Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was excited to get to the Birch Street Nursing Home today with the industrial strength glue I had ordered. I figured Mrs. Lieberman was as eager as I was to get her twitching eye under control, so I went straight down to my laboratory to mix up a new batch of ointment using the stronger glue. By late morning, it was ready. I filled an old apple sauce jar with the ointment and took it up to Mrs. Lieberman, who was seated in bed, writing notes in a journal. I told her I had created an improved formula for her twitching eye, and she was patient while I applied the first layer of the ointment. I told her that the instructions were the same as last time, that she was to apply it three times a day. I didn't notice any progress before I left the Birch Street Nursing Home this afternoon, but hope that next week when I arrive, the twitching will be gone.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you know your activity is going to be caught on security cameras, wear a few extra layers of clothing so that you'll appear to be much heavier than you really are.

Grandmother In Chinatown

Kiddies, I had to pop over to San Francisco to take care of a little business. And goodness gracious, because of the coronavirus, Chinatown is dead.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, with the growing coronavirus hysteria, there's never been a better time to get away with using a mask to obscure your facial features. No one will be the least bit suspicious of you. What's more, people will keep their distance from you out of fear of catching the virus. So go ahead and plan those special activities without fear of being recognized.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, no matter how unflattering the photo the authorities choose to put on your "Most Wanted" poster, do not turn yourself in just to get it taken down.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, no matter how much the authorities overestimate your weight in the description on the "Most Wanted" poster, do not call them to argue about it.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

All week at school I kept thinking about Mrs. Lieberman's twitching eye. This morning as soon as I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I went right upstairs to the room Mrs. Lieberman shares with Hazel. I was pleased to see that the jar of ointment I had left next to her bed was empty, but I was not pleased to find that using it had had no effect. Mrs. Lieberman's eye was twitching just as much as it did last week. So I will use a month's worth of my pay from the nursing home to order a much stronger glue. It's going to be industrial strength this time, which should increase the ointment's potency. I hope the next batch will hold that distracting eye in place.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When decorating your establishment, be it an inn or restaurant, rather than the usual stale art, print out copies of photos from the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog to frame and hang on the walls.

Here are some examples that would look lovely on any wall:

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Until they get this coronavirus under control, if any of your family members exhibit symptoms like runny nose, cough or sore throat, don't assume that they are simply suffering from a common cold. Take no chances with your health, Kiddies. Immediately lock those family members in the attic, and leave them up there until this whole thing passes.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, save the receipt only long enough to test that the chainsaw works, and not long enough that the authorities could find it during a search and use it as evidence against you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I went straight up to see Mrs. Lieberman about her twitching eye. I decided last week that she would be the subject of my new experiment, but before getting to work on it, I wanted to take some measurements, to see how bad the twitch was, and how large an area it covered, so I would know how much ointment was needed. Because there were no vacant rooms when Mrs. Lieberman moved in two weeks ago, and because Hazel spends almost all her time in her chair, the head nurse placed Mrs. Lieberman in the same room, giving her the bed. And it was in that bed that I found Mrs. Lieberman this morning. As I began taking measurements, she woke up and tried to swat my ruler away. But I explained to her that I was there to help. The rest of the morning I spent down in my basement laboratory, mixing the ingredients I brought from Winsome Headquarters, to make a special ointment for her. After lunch, I applied the first layer of ointment to the area under her eye. Before I went home, I applied a second layer, then left the rest of the ointment on the nightstand with instructions that she should apply it three times a day. I hope that when I arrive at the Birch Street Nursing Home next Saturday, Mrs. Lieberman's distracting twitch will be gone.

A Tip For Boxing Referees

Whenever a fighter gets knocked down, before allowing the fight to continue, ask him to recite his favorite Grandmother Winsome's Tip For Better Living. If he has trouble coming up with one, call the match immediately for his safety.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A barbershop floor is a good place to pick up some extra DNA samples to sprinkle at the scene to confuse the authorities.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, Kiddies, death pools are about celebrities and other people you don’t have easy access to. Listing family members and neighbors would probably be considered cheating by the other players.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last week when Mrs. Lieberman was dropped off at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I noticed a twitch under her left eye. I figured it was simply because she was nervous about living in a new place. But today I noticed that the twitch was worse. I decided that I would welcome her to the Birch Street Nursing Home by making her the subject of my new laboratory experiment. I am going to fix that twitching eye.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

