Hoping For A Little More Winter

It’s taking longer than I would have thought for the cat pelts to dry. I’d like to have them ready soon, so that Cindy can wear her new jacket before the weather gets too warm. The maid is standing by with her needle and thread, but the fur is still quite damp.

Fresh Cat Request Update

Thanks to the anonymous donor who mailed me a box of cats, I've been able to move forward with the Time Machine experiment. As you know, Buddy has not been located, and so I sent out a request for new test subjects. Two of the cats this kind fan sent met the experiment's inclusion criteria. I was also able to use the leftovers to address my long-standing question regarding how long it would take for cats to adapt to an aquatic lifestyle.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

If you're obligated to buy a gift for someone you don't like all that much, buy something that everyone else would love but that person would hate. That way the person can't even complain about the gift to anyone without looking foolish and petty.

Fanny Mail: A Legal Tangle

Kiddies, I am always delighted to hear from my fans. Today I received a letter from Ty Washington of Inez, Kentucky. Ty writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am writing to you because I am a big fan of your legal advice column on your blog. And because I am currently in prison. I was arrested for statutory rape. I defended myself in court, using the argument that I was born on February 29th, and so am technically only ten years old, actually a year younger than the girl I slept with. So how can it be statutory rape when the girl in question is actually older than me? And besides, it’s perfectly natural for me to want to spend time with others my age."

Well, Ty, your logic seems impeccable to me, so you should certainly appeal the court's decision. But remember, the law is a tricky thing. You're obviously quite intelligent for your age, but it might serve you better to act more like an average ten-year-old. After all, I don't believe ten-year-olds can serve long sentences in state penitentiaries.

Edward’s “For Your Information”

When conducting late-night surveillance on a child, it is a good idea to dress in some kind of monster costume. That way, if the child does happen to see you through his window and reports your presence to his parents, it is unlikely that they will believe him, and they will tuck him back into bed shortly.

Time Machine Update

Kiddies, as you know, I’ve had some success with my wonderful Time Machine experiment. Buddy entered the Time Machine on January 17, 2014, and disappeared to another time. What I haven't been able to determine is precisely where in the timeline he is. I've gone over my calculations in an attempt to locate the cat, and while I am still hopeful that he will show up, I do feel it’s now time for the experiment to move forward. And so I turn to you, my fans, for help.

I’m in need of fresh cats. If you have what you think is a worthwhile test subject, please contact me with a thorough description and photo of your cat. The stronger the cat, the better. Ones without pre-existing injuries are preferred.

Edward's "For Your Information"

If your job application has a space for aliases, remember you are not required, or advised, to be so forthcoming.

Cindy's Art Projects

Happy Valentine's Day, Kiddies! Cindy made this wonderful card for me, and I am delighted to share it with you all.

Searching For Cindy (A Little Late In New Zealand)

New Zealand’s a bit slow, Kiddies, and the folks there have just now learned of Cindy’s absence. I received this photo from Isabella, a kind resident. As you know, Cindy has already been found. But I've told Isabella not to take the poster down, just in case the little girl goes missing again. It can be difficult to keep track of children.

Poll Results: What is your favorite food to feed the homeless?

Kiddies, the responses are in on my newest poll. And for the first time there is a tie. Check out the results on my wonderful pie chart.

Fanny Mail: An Amusement Park Question

Today I received an email from Joanna Perillo of Irvine, California. Joanna writes: "Will riding a roller coaster cause a miscarriage? And what's the best roller coaster in Southern California?"

Well, Joanna, I don’t have enough personal experience with all of the roller coasters in that area, so I’m putting this question to my readers. Perhaps they will have some ideas. Whichever park you choose, be sure to enjoy yourself. By the way, having a few drinks beforehand will make the wait in line more pleasant.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Purchasing an old school bus doesn't automatically make you legally entitled to pick up whichever children you like.

Cindy's Art Projects

Hi, Kiddies! This week in school, Cindy's art assignment was to use heart shapes to create an image of a pet or a favorite animal. Just look at the wonderful picture she made of Buddy, the Time-Traveling Cat.

Fanny Mail: A Time Machine Question

Hi, Kiddies. As you know, I've been receiving quite a lot of letters and emails regarding my exciting new Time Machine experiment. Late last night I received an email from Edward. Edward writes: "Grandmother, I read about your experiment with Buddy, and I was wondering if you've tried to send other things through the time machine. Perhaps certain relatives have certain evidence they'd like to send far into the future."

Well, Edward, so far I've only tried it on cats. I'm not quite ready to test it on anything more valuable. There is still plenty of work to do before further testing commences. First I need to locate Buddy. He is the only one so far to have successfully navigated the journey through time, and I need to see if he's able to make the return trip.