A Message From Jane

We need to protect endangered species, particularly the ones that would provide us with beautiful fur coats. For example, if there were more snow leopards in the world, then it wouldn’t be as difficult for us to buy full-length coats made from their gorgeous furs. Help lift restrictions on fashion. Protecting animals helps us all.

Fanny Mail: A Relationship Question

Today I received an email from Hector Rodriguez.

Hector writes: “My girlfriend likes to leave the lights on when we make love. But that makes it much more difficult for me to fantasize that she’s my mother. How do I convince her to keep the lights out, and to say, ‘That’s a good boy, that’s a good boy’ when I please her?”

Hector, just tell her what you like. In my experience, being forward about one’s wishes always works best. And if the person doesn’t respond well, then you know she’s not the right one for you.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 20)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I visited Mrs. Chang at the Birch Street Nursing Home on Mother’s Day. Her family couldn’t make it, because they were busy going white water rafting.

A Tip From Edward

When girl scouts come to your door, it’s polite to invite them in to try some of your own cookies. 

Fanny Mail: A Children’s Medication Question

Today I received an email from Theresa Bellevue of Austin, Texas.

Theresa writes: “I know children’s medication is different from that of adults, but I’m having trouble finding sleeping pills specifically for children. Should I just give them adult-strength sedatives, but simply fewer of them? Will three suffice?”

Yes, Theresa, I think three should do the trick, assuming the children in question haven’t had a big meal.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 19)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I reminded them that they have absolutely no obligations.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Minutes Of The May 4th Meeting

I received a lot of questions about the last meeting, and so I have decided to release the minutes.

 

Fanny Mail: A Work-Related Question

Hi, Kiddies! This weekend I received a letter from Phillip Murray of Bethesda, Maryland. 

Phillip writes: "Due to my updated status on the Megan's Law list, I find that I'm not welcome at my job on Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day. That's fine. I can use the time off to surf the internet for cute girls. But now I've been informed I'm not getting paid for the day. What legal recourse do I have?"

Phillip, that certainly doesn't seem fair to me. If you're able and willing to go in to work that day, but can't because of their request, that is no mark against you. Though you have a good case, you probably don't want to take this to court, as that can be rather expensive. I suggest you simply shirk your duties on your next paid day. That should make you feel a bit better. And enjoy your day off!

A Fan's Submission

I'd like to thank Jennifer Kline of Akron, Ohio for responding to my Spring Cleaning announcement. As per my request, Jennifer sent this photo of her cat, Buddy. While Buddy is not right for any of my current experiments, I will certainly keep him in mind for future projects. By the way, what is that pink and white string attached to? I have a few ideas, and I'm curious to see which one is right.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 18)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I added sugar to all of the cereal in the Birch Street Nursing Home pantry.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Fanny Mail: A Party Question

Hi, Kiddies! Today I received an e-mail from Nicole Miller of Albany, New York.

Nicole writes: "I'm excited to be attending my friend Paul's Statute of Limitations Party this weekend. We've all been trying to guess the crime he committed, and he has dropped a few hints. For example, I know it's been at least five years. He's promised at the end of the festivities to reveal his crime, and whoever guesses correctly wins a prize. But as it's not yet been revealed, I'm not sure what sort of present I should give. Is there a gift that would cover a wide variety of felonies?"

What a great cause for celebration. I commend Paul on his originality and spirit. I agree it might seem difficult to choose an appropriate gift without knowledge of his particular interests. But I've put a lot of thought into this and have come up with a few ideas:

• fake passport
• chloroform
• police uniform

Or if you're low on funds, there is always the promise of an alibi.  That is something that's certainly appreciated.

And, Nicole, be sure to take a dessert too, perhaps a good coconut cake. Something everyone can enjoy.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 17)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I gave Mr. Matthews a haircut before his court hearing. 

Fanny Mail: An Insurance Question

Hi, Kiddies! This weekend I received a letter from Sylvia Templeton of Seattle, Washington.

