with this type of world-wide attention, Cindy will be found soon.

Searching For Cindy

Today I received a message from Ruth Washington of Oakland, California. She tells me that although she doesn't leave her home for fear of being mugged, she wanted to help in the search. So she hung the poster in her window, and sent me this photo.

Searching For Cindy

Estelle Steadman is really the one responsible for starting the search for Cindy. She also posted this photo for all of her Facebook friends. Estelle has been such a strong supporter that I wanted to share this photo with all the readers of my blog.

Searching For Cindy

Thank you so much, Kiddies, for your tireless support in the search to find Cindy. Photos continue to pour in from fans who have hung the Cindy poster in their neighborhoods. This photo was taken at the Amelia M. Earhart Library.