Monday, August 27, 2012
Fanny Mail: A Question Regarding Parenting And Pets
Hi, Kiddies. Today I received a letter from Mrs. Hammond of Houston, Texas.
She writes, "What's the best way to break it to my son that his dog has died? I like to avoid emotional scenes, so I was thinking rather than tell him directly, I'd leave the dog's corpse in his room with a note nailed to it saying, 'I am dead.' That worked when his grandmother died. But he really loved this dog, and I'm not sure this course of action is appropriate this time. I would appreciate any advice you might have."
Mrs. Hammond, I understand your wanting to avoid emotional moments. Sometimes a crying child can be quite off-putting. It all depends on your mood, of course. Is your child in school? If so, you could call the principal's office in the morning, and ask him to inform your son of his dog's demise. If school hasn't started yet, or if you have decided to keep your child from being educated, another option is to send your son to a camp and then notify him by mail. Or send him to stay with relatives and let them notify your son about his dog. But your idea of leaving the dog in his room is a good one, for then he learns about death seemingly on his own. He will come to tell you about the dog, and you can reward him for being so grown-up about it. You might even give him the very adult responsibility of burying the animal. That way you can continue with your crochet or bridge game.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Exercise Caution Around Children
As most people are by now aware, children carry diseases. So whenever handling a child - and you should never feel forced to handle one - always wear surgical gloves. And if a child coughs or sneezes near you, immediately visit your physician. It's a good idea to bring along a blood sample from the child so the doctor knows what he's up against.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Tonight's Thought
There is an adorable family of raccoons in my back yard. That reminds me - I need a new coat this year.
Monday, July 30, 2012
A Fun Activity
It's fun to collect hairs found between the pages of various library books. Who did they belong to? Are those people still alive? In my collection, they are. Plus, it's always nice to have a variety of DNA samples to leave in those special places.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Parenting: Noisy Children
Since children are gullible and quick to believe in fanciful characters like the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and recovered alcoholics, why not tell them that there is a hungry beast called The Great Maw that at night eats children who are noisy during the day. Then enjoy the peace and quiet resulting from their new fear.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Season Two Promo
Hi kiddies!
I'm hard at work on the second season of my wonderful program, "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." Please watch this special message.
I'm hard at work on the second season of my wonderful program, "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." Please watch this special message.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Season Two Coming Soon
Hi, Kiddies! I am pleased to announce that yesterday I began shooting the second season of my wonderful program, "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." Everything went well, and I will continue shooting next weekend. In the meantime, please continue sending me your questions. And I will answer as many as I can.
Monday, July 2, 2012
A Busy Time
No time to answer questions today. I'm supervising my maid's cleaning of the parlor. I am delighted to begin shooting season two of my wonderful program this weekend, and am so pleased to have a special guest coming for the first episode. That means a lot of hard of work from my maid, and so a lot of overseeing on my part.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Before Going Out...
Be
sure to carry a mask in your purse whenever you go out on the town.
Should the need arise to use a public restroom, you can easily slip it
on to avoid the risk of being identified on those hidden cameras.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Potty Training
Laura Bostwick writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I had my first child and am trying to potty train him. Whenever he poops in his crib, I rub his nose in it, then smack him with a rolled up newspaper. So far this has had no effect. Am I not hitting him hard enough? Should I use the Sunday edition? Please help."
Laura, I completely understand your inclination to train your child as you would a puppy. The problem is that puppies are far smarter than most children, and pick up things more quickly. Babies need to hear the same things over and over before they finally respond appropriately. It's very frustrating having to repeat yourself. That is why it's best to hire someone else to train your baby. Bring in the professionals. That way you can make better use of your time. Go to the beach, or see a film. And if you're unable to afford the professionals, then hire someone who is desperate for any work at any rate. Homeless people and folks who have just been released from prison are always safe bets in that regard.
