Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Ms. Jenkins told me her call button wasn't working. I asked her to show me what she was talking about, and she pulled out a dusty and dirty old gadget from under her bed. When I examined it, I found that the battery inside had corroded. I replaced the battery with a fresh one from the pantry, then looked for call buttons in all the other rooms. Sure enough, each room had a call button under the bed. I replaced the batteries in all of them. Once the buttons were working, the patients had fun contacting me to have me open their windows, close their windows, and open their windows again.

Fanny Mail: Feeling The Heat In Missouri

Kiddies, I just received a lovely email from Gloria Washington of St. Louis, Missouri. Gloria writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I don't get out of my home much these days, but I do keep track of things on my computer. Today I saw a map showing the high temperatures all across the country, and those red and brown splotches made our nation look like a barren wasteland. Apparently record temperatures are occurring all over the world. And reading the news makes me feel that we are living in the last days. I just wanted to say that I'm glad Grandmother Winsome is here for the end."

Thank you, Sweetie! Do your best to stay cool. Drink plenty of water. And if you need to get up, don't stand up too quickly. Keep checking for Grandmother's Fanny Game updates, and we'll get through this together.

Fanny Mail: Carnival News

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Mason Burkhardt of Springfield, Missouri. Mason writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, a few years ago I inherited my grandfather's business, a traveling carnival. This came as a surprise, as my grandfather and I hadn't seen each other as much as I would have liked, but I soon fell in love with the carnival. I had heard that business had declined over the years, but hadn't realized to just what extent. I was faced with the difficult decision of closing for good, when business suddenly picked up. Curious as to the reason behind the new interest in carnivals, I began asking patrons. One answer I heard over and over was that Grandmother Winsome was encouraging people to visit carnivals. I did a little research, and discovered your blog. I just wanted to thank you, Grandmother, for helping me keep my grandfather's dream alive. In fact, with the new revenue, I've been able to double the carnival's pygmy population."

That's wonderful news, Mason! I can't begin to tell you how delighted I am at hearing word that carnival business is picking up again. And I am grateful to all my fans who are patronizing carnivals. Even though I am no longer affiliated with a particular carnival, I believe they still play an important role in society.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Look for me near lakes and other swimming holes the rest of the summer. When you get out of the water, all tired and wet, come over to my truck for a tasty treat.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're an airline pilot, refrain from doing so until you're through the heavy turbulence.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a maker of fine wines, print on the label, "This product is best enjoyed while reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you think the police are onto you, be careful not to leave your DNA anywhere. For example, do not toss your fast food cup into the trash in public. And take your own silverware to restaurants whenever you dine out. Or simply take the restaurant's silverware home with you when you've finished your meal.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If all else fails, Kiddies, tell the judge that you stabbed all those people because of a post-hypnotic suggestion planted in your head during a particularly eventful cocktail party and are not to blame.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you have trouble remembering names and recognizing faces, whenever you go to a place where you are likely to run into people you've met, wrap a large bandage around your head. Other people will think your faulty memory is due to a head injury and will not take offense when you have no idea who they are.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I welcomed a new patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home. After I helped her get settled in, I went back downstairs and updated the roster. I crossed Mr. Yeats from the list and added Ms. Jenkins.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you are a surgeon, be sure to sew your patient back up before taking out your phone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you are a firefighter, please make sure to first put out the blaze.

Independence Day Legal Advice

Kiddies, as pet owners will tell you, dogs get upset at the sound of fireworks and will often bark wildly in response. As a result, their barking is generally ignored on the night of July 4th. This is to your advantage, for your special nighttime activities have a better chance of going unnoticed.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, the night of July 4th is the perfect time to conduct activities you fear could be noisy and draw attention to your home. Just have your maid light off fireworks in your yard to mask the sounds.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't worry if your date takes you to the grocery store deli counter for dinner and uses a buy-one-get-one-free coupon. He is definitely saving money to buy a great gift for you.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you work as a lifeguard, wait until you've brought the drowning child safely back to shore before taking out your phone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you plan on undergoing hypnosis in order to quit a bad habit, be sure to take a friend along with you to monitor everything the hypnotist says. You don't want him or her counteracting any advice you received from Grandmother Winsome.

Spread The Word

If you work as a police officer, when telling someone to follow the posted speed limit, also tell the person to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today some researchers showed up at the Birch Street Nursing Home. They said they were from a nearby college, and were conducting an important experiment that required blood samples from elderly subjects. I gave permission for all the patients to take part.

A Warning About Cat Cafés

Kiddies, I just returned from a so-called "cat café," and I must warn you that, despite the name, the restaurant did not serve cat meat. And it was certainly not due to a lack of cats, as they had several of them running around the place. Obviously, no one had explained to them proper cat storage, which is so important particularly in a place that serves food. I immediately called the authorities to report the several health code violations I witnessed.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Always be polite when declining an invitation. And if you feel an explanation is necessary, simply tell the person that you will be catching up on Grandmother's Fanny Game posts that evening.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't worry if your date takes you to an all-you-can-eat buffet and fills several containers with food to take home. He is almost certainly saving money to buy a great gift for you.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, it is important to not forget our history. So if you are an author or publisher of textbooks for schools, be sure to include a little Winsome Family History in each book.

