Fanny Mail: A Question From A Fellow Researcher

 
Kiddies, today I received an email from Nicholas Belrose of Saratoga Springs, New York. Nicholas writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am working on a crucial experiment that I'd been planning since 2012. However, it has hit a few snags and as a result is taking longer than anticipated. I've already used all my sick and vacation days at work, days that took me years to save up. The experiment is still not complete, and it requires my attention every four hours. My boss will not give me any more time off. What should I do?"

Well, Nicholas, if you need only another week or two to finish your experiment, you could ask for unpaid leave. If you need more time, see if you can work from home. If your boss won't allow that, you could take extended lunches if your work is close enough to home, or sneak part of your experiment into your work place. Whatever you decide, don't give up. I wish you the best of luck in completing the experiment.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If all else fails during your murder trial, tell the judge you thought you were still in a virtual reality simulation and were repeatedly stabbing a Minotaur.

Jane's Tips For Dating A Married Man

Sometimes it can be beneficial to date a married man. He will be excited to see you, because he'll view the relationship as an escape from his normal life. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure a successful affair.

• Have a predetermined time when the two of you communicate, possibly during work hours.
• Never call him at home.
• When sending him text messages, use a phone application that erases the messages once they've been read.
• Have him come to your part of town, where it will be less likely he'll run into someone he knows.
• When you do see him, be very affectionate. 
• Urge him to use cash rather than his credit card when buying you dinner and gifts. You want to avoid a paper trail that his wife could discover.
• Most of all, relax and enjoy yourself. It may not last long, so make the most of it.

Edward's Weekend

I was out mingling this weekend, and the many young smiling faces I saw got me excited to get the ice cream truck tuned up and back on the road. It won't be long now.

Winsome Family History: March 26, 1968

It was exactly fifty years ago that Jacqueline Winsome created a fake Winsome Headquarters to draw attention from the real operation we were running at home. Those trucks carrying large quantities of sugar only operated for four nights, but Jacqueline was so good at drawing attention that it was during this short time that she was able to attract the man who would become her husband, turning the fake headquarters into a real home.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A good way to get rid of small items that could be considered evidence is to attend the funerals of several people you have no connection to. As you pay your last respects to each of the deceased, drop an item or two into the casket. Odds are good that no one will be opening that box again, so you'll be in the clear.

Fanny Mail: When Social Media Fail

Kiddies, yesterday I received an email from David White of Phoenix, Arizona. David writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, for the last four months my wife and I have been posting photos of our two young children on every social media site, along with their locations. While many people have taken the time to indicate they like the photos, some even leaving comments, so far no one has taken our kids. What are we doing wrong?"

Well, David, there is a website where people who are likely to want your children must register their names and addresses. The government is really doing your work for you. Getting free of the children can be as easy as leaving them in front of the right person's house.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Write to the Postmaster General and demand that the next celebrity stamp be of Grandmother Winsome.

Fanny Mail: A Message From Manhattan

Kiddies, I wanted to share with you another letter from that box of Fanny Mail, this one from Janice Singer of Manhattan, New York. Janice writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, due to some poor investments resulting in financial difficulties, my husband and I decided to put our two daughters up for adoption. We promised them we wouldn't send them to separate homes, but found that no one was willing to take both of them. So I sewed the two together, billing them as one set of conjoined twins. And then we got many offers. I just wanted to write to you so you could pass this on to any of your fans with similar troubles."

Winsome Family History: March 21, 1963

Kiddies, it was fifty-five years ago that Harry "Pigeon" McCoy finished his short stint as a guard at Alcatraz, where he eliminated a potential threat to the Winsome Family. While there, he also learned security measures that would prove instrumental the following year when we designed the first Winsome Family Headquarters.

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

City bus drivers can get lonely, particularly during the night shift. So sit up front and read them the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game posts.

Fanny Mail: A Worthy Gathering

Kiddies, moments ago I received a delightful email from William Hensley of Cambridge, Massachusetts. William writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, Saturday I attended a gathering where people got up and read from the works of their favorite writers. One guy grabbed my attention when he announced he'd be reading from the works of Grandmother Winsome. When he was finished, I met up with him in the kitchen, and he told me all about the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. Now I am a fan too, and I have a date this Friday with the man who opened my eyes to Grandmother Winsome."

Wonderful, Sweetie! You two have a fabulous time this Friday, and don't be surprised if there are a few new blog posts to talk about.

For The Children

To my younger fans, break up the school day by checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates. Just print out this handy permission slip and show it to your teacher at least once a day.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Be sure to stretch before engaging in certain activities. You don't want to get a cramp when running from the authorities.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you need a small knife for a job, take a steak knife from a restaurant. Then, once the job is complete, go ahead and return it. The restaurant's dishwasher will scour it clean at high temperatures, and the knife will pass through the hands of many other people.