Laura, I completely understand your inclination to train your child as you would a puppy. The problem is that puppies are far smarter than most children, and pick up things more quickly. Babies need to hear the same things over and over before they finally respond appropriately. It's very frustrating having to repeat yourself. That is why it's best to hire someone else to train your baby. Bring in the professionals. That way you can make better use of your time. Go to the beach, or see a film. And if you're unable to afford the professionals, then hire someone who is desperate for any work at any rate. Homeless people and folks who have just been released from prison are always safe bets in that regard.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Thursday's Thought
Do I need to wash clothing before donating it to Good Will? I'm just afraid the blood will somehow mess up the washing machine. There is so much of it.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Dorothy
Baker of Des Moines, Iowa writes, “Dear Grandmother Winsome, now that
I’m postmenopausal, what should I do with the extra money that I set
aside each month for abortions?”
Dorothy, while it is highly unlikely that you will become pregnant, there is still that slight chance. I applaud the idea of celebrating your likely inability to conceive, but I must warn you against going out and blowing your entire abortion fund. Do something special for yourself, but keep a little money in that account, just in case.
Dorothy, while it is highly unlikely that you will become pregnant, there is still that slight chance. I applaud the idea of celebrating your likely inability to conceive, but I must warn you against going out and blowing your entire abortion fund. Do something special for yourself, but keep a little money in that account, just in case.
Friday, June 15, 2012
My First Greeting Card
This is the first Grandmother's Fanny Game greeting card. I still have some available. They're only three dollars each, and of course include an envelope. If you know anyone who loves cats the way I do, he or she would certainly be tickled pink to receive this card in the mail.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Important Car Seat Question
Today I received an interesting letter from Tanya Tailor of Minneapolis.
She writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, do I have to keep my midget in a car seat? He's thirty-five, but still very tiny. He insists he no longer needs to ride in his special seat, but I don't want to get into any legal trouble. I can't afford it, especially after my other convictions."
Well, Tanya, it's better to be safe. After all, you don't want to be hassled by the fuzz. And you can tell your midget it's for his own safety, that you care for him. If he still fusses, tell him that if he's a good boy you'll allow him to decorate his special seat. Perhaps he'd like to put a sticker of his favorite rock and roll band on the side. Or maybe tie ribbons to it. Let him personalize it; then he'll be more excited to ride in it like a good little guy.
She writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, do I have to keep my midget in a car seat? He's thirty-five, but still very tiny. He insists he no longer needs to ride in his special seat, but I don't want to get into any legal trouble. I can't afford it, especially after my other convictions."
Well, Tanya, it's better to be safe. After all, you don't want to be hassled by the fuzz. And you can tell your midget it's for his own safety, that you care for him. If he still fusses, tell him that if he's a good boy you'll allow him to decorate his special seat. Perhaps he'd like to put a sticker of his favorite rock and roll band on the side. Or maybe tie ribbons to it. Let him personalize it; then he'll be more excited to ride in it like a good little guy.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Holiday
weekends are the busiest times for emergency rooms, in part because the
more experienced, qualified doctors take time off while the rest of the
staff have a go at it. I recommend you do all the reckless things on
your list tonight. With a little bit of planning, you’ll be discharged
in time to accomplish everything else on your list. You may even have
extra time to do things not on your list, like seeing your family.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Adopting A Child
- Make sure the child doesn't need any special medication or food. That could become costly and burdensome.
- Younger children are more malleable, so avoid ones that have been in circulation too long. Those are also more likely to have picked up some bad habits.
- Ask to see the child naked first. The adoption agency might be trying to hide a deformity or birth mark with clothing.
- Firm thighs are a sign of a healthy child, so give them a good squeeze. Think of children the way you think of fruit. Watch for bruising.
- If possible, take a look at the child's actual parents. If they're ugly, there's a good chance that before long the child will turn ugly too.
- If the child is already able to talk, ask it what its expectations are. Then see if those are in line with your plans.
- Ask the adoption agency for a demonstration of the child's pain threshold.
- If you adopt a child from another country, there will be less of a paper trail, but make sure that shipping is included in the cost. That's where they try to get you.
