Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Do not rely solely on a “Beware of Dog” sign to scare off potential burglars. To really do the trick, scatter some human bones around the perimeter of your property.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Memorial Day Edition

As I promised the patients on Saturday, today I took them on a picnic. I used the $650 I won in the poker game to buy lots of food and drink. I also got one of the school bus drivers, who had the day off, to drive everyone to the park in exchange for a hundred dollars and all the hot dogs he could eat. Boy, were the patients surprised when I showed up at the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning in a school bus. It took me a while to get them all loaded on, and there were three bathroom stops along the way, but once we got to the park, everyone had a really good time. Mrs. Henley helped me unload all the food and drink through the emergency exit at the back of the bus, and she was thrilled when she saw the size of the tub of potato salad. While we were doing that, Mrs. Lieberman helped the others get settled at some picnic tables next to the pond. As Mrs. Kunkle was watching the ducks float by, she said she was happy to see something other than the front yard of the Birch Street Nursing Home, and the others agreed that it was nice to get away for a day. Bus driver Bill ate six hot dogs, which was not the day's record. Once Mrs. Henley finished off the potato salad, she had seven and a half!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, there was a note from the head nurse letting me know I'll be needed on Memorial Day, because the nurses are planning to go on a picnic. I have that day off from school, so it will be no problem. The Birch Street Nursing Home poker game continues to be exciting because of all that money I found in the metal briefcase. Today I won $650 in a single hand, when my full house beat Mrs. Macmillan's straight. I told the patients I'm going to use that money to take them on their own picnic this Monday. Mrs. Henley told me not to forget the potato salad.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy doesn't invite you to his sentencing hearing doesn't necessarily mean he's no longer interested in you. He likely just wants to avoid having you see him in one of those unflattering prison jumpsuits.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Lieberman was not at the poker table. I was about to ask Mrs. Henley if she knew where she might be when I heard some banging down in my basement laboratory. As I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw Mrs. Lieberman pounding on the metal briefcase with some of my laboratory tools. There were several dents in it, but when she saw me, she stopped and told me she was having trouble destroying the case. And she said she was getting tired. I offered to take over the job for her, but after a moment, she said it would be easier for me to just throw the case in the dumpster behind the grocery store on my way home. She placed it in a black garbage bag, and this afternoon as I was leaving the Birch Street Nursing Home, she reminded me not to let anyone see what was inside.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy is found guilty doesn't necessarily mean that you won't be able to continue your date soon. He was likely convicted of those crimes only because the lawyer refused to call you as a character witness, and now because of inadequate legal representation, he has perfect grounds for appeal.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're looking for a relaxing way to dispose of evidence, book yourself a cruise. Then you can leave some of the evidence at each of the various ports where the boat stops.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I'm continuing my tour of this nation's breath-taking parks. Today I found a little out-of-the-way park, where the neighborhood children are allowed to play unattended. I handed out lots of tasty treats, and took several photos for my scrapbook.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Mrs. Henley won more than eight hundred dollars at the poker game this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home. And when she revealed her hand, we learned that she had been bluffing the whole time, and both Mr. Tanaka and Mrs. Kunkle had better cards. Mr. Tanaka was cursing himself for folding on a flush. To make him feel better, Mrs. Henley used some of her winnings to have food delivered to the poker club. There were so many entrees and sides, that even when everyone was full, there were still plenty of leftovers. Mrs. Henley was sad to see it go, but asked me to take the rest of the food home so that the Sunday nurse wouldn't see it when she came in.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Show you're really interested in a man by offering to be a character witness at his trial.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today marked the start of my tour of this nation's breath-taking parks. My first stop was at a park about a hundred and fifty miles from Winsome Headquarters. I'd been to this park a few times, and always had success there, even selling some ice cream. The park did not disappoint me, and though I'd like to stay here another day or two, I've got to get moving.