Grandmother Winsome Bumper Sticker Giveaway

Kiddies, the Mexican maid made a mistake when she placed the new order for Grandmother Winsome bumper stickers, and now there are more here than I need. So if you'd like an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker, just send me a message at grandmothersfannygame@gmail.com and I'll get one out to you. Because of her error, the maid will be covering the cost of shipping.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

As your birthday approaches, sign your boyfriend up to receive catalogues from all your favorite stores. Then, when you're at his place, you can casually pick up a catalogue and point out the items you'd like to own, and say, "Aren't those lovely?"

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work at a grief counselor's office, make a recording of your favorite Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living to play for patients while they're on hold.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment, Phase I Results

Kiddies, as you know, I've been working on a ground-breaking cryonics experiment, and it was a Fanny Mail that got the ball rolling on this one. Ray Anderson had written to me, asking if defrosting his fiancée's father for their wedding and then re-freezing him would cause any further damage to his body. I promised him I'd have an answer before the wedding invitations went out. On January 21st, I froze fifteen cats in my own cryogenic tanks. Well, today, after removing three of the cats from their tanks, I have that answer.

Ray, as you know, we wanted to see what damage might occur when the cats are exposed to the elements for a limited period of time. We chose to leave the cats in the back yard for a total of two hours forty-five minutes, which is the time Cindy calculated you would need, taking into consideration the length of the ceremony and travel time, as well as allowing for family photos and a quick appearance at the reception. And I am thrilled to say the experiment is a success! Ray, there doesn't seem to be any damage to the cats, at least none that we can see. We don't know about lasting damage yet, though I have resealed those three cats in their tanks for future research. But, Sweetie, appearance is really all that matters here, for your fiancée's sake. Then later, when her father is unfrozen again, if it turns out there is damage, no one will be able to pinpoint this brief wedding excursion as the cause. Enjoy your special day and have a wonderful honeymoon!

Edward's Easter Promotion

My idea to dress as Cupid at the mall in the days leading up to Valentine's Day was a big hit with the children, so much so that the mall's director of operations contacted me about dressing as the Easter Bunny too. I agreed immediately, happy to have another opportunity to please the young children. I purchased an old bunny costume from a thrift store. Now all I need is a bag of candy, and I will be in business.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, as you know, I am conducting an important cryonics experiment. Tomorrow is the big day, when I will be opening three of the cryogenic tanks and removing the cats contained within. I have the maid standing in front of the tanks, keeping a watchful eye on the temperature, so I've been using some of this time to go through more of the data collected in the 2017 Fanny Game Fan Poll. One question I posed to the 221 respondents was, "How many times a day do you check Grandmother's Fanny Game for updates?" I am delighted to find that a few people check it up to a dozen times a day. Now that's dedication! Most of my fans are content to check the blog once or twice a day.

Fanny Mail: A Question From San Francisco

Kiddies, a few minutes ago I received a message from a fan in San Francisco who wishes to remain anonymous because of his particular question. This fan writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what's the best excuse to leave a wedding reception early?"

Sweetie, while an upset stomach always seems to be a good excuse, it is used often enough that others there might see it as suspect. I would also refrain from saying you have other plans or engagements, because those in the wedding party will view this occasion as so important that no other activities could rival it. So I suggest faking an injury, either on the dance floor if you can wait that long, or on the way into the reception. Make it look good. Be sure to fall to the ground, possibly taking a tray or something else with you, so that you will have plenty of witnesses. You want others to make the suggestion that you go home, so that it comes across as not your own wish. But, Sweetie, be sure not to actually hurt yourself or make it look so painful that someone else becomes adamant about driving you home himself. You want to appear injured, but still able to move on your own accord. If someone doesn't immediately suggest you go home, wince and limp with each step you take, and it won't be long before you're out of the reception and onto better things.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Now that pat-downs at the airport are more extensive, choose a line with a handsome TSA agent, and hide small metal objects in your clothing to ensure that you'll be chosen. By the way, if you have no destination in mind, you can purchase a refundable ticket and then cancel it at the gate. That way, you're able do this multiple times to meet several different TSA agents.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, Monday I will be opening three of the cryogenic tanks. While I am excited to learn the results of that experiment, I have been putting my time this week to good use, going over the data collected in the 2017 Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. One of the questions the 221 respondents answered was, "How many aliases do you use?" While I was surprised to learn that a number of Fanny Game fans don't use aliases at all, most respondents do employ multiple aliases, the median being seven.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

As you know, next week I plan on opening a few of the cryogenic tanks. In the meantime, I am keeping busy by going through the data collected from the 2017 Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. I am delighted to report that a very low percentage of Fanny Game fans have been incarcerated. Keep reading Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice and avoid trouble, Kiddies!

