Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I have officially designated my ice cream truck as a safe place to drop off unwanted children. However, please keep in mind that I will not be accepting any ugly, overweight or otherwise damaged children.

Fanny Mail: Another Fan's Experience With Baby Boxes

Kiddies, it is always a delight to hear from my fans. I'm continuing to receive quite a bit of Fanny Mail about the baby boxes that were first mentioned in an email in mid-August. Today I received an email from Tammy Jo Brown of Knoxville, Tennessee. Tammy Jo writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, like many of your fans, I was excited to learn about the baby drop-off boxes. My husband and I looked into it a little further, and discovered there is a stipulation that the baby must be unharmed. That seems unfair. Is there another place where we can take injured babies? In the meantime, we did what we could to make our baby appear as unharmed as possible. We even tied his arm back on with some twine, and put a sweater on him to hide the puncture marks."

Sweetie, I believe they put that stipulation in there only because it is easier for them to find homes for babies that are in perfect condition. But it does sound like you did everything you could to help, cleaning it up as much as possible before slipping the baby inside the box. I am sure your efforts will be appreciated. And remember, this action is anonymous anyway, so you have nothing to worry about.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Mrs. Patterson wasn't at the poker table today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. For the third week in a row, she had barricaded herself in her room, and she spent most of the morning shouting about how Mrs. Shimshack had been calling her name in the middle of the night. Mrs. Lieberman brought out the old radio and turned up the volume to drown out the noise. But this also meant I had to once again ask Mr. Matthews to join the poker game. This time he said he couldn't go downstairs without first bathing, and he handed me a small sponge.

Fanny Mail: Another Fan Chimes In About Baby Boxes

A recent Fanny Mail from Cheryl Teagarden has really been a hit with my fans. I just received another email about it, this time from Sophia Gomez of Scottsdale, Arizona. Sophia writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I are big fans of your blog. And like fellow-fan Tiffany Baines, we were shocked to learn from Cheryl Teagarden's Fanny Mail that you can drop off unwanted babies at fire stations. Over the years, my husband and I have had to come up with all sorts of ways to get rid of our children, and are thrilled to learn that there is a legal way to do it. When our next child is born, we'll know just what to do with it."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I am always glad when my blog can be of such great help.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, according to a new article I read today, drinking two or more cups of black tea a day lowers your risk of death from all causes. So if you are on death row, be sure to order two cups of black tea with your last meal and keep your fingers crossed.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson remained barricaded in her room again. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me it was too dangerous to leave her room. She said that Mrs. Shimshack now has an accomplice. I didn't bother trying to convince her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for several years, so she couldn't possibly have any accomplices. It was clear anyway that I was going to have to ask Mr. Matthews to join our poker game again. He agreed, but told me I would first have to massage his sore thighs before he'd be able to make it down the stairs.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, don't lick your envelopes. You never know when your DNA could play a part in a criminal case. Instead, have your undocumented maid do it for you. Or, if you are between maids at the moment, spend the extra money for the peel-and-stick envelopes.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I was expecting to find Mrs. Patterson out on the front lawn again, claiming to have seen the dead Mrs. Shimshack. But I was pleasantly surprised when there were only squirrels running around out there. However, Mrs. Patterson also wasn't at the poker table. She had barricaded herself in her room, saying that Mrs. Shimshack was getting too close. Mrs. Lieberman said we needed another player, and suggested I go upstairs to try to convince Mr. Matthews to join us. He agreed, but first I had to help him put on his pants.

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Reaction To Baby Boxes

Kiddies, it is always a joy to read your letters and emails. Today I received an email from Tiffany Baines of Lebanon, Ohio. Tiffany writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I read your Fanny Mail post yesterday, and was shocked to learn that you can drop off unwanted offspring at the fire department. I didn't know we had that option. Last night I investigated my local fire station, and sure enough, there was a baby drop-off box attached to the outside wall. Well, someone needs to tell the people in charge to make those boxes a lot bigger. It took me nearly an hour to stuff my five-year-old son Gerald inside, and even then, I noticed his right foot was still hanging out as I drove away. But I suppose I shouldn't complain, because things are a lot quieter around here today. I even had time to lie out on the deck and catch some rays."

Tiffany, I'm glad yesterday's post provided so much help, and that you're having such a good day. And, Sweetie, I agree that you shouldn't bother lodging a complaint with the fire chief. There isn't much point to it unless you have some other larger children you'd like to drop off.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Pennsylvania

Kiddies, today I received an email from Cheryl Teagarden of Slovan, Pennsylvania. Cheryl writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I have a couple of unwanted babies I was thinking of dropping off at the fire station. The problem is their father is a fireman, and I am afraid he'll cause a scene. I am trying to cut back on the amount of drama in my life, which is why I am getting rid of the children in the first place. What should I do?"

