Grandmother Winsome's Exciting New Year's Announcement

Astounding news, Kiddies! The leading astrologers have all declared a celestial miracle – that 2019, just like 2018, will be the Year of the Grandmother. Astrologers are rejoicing the world over! One astrologer noted that getting consecutive years like this has never happened before, which means a particularly potent and magical 2019 for Grandmother Winsome.

A New Year's Eve Tip From Edward

If midnight is way past your date's bedtime, just set the clock ahead several hours and ring in the New Year at 6 p.m.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today the head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home left me instructions to try to fill three new vacancies created when Mrs. Geffner, Mrs. Diaz, and Ms. Jenkins suddenly died late Christmas night. I put a vacancy sign out front by the road, and placed an ad in the local newspaper's classified section.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, last month I reminded my fans that if they are going to pretend to be blind, they should wear dark sunglasses. However, this isn't the only thing you need to do to make your blind act believable. Here are some other tips to keep in mind:

• Carry a white cane
• Wear mismatched clothing
• Leave toothpaste on your mouth
• Run into the occasional object on the street
• Put salt in your coffee
• Whenever you see some braille, be sure to touch it
• Take public transportation or a taxi rather than driving your own car
• Ask for recommendations of good books on tape 
• Wander into a hardware store and order a pizza
• Step in dog waste on the sidewalk
• Avoid using expressions like "Did you just see that?" and "It looks like rain."

Winsome Family History: December 27, 1958

It was on this day sixty years ago that Lord Larry used his professional wrestling skills to subdue a foreign agent, earning him immediate praise and a pardon from the governor a few years later.

Fanny Mail: A Question From A Restaurant Owner

Kiddies, today I received an email from Jason Michaels of upstate New York. Jason writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my city recently passed an ordinance requiring restaurant owners to list the calorie content of all items on the menu. While of course the menu doesn't disclose every ingredient of our Thursday special, I do want it to list the correct amount of calories. So how many calories are there in a human spleen?"

Well, Jason, an average adult spleen weighs approximately 175 grams and is made up of mostly protein and a little bit of fat. Given that protein contains four calories per gram, and fat contains nine calories per gram, the calorie content of an average adult spleen is about 183 calories. But of course it all depends on the portions you serve, Sweetie.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Christmas Edition

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I tried a new variation of the traditional gift exchange. Because none of the patients had an opportunity to leave the Birch Street Nursing Home, they had been unable to buy gifts for each other. So I decided to have a medication exchange. The patients seemed to love the idea, and they all stayed up laughing until 8 p.m.

A Christmas Tip From Edward

If Santa does anything to frighten you tonight, just do as the popular holiday song says and "jump in bed and cover your head because Santa Claus comes tonight."

A Christmas Tip From Edward

If you work as a shopping mall Santa, tell the children rather than leaving out milk and cookies, they should do Santa a better favor and leave their bedroom window open so Santa doesn't have to go down the chimney.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, my list of chores included putting up the Christmas decorations. I had put them up a few weeks ago, with the help of the patients. But the head nurse told me I had decorated too early, and instructed me to take them down. Now that I had to put them back up, I thought the patients would help again, and I could use that time to mix up a new batch of my body odor potion. However, this time the patients were not eager to help, many of them telling me that Christmas already happened. Mrs. Geffner asked if another year had already gone by. "It seems like just a few weeks ago we were putting these decorations up," she said. "Time is passing us by much too quickly." So I had to put up all the decorations myself. I did it as quickly as possible so that I could get to my body odor experiment. I am sad to report that the potion seemed to have no effect on the patients, at least not one that was apparent in the first six hours after I administered the dosage. So it's back to the drawing board with this one.

Near the end of my shift, the head nurse called to ask if I could work on Christmas. She offered the holiday rate of $15 a day, and I agreed.