- Shop around. Even if you really like the first child you see, hold off purchase until you've gone to at least one or two competing agencies.
- Save your receipt. If something goes wrong with the child in the first ninety days, you should be able to return it for a full refund.
These tips will help make your adoption experience more pleasant.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Message From The Creators: Nora! Nora! Nora!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
What To Call Your Puppy
Donna
Kelley from Montreal writes, “Dear Grandmother Winsome, will giving my
puppy a cute name help her get adopted when I decide that I’m ready for a
new puppy?”
Donna, it probably wouldn’t hurt. But the truth is it really doesn’t matter what you call the dog. Pick a word or phrase that you like. When you are ready to drop the dog off at the shelter, you can tell them any old name. They’ll be none the wiser. If by some chance the dog does get adopted, the new owners will probably give it another name anyway, one that suits their inclinations. In the more likely scenario that the dog will get gassed, it may give the shelter worker a laugh if you say the dog is named Charcoal or Anne Frank.
Donna, it probably wouldn’t hurt. But the truth is it really doesn’t matter what you call the dog. Pick a word or phrase that you like. When you are ready to drop the dog off at the shelter, you can tell them any old name. They’ll be none the wiser. If by some chance the dog does get adopted, the new owners will probably give it another name anyway, one that suits their inclinations. In the more likely scenario that the dog will get gassed, it may give the shelter worker a laugh if you say the dog is named Charcoal or Anne Frank.
Monday, May 14, 2012
A Tooth Fairy's Query
Hi, kiddies. I've been receiving a lot of letters lately from parents with various important concerns. Today I'd like to share one of those letters with you.
Tammy Montgomery writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my child lost his first tooth yesterday. He put it under his pillow, so of course I took it and left him a quarter. But now I'm wondering, what do I do with this tooth? It seems wrong somehow to just throw it away. After all, it's a piece of my child. I wouldn't throw away his leg or hand or eyes if they should fall off. So I was thinking I might wait until the rest of his teeth have fallen out and make a necklace out of them. But I was wondering if you or any of your viewers might have other ideas. I would be grateful for any suggestions."
Tammy, first of all, I think the necklace idea is wonderful. And possibly profitable. If you have a few other children, you might consider a jewelry line. You could sell them from home. On the other hand, let me stress that you shouldn't feel obligated to save any part of your child. It's enough that you feed and clothe him. Tossing away his teeth doesn't mean you care for him any less. You don't want to become one of those mothers who saves her child's drawings and school papers and Mother's Day cards. Never become too attached.
I do, however, encourage my loyal viewers to write in with any suggestions they might have for Tammy. I know some of you have had children, and possibly a few of them lived long enough for their teeth to fall out. What did you do with those teeth?
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Message From the Creators: Tell Nora I Love Her
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I rarely get asked sports-related questions, so I was tickled pink to receive this letter from Chuck of West Virginia.
Chuck writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, rumor has it that you've made a fortune over the years betting on basketball games. If this is true, what is the secret to your success?"
Well, Chuck, the first thing I do is see which team has more white players. Then I bet on the other team. Remember to not allow your personal feelings to get in the way when betting.
Chuck writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, rumor has it that you've made a fortune over the years betting on basketball games. If this is true, what is the secret to your success?"
Well, Chuck, the first thing I do is see which team has more white players. Then I bet on the other team. Remember to not allow your personal feelings to get in the way when betting.
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Loyal Viewer's Request
Hello, kiddies. Today I received a letter from a thoughtful woman, who has asked me to post her dilemma here on my blog. I am guessing that there are many of you who will also benefit, so I am happy to oblige.
She writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, people often ask me which of my children I prefer. I always say the thin pretty one. But the truth is neither of my children is pretty. Obviously the large one isn't. But the thin one is sort of awkward and has acne. I hate being asked this question, because it reminds me of how unfortunate I am. I'd rather go through the day without thinking about my children. I'd be grateful if you'd please pass this on to your loyal viewers and readers. And perhaps if the word is spread, people will cease to ask this disturbing question. Also, if you have any advice as to how I should answer if someone does ask me this question again, I would certainly appreciate your wisdom. Thank you so much, Grandmother Winsome."