Well, Cheryl, one option is to drive to the fire station of a nearby town. Because even if you went to the local station at a time when your husband isn't working, someone there might recognize you or the children. Just keep in mind that sometimes firefighters of several towns come together to fight an especially large fire, so you might need to drive a good distance before you can feel confident that the firefighters there won't know your husband. So perhaps it's best to consider alternatives. One idea is to take the babies to the local hospital, which is another location that does not require you to reveal your identity or that of your children. You could also drop them off at a daycare center, where the workers know how to take care of children. If those options don't work for you, another idea is to take the babies to a flea market. Perhaps you could swap them for an attractive floor lamp.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson was at it again. She was outside, bent over the front lawn, running her fingers through the grass. When I told her she needed to go inside, she grabbed my arm and pointed to a spot where the grass looked worn and told me that this is where she saw Mrs. Shimshack standing last night. I reminded her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for years, and told her that the poker game will be starting soon, so if she doesn't want Mr. Tanaka to take her seat, she'd better get moving. It didn't work, and Mrs. Patterson kept staring at the ground. I went in to tell Mrs. Lieberman to start the first hand without me, then took Mrs. Patterson across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery to look at Mrs. Shimshack's grave. But even this didn't work. Mrs. Patterson said that Mrs. Shimshack wants us to think she's dead so we'll let down our guard. I gave up and told her to join the rest of the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home when she gets hungry. Five minutes later, she was inside.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your date asks which pronouns he should use for you, tell him to use whatever ones excite him the most.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I took my new, larger ice cream truck for its first spin this weekend, and am pleased with its performance. I realize it will be several years before all those extra children now coming into the world are old enough to purchase ice cream, but it's good to be prepared. And besides, I was able to make use of that extra space already.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson was outside, looking in the bushes at the edge of the road. She had Sniffles The Eighth with her, but the dog wasn't very interested in whatever Mrs. Patterson was searching for. I reminded her that patients were not supposed to be outside on their own, but she didn't pay any attention to me. Instead, she pulled on the cord she was using as a leash to try to get Sniffles The Eighth to investigate the bushes. So I went over to see what she was up to. Mrs. Patterson said that last night through her window she saw Mrs. Shimshack crouching in the bushes with a pair of binoculars. So now she was using the dog to catch Mrs. Shimshack's scent. I could tell Mrs. Patterson wasn't in a good frame of mind, so I didn't bother trying to convince her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for several years. Instead, I told her that she should go check her room to make sure that Mrs. Shimshack hadn't sneaked inside while she was out. That worked. In fact, she dropped the cord in her rush to get inside. Later, when I went to open the drapes in the activity room for the poker game, I learned just where Mrs. Patterson had gotten that cord.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you've put on some extra weight during the pandemic, and your date appears bothered by it, tell him you deliberately put on weight in order to audition for a plum role in a local theatrical production, and now that the play has wrapped, you'll soon be back to your normal weight of 118.

Revisiting A Popular Grandmother's Fanny Game Post

Kiddies, each day I have Cindy crunch the numbers on fan activity regarding the blog. This week one old post in particular has been getting a lot of views, especially in southern states: Poll Results: What Is The Most Enjoyable Way To Induce A Miscarriage?

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was an uneventful day at the Birch Street Nursing Home. There were no fireworks, no squirrels running around inside, and no gusts of wind blowing the cards from the poker table. There was nearly a bit of excitement when Mr. Pearlman lost his footing coming down the stairs, but this time he was able to grab hold of the railing to keep from falling.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

