Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you find your maid with a free moment, have her don a pair of plastic gloves and crack pistachios for your mid-afternoon snack.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, if you run a hotel or resort, give a Grandmother Winsome discount to all fans of Grandmother's Fanny Game for the month of October in celebration of my birthday. You'll be spreading the word and will likely be lighting that "No Vacancy" sign every night.

Fanny Mail: A Touching Message From San Jose

Kiddies, I just received an email from Alan Chun of San Jose, California. Alan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife and I think it's never too early for someone to start developing the skills he or she will need for a career as an adult. And so we introduced our seven-year-old daughter to online chat rooms as a way to improve her typing. My wife and I would love to dedicate more time to perfecting our daughter's future, but we are both very busy people. Fortunately, a generous, charitable man on the site named MisterFister4 has taken her under his wing. Now we no longer have to monitor her computer sessions to make sure she's not making mistakes. And earlier today our daughter said that MisterFister4 told her he'd be able to help her even more in person. What luck! I just wanted to share this story, because it's important to take note that even in these crazy, hate-filled times, there are kind people who will step in to offer their help."

Wonderful, Alan! Thank you for your message. This is a handy reminder to us all.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw that the head nurse had left a note for me at the top of my list of chores. It read, "Even though the property buyer said no, we know it's not your fault. Keep up the good work."

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My ice cream truck has been parked outside my new favorite grammar school for several days. Yesterday after school, I took one of the third grade teachers on a date at a very public place. Now my continuing presence at this grammar school will not be questioned.

Edward's "For Your Information"

It's not a bad idea to be seen with someone your own age from time to time.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you write questions for the SAT, consider adding the following:

Who is the tallest female Winsome Family member in history?

A) Grandmother Winsome

B) Jacqueline

C) Cindy

D) Jane

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

In the past week or so I have visited many different grammar schools in my ice cream truck. Today I found a school that I really like, where the children are cute and hungry for my treats, so I plan on staying here for several more days.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you can't afford to hire one of the best lawyers, then consider hiring one of the worst. A completely incompetent lawyer is good grounds for an appeal.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you work as a football referee, wait until halftime. If you don't want to wait that long, simply make a bad call that a coach will certainly challenge. While the other referees are reviewing the play, you will have the time you need.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I noticed several paintings leaning against the front desk. There were cans of paint and other items stacked on top of the desk. When I read my list of chores, I realized all these things were there for me to use. The list was different from usual, and included hanging the paintings over the holes in the walls, tucking away the exposed wiring, painting over all areas with visible water damage, placing air fresheners throughout the building, waxing the floors in the hallways, and fixing the railing at the base of the stairs. The head nurse left a note at the top of my list, saying that the place had to look perfect because a potential buyer will be coming Monday morning.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If a particular family member has surprised you by surviving to see another birthday, ease the pain by spending that day updating his or her obituary.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you own a bar, whenever you're not showing an important game on the television, show your favorite episodes of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Kansas

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Bradley Weaver of Hays, Kansas. Bradley writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was teased throughout my childhood because of my buck teeth. My parents always told me that my teeth were the first things to grow and the rest of my body would catch up soon. They said I'd look fine as an adult. But things just didn't turn out that way. Now I'm considering my first attempt at having a child of my own. Do you have any advice on how to make sure my child's teeth will be of normal size? I would hate for him to face the ridicule that I did."

Sweetie, find a woman with no teeth at all. That should even things out.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I had a good time last spring visiting all those grammar schools, and now that school is back in session, I have decided to take the ice cream truck on one last adventure before the weather turns cold. So, children, don't worry if you didn't see me in the spring. There's a chance you will see me this month. Print out this permission slip and, when you see me outside your classroom, show it to your teacher, and join me for a nice treat in the back of my truck.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Visiting children in the hospital is actually considered to be a good deed, so you don't need to sneak around.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you work as a yoga instructor, wait until you put your class into corpse pose before looking at your phone.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Hazel's sores must be completely healed because I noticed she was back to her usual spot in her favorite chair by the window. After checking in on her, I went back downstairs to read my list of chores, which this week included mowing the lawn. The grass was pretty tall, and I was able to mow a smiley face beneath Hazel's window so she'll have something cheerful to look at.

