Cindy's New Year's Resolution

Because of the fire and the much-needed fire drills at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I haven't been able to spend enough time on my experiments. So my New Year's resolution for 2020 is to dedicate more time to work in my laboratory.

Grandmother Winsome Looks Back At 2019

Kiddies, 2019 is at an end, and I thought it would be a good idea to look back at the accomplishments of some of your favorite Winsome Family members. This year Cindy set a fire drill record at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Jane managed to remain single for another year. Edward spent a good deal of the year on the road selling ice cream. And I did some traveling myself this year, visiting an old friend in South America and depositing some evidence in the catacombs below his church. Now, looking forward to 2020, I plan to travel to the Orient, both for business and pleasure. And, barring too many more mishaps, I hope to choose the replacement Mexican maid for Winsome Headquarters.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your spouse has died, under no circumstances should you request gifts in lieu of flowers, because that will raise suspicion among the authorities. Even if you hate flowers, just accept them graciously and then move on. In the coming weeks you can use your loved one's insurance money to purchase whatever items you're desiring.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home we held the final fire drill of 2019. I was determined to meet my goal of getting all the patients out within thirty-five minutes. I knew it was going to be tight, so to save some time, before announcing the drill, I cleared the hallway upstairs of obstacles, and also wrote out a card that said "Fire!" to wave in front of Mrs. Macmillan. I am happy to report that every patient, including Hazel, made it safely out of the building in thirty-four minutes and fifty seconds. To celebrate, I whipped up a batch of my special cupcakes for the patients.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

"It must be lost in the mail" is a believable excuse if you forgot to buy someone a Christmas present.

Christmas At Winsome Headquarters

Happy holidays, Kiddies! I hope you are enjoying your day. We are having a good time here Winsome Headquarters, even though the place isn't quite as festive as I'd planned. Last night we lost power when the three Mexican maid applicants electrocuted themselves on the roof and fell to their deaths. We are having trouble getting a maintenance man out during the holiday, so the electricity here is limited to what can be provided by the back-up generator. It looks like the giant pink light display on the roof will have to wait until next year.

Christmas Eve At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, as you remember, early this year the Mexican maid died during an operation to locate an alien surveillance device. Since then, I've been trying out several different options to find the right replacement for the Mexican maid. I've narrowed the search down to three applicants, all of whom are here at Winsome Headquarters today, getting the place prepared for the Winsome Family Christmas celebration. As I type this, all three are on the roof, rigging up a special light display that will dazzle the entire neighborhood and make for a very merry Christmas indeed.

Edward's Christmas

My shack in the woods is looking festive for the holiday. The walls are covered with lovely Christmas photos. I wasn't able to add any to the collection this year because for some reason I wasn't hired back as Santa at the mall. But for Christmas Eve, I've decided to offer my services as Santa to the local orphanage. Sure, there likely won't be a professional photographer there to capture the beautiful moments. And I won't make as much money as I would have at the mall, but this holiday isn't really about making money. It's about the children.

Spread The Word

Rather than Christmas caroling, gather a group together to go door-to-door to perform the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was pleased that last week we were able to set a new Birch Street Nursing Home fire drill record of forty-four minutes. But it bothered me that we were still leaving Hazel inside to burn. So this week I spent some time in school concentrating on that problem. And I came up with a solution. For today's fire drill, I picked Mr. Oliveras and Mr. Matthews to lift Hazel from her chair and carry her out of the building. This ended up increasing the total time again, to forty-nine minutes, but most of the other patients were out in less than forty. I am certain that next week with a few minor adjustments we can meet our goal of thirty-five minutes.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you attend a festive gathering, make sure at least one toast is "To Grandmother Winsome!"

A Special Holiday Message From Grandmother Winsome

In the spirit of the holidays, why not donate some toys to needy children through your employer's charity drive? Of course, there is nothing wrong with using them first during your special nighttime activities. That scooter, for example, looks like it could knock a nosy security guard unconscious and then be used as a getaway vehicle. The children will be happy to take the evidence off your hands and add their fingerprints to it. And your co-workers will think highly of you for donating to a good cause. Happy holidays, Kiddies!