One way to dispose of evidence is to put it into a car that is about to be crushed at a junkyard. Just tell the guy you think you left your sweater in whatever vehicle is about to be destroyed, and when you go pretend to look for it, drop the evidence anywhere inside.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I found the perfect new ice cream truck. It has much more room in the back than my old one, so I'll be able to store a lot more ice cream for all the new children who will soon be coming into the world. Then in winter, when the ice cream truck becomes the traveling massage parlor, I will be able to fit a second bed in there, so I can service those extra children year round.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Things got a little crazy this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home when our poker game was interrupted by an unexpected guest. It was a beautiful day, but there was a strong breeze and we didn't want to risk the cards being blown off the table again, so we decided to keep the poker game inside. However, we did prop the door open to get a little fresh air. But we got something extra too. Mrs. Henley suddenly stood up and shouted that there was a rat. Before I could tell her it was just a squirrel, she threw her cards at it. Sniffles The Eighth then started barking and chased the squirrel upstairs, where it got into Mr. Pearlman's room. The barking startled Mr. Pearlman, who then fell out of bed. Sniffles The Eighth eventually chased the squirrel back outside and we closed the door. When we picked up Mrs. Henley's cards, we saw that she had a full house. But Mrs. Lieberman said that hand was void because of the disturbance, and she reshuffled the cards.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you've published any work on how to commit a certain crime, don't then go committing that very crime. It makes the authorities' job much too easy.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Happy 16th of July! Today we celebrated the new holiday at the Birch Street Nursing Home with hot dogs, macaroni salad and cotton candy. I skipped the baked beans after Mrs. Henley had some troubles on the last holiday. After we ate, we all went across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery to enjoy Mrs. Lieberman's fireworks display. The show wasn't nearly as long as on the 4th of July, but everyone had a good time.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you have put on weight during the pandemic, you might not want your date to get too good a look at you. So when you take him home, keep all the lights off. And if he asks why, just tell him that lights often give you a migraine, which would take you out of the mood. He won't ask again.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I'm going to be prepared for the additional children that will soon be coming into the world. This week I started looking at larger ice cream trucks. Other ice cream truck drivers must have had the same idea, given the low inventory at every dealership I visited. But I still have time, because those new customers won't be around for at least another nine months.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today during the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were talking about what a wonderful time they had at the Birch Street Cemetery on the 4th of July. Mrs. Henley asked me when the next holiday was. I told her the next big holiday is Halloween, but it's a few months away. She and the other patients seemed disappointed at having to wait. During a bathroom break between hands, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and told me she had a few firecrackers left over from Monday. So when the others got back from the bathroom, I announced that we were going to have a new holiday next Saturday, the 16th of July, and there would be more food and fireworks. Everyone was happy.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

After two years of dating online because of the pandemic, your body might not be in its best shape. So if you're hoping to meet that special man at a party where strip poker might be played, be sure to wear several layers of clothing. And remember, in strip poker pieces of jewelry count, so wear a few necklaces, bracelets, two pairs of earrings and a ring on each finger. Even with terrible cards, you should be able to avoid showing your belly.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

During your confirmation hearings for Supreme Court justice, tell Congress that you wouldn't think of submitting any written legal opinions without first running them by Grandmother Winsome.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today we had our big holiday celebration at the Birch Street Nursing Home. It took me a little longer to get there, because I was carrying several bags of food. By the time I arrived, the patients had already set up the poker tables outside, and we used one table for the food. Mrs. Henley had several helpings of baked beans before we'd even finished our first hand of poker. But the highlight of the day was the fireworks display. Mrs. Lieberman's connection really came through this year, with some powerful rockets and exploding stars. However, the first one Mrs. Lieberman lit went off sideways, and nearly set the tree in the front yard on fire. So we moved everyone across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery. There we ate cotton candy, and enjoyed the show.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman announced that her connection in the fireworks industry had come through for her again. And so the patients are looking forward to an exciting 4th of July celebration. The head nurse left me a note saying that she and the other nurses are taking the holiday off, so I will be in charge that day. With the extra holiday pay, I am going to buy hot dogs, baked beans, potato salad and cotton candy for all the patients.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

When you are on a first date and find yourself ill-prepared for the type of questions the man asks, such as what is your favorite book, one tactic is to pretend to be hard of hearing. That way, while your date is repeating the question, you can be coming up with your answer.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

After being out on the road all weekend, I had a chance today to catch up on the news. And it looks like a good time to purchase a larger ice cream truck so that I can be ready to service all those additional children that will be coming into the world.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last week at the Birch Street Nursing Home, we had to play without the 3 of Clubs after a gust of wind blew it away. Mrs. Lieberman kept saying the game just wasn't right if we didn't have all the cards. So this week I went to the store to pick up a fresh deck to surprise her. Mrs. Lieberman was so happy, and insisted on shuffling the cards immediately. After she won the first three hands, Mrs. Lieberman was even happier.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

The pandemic is ending and we are back to dating in person rather than online, so before you go on your date memorize a few subjects you can bring up to avoid those awkward silences, since it is no longer possible to have a list of topics just out of view.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was another beautiful day at the Birch Street Nursing Home, so we moved the poker tables outside again. We were all having fun until a sudden gust of wind blew Mrs. Henley's cards off the table. We spent nearly an hour trying to gather them, but we were never able to find the last card. So we played the rest of the afternoon without the 3 of Clubs.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

The pandemic is ending and we are back to dating in person rather than online, so keep in mind that your date will now realize if he doesn't have your full attention, making it much more difficult to send messages to other men on your favorite dating sites while your current date is speaking. So excuse yourself and run to the powder room before responding to those other men.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

 

If you're planning to get married and you're on a budget, you should be able to get better rates from wedding venues and caterers by scheduling your special day for Friday the 13th, when business is slow due to superstition. But don't push it. Be careful to avoid black cats, walking under ladders, breaking mirrors, opening umbrellas inside, knocking over salt shakers and putting shoes on the table. And between now and your wedding, be sure to respond to all chain letters you receive.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was excited on my way to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning because I thought there might be a new patient this week. I was prepared to welcome Seth's mother to our poker club and organize a walk to the Birch Street Cemetery. But no, the two rooms were still empty. Last week when he checked out the place for his mother, Seth said he was going to give it some thought, so maybe he's still thinking about it.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Now that the pandemic is ending, most people are back to dating in person rather than online. So remember, losing your internet connection is no longer an acceptable reason for canceling a date if a better man comes along. So it's time to go back to the tried and true excuse of having stomach troubles.