A Tip For Runners

Kiddies, if you are running a marathon, motivate yourself to finish quicker by repeatedly telling yourself there might be a new post to read on the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, help spread the word while also making a splash in the world of interior design. Instead of using wallpaper, print out Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts and glue them to your walls.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're having a bad hair day, as soon as you get in your date's car, ask him if he saw the tornado that just went through.

Winsome Family History: August 28, 1973

It was forty-five years ago today that a routine trip to the dump to get rid of evidence resulted in the discovery of a box of government documents that should have been shredded. We made good use of the information contained in them for the next decade. 

Grandmother Winsome Does Her Part

Kiddies, I am doing my part for charity and education. I just donated the unused portions of cats to the local grammar school for use in science classes.

Fanny Mail: A Warning From South Dakota

Kiddies, I just received an email from Rick Wayne Olson of Kadoka, South Dakota. Rick writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I want to share with you something horrible that happened recently. My wife had a meeting with one of her women’s groups and took the car, so I was left to tend to our baby. She was gone longer than expected, and I needed to get to my lucky store in order to play my lottery numbers before the drawing. I spent a good fifteen minutes trying to rig our extra car seat to stay on the back of my motorcycle, but it just wouldn't work. So I put the baby in a plastic bag and tied the bag to the seat. Unfortunately, along the way the bag touched the tailpipe and melted. My baby slipped out somewhere west of Cactus Flat on Interstate 90. Just wanted to warn your fans to protect their babies. If you have to take a baby on a motorcycle ride, keep it in a leather knapsack."

Sweetie, I am sure my fans will appreciate this important warning. And perhaps one day soon we will be able to purchase lottery tickets online, an option we have already when buying almost anything else.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I checked in on Hazel, and was happy to note that her sores had healed somewhat. I poured the rest of the bleach and the head nurse's saline solution on her back, then performed my normal duties. At the end of the day, I checked in on her again, and saw even more improvement. Another successful experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home!

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your baby keeps getting out of its crib, replace its blanket with a heavy lead blanket of the type used during X-rays. That extra weight should keep the little tyke in place.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a trucker, get on your CB radio and read the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts. If people are chatting on the channel, cut in with "Breaker, breaker!"

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you are a soldier, wait until there is a pause in the incoming shellfire.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a physician, and you deem your patient to be in good health, tell him or her, "You're as healthy as Grandmother Winsome."

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, I have decided to release some more information gathered from the 2017 Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. Of the 221 respondents:

• 145 reported knowing their neighbors' work schedules
• 92 belong to a gym
• 44 have used at least one of my discarded aliases
• 16 reported seeing a ghost
• 2 have tampered with Halloween candy

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you're the lead negotiator in a tense hostage situation, offer to read the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post in exchange for a hostage.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I began experimenting on Hazel. Since meeting her five years ago, I had never seen her out of her chair, and had never heard her speak a word. I decided to help her up, thinking a nice walk would do her some good. However, when I did, I noticed horrible, wet sores all over her back. This is when I knew she should be my next test subject. I had her lie on her stomach on the bed while I collected all the different chemicals I could find from the bathrooms and basement. After my success with bringing back Mrs. Patterson's memory, I was confident I would find the right combination of chemicals to heal Hazel's sores. I am no longer worried about her voice, for when I poured the first chemical on her, she said, "Ow." The last combination I tried was household bleach mixed with some saline solution the head nurse keeps for her contact lenses. I told Hazel to remain on her stomach so the chemicals won't spill off her, and promised I would check in on her next week while doing my chores.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a yoga instructor, remind your students at the beginning of each class that yoga is recommended by Grandmother Winsome to help condition the body to get into those tight hiding spaces.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If a couple you're friendly with gets engaged, pick a fight with one or both of them, so you won't have to attend the wedding.

Fanny Mail: A Cat Owner's Question

Kiddies, I don't often get messages from people who keep cats as pets rather than as test subjects. But today I received this email from Mary Sue Myers of Traphill, North Carolina. Mary Sue writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the two most important people in my life are my boyfriend Roger and Mr. Piddles, my cat. The problem is that Roger believes he is deathly allergic to cats, and won't have anything to do with Mr. Piddles. I heard that if a poison is slowly introduced into someone's system, he or she can build up a tolerance. So I've been secretly feeding my boyfriend some of Mr. Piddles' fur, putting it in the food that I cook for him. I think by now his allergy must be under control, but Roger still won't pet Mr. Piddles. What can I do to convince him that he's no longer allergic to cats?"

