Grandmother Winsome Looks Back At 2021

Kiddies, it was another fantastic year here at Winsome Headquarters. I was able to break in the new maid, who has proved herself to be extremely useful in a wide variety of areas. And there were some surprising results in my parakeet research. I'm looking forward to a great 2022.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

I am wearing my best red dress and heading to the hospital. That young doctor told me to meet him there, so he must have something big planned for us tonight if he doesn't even have time to go home before our date.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

Yesterday I regained feeling in my legs and immediately went to the hospital to flirt with that young doctor. I told him I was available on New Year's Eve, and he told me he had an opening. Now I just have to decide which dress to wear.

Christmas At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home had a wonderful Christmas. They spent it playing poker and eating the cookies I picked up on my way there. Yesterday they finished off all the figgy pudding and corn on the cob, and I didn't think the remaining slice of fruit cake would last very long, especially with Mrs. Henley in such a jolly mood. The stakes for one hand got really high when Mr. Tanaka suddenly realized he had a straight flush. And even though that cleaned out most of the players, everyone's spirits were still high, and Mrs. Lieberman kept the game going by extending credit. I waited until they all went to bed before taking down the decorations and putting them back in the cardboard boxes for next year.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

After your holiday dinner, before scraping any remaining food from the plates into the trash, be sure to look through it carefully for any missing dentures.

Christmas Eve At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home just called Grandmother, asking if I was available to work this afternoon because she and the other nurses want to get an early start on their holiday. That means I can put up the Christmas decorations at the Birch Street Nursing Home today and not have to get up too early tomorrow. I've also decided to surprise the patients by making a nice Christmas Eve lunch for them, including fruit cake, figgy pudding and corn on the cob.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

On Monday I took part in a scientific experiment, where I met a handsome, young doctor who took an instant fancy to me. He spent much more time with me than with any of the other participants in the study. And as soon as I regain feeling in my legs, I am going to head back to that hospital so that he can flirt with me some more. I will be sure to let him know I am available on New Year's Eve.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

One way to meet a rich, eligible man is to sign up for a scientific experiment, preferably one that takes place overnight, where there will be plenty of time for intimate one-on-one interaction with the doctor.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Tanaka asked me if they usually do something special for Christmas there. I told him that the head nurse doesn't allow decorations to be put up too early, but promised him I would get there by 6 a.m. Christmas morning to decorate the place before any of the patients wake up.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Fear of catching the coronavirus is a great excuse to avoid kissing unattractive people under the mistletoe.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

While children likely won't notice the stains on your Santa outfit, their parents might. You don't want to jeopardize your job at the mall, so have your costume professionally cleaned.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman said she was a little sad that there wouldn't be as much money coming in to the poker club each week now that one of the three rooms is no longer vacant. But she was quick to add that she does enjoy playing with Mr. Tanaka, the newest patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Everyone else there seems to like him too, including Sniffles The Eighth, who spent the entire afternoon curled at his feet.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Kiddies, I know the holidays are a busy time for most people. So if you have a lot of evidence that you don't yet have time to dispose of properly, put it in large cardboard boxes and wrap those boxes in pretty paper to use as part of your elaborate outdoor holiday display. That will buy you another month before you have to dispose of it.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are storing evidence in a bus terminal locker, be sure to use a combination lock. You don't want to have a key the authorities could discover in your possession that could easily connect you to the locker and its contents.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, now is the perfect time to buy stock in companies that manufacture wire hangers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was some confusion today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Soon after Mr. Smith dropped off the girls, an elderly man came into the activity room. He told me that a young woman had just woken him and kicked him out of his room, saying he didn't have an appointment. He said he'd been living in that room since Wednesday evening, when his grandson dropped him off, and now asked where he was supposed to go. It took a little while, but it became clear that Mr. Tanaka was a new patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and that Angel no longer had a room where her doctors could visit her. Since she had a full day of doctor's appointments already scheduled, I asked Mr. Tanaka to join us at the poker table until Angel went home. Later, when Mr. Smith picked up the girls, I had to tell him that only two rooms would be available from now on instead of three. Mr. Smith was upset at the news, but said he would probably rotate the girls so that all three could still meet with their doctors.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Keep your car dirty, so that the mud obscuring your license plate number won't seem out of place.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you meet someone who closely resembles you, keep tabs on her. She could prove very useful if you ever need to fake your own death. After all, someone has to be in that casket.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I decided to hold a fire drill today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Even though it had been a long time since our last drill, I thought this one would go quickly because there are fewer patients alive now and no one had to carry out Hazel. I didn't announce it was a drill, and pretended there really was a fire. But things went wrong right from the start. When I blew the whistle, Sniffles The Eighth was startled and bit Mr. Pearlman. Mrs. Patterson managed to barricade herself in her room and swore that Mrs. Shimshack was not going to take her last few possessions. Mrs. Henley took a long time because she kept going back inside to save more food. Mr. Matthews also took a long time, and when I went to his room to check on him, he was under his bed searching for a certain children's catalogue. It took more than an hour, and when I finally got everyone outside, Mr. Smith was already arriving with the girls. So I quickly announced it was just a drill and told everyone to go back inside. Mr. Matthews looked relieved. Later I noticed that not all the food made it back onto the pantry shelves.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

The patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home had a good Thanksgiving, except for Mr. Pearlman, who found one more trip wire left by Mrs. Patterson. While everyone else sat around the poker table and said what he or she was thankful for, Mr. Pearlman stayed in his room, resting his swollen knees. Mrs. Lieberman said she's thankful for the extra money brought in for the poker club by renting the three rooms to Mr. Smith. Mrs. Patterson said she is thankful that her trip wires work, and added that it's just a matter of time before she catches Mrs. Shimshack. Mrs. Kunkle is thankful that there aren't more windows and light switches at the Birch Street Nursing Home, because then her rounds would take all day. Mrs. Macmillan said she's thankful she didn't have to listen to Mr. Pearlman whining after today's fall. Mr. Matthews is thankful that his children's Christmas catalogues came early this year. Mrs. Henley said she's still thankful that one of Cinnamon's doctors accidentally ended up in her room. And I'm thankful that there haven't been any fires at the Birch Street Nursing Home this year, especially since we haven't been practicing our fire drill.

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Message

It's that special day when we declare what we are thankful for. Well, today I am thankful for professional football referees who are interested in making an extra buck. I have bets on all three games today, Kiddies. So far I am one for one!

Fanny Mail: A Question About Thanksgiving

Kiddies, I just received an email from Martin Brown of Rutland, Vermont. Martin writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, now that Covid restrictions have loosened, my family is planning a big Thanksgiving celebration. I fear I can't use the pandemic as an excuse for my absence this year. Do you have any suggestions for airtight excuses? In previous years, I've used illness, car trouble, and taking a friend to the hospital. And one year, out of desperation, I committed a small crime right in front of the police station in order to get arrested on Thanksgiving. Last year, Covid kept the family apart on the holiday. But what can I do about Thanksgiving this year?"

Well, Martin, one option is to tell your family you've volunteered at a soup kitchen, and don't want to risk getting anyone sick after being around all those homeless people. If you think they wouldn't believe you'd volunteer, then tell them a pipe burst in your home and you are stuck there wringing out towels until a plumber can arrive after the holiday.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday at the Birch Street Nursing Home, after Mr. Smith picked up the girls and handed me the money for their rooms, there was a loud ruckus outside. I couldn't tell where it was coming from, because it was already dark, but there was some banging and then a scream. The noises frightened the patients, and they didn't want me to leave. So I waited until they'd all fallen asleep before walking home.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Being Published

Kiddies, I just received an email from Tanya Platt of Lawton, Oklahoma. Tanya writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am in the process of applying for a writing job at the local newspaper. The application asks if I've had any work published. You posted a Fanny Mail of mine back in 2017. Does that count as being published?"