Fanny Mail: Election Results

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Eileen Bradford of Cedarville, Ohio. Eileen writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, in the recent primary election, I was in charge of counting the mail-in ballots for our town. I was surprised to see that Louise Sudbury had written in 'Grandmother Winsome' for Commissioner. Not familiar with the name, I did a little research and was pleased to find the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. Now I count myself among your fans, and plan on voting for you in November, for whatever office you'd like."

Well, Eileen, I am delighted to hear that people all over the country want Grandmother Winsome in positions of power. I don't believe I can hold political office in several states at once, but I will look into it. And I am tickled pink to have a new fan in Ohio.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're looking for a short-term hiding spot for evidence, consider a flower bed. Most people are respectful of flowers and won't go stomping around in there. Just remember this is for a short term only. Once those flowers are dead, your evidence should be long gone.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

One of my chores at the Birch Street Nursing Home is answering the phone. Today I actually got a call. It was from a couple who would like to drop off a family member and asked for a tour. I told them there were no vacancies at the moment, but to stop by for a tour anyway, because Mr. Yeats hasn't been looking too good and is not expected to be here much longer.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, please refrain from doing so if you're at the movie theater. If your curiosity is getting the better of you, quietly get up and go into the lobby before taking out your phone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When going to see a movie, carry a stash of strong sedatives in your purse, and slip them into the drinks of any children seated near you at the theater. That way, they won't talk during the picture. Be sure to do it during the previews, so they'll be out cold before the feature starts.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't worry if your date tells the server it's your birthday in order to get a free dessert. He is likely saving money to buy a great gift for you.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you want to be referred to as "Doctor," but have no wish to go through the rigmarole of an extended education, simply have your first name legally changed to Doctor.

Grandmother's Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you work as a bus driver, wait until a handicapped person is getting on or off. The time it takes for the lift to operate should be sufficient for you to read the latest update.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are going to post a message on a deceased person's social media page on the anniversary of his or her death, be sure not to include any information that the police don't already have.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today my list of chores at the Birch Street Nursing Home was printed much more neatly than usual. And the tasks were completely different from other weeks. All of them involved taking care of Mr. Matthews. I did the first couple of items on the list, clipping his toe nails and giving him a sponge bath, but when the other patients began complaining about being hungry, I went back to my usual routine, which includes feeding the patients and giving them their medication.

Spread The Word

If you work as a meteorologist, whenever the forecast calls for rain, tell your viewers that it will be the perfect weather for staying inside and reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, our grasp on reality is, at best, a tenuous thing. So if someone claims that you owe him money, tell him you don't recall and that it was likely just a dream he had. If he insists, then tell him you'll repay him in another dream.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't worry if your date doesn't leave a tip at the restaurant. He may be saving money to buy a great gift for you.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, be sure to instruct every member of your family to refrain from signing up for any of those ancestry tests. Giving your DNA to a company is never a good idea, particularly when those companies share their information with the government. Remember, if a relative sends in his or her DNA, he or she is essentially sending in your DNA as well, and that of everyone in your family. Stay out of the system, Kiddies!

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While barbed wire may be a strong deterrent to would-be intruders, keep in mind that it may also raise suspicion among the authorities.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you decide to leave a family member at a nursing home, be sure to first take all of his or her valuables. Theft is rampant in those places, and besides, he or she won't need those items in there anyway.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson started yelling again about how Mrs. Shimshack was stealing from her. She got several of the other patients so upset that they became convinced that Mrs. Shimshack was stealing from them too. After a group of them began demanding justice, I organized a trip to the Birch Street Cemetery so that everyone could view Mrs. Shimshack's grave.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When friends or family try to burden you with their relationship problems, don't get involved. Simply refer them to Dating Tips From The Winsome Women.

Grandmother Reaches 1,000

Kiddies, I just noticed that today's Legal Advice was the 1,000th post to go up on Grandmother's Fanny Game. What a wonderful milestone to reach in the Year of the Grandmother.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A gift of fresh coffee and bagels will encourage construction workers to look the other way as you dump evidence into the foundation of the new building.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Having a family member committed to an insane asylum will free up a room in your house, which you can rent out for extra cash.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't worry if your date insists on taking you out for dinner on a Tuesday during happy hour. He might be saving money to buy a great gift for you.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you suspect someone in the room is wearing a wire, be sure to tell everyone listening to follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

While you may be able to get a dog to bury a bone or two, you can't rely on it to bury an entire skeleton.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I spent much of the afternoon calming Mrs. Patterson down. She was certain that she was being robbed, shouting over and over, "Mrs. Shimshack's stealing from me again!" She didn't believe me when I reminded her that Mrs. Shimshack died almost five years ago, and didn't calm down until it was time for her nap.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! The next time you’re at a wine-tasting event, and you sample something particularly good, exclaim “Grandmother Winsome would just love this one!”

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it's that time of year when many of you will be traveling to the ocean for vacation. While burying someone in the sand at the beach may sound like a good idea, it could actually be dangerous. An unexpectedly large wave at high tide could wash away the sand and expose the body before you leave town.