 

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My ice cream truck is back on the road. It's only the start of the season, but I've noticed a surprising trend among the cuter children. More and more, they've been requesting pistachio. So I am stocking my truck with as much of that flavor as possible. That means no room for cookies 'n' cream, which is all right because it's the fatter children who tend to choose that one anyway.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home there was an unexpected guest. A man named Seth stopped by to look at the place and ask some questions. He said he remembered seeing an ad in the local paper and came to see if there were still vacancies, and find out if it was the right place for his mother. I assured him that two rooms were available, since I didn't think Crystal and the other girls would return. He asked what sort of activities the nursing home has for the patients, and I told him about our poker club. Mrs. Henley boasted to him about the royal flush she had last week. Seth asked if the patients did anything else, and so I told him how we sometimes take walks across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery. He then asked if there was an adult in charge that he could talk to, and I told him not on Saturdays. Seth left soon after that, saying he would give it some thought.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your date's driver's license has been revoked or he just doesn't see well enough to drive anymore, and you're worried about catching the coronavirus, have him pick you up in a stretch limo rather than a cab so that you're farther away from the driver.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're not quite ready to dine in a crowded restaurant out of fear of catching the coronavirus, have your date reserve the banquet room for just the two of you.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A homeless encampment provides a perfect spot to unload incriminating evidence. Chances are whatever you drop off will be pawed through, resulting in several more sets of fingerprints on it. And the city will periodically clean up the entire area, hauling away all the garbage without looking into any of it too closely. So before contacting the mayor's office to complain about the homeless problem, think of the benefits of the camp's presence.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today Mrs. Henley got a royal flush! She was the first patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home to do so since the start of the poker club, and she celebrated with a second helping of medicine.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Hiding evidence under fresh cement might seem like a good idea, but it can be risky. Depending on the location, fresh cement could draw the authorities' attention, especially if they are already working on the missing person case. So pick your spot carefully, and once the cement is dry, dirty it up a bit to give it some age. And be sure not to let your children carve their initials and the date in the drying cement.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, some of the patients asked me if they could go outside again. They had such a good time last Saturday, and today wanted to go for a longer walk. I thought it was a great idea and suggested packing a lunch. So they packed up their medicine and some juice to wash it down, and soon we were on our way. I took Sniffles The Eighth with us. Even though he turned out not to be such a good seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman, most of the other patients like having him around. We weren't out nearly as long as I had expected because Mrs. Patterson suddenly started screaming. When I calmed her enough that she could talk, she said that with all of us gone except Mr. Pearlman, there was just a blind man guarding the Birch Street Nursing Home. She started pulling on my arm and said that Mrs. Shimshack has been waiting for a moment like this to sneak in and steal everyone's remaining possessions. I reminded her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for many years, but Mrs. Patterson refused to listen. So we went back to the Birch Street Nursing Home, where everything was fine, except Mr. Pearlman, who had taken another tumble down the stairs.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Now that the pandemic is over and people are dating in person again rather than online, remember that it's important to shave your legs and shower.

Fanny Mail: A New Baby Formula Recipe

Kiddies, you may have heard that there is a current shortage of baby formula. Well, long-time fan Gladys Proctor of San Diego has something to say about it. Gladys writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, a lot of people have been up in arms about the baby formula shortage, so I offered my own recipe. Sadly, it was rejected by nearly every cooking site I submitted it to. Most people just don't have a sense of humor anymore. Anyway, I thought your fans would appreciate it. Pour these items into a large bowl: one glass of chocolate milk, two cups of baby powder, half a cup of corn syrup, one stick of butter, a teaspoon of vanilla extract, and cinnamon to taste. Stir vigorously until your arm gets tired, then serve. It is best served chilled with a side of popcorn."

Thanks, Sweetie! I'm sure my readers, especially those with newborns, will get a kick out of this.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your activities take place in areas prone to drought, don't hide evidence in bodies of water.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was a nice day today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and Mrs. Kunkle suggested taking a break from poker and going outside. So I took the patients for a walk across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery.  We all had such a good time that when we got back, Mrs. Lieberman suggested we move the poker tables to the front lawn and continue our game there.