Absolutely, Sweetie! And now you have been published twice.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, the first thing I noticed was that Mrs. Henley was wearing lipstick and had brushed her hair. Then in the afternoon, even though she was winning, she excused herself from the poker table early, saying she was going up to bed and hoping that the doctor from last week might pay her another visit.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips for Better Living

Kiddies, if you're looking for someone who will do anything for a little bit of money, consider attending a meeting of those who have a problem with gambling. There you'll meet people who are not adverse to taking risks, and are likely in need of some cash.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Late this afternoon the lights went out at the Birch Street Nursing Home when a small plane crashed through some nearby power lines. The pilot was all right, but Mrs. Henley had an awful fright when one of Cinnamon's doctors accidentally ended up in her room and began poking and prodding her in the dark.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, be aware that not everyone in tents is actually camping. So if you come across some tents in a city, it might be best to refrain from poking your head inside and asking to borrow a compass.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Tomorrow is Grandmother's birthday. So today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I had all the patients gather in the office and sing "Happy Birthday" to her over the phone. Mrs. Patterson had to be reminded more than once that it wasn't her own birthday, and Mrs. Henley kept asking me where the cake was. Some of the patients forgot the words, and their singing was off-key, but Grandmother said she was tickled pink by the call.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

 

 

If you are on the lam and see yourself portrayed in a reenactment on a television crime show, whatever you do, don’t call the television station to complain that the actor they chose looks nothing like you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Smith was waiting for me on the front steps. I thought for sure he was going to give me bad news about Crystal, but instead he told me something had to be done about the crazy woman who confronted the doctors on their way into the girls' rooms last week. I was so relieved that Crystal was still alive, and I promised him I'd have a talk with Mrs. Patterson. When I told Mrs. Patterson that she'd have to stay downstairs while the doctors did their work, she muttered that they weren't really doctors, but did stay put and played poker with the rest of us until Crystal, Angel and Cinnamon left for the day.

Jane's Tips For Online Dating

If you're having trouble finding enough eligible men on the online dating sites, check out the comments section on sports and business sites. Be sure to work in that you're single in your comments, and choose a user name that lets everyone know you're available. Perhaps something like SingleAndLooking29.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson suddenly dropped her cards on the poker table right in the middle of a hand, and carried her chair upstairs. During a break in the game, I went up to check on her. She had placed her chair in the hallway, and when she saw me she grabbed my hand and whispered that the doctors who were seeing Crystal, Angel and Cinnamon weren't really doctors. She said she was certain these men were working for Mrs. Shimshack, and she was going to watch each of them carefully to make sure they didn't try to steal any of her remaining possessions.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Lend your car to family and friends and even the occasional acquaintance or neighbor, and consider letting people borrow your boots too. That way if the authorities find tire tracks and shoe prints matching yours at the crime scene, your lawyer will have enough people to call to the witness stand to create the necessary reasonable doubt of your involvement.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I've been worrying about Crystal since the Birch Street Cemetery caretaker paid her a visit last Saturday. So this week I used some of the money I've made working at the Birch Street Nursing Home to buy her a thick wool sweater. The cold weather is coming, and I've noticed that most of Crystal's clothes don't really cover her. One of her doctors finished early today, and during the ten-minute break Crystal had before the next doctor arrived, I gave her the sweater. I hope it might keep death away from her for at least another week.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Bury that body well, Kiddies. Even if you're sure the authorities won't come searching for that person, someone they are searching for might be buried close by, and if they find your body during the hunt for the other one, they could feel some pressure to pursue the case.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when we were settling into our first game of poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the Birch Street Cemetery caretaker knocked on the door. I was immediately concerned because he only shows up when one of the patients dies, and I hadn't yet seen Mr. Pearlman. But the cemetery caretaker assured me he was just there to see Crystal. I was afraid to ask, but I think he was there to take Crystal's measurements for a coffin. It's sad that none of the doctors that have seen her in the last seven months have been able to find a cure.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are becoming forgetful in your old age, it is even more important to dispose of any evidence immediately. Otherwise, if you are ever moved into a nursing home, the people in charge of the estate sale may find a house full of incriminating evidence.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning during the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a sudden shout and several loud thumps. Mrs. Patterson jumped up from the table and exclaimed that she'd caught Mrs. Shimshack at last. But what we found was Mr. Pearlman in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Mrs. Patterson was disappointed, but told us not to worry, because she had set out several other booby traps. I didn't bother to remind her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for years. Instead, I got to work searching for her traps. I found three trip wires. I hope that's all of them.

