Edward's Surprise Of The Day

Good news! I’ve just come into some money unexpectedly. For those who followed my Ice Cream Truck Adventures, you'll be pleased to know that this money will allow my winter plans for the ice cream truck to come to fruition. I will be re-fitting the vehicle as a traveling massage parlor, because children get aches and pains too.

I've done a little calculating, and there should be enough money left over to cover one more thing on my wish list:

• Vacation in the Philippines
• Take a cartography course
• Invest in better soundproofing materials
• Purchase the new thermal night vision surveillance system
• Hire someone to create a sleeping bag with a locking mechanism

Jane's Thought For The Day

Once a relative is dead, it's too late to get into the will.

Grandmother's Thought For Sunday

If you live near a church, become friendly with the pastor, so then he’ll be more likely to comply with your reasonable request to turn down those annoying bells on Sunday. After all, those are not real bells anymore, but are merely a recording of bells, the volume of which can easily be lowered.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Have a picture of your favorite Winsome Family member tattooed on your arm. If you're afraid of needles, have it tattooed on your child's arm.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Whenever you're invited to a wedding, your standard response should be, "I think I'm going to be out of town that weekend." And then, to keep from being seen shopping or dining, take the opportunity to actually go out of town. We all deserve little vacations, and a wedding provides the perfect excuse for one.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Changes In The Home

Hi, Kiddies. Today I received an email from Evan Friedlander of Nova Scotia. Evan writes: "I read your post about the couple who gave up their baby and kept their dog. Do you have any advice for people who want to give up both a baby and a dog? My wife and I are about to have new carpet installed in our home, and have no desire for it to be covered in dog hair or baby vomit."

 

Well, Evan, there are always people who are looking for either a dog or a child. However, rarely are a dog and child packaged together. So separate transactions would be the most efficient way to go about this. And while it does require more work from you, you will have your nice, clean carpet.  Remember, you could simply leave the dog outside, provided you have some sort of yard.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies. Take part in the Adopt-A-Highway Program and name your stretch of the road the Grandmother Winsome Expressway.

Fanny Mail: A New Face For An Old Friend

Kiddies, I received a delightful message this morning, and I wanted to share it with all my fans. 

Dear Grandmother Winsome, I came upon your blog in a moment of desperation, and found just what I needed in your list of aliases that you no longer use. Everything is fine now. And I just wanted to wish you the best. I look forward to visiting your blog on a regular basis.

Sincerely,

Allison McCallister

I’m tickled pink to be of help, Allison. And for anyone else who is in need, there are plenty more aliases waiting to be adopted. You can find the list here.

Fanny Mail: A Question Of Fairness

 
Earlier today I received an email from Ernie Brozier of Wichita, Kansas. Ernie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the woman I raped several years ago is currently on a book tour, promoting her work on life lessons she’s learned through coming to terms with her ordeal. I hadn't spoken to anyone about that night, and I had expected that the woman would likewise keep it to herself. And now I've learned that she's capitalizing on an experience that I made possible for her. Isn't it only fair then that I should receive some of the credit and royalties? After all, she wouldn’t be in this position had it not been for me. Of course, I’m not claiming to have done any of the writing. But obviously none of those lessons would have been possible without me coming into her life."

Well, Ernie, while I do think you have a point, I also believe the author may not be inclined to share the credit for her work. After all, it sounds like she's writing about her own experiences following your meeting. However, you can always contact her publisher and agent and make your case to them. You could also retain a lawyer to make your case for you. If you don't get the response you're hoping for, another option would be to write a book yourself detailing your own position and what you've learned from the experience. A little research leads me to believe that book might sell even better.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Character

On Saturday I received a letter from Ellen Hopkins of Stuart, Florida. Ellen writes: "Sometimes it takes an extreme set of circumstances to learn about one’s true character. Several months ago my husband and I, along with our young child, were in a raft that was attacked by a shark. In the panic, when things looked their most grim, my husband threw our child at the shark, and the two of us were able to escape. At the time, I was just relieved to have survived. But looking back, I feel my husband may have revealed something about himself. And though I still find him incredibly sexy, I'm afraid I have lost some of my respect for him. Can I trust him? He suggested going to the beach this past holiday weekend, and I balked. What if we are in similar circumstances again? Would he be so quick to sacrifice me to save his own skin? Or am I putting too much emphasis on this one episode?"

Well, Ellen, I understand the inclination to draw conclusions from one rather extreme moment. But before you lose your trust in your husband, consider the possibility that his actions were in order to save you, and not just himself. Perhaps what he truly revealed in that moment was his undying love for you. In your letter, you didn't indicate anything else alarming about your husband's behavior before or since this incident, so why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Take him up on his next offer of a beach vacation. It may be just what you need to set your mind at ease.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When writing letters to political prisoners, be sure to update them with the latest news from Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Babies

Hi, Kiddies. A few days ago I received a letter from Nickie Haynes of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Nickie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I’m discovering just how expensive it is to have a baby. And in my case, the costs are doubled because I ended up with twins. I really only budgeted for one baby, so what I’ve been doing is feeding one on one day, and the other on the next day. But they look so similar that now I’m worrying that I’ve been feeding the same one for the past week or so. It seems like one of them is always crying, and I have a feeling it's the same one. What should I do to make sure I feed both of them equally?"