Spread The Word

If you work in an office, leave a copy of each new Grandmother's Fanny Game post on the printer for co-workers who might not yet be aware of my delightful blog.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, in this final week before I open some of the cryogenic tanks, I am using my time to go through the data collected in the 2017 Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. Of the 221 respondents, fewer than half have children. But among those that do have children, more than fifty percent have adopted children. I am glad all my tips on adoption have proved to be of such great help.

For any other fans out there thinking about adopting a child, be sure to read Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Adopting A Child.

Fanny Mail: A Business Question From Seattle

Kiddies, I recently received a letter from Walter Spanek of Seattle, Washington. Walter writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I run an orphanage here in Seattle. A few years ago, a professor came to us looking to rent a dozen children for a study she was conducting. After some discussion, we agreed on a price, and that ended up being the beginning of our successful and profitable rent-a-child program. Couples are thrilled that they are able to sample a child before deciding whether to start families of their own. The program has been particularly popular among single women who want to experience the unconditional love of a child. However, some of our regular customers have begun to complain about a lack of selection. We need fresh orphans, and I was just wondering how I could obtain some."

Well, Walter, if you are having this trouble, it's a good bet that other orphanages are experiencing similar problems. Why not contact some orphanages in the surrounding areas and create an exchange program? Think of it the way museums will sometimes lend paintings to each other for brief periods, or how branches of libraries will send books to patrons at other branches. That will provide fresh faces from which your customers can choose, and keep your business profitable for years to come.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're sick at a hotel room, and you fear your cough may be keeping other guests awake, why not shout "Read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog" between coughs? That will give them something enjoyable to do until you finally fall asleep.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, I am continuing to go through the data collected from the 2017 Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. I am pleased to see that I have fans all over the world. The 221 poll respondents include fans from eight different countries. Among those who live in the United States, I was surprised to find a significant number of fans residing in Hawaii. I wonder how many of those good people know Pistol Jim.

Fanny Mail: A Message From A Young Fan

Kiddies, I just received a delightful email from an elementary school student named Addie. Addie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, we were all really sad when we heard that our teacher, Ms. Spedding, was in a car accident. We were going to write her 'Get well soon' letters, but instead our substitute teacher told us to read Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts. It turned out to be a really fun day."

Thank you, Addie! I'm glad you're enjoying Grandmother's Fanny Game. The next time you see your principal, put in a good word for that substitute teacher. 

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, I know I haven't released much of the data from the Fanny Game Fan Poll of 2017, but in this final week before I open some of the cryogenic tanks, I have some time to go through that data. As you'll recall, there were 221 respondents who each answered 50 questions, some general and some of a more personal nature. I mentioned earlier that a surprising number of my fans are either psychologists or lawyers. And today I am tickled pink to tell you that people of all ages enjoy Grandmother's Fanny Game. The youngest person polled is seven, and the oldest is close to a hundred (happy birthday, Trixie).

Spread The Word

If you work as a janitor at the mall, take a black marker to the "Restroom Closed For Cleaning" sign, adding, "In the meantime, check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates."

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't disregard a potential suitor just because he has multiple convictions for stalking. This simply proves he is capable of devotion. You just need to refocus his energy, adjust the way he displays his affection. Change his stalking habit to a shopping habit, and you'll have yourself a catch.

Jackson Stone, Model Employee

Kiddies, Jackson Stone contacted me to tell me that his lunch was running a bit long. I was about to berate him for his lapse in work ethic, when he sent this photo.

Even on his break, Jackson Stone is spreading the word about Grandmother's Fanny Game, just as he should be. And of course, he'll be staying late tonight to make up for that lost time.

How Fanny Mail Began

The cryonics experiment continues to go well. At this stage, there is not a lot for me to do other than make sure the cold temperature is maintained. As I do not wish to begin any other experiment until I see this one to its conclusion, I've been using the time to go through some of my personal items. As you know, I recently found a box of Fanny Mail, which I have been diligently answering. Today I found something really special, the very first letter that was ever written to me from a person seeking advice, way back in late 1980. I not only saved the letter, but made a mimeograph of my response and saved that as well. So, Kiddies, here you have it – the very first Fanny Mail ever written. Enjoy!

John Hinckley of New Haven, Connecticut wrote: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, last year I read with great interest about your kinsman Brock's attempt to establish his own Witness Protection Program. Since then, I've been keeping tabs on the Winsome Family, and I know that some people have turned to you for advice on different matters. Well, I have a matter of some urgency that I would like your advice on. There is a young woman that I am interested in, but I can't ascertain her feelings toward me. I wrote a few love poems in her honor, but have not received a response. What can I do to make certain I have her attention?"

I responded: "Well, John, not everyone enjoys poetry. You must do something bigger, something that will stand out, something that every woman, not just your sweetheart, won't help but notice. Then, once you have the young lady's attention, you can express your affections for her directly rather than through poetry." 

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Put an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on every rental car you use.