I agree that people should not ask about other people's children. No one wants to be reminded of her burdens throughout the day. And to answer your question, sometimes the truth is your best ally. The next time you're asked this awful question, look the person straight in the eye and say, "I don't care for either of my children." I bet that person will avoid asking you about them in the future, and may in fact stop asking you questions altogether. I'm so glad that I've been able to help.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Grandmother Winsome's Tip For The Weekend
When tossing a bag of evidence into the dumpster, make sure the bag is left untied. That way, there's a better chance the contents will mix in with other people's evidence.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 11: Fanny Mail #3
Hi kiddies!
The final episode of my first season is ready for viewing. This has been so enjoyable. Thank you for your support and inspiration. Keep the letters coming and I'll get to them in season two!
The final episode of my first season is ready for viewing. This has been so enjoyable. Thank you for your support and inspiration. Keep the letters coming and I'll get to them in season two!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 10: Lost and Found
Hi kiddies!
I'm so happy to share with you my wonderful new episode. I think you'll all learn something from this one.
I'm so happy to share with you my wonderful new episode. I think you'll all learn something from this one.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 9: This Is A Song, Part 2
Hi kiddies!
My first episode of 2012 is now online for your viewing pleasure. Since Episode 8 ended with a cliffhanger, I know you've all been eagerly anticipating this new episode. So here it is. Enjoy!
My first episode of 2012 is now online for your viewing pleasure. Since Episode 8 ended with a cliffhanger, I know you've all been eagerly anticipating this new episode. So here it is. Enjoy!
Friday, February 3, 2012
A Teacher Needs Your Help
Hello, kiddies. I received a letter from a teacher seeking advice. Her name is Margot Black, and she finds herself in a particular bind. It is my hope that you will be able to help her.
Margot Black writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I teach third grade. And for an exercise I had all of my students write out their wills. Some of the parents complained, but I maintain the true cause of their displeasure was that their children didn't leave them their possessions. Yet, I've been suspended from my job. After only one kid committed suicide. How do I get my job back? And how do I collect my winnings from that dead child's will? Sincerely, Margot Black."
My legal knowledge is limited. Thus, I am turning to you, my loyal viewers and readers, for assistance. Please leave your advice and comments below, and I will see to it that Margot gets them. She will certainly appreciate it. And there are probably many other teachers out there who are finding themselves in the same situation, so you'll be doing them a service as well.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 8: This Is A Song
Hi kiddies! I'm pleased to announce the last episode of 2011. It's something a little different that I'm sure you'll enjoy.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Holiday Card
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I just wanted to let you know that Episode 8 of my wonderful program will be posted here soon.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Grandmother Winsome Solves Your Holiday Troubles
I'm so pleased that folks are enjoying the special holiday episode of my wonderful program. I've been getting messages from so many nice people complimenting me on it, and on my generosity. I've also received letters from people seeking advice with regards to the holidays. So I thought I'd address a few of those concerns here. Because chances are several of you have similar questions.
Miss Marie Kingston asks, "Is it all right to ignore my ugly students when they stand under the mistletoe?"
Well, first, it's so nice to hear from a teacher, especially one who cares about making the right impression. After all, many ugly people in the world have the notion that they're just as worthy of attention as the beautiful people. But you and I know this is just not so. And it's best for children to come to terms with this at a young age. So, yes, Marie, it's quite all right to ignore the ugly students. Plus, they're more likely to carry diseases, and you don't want to risk getting sick.
Now, Edward writes, "What color Christmas lights will attract the most children to my house?"
Edward, children like lots of bright colors. So I would think plenty of greens and yellows and pinks would do the trick. Stay away from the plain white lights. And don't choose strings that are of all the same color. Children like a variety.
Sherry Boylan asks, "Should we bother wrapping our retarded child's Christmas presents?"