A Christmas Tip From Jane

Everyone knows that some of the best sales of the year occur the day after Christmas, but that all the good stuff is grabbed by the store's employees before you even wake up. So in these last few days before the holiday, hide any items you wish to purchase and then return on December 26th to claim them. The best place to hide them is around the tree in the store's Christmas display. When you go into the changing room, bring some flattened cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, scissors and tape. Simply wrap up the items you want and slip them under the Christmas tree in the holiday display, and they will be there waiting for you the day after Christmas.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Meeting a man is difficult. One place you should look is the horse track. Keep an eye out for men cheering loudly. The louder they cheer, the more money they've won.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your child is old enough to ask questions like how Santa gets into your apartment without a chimney, your child is old enough to learn there is no Santa.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Meeting a man is difficult. One place you might want to look is an open mic night at a local comedy club. Sitting right up front and laughing louder than everybody else is certain to get the man's attention.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Don't forget your stillborn children on Christmas, Kiddies! Get them in the festive spirit by putting Santa hats on their jars.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

It is difficult meeting a man. One place women should consider looking is the DMV. There are lots of men there. Since they will likely be there most of the day, they'll have plenty of time to get to know you and the names of your favorite restaurants. And no worries about the man not being able to pick you up for your date! You will have seen him get his car registered.

A Christmas Tip From Edward

Whenever the children in your shack begin making noise, simply remind them, "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry," just as the popular Christmas song says.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I began conducting an important new experiment. After curing the patients here of their bad breath last month, this time I decided to tackle their body odor. I noticed that the patients do not bathe regularly, and knew I had to get soap into their routine one way or another. While the patients were taking their midday naps, I went into my basement laboratory and began creating a special potion. The ingredients included not only liquid soap, but also underarm deodorant shavings, perfume and potpourri. With the bad breath remedy, a few of the patients complained that my potion was too strong, so this time I mixed all the ingredients into a bowl of one of their favorite drinks, tomato juice. Each patient was given one cup. There was no clear result by the time I left, so I will repeat the experiment next week.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

It can be difficult meeting a man. One place you should look is the library. Sit down at one of the tables or on a bench near the entrance, and open a thick book to the last page. When you see an attractive man come in, pretend to read whatever is on the page, then close the book with a satisfied sigh and exclaim, "What a great book!" That will get the man's attention, and you can talk about what restaurant he should take you to.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If the wait in line to meet Santa at the mall is more than twenty minutes, it is time to tell your child that Santa Claus isn't real.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you're flying to visit family members for Christmas, save money by telling them that the airline lost your second piece of luggage, which sadly was the one that contained all their gifts.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Meeting a man is difficult. While the courthouse is a good place to look, sometimes the lawyers will be too busy to pay you the attention you deserve. Don't worry, as there are entire groups of men at the courthouse all day, going through the jury selection process. Many of these men will be happy to take you out for a nice meal.

A Christmas Tip From Edward

If you work as a shopping mall Santa, give your cell phone number out to only a few favorites of the many children that sit on your lap. Tell those special kids to call you later with any additional items they may desire.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

It's difficult to meet a man. One place you might consider looking is a courthouse. Many well-paid lawyers will spend their entire day there, and you can chat them up in the hall while the jury deliberates.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Rather than spend money on a toy train set, take your child out to the real tracks. He'll have a blast, and while he's there you can go get a massage.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I found a note from the head nurse at the top of my list of chores. She asked me to take down all the Christmas decorations because too many patients were confused by them this week, asking questions, thinking it was Christmas already. Ms. Jenkins in particular kept asking what time her family would be visiting. The head nurse in her note told me I would be putting the decorations back up closer to the holiday.