Well, Nickie, I assume you purchased only enough clothing for one child, as your budget would seem to indicate. So what you can do is feed whichever one you’ve clothed on a given day. In the morning take the clothes off of one and put them on the other, and then at lunch feed the one that is dressed.

Poll Results: What Is The Most Enjoyable Way To Induce A Miscarriage?

Kiddies, I’ve been so busy with my travels and various experiments that I haven’t had time to make a graph for the most recent Fanny Game poll. But today I assigned the maid some extra tasks so that I could set aside some time for that very purpose. I delight in creating these colorful charts, Kiddies. And while one choice is clearly the favorite, each of the others garnered enough interest among the fans to make for an appealing chart. So here you go with the results from my latest poll.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

When meeting someone for the first time, introduce the idea that you have a twin. The other person will undoubtedly ask you about her, giving you the opportunity to say the two of you don’t get along. You’ll find this will come in handy later on when the person takes offense at something you've done.   

Fanny Mail: A Catsuit Question

Hi, Kiddies. Yesterday I received an email from Agnes Whitaker of Poughkeepsie, New York. Agnes writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I like my new cat, but he's just not as soft as my old cat. So I made a little coat for him out of the old cat's fur. But I am having trouble getting him to wear it. Do you have any suggestions?"

Yes, Agnes, I do. Attach firm clasps to the front of the coat. Or if you'd prefer this to be a long-term thing, you could sedate the cat and then sew the coat shut on him.

Ice Cream Truck Advice From Edward

With school starting and autumn just around the corner, we are nearing the end of Ice Cream Truck Season. Sure, it’s a sad time, but don't allow it to get you too down. There are still plenty of moments to deliver those special treats. Take advantage of the weekends, when many children are still out late, playing in their yards. And even on weekdays during these first few weeks of school there are opportunities, as children are not assigned much homework yet and so have more free time. Also, if you're attempting to extend your working hours deep into the evening, try adding hot cocoa to your list of items for sale. And be sure to enjoy each precious moment.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Ithaca

Hi, Kiddies. Lately I've been receiving a lot of mail. One of the letters I received today is from Matthew Thompson of Ithaca, New York. Matthew writes: "My wife and I recently had our first baby, and unfortunately it is deathly allergic to dog hair. After the latest and most serious reaction, which required hospitalization, we were told by several doctors that we had to give up our dog. We've had Patsy since we first started dating ten years ago and are quite attached to her. So we decided to give up the child instead. After all, Patsy is quite old and is unlikely to find another home. Plus, we really wouldn't feel right abandoning her this late in her life. She relies on us. My wife and I are still in our early thirties, so there is plenty of time to have another child after Patsy has passed. But since finding a new home for our child, we've noticed Patsy hasn't been sleeping well. She had taken an instant liking to the baby, and would always spend the night curled up next to its crib. What can we do to lift the old gal's spirits?"

Well, Matthew, you and your wife might consider taking Patsy on a day trip, just the three of you. Perhaps a nice picnic by a lake. And while you're gone, have a trusted friend remove the crib from your home and put it in storage until you need it later. When you return, it will be like the child had never been there. I'm sure before long, Patsy will be back to her old self.

Fanny Mail: A New Son

Hi, Kiddies! This morning I received an email from Bill Snyder of Lebanon, Pennsylvania. Bill writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just learned that I have a son. He is fifteen, and his name is Ephram. His mother now thinks I should be a part of his life, but I hate the name Ephram. If I'm to be a parent, shouldn't I have a say in what the child is to be named?"

Well, Bill, perhaps you should meet with the child once and see if he's worth getting to know. If he is, then you could discuss his name with the boy's mother. If she's unwilling to budge, just give him a nickname, which he would use whenever in your company.

As a side note, I have fond associations with the name Ephram. I knew an Ephram once during the traveling days of my youth.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Childhood Scars

Hi, Kiddies! Late last week I received a letter from Maureen Seaver of Lansing, Michigan. Maureen writes: "My daughter has scars all over her face and neck because I didn’t bother to cut her fingernails when she was a baby. At the age of four, she started asking questions about the marks, and I told her she was attacked by her Great Aunt Millie's orange cat. I never cared for that cat, or for Aunt Millie for that matter. So I was able to use my daughter's fear of cats to avoid the both of them for several years. But then as she got into her teens, my daughter started seeking cats out. As long as she didn't request to visit Aunt Millie's cat, I had no problem with her new interest. I was just happy she stopped asking me about her scars. But yesterday a policeman showed up and asked about several missing cats in the neighborhood. Do I need to tell my daughter the truth now, or should I just let things run their course?"

Well, Maureen, it is unlikely that any police inquiry will lead them to uncovering the truth about your daughter's scars. I think you have nothing to worry about. And if your daughter is cleaning the neighborhood of cats, so much the better. As far as I'm concerned, there is no crime in that.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your vacation this year is to some remote destination, do your part and encourage everyone at your hotel to visit the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Sunday Morning Tradition

Hauling your trash to the dump is a time-honored Sunday morning tradition. In recent years many dumps have closed. But that doesn’t mean those are no longer good places to leave your unwanted items. In fact, because they’re now unattended, the dumps are perfectly suited for getting rid of certain evidence.

Winsome Family History: August 2, 1954

It was sixty years ago today that George "The Killer" Steele first masterfully eluded the authorities, beginning a game that kept them occupied for decades.