Grandmother Winsome's Friday Message

Remember, Kiddies, don't park your bodies in front of a fire hydrant.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Call your local radio station and request the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song.

Spread The Word

When deprogramming cult members, tell them the transition will be made easier by turning to Grandmother Winsome for advice on all things.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 36)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I told the new occupant of Mrs. Chang's room that she could keep Mrs. Chang's cushion.

Edward's "For Your Information"

In neighborhoods throughout the nation there are road signs that warn of the presence of children. Some say "Watch Children." Some say "Slow Children." And some say "Children At Play." However, I have learned through experience, and much wasted time, that in many of those neighborhoods there are no longer any children present. Someone needs to take down these misleading signs. 

Rest In Peace, Mrs. Chang

Hi, Kiddies! As you know, one of Cindy's little friends died recently. In commemoration, Cindy asked me to help her recount the life of Mrs. Chang.

Mrs. Chang moved to the Birch Street Nursing Home in March this year. Her family had forgotten to pack her pillow, so Cindy took her an old one from the attic of Winsome Headquarters. In May, Cindy visited her on Mother's Day. Then in June, Cindy visited her on her birthday. Such a festive one, that Mrs. Chang. More recently, the pillow Cindy gave her was stolen. But Cindy was able to find her a cushion to replace it. Mrs. Chang then took Cindy on a shopping excursion for a coffin and a cemetery plot. And not a moment too soon, either, for this past week, while Cindy was visiting the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Chang suddenly died. Mrs. Chang's hobbies included napping, looking out her window, and talking about her own death. Mrs. Chang is survived by her entire family, who could not be reached for they are currently on another white water rafting trip.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! State clearly in your will that the latest Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog update should be read at your funeral. Make sure you designate someone with a good strong speaking voice to do the delivery.

A Sunday With Cindy

Cindy has done so much to cheer up the elderly, that today I decided she needed a little cheering up herself. I took her on a fishing trip, just the two of us. She seemed pleased that the earthworms from Mrs. Chang's grave yielded us such a nice catch.

Grandmother Winsome’s Tips For Better Living

A fresh grave is a great place to find earthworms for your next day's fishing trip.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 35)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I wiped the lipstick off of Mrs. Chang’s teeth before they carted away her body.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you go to confession, be sure to tell the priest how much you love Grandmother’s Fanny Game.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 34)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I promised some of the female patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home that I would keep a late-night vigil outside their windows until the Birch Street Nursing Home thief is caught.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in a computer store, be sure to have all of your display models set to the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog page.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Occasionally attending the neighborhood church will make you seem less suspicious. Also, many churches hold classes for young children, and you can volunteer to lead them without having any teaching credentials whatsoever.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 33)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I walked with Mrs. Chang next door to the Birch Street Funeral Home and helped her pick out a coffin. After that, there was still some time before her afternoon nap, so we walked across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery, where I helped her pick out a plot. When we got back to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I pointed out that she can see her cemetery plot from her window. This seemed to cheer her up, as she said her next move won't be as difficult as her last.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Girls, there's nothing wrong with keeping your wedding ring on even after your marriage is over. Men enjoy being pursued by women wearing wedding bands. Just remember, you don't have to disclose what happened to your last husband.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you're abducted by aliens, be sure to tell them to enjoy the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog once they've finished their delightful probing.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Funerals

Hi, Kiddies! This weekend I received an email from Mrs. Lillian Primscott of Birmingham, England. She writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I'm sad to report that our son has died. My husband and I are busy making all the necessary arrangements which accompany such a tragedy, and we see that the expenses are quickly getting out of hand. My husband mentioned that since our dog loves burying bones and was fond of our child, perhaps we could just forgo the whole funeral and cemetery plot and let the dog do the work. Besides, we've been saving money for a trip to Hawaii, and a funeral would force us to put off our plans for another year. We'd prefer not use our vacation fund for something as unenjoyable as a funeral. My only real concern is our family and loved ones. They expect a ceremony. What should we do?"

Well, Lillian, I think letting the dog do the work is a marvelous idea. Why spend all that money on an expensive coffin when you're only going to see it for an hour or so before it's buried? As for your family and friends, you can still have a funeral. Just simply have it at your home. Set the body up on some crates or a card table, and let folks pay their respects. Then those who wish to stay longer can make the trip to the back yard to watch the dog do its job. You may wish to set up some chairs outside, because depending on the size of the dog and the temperature of the day, the burial may take quite a while. However, regardless of how long it takes, your vacation fund will remain intact. And after spending a day with all your relatives, getting away will be even more gratifying. You're going to love Hawaii.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, it's much more difficult to plead not guilty to murder if you've taken a photo of the corpse and posted it on a popular website.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 32)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I found a cushion for Mrs. Chang to replace the pillow I'd given her earlier, which was stolen by the Birch Street Nursing Home thief.

Grandmother Winsome’s Tips For Better Living

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've been caught disposing of a body, tell the judge that to save the court's time, you're willing to plead guilty to the lesser charge of littering.

Exciting News

Hi, Kiddies! So many of my fans write to me seeking legal help. Due to this popular demand, I will be starting a new column right here on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. The first installment of Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice will be posted tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When reading someone his last rites, also read him the latest Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog entry.

Spread The Word

When defusing a bomb in a public place, take a moment to pretend you're unsure how to proceed and shout, "Somebody contact Grandmother Winsome!"

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 31)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I showed them my collection of old coins, some of which are from the 1980s.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Babysitters can be easily and cheaply bribed.