Well, Mary Sue, you probably don't want to reveal to him what you've been doing. There is a good chance that could upset him. And as far as convincing him that he's no longer allergic to cats, you shouldn't press the issue. Let him discover his lack of allergy on his own. Meanwhile, you might impress your boyfriend by taking extra steps to ensure he won't have to touch your cat. Follow my instructional video titled "Cat Storage" and Roger will likely stick around much longer, Sweetie.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're a police officer working on a high-profile kidnapping case, wait until you've finished tracing the call.

Fanny Mail: A Word From Traphill

Kiddies, I just received a really sweet email from Judy Anderson of Traphill, North Carolina. Judy writes: "Grandmother, whenever anyone comes up to me with a personal problem, I say: 'Don't even tell me. Just contact Grandmother Winsome. She will help.'"

Judy, thank you so much for your delightful message. I look forward to helping the good people of Traphill.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a priest officiating a wedding, after asking the guests if they know of any reason why the couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, say, "While you're thinking about it, I will treat you to a couple of my favorite Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Grandmother is pleased that I've started my own laboratory in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home, and last night she gave me some tools she said I would need for my experiments. Today I brought those supplies with me and took them down to the basement before starting my chores. My laboratory looks more professional now that I have a scalpel, scissors, rope, and rubber gloves spread out on the table, items Grandmother referred to as "laboratory basics."

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When playing charades, always have your first guess be "Grandmother Winsome."

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

One way to get a man interested is to offer to buy him a drink at a bar. Even in this day and age, most women don't do this, so you may catch him by surprise. He'll likely end up spending the rest of the night buying you drinks as he tries to discover your hidden depths. In fact, there's a chance he won't even let you buy that first drink and will insist that the drinks are on him.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Volunteering at your local flower shop will help you get the scoop on who in town is suffering from an illness, because the flowers or balloons they're receiving will have "Get well" notes attached. These are people that are worth getting to know, because, if their illnesses are serious enough, they are probably finalizing their wills, and you might have time to get your name in there.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Marriage

Today I received an email from Howard. Howard writes, "How soon after my wife goes missing can I legally remarry?"

Well, Howard, the authorities will have to determine that your wife is presumed dead. If they're dragging their feet, leave some evidence that will lead them to that conclusion. And good luck in your new marriage!

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When accepting a job, always stipulate that you will be paid in cash. And under no circumstances should you take as payment wooden nickels, "I Owe You" notes or cryptocurrency.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was the last of my four days in a row working at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The nurses come back from their vacation tomorrow. It was an exciting day for me. Though Mrs. Patterson did complain about an upset stomach, she did not shout about Mrs. Shimshack stealing from her. So my concoction worked! I decided to make another batch to leave in the basement laboratory in case other patients become forgetful.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I set up a laboratory in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home. While I was thinking about what my first great experiment could be, Mrs. Patterson began yelling about Mrs. Shimshack again. And that's how I got the idea to experiment on Mrs. Patterson. In school we had learned that elephants have excellent memories. I got on the computer at the front desk to research what foods elephants eat. Fortunately, they are all items I could find right there at the Birch Street Nursing Home, either in the kitchen or on the grounds outside – fruit, grass, small plants, tree bark and twigs. I broke the twigs and tree bark into small pieces, and combined all the ingredients in a bowl, but when I was done the concoction didn't look very appetizing. So I mixed it all in some oatmeal before serving it to Mrs. Patterson. It won't be long now before she remembers that Mrs. Shimshack is dead.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I decided to clean the basement so I can turn it into a laboratory. In order to also get my chores done, I enlisted the help of some of the more mobile patients. I attached sponges and rags to the bottom of their walkers, and I got Mrs. Diaz to make tacos for everyone for lunch.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I began the first of four days in a row at the Birch Street Nursing Home, while the nurses are on vacation. The head nurse left four lists of chores for me, one for each day. Today's list had a special task for me to complete. The nursing home's Certificate of Compliance had expired, so I printed up a new one on the computer and replaced the out-of-date one on the wall behind the front desk.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're a baseball player, wait until you've rounded all the bases.