Fanny Mail: A Mother's Feedback About Edward

Today I received a sweet message from a hard-working mother named Katie Jones. Katie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just wanted to thank you for sending Edward out into our community. Never has my little Jacob had a teacher who was so hands on! And even during a pandemic! Having Jacob out of the house during the day has made working from home so much easier. I now feel that I have a good shot for getting that promotion. And thanks to Edward's physical education classes, Jacob has really slimmed down. Edward's traveling learning center is turning things around for our family."

Thank you so much for your message, Sweetie! I'll be sure to let Edward know what an impact he's had the next time I see him.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Keep in mind, Kiddies, that if you are traveling with someone that you plan to have disappear, it is best not to document your trip on social media. That makes it all too easy for the authorities to trace your steps.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Avoid violent confrontations at baby showers by remembering to remove the price tag from your gift. No good can come from letting the mother know you purchased the item on clearance.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, one of the doctors asked me if I wanted to join him upstairs with Cinnamon. I thanked him, but told him I was feeling fine.

Jane's Tips For Online Dating

The rise in coronavirus cases has put a halt to our plans to be wined and dined inside our favorite elegant restaurants. And so people are again deciding to meet online and conduct their relationships over the computer. While this might not sound like fun, there are some benefits to online dating. For example, online dating makes it much easier to pretend to be twins. Many men find dating twins to be exciting. But what's exciting for us is that it means twice as many free meals and gifts. Just remember to keep the names straight, because one twin should always be more adventurous than the other, and you don't want to blow your cover by having your date notice any inconsistencies.

Fanny Mail: A Family Matter

Kiddies, today I received an email from Lou Larsen of Minnetonka, Minnesota. Lou writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, years ago my mother faked her own death, and I inherited her house. Now, because of some trouble down in Haiti, she has returned and is demanding I hand over the house to her. Moving is such a pain, and I have things dear to me hidden under the floorboards and in a lot of the walls of this house, so I'd prefer to stay put. But she is my mother, and it is her house. What should I do?"

Sweetie, legally it is your house, so long as the authorities continue to believe your mother is dead. Is there a burial plot with an empty coffin bearing her name? If so, you could threaten to fill it with its rightful occupant if she tries to kick you out of your house. Remember, you do have some leverage. After all, she's not going to want the authorities coming around any more than you do. To keep things civil, offer to help her find other lodgings in a secluded spot nearby until things blow over in Haiti.

Edward's Traveling Learning Center

Last month I converted my ice cream truck into a traveling learning center to take care of children whose schools have closed due to outbreaks of the pandemic. I've learned that many parents want a photo taken of their children at the start of a new school year. So I have decided to offer photography services as well as classes in mathematics, science and physical education. I've created a small darkroom in the back of my truck where I can develop the photos right away while the children are doing their assignments.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Our poker game this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home was interrupted when a bird crashed into the window of the activity room, startling Mrs. Henley, who screamed and dropped her cards.

Fanny Mail: A Legal Argument

Kiddies, today I received a delightful email from David Martin of Abilene, Texas. David writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I have been a fan of yours for nearly a decade. Lately I've been thinking about one bit of legal advice you posted back in 2013. You advised that if someone has been caught disposing of a body, he should tell the judge that to save the court’s time, he’d be willing to plead guilty to the lesser charge of littering. Do you think the same logic would allow me to plead guilty to petty theft instead of facing three counts of kidnapping?"

Well, David, first let me say what a pleasure it is to hear from a longtime fan. And yes, you make a perfectly valid point, which any reasonable judge should recognize. Plus, as I understand it, courts are still backed up due to the pandemic, so even the most unreasonable judge should be happy to accept your plea so he can move on to more serious cases.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today fewer doctors than usual stopped by the Birch Street Nursing Home to check on Crystal, Angel and Cinnamon. After the morning regulars left, only one doctor arrived this afternoon, an older man who must have a lot of experience, because he was able to see all three girls at the same time. He spent several hours with them, and when he came back down he looked happy, but exhausted, and he asked me to get him a glass of water. I told him I hoped all his hard work paid off, and the girls would be feeling better soon.

Winsome Family History: September 1, 1981

It was forty years ago today that we opened the Winsome Family Cleaners. No longer would we be questioned about the giant vats of bleach we purchased each week.