This is a Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice alert. Kiddies, in addition to cameras, some convenience stores now have height strips at the entrances that measure the customer's height as he or she walks through the doors. So in addition to concealing your face, be sure to slouch as you enter convenience stores from now on.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, a new patient arrived unexpectedly. I was down in my basement laboratory and didn't hear the knock on the door. It was Mrs. Patterson's screams that got my attention. When I got upstairs, I saw a man and an old woman standing in the activity room. Mrs. Patterson was screaming that they were there to steal her possessions for Mrs. Shimshack. Sniffles The Seventh started barking at Mrs. Patterson, who then took a swipe at the dog with her magazine and ended up falling over. The man told me he liked my jacket. In my rush to get upstairs, I hadn't taken off the new lab coat that Grandmother gave me for Christmas, or even my rubber gloves. Before I could thank the man, Mr. Pearlman came into the room, shouting "I hear you, Sniffles!" He then tripped over the dog and landed on top of Mrs. Patterson, who began screaming all over again. The man then turned to the old woman and said, "I think you'll be very happy here, Mom." He introduced his mother to me, and moments later he was gone. The head nurse hadn't left me any instructions about what to do with this new patient, and so I left her on the most comfortable chair in the activity room with a note pinned to her sweater saying "Mrs. Lieberman."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, just a reminder: if your trial attorney tells you a hung jury is the best you can hope for, that doesn't mean going out and hanging each member of the jury.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Consider carrying a bird watching book with you. That way, if the authorities become suspicious, you can offer a perfectly innocent reason for looking through the binoculars.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was my first day at work in the new year, and I was excited to follow my new year's resolution to spend more time in my laboratory. So once I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I just made a quick round to all the patients to wish them a happy new year and to remind them to start their chores, and then headed down to the basement to come up with ideas for new experiments. I was so productive, I ended up spending the whole day down there. It wasn't until I was leaving that I remembered to look at the list of chores left by the head nurse. Fortunately, the list contained just the usual tasks, so everything had already been done by the patients.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't write a man off as unworthy of your attention just because he has done a little prison time. He may have simply had some bad luck, and will be much more careful in the future about leaving evidence behind at the crime scene.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've recently used a dumbbell or jump rope in a crime, this is the perfect time to unload that evidence. Simply place it along side similar items at your gym. With all those overweight people making new year's resolutions, the evidence will soon be covered with many new fingerprints.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A smoke alarm with the batteries missing will look suspicious, but a smoke alarm with the batteries simply placed in the wrong direction will look like an honest mistake.

Cindy's New Year's Resolution

Because of the fire and the much-needed fire drills at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I haven't been able to spend enough time on my experiments. So my New Year's resolution for 2020 is to dedicate more time to work in my laboratory.

Grandmother Winsome Looks Back At 2019

Kiddies, 2019 is at an end, and I thought it would be a good idea to look back at the accomplishments of some of your favorite Winsome Family members. This year Cindy set a fire drill record at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Jane managed to remain single for another year. Edward spent a good deal of the year on the road selling ice cream. And I did some traveling myself this year, visiting an old friend in South America and depositing some evidence in the catacombs below his church. Now, looking forward to 2020, I plan to travel to the Orient, both for business and pleasure. And, barring too many more mishaps, I hope to choose the replacement Mexican maid for Winsome Headquarters.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your spouse has died, under no circumstances should you request gifts in lieu of flowers, because that will raise suspicion among the authorities. Even if you hate flowers, just accept them graciously and then move on. In the coming weeks you can use your loved one's insurance money to purchase whatever items you're desiring.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home we held the final fire drill of 2019. I was determined to meet my goal of getting all the patients out within thirty-five minutes. I knew it was going to be tight, so to save some time, before announcing the drill, I cleared the hallway upstairs of obstacles, and also wrote out a card that said "Fire!" to wave in front of Mrs. Macmillan. I am happy to report that every patient, including Hazel, made it safely out of the building in thirty-four minutes and fifty seconds. To celebrate, I whipped up a batch of my special cupcakes for the patients.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

"It must be lost in the mail" is a believable excuse if you forgot to buy someone a Christmas present.

Christmas At Winsome Headquarters

Happy holidays, Kiddies! I hope you are enjoying your day. We are having a good time here Winsome Headquarters, even though the place isn't quite as festive as I'd planned. Last night we lost power when the three Mexican maid applicants electrocuted themselves on the roof and fell to their deaths. We are having trouble getting a maintenance man out during the holiday, so the electricity here is limited to what can be provided by the back-up generator. It looks like the giant pink light display on the roof will have to wait until next year.