A Christmas Tip From Edward

If you work as a shopping mall Santa, after the children tell you what they want for Christmas, let them know you'll be coming around to their houses at night to see how naughty they're being. And remind them that you'll be watching them the whole year round, not just during the holiday season.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Sometimes the simplest gifts are the best. For example, an infant can amuse itself for hours with a plastic bag and some loose change.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Children won't be alarmed if they wake up in the middle of the night to see someone dressed in a Santa Claus suit outside their window. A certain Christmas carol has groomed them to expect Santa to watch them while they're sleeping.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

When visiting a department store in the month of December, always carry a little bell with you. That way, when one of those people in Santa Claus hats rings a bell at you, you can respond in kind with your own bell as you pass by into the store.

Fanny Mail: A Delightful Door

Kiddies, I just received a wonderful email from Natalia Nowak of Poland. Natalia writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am having a superb vacation in the United States, and today it became even better. I can't begin to express how excited I was when I saw this door painted in Grandmother Winsome pink. I said to myself, 'Have I inadvertently discovered the location of Winsome Headquarters?' I rang the bell and knocked for several hours, but there never came a response. I wondered why the Mexican maid wasn't answering, and for a moment thought I might be mistaken about this being Winsome Headquarters after all. Then I came to the conclusion that the maid was shirking her duties while you are deep in some important experiment in the basement, and she deserves a serious cut in pay. I have a few tourist sites to see tomorrow morning, but then I plan on returning to the door to see if I have better luck."

Natalia, I am tickled pink by your message and photo. And while the door in question does not in fact lead to Winsome Headquarters, I have been considering a cut in the maid's wages, and your message has helped finalize my decision.

Grandmother Winsome's Advice For Choosing The Right Hotel

Kiddies, thank you for all the kind words about the photos I posted from Hawaii. Several of you remarked about the hotel where I stayed. It's the place I choose to stay every time I visit the state, because it has all the proper and necessary amenities, and the people there know how to cater to the needs of their guests. It's important to find a place that suits your needs. So before booking a hotel room, be sure to get answers to all of the following questions.

• Is breakfast included?
• Does the room have free internet?
• Is there a paper shredder on the premises?
• Is the trash removed every night?
• Is the cleaning staff discreet?
• Do guests have access to all the kitchen knives?
• Are guests allowed to bury small objects on the grounds?

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Christmas is coming in just a few weeks, so today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I took out the two boxes of old holiday decorations to give the place a more festive feel. I assigned each of the more mobile patients different areas of the building to decorate. Mr. Oliveras went out to the tool shed to retrieve the step ladder and several stools, so the patients wouldn't have any trouble reaching some of the higher spots. While they were busy, I went down to my basement laboratory to continue my work on making the patients more presentable. After curing their bad breath a few weeks ago, I wrote a list of other improvements that should be made. Today from that list I chose "body odor," and began jotting down ideas on how to fix that problem.

A Christmas Tip From Edward

If you get a job as a shopping mall Santa, tell the person who hired you that you'd like copies of all the photos taken of you with the children.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Meeting a man can be difficult. One place you might try is a hiking trail. Get there early and choose a spot halfway along the trail. When an attractive man approaches, get to know him by suggesting the two of you hike together. If he seems hesitant, tell him you saw several deadly snakes on the trail, and it will be safer for both of you if you continue together.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Just a reminder, Kiddies: If you're going to pretend to be blind, wear dark sunglasses.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Kiddies, I'll be heading back to Winsome Headquarters in the morning. This trip to Hawaii has been both eventful and delightful, and I'm spending this final day relaxing at the hotel. I love that this hotel caters to my specific needs. The management has even installed a special device for destroying evidence. I've been spending this whole afternoon burning shredded documents and enjoying the view. You can't beat the peace and quiet here.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Yesterday, after I left the children and was on my way to the second tunnel, I came upon this waterfall, just off the main part of the river, and more memories came flooding back to me. All those decades ago, we had cleaned some of our tools and clothing here, and now it seems to have become a favorite local spot for washing off evidence.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