Sylvia writes: "I just read that you can now purchase insurance for your pets, and I was wondering how much I would receive if something were to happen to one of my cats. Is it possible to put all of my pets on the same policy, or do I need to separate them by species? I'm thinking that if they're all on one policy, it would make it more convenient if, say for example, all of my pets were to perish in the same accident."

Well, Sylvia, I'm guessing you'd have to take out a different policy on each individual animal. Sadly, you probably wouldn't get much for one of your cats. But perhaps if you have a few exotic pets, you could receive a substantial amount if some unfortunate accident were to befall them.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 16)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I rubbed vapor salve on Mr. Matthews' chest when he came down with a sudden cough.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Fanny Mail: A Question About Twins

Hi, Kiddies! Today I received a letter from Melissa Driscoll of Stamford, Connecticut.

She writes: "I'm happy to have twins, but I was hoping they'd be conjoined. My husband and I have them stand very close together, but it's just not the same. What can we do?"

Well, Melissa, one idea is to create special clothing which would give them the appearance of being conjoined. Fitting them both into one large shirt or dress would force them to be together. You could even keep them together at night by creating special sleepwear. Of course that only helps to create the illusion of them being conjoined. If you wish to have them actually attached, you might require the services of a special surgeon or seamstress.  

Those viewers who have been in similar situations are urged to offer their solutions to Melissa. Of course, I encourage any of my fans with an innovative solution to write in.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 15)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I took a pillow from home to Mrs. Chang at the Birch Street Nursing Home, because her family had forgotten to pack one with her belongings.

Photos From The Set: Cast And Crew

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Fanny Mail: A Cat Question

Hi, Kiddies. Last week I received a letter from Steve of Minneapolis who asks, "Will shaving off my cat's whiskers make them grow in thicker?"

That's a really interesting question. Well, the preliminary results are inconclusive. So far they haven't grown back in at all. But it is still quite early, and if anything changes I will post an update here.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 14)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I caught some insects and a lizard and let them loose in the Birch Street Nursing Home for those patients who can't go outside to see wildlife any more.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Pretending to be deaf is an effective way to avoid having to give directions to an unattractive person.

A Treat From Grandmother Winsome

Hi, Kiddies! It's time to revisit a fan-favorite clip.

Cindy's Quarterly Report

Last December some of the Winsome Family members contributed their New Year's resolutions to my blog. Cindy's was to do one thing each week to cheer up the elderly. And she's been keeping up with it. She has even been posting weekly updates on my blog. For those of you who have been off conducting experiments and have missed some of her updates, here is a recap of what she has done so far.

Week 1: Cindy helped take down Christmas decorations at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Week 2: She scraped some gum off the park bench so the elderly would have a clean place to spend their days.

Week 3: She made up a fun dance routine and performed it for the elderly at the park. One old man liked it so much he asked her to do it again, but slower.

Week 4: While Sniffles, Mr. Pearlman's guide dog, was mending at the vet again, she helped out as a substitute, leading Mr. Pearlman around.

Week 5: Cindy smiled throughout Mrs. Shimshack's entire tale of her youth.

Week 6: She put on a puppet show at the Birch Street Nursing Home using some of the invalids' socks.

Week 7: She stayed up way past midnight talking on the phone with Mr. Matthews so he wouldn't feel lonely on the anniversary of his wife's death.

Week 8: She removed all the hair from Mrs. Shimshack's necklace.

Week 9: She helped scrub those hard-to-reach places on Mr. Pearlman's back.

Week 10: Cindy took Mrs. Chang on a nice long nature hike. This also gave Mrs. Chang's family the time they needed to pack up her belongings.

Week 11: She went to the Birch Street Nursing Home and changed all the patients' clocks for daylight-saving time. Many of them seemed surprised to learn they'd lost another hour. But she assured them it was true.

Week 12: Cindy went to the Birch Street Nursing Home and covered the patients' medicine bottles with smiley face stickers.

Week 13: She turned Hazel's chair so it faces the window.