A Holiday Message From Grandmother Winsome

While it is generally agreed that certain topics should be avoided at holiday gatherings, one topic that is sure to bring a smile to everyone's face is Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I held another fire drill at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I was determined to beat the fifty-two minutes it took to get the patients out last week. To fix two major causes of delay from last time, I put Mrs. Henley in charge of helping retrieve Mrs. Patterson's possessions from their secret spots, and put Mrs. Kunkel in charge of helping to guide Mr. Pearlman out of the building. This strategy worked! The patients made it out in only forty-four minutes, a new Birch Street Nursing Home fire drill record.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If the person you are accused of raping is obese, be wary of using "She is too fat to rape" as your defense, particularly if the judge is also on the chunky side.

A Tip From Edward

If your van is low on gas, bring the children to you by drawing a hopscotch court with chalk on the sidewalk in front of your house.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Before making an expensive purchase, first see if a terminally ill relative already has the item.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, some people leave their curtains open at night in order to show off their Christmas trees. You can use this opportunity to take a peek at what else they may have inside.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Avoid dates with airplane crash survivors. You'd be surprised to learn how very small the settlements are that they receive from the airlines. Also, many never want to fly again, so exotic trips for two are likely out of the question.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, the first thing I did was give Mrs. Henley the new dress that Grandmother helped me sew. I know she liked it, because she exclaimed, "Oh my, I've never seen such large flowers before!" That was the high point of the day. Later in the morning, we held our second fire drill, and I was sad to find that this one took even longer than the one last week. It was fifty-two minutes before all the patients made it out to the front lawn. This was partly Mrs. Patterson's fault, because she insisted on gathering all of her possessions before leaving her room so that Mrs. Shimshack couldn't steal them. It was also partly due to Mr. Pearlman's tumble down the stairs in the panic after I yelled "Fire!" I hope they'll do better next week.

A New Dress For Mrs. Henley

Today I came straight home after school to work on Mrs. Henley's new dress to replace the one that had been damaged during last month's fire at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Sewing the bed sheets together was more difficult than I had expected, so I went down to Grandmother's laboratory to ask for help. Grandmother had done such a great job on my cat costume a few years ago that I figured this project would be a piece of cake for her. I showed her the pattern I had drawn, and at first Grandmother thought I had made a mistake, that Mrs. Henley could not possibly be that large. But once I assured her of Mrs. Henley's size, Grandmother and I got to work on the dress, and we had it finished in very little time.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Now that the cold weather is here, store some heavy blankets in your car. That way, you'll be able to keep warm if your car breaks down on a secluded road.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If the authorities question you in a missing persons case, be careful not to refer to the missing person in the past tense. Lines like "I loved her so much" and "She meant everything to me" will certainly raise suspicion.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday I had the day off from school and used the time to look for a new dress for Mrs. Henley to replace the one I used to put out the fire a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't find one big enough and in a pattern that she would like, so instead I purchased bed sheets with large, bright flowers on them, and will sew the dress together myself. At the Birch Street Nursing Home today, I held a fire drill so that everyone will be prepared in case Mr. Pearlman tries to cook again. It took forty-five minutes to get the patients out of the building. Part of the problem was Mrs. Patterson, who did not want to leave her room, saying that the fire drill was a trick by Mrs. Shimshack to lure the patients outside so she could go in and steal everyone's possessions. Also, Mrs. Macmillan didn't hear the bell I rang, so I wrote "Fire!" on a piece of paper and held it up to her face. That worked. The only one left in the building was Hazel, who wouldn't move from her chair. Forty-five minutes is a long time for a fire drill. I think by the end of the year we can get that time down to thirty-five.

Winsome Family Thanksgiving Message, 2019

Happy Thanksgiving, Kiddies! We here at Winsome Headquarters got a late start on our holiday celebration because I was on a roll down in my basement working on an important new experiment. But now we've had our big meal, and each member of the Winsome Family has said what he or she is thankful for this year. Here is what a few members of the family had to say:

Jane is thankful for relaxed return policies during the holiday season.

Edward is thankful that the dry cleaners were able to remove most of the stains from his Santa Claus outfit.