That's a good question. One might think that in these tough economic times, it might be best to save a bit of money by not buying wrapping paper. But that's not the case. You'll save much more money by not buying the presents themselves. Just wrap up an empty box, or an old sock. Retarded children get all caught up in the excitement of unwrapping things. It really doesn't matter what those things are. And wrapping paper is so much cheaper than the actual gifts.
I'm so glad I can be of help to you all during these festive days.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 7: A Holiday Message
Hi kiddies! I am very pleased to announce that the special holiday episode of my wonderful program is now available. I certainly hope this will inspire you to spread joy this holiday season.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 6: Mexican Maid
Hi kiddies, I'm just delighted to announce that the newest episode of my wonderful program is available for your viewing pleasure. For those of you dealing with the troubles I've had, this episode should be of great assistance.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
New Episodes Coming Soon
Hello, kiddies. I wanted to let you all know that Episode 6 of my wonderful program, Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute, will be ready soon. And next weekend we will be shooting a very special holiday episode.
In the meantime, please take a look at our first five episodes...
Episode 1: Dating Service
Episode 2: Cat Storage
Episode 3: A Special Message
Episode 4: Fanny Mail #1
Episode 5: Fanny Mail #2
In the meantime, please take a look at our first five episodes...
Episode 1: Dating Service
Episode 2: Cat Storage
Episode 3: A Special Message
Episode 4: Fanny Mail #1
Episode 5: Fanny Mail #2
Monday, October 17, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Tip Of The Day
Here is another tip to help save you money in this harsh economy. Rather than hire a babysitter, simply sedate your children before you go out. That way you won't have to worry about them damaging anything while you're gone.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 2: Cat Storage
Hi, Kiddies! I'm thrilled to announce that the second episode of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute is available for your viewing pleasure.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Episode 2 Will Be Posted Soon
I'm so pleased with the footage for Episode 2 of "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." And I can't wait to share it with you. In the meantime, please check out my other four episodes:
Episode 1: Dating Service
Episode 3: A Special Message
Episode 4: Fanny Mail #1
Episode 5: Fanny Mail #2
Episode 1: Dating Service
Episode 3: A Special Message
Episode 4: Fanny Mail #1
Episode 5: Fanny Mail #2
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Tip For The Weekend
Searching for missing children in the woods is a good way to get some exercise while also helping keep the forest clean.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 3: A Special Message
Hi, kiddies. I am so excited to share with you the newest episode of my wonderful program, "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." This is a special and important episode, so please tell your friends about it.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Tip For Wednesday
Homeless people make cheap babysitters. Just don't let them in your house, because they might be tempted to steal some of your valuables. Instead, take your children out to them.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Tip For Tuesday
Having a few drinks before bed makes it easier to fall asleep.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Update For Saturday
A lot of folks are struggling financially these days. But guess what costs only three dollars? That's right, my wonderful Grandmother's Fanny Game greeting cards. I'm hard at work on the next batch of four cards, but in the meantime the first four are still available. Keep in touch with friends and family by sending Grandmother's Fanny Game greeting cards.
And because times are tough, here is another tip for saving money:
Make your own pillows with feathers you find on the ground.
And because times are tough, here is another tip for saving money:
Make your own pillows with feathers you find on the ground.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Update For Friday
Hi, kiddies. I wanted to let you know that I've looked at the footage that we shot for Episode 3 of my wonderful program, "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute," and it's quite good. I am pleased to announce that Episode 3 will be finished soon and posted here on my blog.
Some of you might be thinking to yourselves, "Now wait a minute - I'm fairly certain that I've already watched three episodes." Well, indeed you have. You've watched Episodes 1, 4 and 5. Things sometimes get a bit out of order around here, but that will soon be corrected, as we're going to finish shooting Episode 2 very soon. And then we'll proceed in order from there, I can assure you.
In the meantime, here is a tip to help you save money in these troubled economic times:
Rather than buy your child a musical instrument, teach him how to whistle.
Some of you might be thinking to yourselves, "Now wait a minute - I'm fairly certain that I've already watched three episodes." Well, indeed you have. You've watched Episodes 1, 4 and 5. Things sometimes get a bit out of order around here, but that will soon be corrected, as we're going to finish shooting Episode 2 very soon. And then we'll proceed in order from there, I can assure you.
In the meantime, here is a tip to help you save money in these troubled economic times:
Rather than buy your child a musical instrument, teach him how to whistle.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Tip For Better Living For Wednesday
Keep a certain area of the house off-limits to children. That way you'll always have a place to go to relax, a place that will be quiet and clean. It's a good idea to include your bedroom in this off-limits section, so children won't wake you in the middle of the night or early in the morning. You might also consider including the dining room, in case you decide to invite friends to dinner.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Saturday's Tip For Better Living
Making your child donate some of his toys to the needy each month is a sure-fire way to make your child hate poor people.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friday's Tip For Better Living
Give your old socks to the maid. Her many children can use them as puppets. Or they can use them as rags to help their mother with the cleaning since they're not in school.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Thursday's Tip For Better Living
To help stop the annoying accumulation of junk mail, send back any cards or envelopes that say, "No postage necessary if mailed in the United States." The companies that sent them in the first place are forced to pay for the postage. You can write little messages on the cards such as "Please stop sending these to everyone." If we all do our part, we can put an end to the junk mail menace.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wednesday's Tip For Better Living
Leaving your infant alone for several hours each day helps him build a healthy sense of independence. You don't want him to learn to rely on you for everything.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Today's Tip For Better Living
And now it's time for one of Grandmother Winsome's tips for better living.
Putting "Lost Cat" fliers on the trees outside your house can get you sympathy from neighbors, and later they'll be less likely to call the authorities on you for your various indiscretions.
Putting "Lost Cat" fliers on the trees outside your house can get you sympathy from neighbors, and later they'll be less likely to call the authorities on you for your various indiscretions.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 5: Fanny Mail #2
Hi, kiddies. I am pleased to share with you the newest episode of my wonderful program.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 1: Dating Service
Hi kiddies. I am delighted to be able to share with you the very first episode of my wonderful new program, Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute. I hope you enjoy it.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Family Fun
Here is a possible card idea for later. In the meantime, we still have several of the first four cards available for sale. And we are hard at work on the next batch of four cards.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 4: Fanny Mail #1
I am so pleased to announce that our fourth episode is ready for your viewing pleasure. (Some of you might be wondering why the fourth episode is the first to be posted.)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The First Four Grandmother's Fanny Game Greeting Cards
Hi, kiddies. Here are photos I took of the first four Grandmother's Fanny Game greeting cards. The inside of each card is blank, so that you can write whatever delicious message you desire. We still have some available for sale. They are $3 each.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
So You Went And Had A Baby. Now What?
Well, there are many things one must do after having a baby. The first thing is to name it. This is important, because the baby will keep its name until at least the age of 18. And when you yell at it, you want it to know just who you mean.
First decide whether to give it a boy's name or a girl's name. How about Jack? Or Charles? Or Chuck? One doesn't meet enough Chucks these days. For girls, why not choose Madeline? One can't go wrong with the name Madeline.
Next, babies require a lot of work. One thing a new parent will notice almost immediately is that the baby cries. Loudly. This may require some soundproofing of the child's room, so as not to disturb any other inhabitants of the house, including the dogs. Babies don't stick to a normal sleep schedule, and so without soundproofing, its parents could be woken as early as 5 a.m.
A baby requires clothing, especially if the parent plans on taking it out anywhere. The problem is that babies grow rather quickly. And any clothing purchased will soon be outgrown, necessitating the purchase of more clothing. This can become very expensive very quickly. You might ask yourself if your baby is worth all that expense. Well, there are some alternatives.
The first, and best option is to see if any friends or relatives have baby clothes that their babies have already outgrown. Perhaps they'd be willing to donate those clothes. Ask them to wash the clothes first. Handling someone else's clothing is rather disgusting, but having it cleaned helps at least a little. Another option is to pin a piece of cloth around the baby. Use safety pins to hold the cloth on. Be sure not to stick the pin through the baby's flesh as you fasten it, for this will only cause the baby to cry and annoy everyone. If a piece of cloth is unavailable, a plastic bag will suffice. It's best to reduce, reuse and recycle, so use a bag from a store rather than purchasing bags. Everyone will be pleased by the environmentally conscious baby.
Now a parent might be wondering, "Okay, I've named it and put a bag on it, but how do I make money with this thing?" Good question. There are many ways to make some money with a new baby. One idea is to rent it out as a prop to film companies. Many films have scenes with babies. Where do those babies come from? That's right - from parents like you. Be sure it's a legitimate film, not a porn or a snuff film. While a snuff film may bring a parent a lot of money, it will also eliminate the possibility of future film work for the baby, and so no further paychecks.
There are other ways to make money with your new baby. Be creative. And enjoy parenthood.
First decide whether to give it a boy's name or a girl's name. How about Jack? Or Charles? Or Chuck? One doesn't meet enough Chucks these days. For girls, why not choose Madeline? One can't go wrong with the name Madeline.
Next, babies require a lot of work. One thing a new parent will notice almost immediately is that the baby cries. Loudly. This may require some soundproofing of the child's room, so as not to disturb any other inhabitants of the house, including the dogs. Babies don't stick to a normal sleep schedule, and so without soundproofing, its parents could be woken as early as 5 a.m.
A baby requires clothing, especially if the parent plans on taking it out anywhere. The problem is that babies grow rather quickly. And any clothing purchased will soon be outgrown, necessitating the purchase of more clothing. This can become very expensive very quickly. You might ask yourself if your baby is worth all that expense. Well, there are some alternatives.
The first, and best option is to see if any friends or relatives have baby clothes that their babies have already outgrown. Perhaps they'd be willing to donate those clothes. Ask them to wash the clothes first. Handling someone else's clothing is rather disgusting, but having it cleaned helps at least a little. Another option is to pin a piece of cloth around the baby. Use safety pins to hold the cloth on. Be sure not to stick the pin through the baby's flesh as you fasten it, for this will only cause the baby to cry and annoy everyone. If a piece of cloth is unavailable, a plastic bag will suffice. It's best to reduce, reuse and recycle, so use a bag from a store rather than purchasing bags. Everyone will be pleased by the environmentally conscious baby.
Now a parent might be wondering, "Okay, I've named it and put a bag on it, but how do I make money with this thing?" Good question. There are many ways to make some money with a new baby. One idea is to rent it out as a prop to film companies. Many films have scenes with babies. Where do those babies come from? That's right - from parents like you. Be sure it's a legitimate film, not a porn or a snuff film. While a snuff film may bring a parent a lot of money, it will also eliminate the possibility of future film work for the baby, and so no further paychecks.
There are other ways to make money with your new baby. Be creative. And enjoy parenthood.
Welcome To Grandmother Winsome's Blog
Hi, kiddies. This is Grandmother Winsome, and I just want to welcome you all to my blog. As some of you are aware, I recently started my own greeting card company (with the help of a couple of boys), called Grandmother's Fanny Game Greeting Cards. So far I've released four cards. I have many still available for sale, for those who are interested. (The very first card is pictured on this blog entry.) The cards came out wonderfully, and I'm now hard at work on the next batch of cards.
I'm also very excited to announce my new program, which will be available to view here and on You Tube. It's titled Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute, and on this show I will offer advice on a variety of topics. There will also be lots of other treats and surprises, so stay tuned.
I hope everyone who reads this will click "Follow" because I am pleased to be able to help so many people.
I'm also very excited to announce my new program, which will be available to view here and on You Tube. It's titled Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute, and on this show I will offer advice on a variety of topics. There will also be lots of other treats and surprises, so stay tuned.
I hope everyone who reads this will click "Follow" because I am pleased to be able to help so many people.
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