Fanny Mail: A Question From A Growing Family

Kiddies, late last week I received a letter from Denise Danley of Claysville, Pennsylvania. Denise writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what are the best ways to stunt a child's growth? My husband and I keep experiencing the miracle of birth, and we just don't have a lot of space anymore. We think we might be able to fit a couple more cribs in the children's room, but certainly not any full-sized beds."

Well, Denise, a couple of years ago I conducted an experiment on kittens with the aim of preventing them from becoming cats. Before abandoning that experiment, I had some success by depriving them of natural sunlight. So I suggest painting the children's room black and bricking up any windows to that room. Be sure to limit their food intake, and prevent unnecessary movement and exercise. You might also try sleep deprivation and keeping them in tight clothing to discourage any growth.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 15)

This week to help out the elderly, I looked after Mr. Matthews for several hours. Just as I was arriving at the Birch Street Nursing Home, he took a bad spill, and as a result needed some assistance getting to the bathroom. He said he felt weak and didn't want to be left alone, nervous he might slip off the toilet and further injure himself. This was a time when I really could have used Allie's help, but she has stayed away the entire summer. I should be finished with my community service now anyway, since school starts up again next week.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Make sure your architect draws up an official set of blueprints that do not include the secret passageways or the second level of your basement.

Jane's Social Work

I took some of the girls from the women's center out to one of my favorite bars over the weekend. We had such a good time, and apparently two of them continued the festivities right through today, missing their afternoon meeting. The center called me to ask if I'd seen them, and I assured them they must have gone home with the young men who had been chatting them up. It feels good to have such a positive effect on these troubled women.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 14)

This week to help out the elderly, I assisted Mr. Matthews in exercising his stiff muscles. He had been complaining to the nurses of aches and pains, so they sent me to his room to see what I could do. After a couple of hours, he told me he was feeling much better.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

This week I stocked up on other little sweets in addition to ice cream. Just because a child suffers from lactose intolerance doesn't necessarily mean he isn't deserving of a nice treat. So now I have a variety of other frozen delights and candies. Be sure to tell your friends.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 13)

This week to help out the elderly, I led Mr. Pearlman outside for some fresh air. Sniffles, his seeing eye dog, died several months ago, and he hadn’t been able to leave his room since then. The harness was less comfortable this time, because I have grown a bit in the past two years.

Susan Kitchen

Kiddies, this week we lost a dear friend. Susan Kitchen has played such a vital role in Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute, answering letters and delivering important tips with wit and charm. It has been a delight collaborating with her. We here are Winsome Headquarters are truly going to miss her spirit.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 12)

This week to help out the elderly, I changed the bed pans of the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home while the nurses finished their game of gin rummy.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Maintaining flowers on the graves of your loved ones will help to eliminate any lingering suspicions people might have that you were involved in their deaths.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Most people are too busy these days to visit cemeteries. So periodically have your maid place flowers on the graves of your loved ones on her way home. Be sure to remind her to also remove the old flowers or any leaves that might have accumulated there.

Fanny Mail: Responses To The Grandmother Winsome II News

Kiddies, I was delighted to get so many responses regarding the capsizing of The Grandmother Winsome II, which I reported on July 13th. Here are two of the messages I received, the second arriving just this morning.

Jake Moller, of Port Charlotte, Florida writes: "Grandmother, I was sad to read the news about The Grandmother Winsome II. I just want to let you know that The Grandmother Winsome III is in tip-top shape and will be seaworthy for years to come."

Ernest Hanson, of Fort Myers, writes: "Grandmother, as sorry as I was to hear about the recent demise of The Grandmother Winsome II, I was pleased that the name was now free for me to use. The new Grandmother Winsome II begins its maiden voyage tomorrow."

Cindy's Community Service (Week 11)

This week to help out the elderly, I distributed medication to the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The nurse had me check in their mouths to make sure they swallowed all their pills.

Important News

Kiddies, I just read of an incident where an employee was secretly filming actresses in bathrooms. I'm pleased to report that no Grandmother's Fanny Game fans were identified on any of this man's cameras, because they've all read my important tip from June 28, 2012. For anyone who is new to my blog and concerned about privacy, simply click on this link: Before Going Out...

Cindy's Community Service (Week 10)

This week to help out the elderly, I cleaned out Mrs. Beaumont's room. She certainly had a lot of stuff, and it took me two days to box it all up. Mr. Matthews stopped by and offered to help me move the heavier items. He said that Mrs. Beaumont had told him he could have her television, and so we moved that to his room.

The Grandmother Winsome II Update

I have some sad news, Kiddies. The Grandmother Winsome II has capsized. There were no survivors. The good news is that name is now up for grabs again in the Fort Myers area.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

This weekend at the beach, I educated some young children on the importance of sunscreen, and showed them how to apply it evenly over all exposed skin. After all, no one looks good with a sunburn.

Jane's Social Work

Volunteering at the women's center has made me feel even better about myself. These young, troubled women really look up to me. I have a lot of ideas on how to improve their lives.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 9)

This week to help out the elderly, I cleaned Mrs. Beaumont’s dentures.

Celebrating Independence Day

Tonight I went out to a fireworks display with some young women from my group. I’ve been volunteering my time at a women’s center, giving young women dating advice and tips on other social interactions. It actually feels quite good to truly be making a difference, molding the minds and lives of impressionable young women. And it was fun sharing a drink with them while we watched the fireworks.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

What a great day. My ice cream truck has never been busier. There was an increased police presence at the lake where I set up shop, but after giving both of the officers a chocolate cone, I was left alone to do my work. In fact, I think they actually sent some customers my way.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 8)

This week to help out the elderly, I'm keeping an eye on the Birch Street Nursing Home while the nurses are in town getting a pizza. One of the patients was shouting from her room upstairs a while ago, but I didn't want to leave my post here in the lobby. The shouting suddenly stopped anyway, so I've got everything under control now. And I'm sure the nurses will be back soon.

Ahoy There, Kiddies!

I just received this email, Kiddies, and I am delighted to share it with you. Lorraine B. of Fort Myers, Florida writes: "Greetings from the deck of The Grandmother Winsome II. I can’t say exactly where we’re going, but just wanted to say hello."

Cindy's Community Service (Week 7)

This week to help out the elderly, I cleaned the Birch Street Nursing Home's wheelchair-accessible van. I had a hard time reaching the top of it with the sponge, but that ended up being more fun than cleaning the inside. It was really hot in there, and the vacuum cleaner only added to the heat. But afterward a nurse offered me a glass of tomato juice that one of the patients didn't want.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I drove the ice cream truck out to a few nearby playgrounds this week. Business was steady, and there was some indication of what will be the most popular flavors this summer. So I'm going to stock up on those flavors, with an eye on the fourth of July weekend. I also plan to purchase a string of red, white and blue lights for the truck, and some sparklers to give to the most deserving children. I'm already excited thinking about next weekend. 

Cindy's Community Service (Week 6)

This week to help out the elderly, I took the mid-day meals to the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home, leaving the trays just outside their doors. It took me quite a while because I could only carry one tray at a time. I really could have used Allie’s help. But so far she hasn’t shown up to assist me. I think it’s unfair since it was Allie who painted the hamster in the first place.

An Important Announcement From Edward

The traveling massage parlor made this past winter enjoyable, and surprisingly profitable. So when the warm weather arrived, I had an important decision to make: whether to keep the truck as a traveling massage parlor or to return the vehicle to its former glory as an ice cream truck, as I'd originally planned. In the end, I decided on the latter, and this week I took the ice cream truck out for its first run of the new season. This year I remembered to stock up on ice cream before heading out.

Kids, if your parents give you money to go to the movies this summer, take that money and come visit me at my ice cream truck instead. Ice cream costs only a fraction of what a movie costs these days, so you'll come out ahead, and we'll all have a fun time. I hope to see as many of you as possible this summer.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Whenever you acquire a new housekeeper, first test her out on the children. If she does well with them, then and only then should you let her handle your valuable dishes.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 5)

This week to help out the elderly, I assisted with the maintenance at the Birch Street Nursing Home. First I tightened all the bolts on the wheelchairs. Then I replaced the dead light bulbs in the pantry and basement.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Parents of blind children often advertise their offspring with street signs that say "Blind Child." So if that's what you're looking for, part of your work is already done.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 4)

This week to help out the elderly, I dyed Mrs. Geffner's hair. The blue had been fading, and her white roots were showing. I thought this would mark the end of my community service at the Birch Street Nursing Home, since I received my report card this week, but on my way out, the nurses told me they'd have more for me to do next week.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 3)

This week to help out the elderly, I planted flowers near the entrance to the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Fanny Mail: A Question From A Concerned Spouse

Hi, Kiddies! Last week I received a letter from a fan in Dover, Delaware. Arthur Pennington writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife found and read several drafts of her obituary, which I've been secretly working on for the past two months, and is upset. I told her I like to be prepared, but she's not listening to reason. Instead, she's been turning to her family and friends and complaining about me to them. And so of course I'm worried, because now if she meets with an accident, won't it seem suspicious?"

Yes, Arthur, I think it would seem suspicious. My advice to you is to not let her out of the house for a while. Bad things could happen to her out there, and people could point the finger at you. So keep her at home, at least until you're sure her family and friends have forgotten all about her discovery. And as you continue to perfect her obituary, be sure to store it in a secure place. Her family will be pleased with the work you've put in when the time comes for them to read it.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 2)

This week to help out the elderly, I cleared the twigs and mud from the walkway to the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Name your boat after your favorite Grandmother. If there is already a boat named The Grandmother Winsome registered in your area, then name it The Grandmother Winsome II.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Most people enjoy snacking on peanuts during a flight. But every once in a while you'll be on a plane where peanuts won't be served because of one passenger's allergies. That's why I always carry my own package of peanuts whenever I fly.

Cindy's Community Service (Week 1)

This week to help out the elderly, I changed the tennis balls on the legs of some of the old walkers at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

A Lesson To Be Learned

Kiddies, I was disheartened to hear about the train crash in Pennsylvania, particularly because it could have easily been avoided. In July of 2013 I posted an important message to train conductors, and it seems clear from recent events that certain employees haven't been paying enough attention to Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Please re-read and share this life-saving message.

Cindy Lends A Hand

Good morning, Kiddies! Cindy’s teacher offered her students a chance to raise their grades by participating in community service. Cindy took her up on the offer, and was assigned the Birch Street Nursing Home since it is near her neighborhood. As so many of you enjoyed Cindy’s posts on cheering the elderly in 2013, I've asked her to post her progress here on the blog. So stay tuned as Cindy returns to the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a teacher, instead of handing out the usual assignments, have your students compose thought-provoking questions, and then send the best of them to Grandmother Winsome. I'll pick some of my favorites to answer in the months to come.

Fanny Mail: A Second Message From Principal Stevens

Kiddies, I am always excited to see a familiar name in my in-box. Today I received an email from Principal Stevens of Lincoln Elementary, who only recently sent in a letter and who now seems on his way to being a regular contributor here at Grandmother's Fanny Game. Principal Stevens writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I received your response regarding Cindy's prank, in which you stated that a classmate named Allie was the one responsible. I checked with Cindy's teacher, Mrs. Henderson, and she confirmed that there is no such girl in Cindy's class. In fact, we don't have anyone by that name currently in any of the classrooms of the school. It was Cindy who did it. Now, regarding Cindy's declining grades, which I was surprised to find you didn't address in your message, I spoke with Mrs. Henderson, and we've come to a solution. If Cindy is willing to perform some community service, as well as pay attention these last few weeks of class, she will be able to continue on to the next grade. Unless you find this to be unacceptable, Mrs. Henderson will go ahead and assign Cindy some appropriate tasks. Sincerely, Principal Stevens."

Well, Principal Stevens, I am certain Cindy will be eager to help out with whatever it is Mrs. Henderson has in mind.

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Concerns Regarding School

Hi, Kiddies! Recently I received a letter from Principal Stevens of Lincoln Elementary School. Principal Stevens writes: "Dear Guardian of Cindy, I'm writing to inform you that on the evening of April 16th, Cindy pulled a prank that resulted in the death of a classroom pet. After everyone had left for the day, Cindy re-entered the school and covered Mrs. Henderson's hamster in paint. While it's possible she might not have intended to harm the animal, nevertheless the hamster's death has had a traumatic effect on some of her classmates. While discussing this issue with Cindy's teacher, I've also learned that Cindy's grades have been slipping, and she is in danger of being held back if her marks don't improve in the next few weeks. Please get back to me as soon as possible so we can discuss the issue and arrive at some resolution. Sincerely, Principal Stevens."

Well, Principal Stevens, I read Cindy's blog post about painting the hamster your school colors, and as I recall, it was her friend Allie who did it, not Cindy. As it seems you don't follow my blog very closely, I will be sure to email a copy of this response to the school. I am disappointed to learn that word of Grandmother's Fanny Game hasn't yet spread to Lincoln Elementary, and I will certainly speak with Cindy about that.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Family

Saturday I received a letter from Mrs. Worthington of Park City, Utah. Mrs. Worthington writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am thinking of having a private mausoleum built in my home. I want to keep my husband and children close to me, and don't enjoy visiting cemeteries. I do, however, have one concern. Will I be expected to set up visiting hours for other family members and friends?"

Well, Mrs. Worthington, many people do enjoy visiting their dead loved ones, and may want to drop by from time to time. But this is your home, and you're not required to let in anyone whom you do not wish to see. However, an option is to have a separate entrance that leads only to the mausoleum, so that no unwanted guests will need to be in any other area of your home. You can post the visiting hours at that entrance. But again, that is only if you decide to allow them access, or even tell them that the bodies are there.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Before election day, be sure to visit the campaign headquarters for all the candidates running for judge in your area, and pick up a button in support of each. Once the election is over, save only the button for the winning judge. Then if circumstances lead you to a court appearance, you can wear that button.

Cindy's Best Friend

Mrs. Henderson sure didn't appreciate Allie's school spirit. I thought it was funny that she painted our classroom hamster the school colors, but Mrs. Henderson says the paint has made Mr. Nibbles sick.

Cindy's Best Friend

Allie asked me to stay after school because she wanted to show me something. After Mrs. Henderson left, Allie went back into the classroom, and a few minutes later invited me in. Boy, will the kids be surprised tomorrow when they see that Mr. Nibbles, our classroom hamster, is painted blue and gold, our school colors.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're on trial for a serious crime, be sure to make eye contact with the jury members and smile warmly at them. Also, don't slouch. Having good posture will make a good impression. If the jury sees you at your best, they will have trouble believing the worst of you.

Fanny Mail: An April Fools' Day Concoction

Hi, Kiddies! Late last night I received an email from Gladys Proctor of San Diego. Gladys writes: "As an April Fools' joke, I posted to my cooking blog a baby food recipe that included 1 cup of varnish in the list of ingredients. Well, somebody’s baby died. I just wanted to warn my fellow bloggers that not everyone understands April Fools' jokes. Granted, I did post it just after 11 P.M. on the west coast, which technically made it April 2nd on the east coast. But the reader still should have understood the spirit in which the post was offered."

Gladys, it's so true that not everyone has a sense of humor. But let me offer another thing to consider: the mother knew exactly what she was doing, and used your humorous post as an excuse to get rid of an unwanted baby. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, Sweetie.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Rather than wear gloves, which can be conspicuous in the spring weather, tape small flesh-colored circles of cloth to the tips of your fingers to avoid leaving fingerprints. You could also use bandages if you think only a couple of your fingers will be necessary for the job. Bandages on all ten might draw unwanted attention.

Fanny Mail: A Tip From A Fan

Kiddies, today I received a delightful message from a fan in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Sue Jankowski writes: "Grandmother, I've made good use of the many tips you've provided over the years, and now wanted to offer one of my own. I couldn't find a greeting card offering congratulations on the birth of conjoined twins, so what I did was purchase two identical baby cards and tape them together."