After watching the children remove the barrels from the first tunnel, I recalled that there had been so much evidence that we had been forced to use a second tunnel. So I left the children to their dumping, and went in search of this second spot. This one wasn't at all difficult to find, and nothing of what we had stored there remained. It seems that many others over the years have chosen this spot. In fact, so many vehicles have traveled this path that it now appears to be a dirt road.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Yesterday, after re-discovering the sugar plantation where we once conducted some serious business, I became curious whether I could retrace the steps that the evidence took all those decades ago. Today I had the opportunity to do just that. Enough time has passed since those days that I reasoned the dangers of my returning there were nil. It took quite a while, and I had to double back at least twice, but eventually I was able to find this tunnel. We once stored a lot of evidence inside. I was surprised to see that a few of the barrels were still there, as it had been my understanding that this tunnel was intended to only temporarily house the barrels. I hired some local children to dump the remaining contents into a nearby river, thereby finally putting to rest this bit of business.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Putting up signs on your shack that say "Danger" and "Do Not Enter" and "Children Not Allowed" is certain to attract a number of children.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Kiddies, I am enjoying Hawaii. Today I came upon a spot that sparked some memories from my youth. The head of the carnival took several of us on our first trip to Hawaii during the off season, back when I was in my late teens. We had some business to attend to at this sugar plantation. It was still in use then, so we had to be quite careful and not make too much noise while we went about our business. One night we moved dozens of barrels of evidence without being detected. I don't recall there being a fence back then.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was a quiet day at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The head nurse had left no special chores on the list for me to do, and most of the patients seemed to be exhausted still from the holiday. So I spent much of the time in the basement, pondering what my next experiment might be.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Kiddies, as you'll likely remember, back in early 2013 I conducted an important experiment here in Hawaii. During that time, I met some colleagues who presented an interesting opportunity to start a small business. I accepted the offer, stipulating that they take care of the day-to-day operations and report all progress to me back at Winsome Headquarters. In the last couple of years, the operation has grown enough that now it has become necessary to purchase the company's first truck. Of course we had to repaint the cab. Isn't she a beauty?

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

Each year at Thanksgiving we at Winsome Headquarters state what we are thankful for as part of our holiday celebration. But this year since Grandmother is in Hawaii and I am working today, I've decided to ask some of the patients here at the Birch Street Nursing Home what they are thankful for.

Here is what they told me:

Mrs. Geffner is thankful for a warm blanket.

Mrs. Diaz is thankful for each new day.

Mr. Pearlman is thankful for his new seeing eye dog, Sniffles The Fourth, who just got back from seeing the vet.

Ms. Jenkins is thankful for her memories of previous holidays.

Mrs. Henley is thankful for second helpings of medicine.

Mr. Matthews is thankful for back-to-school catalogues.

Mrs. Patterson is thankful that Mrs. Shimshack is dead.

Hazel was unresponsive, but I believe she is thankful for her window.

And I am thankful for my very own laboratory, where I hope to conduct many important experiments.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

It can be difficult meeting a good man. One place most women overlook in their search is a marathon. Dress up like a runner, splash a little water on your face and place yourself at the finish line of the race. Male runners will be impressed that you finished ahead of them. If they ask why you're not wearing a number, tell them you ran so fast that it blew off.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Aloha, Kiddies! I am relaxing with another drink in my usual hotel room, but I do have one unexpected task to perform later tonight. When I first arrived and stepped out onto the balcony, I noticed that whoever had the room before me wasn't as diligent about cleaning up his or her evidence. Well, that person is not to worry, for I plan on taking that cushion out and burning it tonight.

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Kiddies, I've arrived at my hotel in Hawaii. When I was checking in, I saw that these flowers had been planted all along the outside. What a delightful welcome!

Grandmother Winsome Returns To Hawaii

Kiddies, I'm heading to Hawaii tomorrow to take care of some business. But don't worry, I'll continue to post Grandmother's Fanny Game updates from the field.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, the day after Thanksgiving is a day one would expect to find a lot of flesh and small bones in the trash.