Grandmother Winsome's Wedding Tip

If you think guests will be reluctant to attend your wedding reception, just tell them that the DJ will be reading out any Grandmother's Fanny Game updates as they occur so they won't miss a thing.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside to check if I had burned all the documents from the briefcase like she had asked me to. I assured her that all the papers, photos and the map were destroyed, along with a lot of other evidence, in the Winsome Headquarters incinerator this week. Mrs. Lieberman was much more relaxed during the game and won more than a thousand dollars.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy uses a court-appointed lawyer doesn't necessarily mean he's poor. He's probably saving his money so that after the trial he can take you on a special vacation to make up for the date that was interrupted by his arrest.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Picking up a hitchhiker is a good way of getting an extra set of fingerprints on the door handle, seat belt and console of your vehicle. And if need be, just ask him to open the trunk once or twice.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

This great nation has a lot of breath-taking parks, and I've decided to tour as many of them as I can this summer. But of course not all of them have the same amenities. I want to visit only the ones with the best playground equipment that will attract the cutest children, so I am doing my research before I hit the road in my ice cream truck.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Henley noticed the same black sedan passing the building again, and this time Mrs. Patterson saw it too. Mrs. Patterson immediately grabbed her money and ran upstairs, shouting that it is Mrs. Shimshack returning to steal her poker winnings. The rest of us got back to the game, but I noticed that Mrs. Lieberman kept glancing out through the window, and made some careless mistakes with her cards. After the game, I asked her if anything was wrong. She told me everything would be all right as long as I agreed to burn all the documents that were in that metal briefcase I found.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy is held without bail doesn't mean he's a flight risk to you. As soon as he is released, rather than run to Mexico, he will likely run straight into your arms and continue the date that was interrupted by his arrest.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

As Mrs. Lieberman predicted last week, the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home was extra special yesterday, since we had that stack of money from the briefcase to play with. Mrs. Kunkle got a full house and won $2,300. While we were all congratulating her, Mrs. Henley stood up and said she'd seen the same black sedan drive by for the third time in less than an hour. It made some of the patients nervous, so I promised I'd stay with them until they all went to sleep. I was cautious on my walk home, but did not see any sign of the mysterious car.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy doesn't use his one phone call to apologize to you for cutting the date short doesn't necessarily mean he's not sorry. He likely used that call to contact his lawyer and give him several instructions, including to place a call to you begging your forgiveness. But the lawyer is so busy securing his release that he hasn't had time to get in touch with you.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy is arrested on an outstanding warrant during your date doesn't necessarily mean you should give up on him. He will likely try to make it up to you the next week with an even better meal after he is released on his own recognizance.

Spread The Word

When returning library books, leave a bookmark in each one that says, "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today the mail man paid a rare visit to the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Henley was the first to notice him through the window of the activity room, as he walked across the front lawn. Mr. Tanaka said he hoped the mail man was delivering a letter from his grandson. All the patients were excited, and the poker game was put on hold while I went to answer the door. The mail man handed me a package for Mrs. Lieberman. We all watched as she opened the box and pulled out a long screwdriver, a small hammer and other tools. Before we could ask her what the tools were for, she went upstairs. She came back a moment later with the metal briefcase I had found last week, and said we were finally going to find out what was inside. While Mrs. Lieberman was busy prying open the case, the patients gave their final guesses as to what was inside. Mrs. Kunkle was partially right. She guessed money. There was a stack of money in the case, but there was also a folder of documents with photos and even a map. The patients, however, weren't interested in that stuff, as Mrs. Lieberman counted out the money and announced that it came to exactly ten thousand dollars. She then said the poker game is going to get very interesting the next few weeks.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy has a shovel and trash bags in the back seat doesn't necessarily mean he cares so little about the date that he didn't bother to clean out his car first. He probably spent more time than he expected making the restaurant reservation, having to argue with the manager in order to reserve the best table in the room.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Not every playground contains the same quality of children. And while certain people do appreciate you sharing your experiences, remember that it is never a good idea to use your name when writing online reviews of specific playgrounds.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I was getting close to the Birch Street Nursing Home, something shiny in the weeds on the side of the road caught my eye. It turned out to be a metal briefcase. I picked it up and took it with me to the Birch Street Nursing Home. The patients were excited about the mystery of the locked case, and each had an idea of what might be inside. Mrs. Henley said we should turn the case in at the lost-and-found box at the police department. But Mrs. Patterson said that the case should stay right there at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and all the others agreed.