Cindy is thankful she was able to make some new friends this year, Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

And I am thankful for the growing number of Grandmother's Fanny Game fans all over the world. Keep those letters and emails coming, Kiddies!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

Happy Thanksgiving! I was able to put in a full day at the Birch Street Nursing Home without fear of missing any of the Winsome holiday celebration, because Grandmother has decided to put off our big dinner until later this evening after she finishes up some special work in her laboratory. Following Grandmother's Thanksgiving tradition, I once again asked the patients what they are thankful for. Here is what some of them said:

Mr. Oliveras is thankful that he hasn't tripped since the fire extinguisher went missing last month.

Mrs. Henley is thankful that this month's fire didn't damage the medicine supply.

Mrs. Kunkle is thankful that she is back on her feet and able to touch all the windows and light switches herself.

Mrs. Lowe is thankful that her son will be arriving at any moment to take her back home.

Mr. Pearlman is thankful that his current guide dog has not bitten him or run away.

Mrs. Patterson is thankful that she has been able to thwart Mrs. Shimshack's recent attempts to get back into the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Mrs. Macmillan wrote that she is thankful she can't hear Mrs. Patterson.

Mr. Matthews is thankful for the brilliant idea he just got for a sequel to his story about Mr. Matthers and Candy.

Hazel, as usual, was not responsive, but I am certain she is thankful for the ray of sunlight through her window.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Henley was wearing the dress I had used to put out the fire last week, even though it now has several large burn holes. I had never seen so much of Mrs. Henley. I decided that I will use some of the money I've made from my job at the Birch Street Nursing Home to purchase a new dress for her.

Spread The Word

If you're a sign language interpreter and are working at a televised press conference, during the less important details tell all your deaf viewers to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today there was a small fire at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I remembered to follow the head nurse's instructions for emergencies and did not call the fire department. I was able to put it out myself by smothering it with one of Mrs. Henley's dresses. Mrs. Patterson says that Mrs. Shimshack was trying to burn her way into the Birch Street Nursing Home to steal her few remaining possessions, but I'm pretty sure the fire was started by Mr. Pearlman trying to cook again.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Volunteer to work on the holidays, when employers offer time-and-a-half pay. You can explain to your family that you're doing it for the extra wages, not to get out of family holiday activities.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When getting on an elevator, immediately step to the back corner. Then politely ask one of the other people to press the button for your floor. Thus, you'll avoid leaving your own fingerprints behind.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Walking with a limp will likely get people to hold doors open for you, allowing you to enter buildings without leaving your fingerprints.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I found that Mrs. Kunkle was confined to her bed. She told me that during the week she had thrown her back out and still couldn't move. Seeing that she was suffering, I offered to go through the building and perform her routine of touching all the light switches and windows for her. She accepted my offer and thanked me seven times. After the third loop, I avoided Mr. Matthews' room and instead went to Mrs. Henley's room twice.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When digging tunnels under your house, be mindful not to compromise the structural integrity of the foundation.

A Tip For Students

When taking an exam, each time you are unsure of an answer, simply jot down one of your favorite Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living. The teacher will likely be so appreciative she will not deduct any points. She may even give you a few bonus points.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Read all posted signs before dumping the bodies, Kiddies!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, my list of chores included taking down the Halloween banner I had put up in the activity room for last week's party. The head nurse noted that as long as the banner was up the patients demanded candy. She also told me to put the bulbs back in the lights in the activity room, to remove the small branches from the end of Mr. Pearlman's walking cane, and to take the bed sheet off of Hazel.

Daylight Saving Time Reminder

Remember, Kiddies, daylight saving time ends tonight, so schedule those important activities between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. You’ll have an extra hour to get them done.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you have any deformed relatives that you normally keep in the attic, let them out on Halloween night to scare the children. That will allow the maid a chance to air out the room.

A Halloween Tip From Cindy

If you have limited time to trick-or-treat, hit the houses with the biggest Halloween displays in their front yards. The bigger the display, the more candy the family will offer to trick-or-treaters.