Christmas Eve At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, as you remember, early this year the Mexican maid died during an operation to locate an alien surveillance device. Since then, I've been trying out several different options to find the right replacement for the Mexican maid. I've narrowed the search down to three applicants, all of whom are here at Winsome Headquarters today, getting the place prepared for the Winsome Family Christmas celebration. As I type this, all three are on the roof, rigging up a special light display that will dazzle the entire neighborhood and make for a very merry Christmas indeed.

Edward's Christmas

My shack in the woods is looking festive for the holiday. The walls are covered with lovely Christmas photos. I wasn't able to add any to the collection this year because for some reason I wasn't hired back as Santa at the mall. But for Christmas Eve, I've decided to offer my services as Santa to the local orphanage. Sure, there likely won't be a professional photographer there to capture the beautiful moments. And I won't make as much money as I would have at the mall, but this holiday isn't really about making money. It's about the children.

Spread The Word

Rather than Christmas caroling, gather a group together to go door-to-door to perform the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was pleased that last week we were able to set a new Birch Street Nursing Home fire drill record of forty-four minutes. But it bothered me that we were still leaving Hazel inside to burn. So this week I spent some time in school concentrating on that problem. And I came up with a solution. For today's fire drill, I picked Mr. Oliveras and Mr. Matthews to lift Hazel from her chair and carry her out of the building. This ended up increasing the total time again, to forty-nine minutes, but most of the other patients were out in less than forty. I am certain that next week with a few minor adjustments we can meet our goal of thirty-five minutes.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you attend a festive gathering, make sure at least one toast is "To Grandmother Winsome!"

A Special Holiday Message From Grandmother Winsome

In the spirit of the holidays, why not donate some toys to needy children through your employer's charity drive? Of course, there is nothing wrong with using them first during your special nighttime activities. That scooter, for example, looks like it could knock a nosy security guard unconscious and then be used as a getaway vehicle. The children will be happy to take the evidence off your hands and add their fingerprints to it. And your co-workers will think highly of you for donating to a good cause. Happy holidays, Kiddies!

A Holiday Message From Grandmother Winsome

While it is generally agreed that certain topics should be avoided at holiday gatherings, one topic that is sure to bring a smile to everyone's face is Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I held another fire drill at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I was determined to beat the fifty-two minutes it took to get the patients out last week. To fix two major causes of delay from last time, I put Mrs. Henley in charge of helping retrieve Mrs. Patterson's possessions from their secret spots, and put Mrs. Kunkel in charge of helping to guide Mr. Pearlman out of the building. This strategy worked! The patients made it out in only forty-four minutes, a new Birch Street Nursing Home fire drill record.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If the person you are accused of raping is obese, be wary of using "She is too fat to rape" as your defense, particularly if the judge is also on the chunky side.

A Tip From Edward

If your van is low on gas, bring the children to you by drawing a hopscotch court with chalk on the sidewalk in front of your house.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Before making an expensive purchase, first see if a terminally ill relative already has the item.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, some people leave their curtains open at night in order to show off their Christmas trees. You can use this opportunity to take a peek at what else they may have inside.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Avoid dates with airplane crash survivors. You'd be surprised to learn how very small the settlements are that they receive from the airlines. Also, many never want to fly again, so exotic trips for two are likely out of the question.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, the first thing I did was give Mrs. Henley the new dress that Grandmother helped me sew. I know she liked it, because she exclaimed, "Oh my, I've never seen such large flowers before!" That was the high point of the day. Later in the morning, we held our second fire drill, and I was sad to find that this one took even longer than the one last week. It was fifty-two minutes before all the patients made it out to the front lawn. This was partly Mrs. Patterson's fault, because she insisted on gathering all of her possessions before leaving her room so that Mrs. Shimshack couldn't steal them. It was also partly due to Mr. Pearlman's tumble down the stairs in the panic after I yelled "Fire!" I hope they'll do better next week.

A New Dress For Mrs. Henley

Today I came straight home after school to work on Mrs. Henley's new dress to replace the one that had been damaged during last month's fire at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Sewing the bed sheets together was more difficult than I had expected, so I went down to Grandmother's laboratory to ask for help. Grandmother had done such a great job on my cat costume a few years ago that I figured this project would be a piece of cake for her. I showed her the pattern I had drawn, and at first Grandmother thought I had made a mistake, that Mrs. Henley could not possibly be that large. But once I assured her of Mrs. Henley's size, Grandmother and I got to work on the dress, and we had it finished in very little time.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Now that the cold weather is here, store some heavy blankets in your car. That way, you'll be able to keep warm if your car breaks down on a secluded road.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If the authorities question you in a missing persons case, be careful not to refer to the missing person in the past tense. Lines like "I loved her so much" and "She meant everything to me" will certainly raise suspicion.