Edward's Advice For Filing Taxes

Federal tax rules can be complicated. You probably saw the rule in the instructions for Form 1040 in regard to kidnapped children. So let me offer this clarification: If you are the one who has kidnapped the child, you cannot use it to claim head of household status or receive the child tax credit.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy has a few restraining orders against him doesn't necessarily mean he's not a good catch. It might just indicate that he is too passionate for some women.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Just a reminder, Kiddies: If you decide to dispose of bits of evidence down the toilet, don't use a portable potty.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I helped the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home celebrate April Fools' Day. I started by hiding Mr. Pearlman's cane and putting a tree branch in the spot where he usually keeps it. Then I put some fake vomit on the stairs and fake dog poo on the floor of the activity room. I also slipped a whoopie cushion onto Mrs. Macmillan's chair during a break in the poker game. When she came back and sat on it, everyone had a good laugh, though of course Mrs. Macmillan didn't hear it, so I had to explain why we were laughing. But Mrs. Macmillan did have a good laugh when Mrs. Henley opened the special canister of cookies I'd brought, and a rubber snake jumped out. During lunch I put a plastic insect on each patient's plate, which gave them a good scare. And when Mr. Matthews bent down to smell the flower on my broach, I squirted him with it. There was a lot of laughter today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. When I was collecting all the items in the late afternoon, Mrs. Kunkle told me not to forget my wind-up mouse toy. But that is something I had not brought.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies. If you slip off a cliff, yelling "Help!" or "Ahhh!" won't do you any good. So use those few remaining moments to yell, "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game!" until you hit the jagged rocks below.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy shows up to your date wearing a set of vampire fangs doesn't necessarily mean you're in danger of having your blood drained. He may be a member of a gothic rock band already in partial costume for a late-night concert after your date.

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your child breaks his leg and becomes burdensome, simply send him to one of those special institutions for crippled children until he is better.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Mrs. Macmillan has been so helpful teaching me sign language the past two months, that today I decided to take her a gift at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I gave her a little potted plant for her window sill. She said something to me in sign language that I didn't understand. But soon I learned that it meant "Thank you."

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy slits his wrists during your date doesn't necessarily mean he's not enjoying himself. He may be having such a good time with you that he's checking to make sure he isn't dreaming.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your baby is born sickly, don't waste money on a crib. You know you'll have to purchase a coffin sooner or later, so buy one right away and let it sleep in the coffin. When the baby expires, just close the lid.

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your child is afraid of needles, blindfold him before drawing blood so he won't know trouble is coming.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I continued my sign language lessons with Mrs. Macmillan at the Birch Street Nursing Home. And now I know how to say "Those sharks look hungry" and "My tank is out of oxygen" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy has lots of needle marks doesn't necessarily mean he's a heroin addict. His acupuncturist might just have been focused on that one area of his arm.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, the jury will be on your side if you make their time in court more enjoyable. So whenever the judge calls out, "Order in the court," why not shout out in response, "Two large extra cheese pizzas and root beer for the fine ladies and gentlemen of the jury." The judge might get upset, but the jury will be delighted.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Patch up any differences with friends and family members at least two weeks before your birthday. Then, depending on what gifts you receive from those people, you can make the decision whether to resume your feuds.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I got my first royal flush! I was so excited, I accidentally signed, "Don't speak, the room might be bugged" to Mrs. Macmillan instead of "I have a royal flush." She looked confused for a moment, but I quickly realized my mistake and shared with her the good news. Mrs. Lieberman congratulated me and told me it took her nearly eight years before she got her first royal flush. We all celebrated with a second glass of apple juice.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Don't complain about finding a finger in your fast food if that finger happens to have a diamond ring on it.

Edward's "For Your Information"

An outdoor ice skating rink is a great place to find children who need their bumps and bruises kissed.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Before you complain to the restaurant manager about finding a finger in your food, make sure that finger did not fall out of your bag of evidence.

A Tip From Edward

If you purchase an old school bus in order to spend time with certain children, keep in mind that you might raise suspicions if you don't also pick up the ugly kids on the route. Just tell the ugly ones to sit in the back. When you have them all aboard, simply call a back door evacuation drill, and once all the ugly kids jump out, you can continue on your way.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While it might seem that concealing evidence in concrete would be a foolproof method, Kiddies, there are several things that can cause concrete to break. These include drastic increases in temperature, earthquakes and even the strong root system of a nearby tree.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

My sign language lessons are continuing at the Birch Street Nursing Home, as Grandmother keeps encouraging me to learn more. Today Mrs. Macmillan taught me how to say "Careful, there’s a creaky step" and "Put out that damn cigarette" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy fakes his own death during your date doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested in you. He is probably an actor rehearsing for a production of a classic tragedy and is giving you a special sneak peek. So instead of screaming, applaud him and ask for tickets to his opening night's performance.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you own a cannabis store, name your most potent strain after Grandmother Winsome.