Grandmother Winsome Pardons A Cat

Kiddies, it has become something of a tradition here at Winsome Headquarters to celebrate National Cat Day by releasing one of my many test subjects. So today I let Cat 006619 back out into the world. Its shark teeth implants and burn marks should scare predators away until it can regain its strength and limp across the road to a good hiding spot. Happy National Cat Day!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Streeting Nursing Home

Today we had our Halloween party in the activity room at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I dressed up as a mummy to give the patients a good scare. I had expected all the patients to dress up too, after I had made the special announcement last week about the festivities, but most of them had forgotten all about it during the week. Of the few that did dress up, Mrs. Kunkle went as the head nurse, carrying an empty wine bottle and constantly telling the others not to bother her with their problems, and Mr. Matthews went as Mr. Matthers, the character from his short story. He kept calling me Candy, the other character from his story, hoping I would play along and wear the little bathing suit he had found. But I told him it would take too long to get out of my mummy costume. Mr. Pearlman had the witch's broom I had made for him from his walking cane, but even after I struggled to get Sniffles The Seventh into his cat costume, I could not convince the seeing eye dog to stand near Mr. Pearlman. Hazel had the ghost costume I had made. Unfortunately, she refused to move from the chair in her room and join the others, so I just draped the sheet over her, making sure that the holes I had cut out for eyes were facing the window. Even though Mrs. Henley didn't have a costume, she seemed to have the best time of all the patients, eating extra portions of the medicine that I had painted to look like candy corn and teasing Mrs. Patterson about the return of Mrs. Shimshack from the grave. Mrs. Patterson was the only party-goer who seemed to actually get scared. To make the place spookier, I had removed all the light bulbs from the activity room, but most of the patients fell asleep before it was dark anyway.

A Halloween Tip From Edward

Instead of keeping the candy in a bowl by the door, put it in your pants pocket and let the children reach in for a treat.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When exhuming a body, you must provide a substantial reason for doing so. Apparently, "to use the corpse in my Halloween display" is not accepted in certain areas.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Moving into a house widely believed to be haunted will provide you with a ready-made excuse for any strange and unexpected deaths that may occur there.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last year I had to work on Halloween, and missed my chance to go trick-or-treating. So this year I am planning the Birch Street Nursing Home Halloween party for next Saturday, leaving the 31st free. Today I told the patients they had one week to put together their costumes. I realized that Mr. Pearlman, who is blind, and Hazel, who rarely moves, would have trouble making costumes, so I decided to make them myself. I sneaked into Mr. Pearlman's room while he was napping and took his white cane. I glued tiny branches to one end of it so that it looks like a witch's broom. Every witch should have a black cat, so for his seeing eye dog, Sniffles The Seventh, I made a black cat costume using some of the cat skins I have in a box in my laboratory. This took longer than I expected, so for Hazel, I decided to do something simple. I took the sheet from her bed to use for a ghost costume. Where the two largest stains were, I cut out holes for her eyes. Once I finished those costumes, I used what time I had left to begin making other preparations. I took the patients' medicine and painted it to look like candy corn, and then created a large banner to hang in the activity room. In orange letters, the banner says, "Happy Halloween!"

Edward's "For Your Information"

Parents routinely dismiss it when their children tell them they saw a man under their bed, believing it was just a bad dream.

Winsome Family History: October 16, 1966

It was on this day fifty-three years ago that I took advantage of the new National Historic Preservation Act to keep the government from digging up the land where Winsome Family Headquarters was located. In those early days, we often buried evidence right at the site of our headquarters. Thankfully, we still had those old dinosaur bones that Hotfoot McGraw had stolen from a museum years earlier. They finally paid off when we declared that they had all been found at the Winsome Family Headquarters site. Those bones not only explained to the authorities why the land around the building had clearly been dug up, but also were enough for it to be declared an important archeological landmark. By the time the authorities got wise, all the evidence had been moved to another location, as had Winsome Family Headquarters.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you work as a doctor in the geriatrics department, tell your patients to keep their minds fresh by reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog every morning.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If a loved one has died, save money on the funeral by getting a used coffin. You can hide the scratches and scuff marks made by the crowbar when you forced open the coffin by covering them with "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers.