Fanny Mail: End Of The Year Promotion

Kiddies, today I received an email from Walter Douglas of Lubec, Maine. Walter writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I run a funeral business, and I've started a new promotion. You know how the first baby born in the new year receives free diapers and so on? Well, in my promotion, the last person who dies locally this year gets free flowers at his or her funeral. Of course, the person has to have died by natural causes. No cheating by committing suicide. Please share this promotion with your many fans in Maine."

Delighted to help, Sweetie! I hope your business flourishes in the coming year. Happy New Year!

Grandmother Winsome's Christmas Message

Kiddies, I know this year has been trying, and the holidays are always a stressful time. But don't give up hope. Suicide is not the answer. The new year will bring many more Grandmother Winsome posts that you won't want to miss.

Fanny Mail: A Christmas Wish

Kiddies, today I received an email from Larry Hickey of Panama City Beach, Florida. Larry writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, for the Christmas season, I made a generous gift to a children's charity. But my child has yet to visit and thank me. It doesn't seem very Christmas-like for the child to get his wish while mine goes unfulfilled. I realize the child has to make the rounds, and I am willing to wait until New Year's Eve. After that, I feel I should get my money back. If I'm not going to get my Christmas wish, I'd just as soon put that fifty bucks toward repairs to my truck."

Well, Larry, if you feel you haven't received what you paid for, you can contact the Better Business Bureau. Or, to save you the time and hassle, just call your credit card company and tell them that an unauthorized charge was made on your card. They get so many calls during the holiday season that they'll probably reverse the charge without an investigation.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Though it is an exhausting commitment caring for a family member with Alzheimer's, there is the benefit of being able to save money on Christmas presents. Simply tell your loved one that Christmas was yesterday.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

A white elephant gift exchange at your office may seem like the perfect opportunity to dispose of evidence, but be careful. Crafty co-workers could, through a lengthy process of elimination, discover who gave the incriminating evidence. So be sure to wrap a second gift that you can claim as your own.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

If you're no longer able to keep your job as a department store Santa, set up a similar operation in your home. Decorate the front of your house and put out a sign indicating that it's Santa's other workshop. Since you'll now be your own boss in your own location, you can keep your favorite children on your lap as long as you'd like.

Luck At Mrs. Chang's Grave

Today, during my monthly cleaning of Mrs. Chang's grave, I found a penny. Allie says it's bad luck because it was tails side up, but Grandmother once told me that any money found is lucky.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Department store Santas are not expected to tip the children who sit on their laps.

Spread The Word

If your office has a Secret Santa party, wrap up a Grandmother Winsome bumper sticker for the person you draw.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Animals you hit with your car make delightful gifts for children interested in science.

Spread The Word: Thanksgiving Edition

If you attend one of those Thanksgiving dinners where each person has to say what he or she is thankful for, be sure to tell those present you are thankful for Grandmother Winsome's advice.

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, Kiddies, leaving the country doesn't mean you're leaving Grandmother Winsome behind. For those moving to Canada or elsewhere, I am still a simple email or letter away.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, when you're marching in a protest, carry a second sign that reads, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog." And be sure to get close to the cameras!

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

In these troubled times, it's more important than ever to turn to Grandmother Winsome for advice. I am here for you, Kiddies!

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Write "Grandmother Winsome" on the wait list for a table at the busiest restaurant in your town. Then, when the hostess calls out "Grandmother Winsome," be sure to comment loudly, "Oh, this must be a good place if Grandmother Winsome dines here."

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When purchasing a baby monitor, be sure to ask the sales clerk about its range. Some models won't reach even three or four blocks down the road, so unless your neighborhood bar is right next door, you'll have trouble hearing if something goes wrong.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I am delighted with all the birthday messages I've been receiving today. I am especially pleased with those people who indicated which method they chose to help spread the word, as per my birthday wish. Margaret Avery of Chattanooga, Tennessee had Cindy's picture tattooed on her arm, while Thomas Brackett of Trenton, New Jersey read a dying man the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post as well as the last rites. Thanks, Kiddies!

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips

People expect to see weird and frightening stuff on Halloween. So use this time to clean out your basement.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Request

Kiddies, thanks to your generosity I have plenty of fur coats, and I have enough cats for the next several experiments. So for my birthday this year all I ask is that you help spread the word!

Here are some favorite ways to do just that:

• Put an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car or on the wall of your cubicle at work.
• Write to your mayor and demand that Grandmother Winsome receive a key to your city. 
• Choose a busy public place, and act out your favorite scenes from "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute."
• Hire a skywriting team to spell out "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog" over a football stadium this weekend.
• Have a picture of your favorite Winsome Family member tattooed on your arm. If you're afraid of needles, have it tattooed on your child's arm. 
• In your counseling sessions, during the word association game, always answer, "Grandmother Winsome."
• If you work as a shrink, tell all your patients that the only path to sanity is by following Grandmother Winsome.
• If you work in a Chinese restaurant, make sure all the fortune cookies read, "Grandmother Winsome has the answers." 
• If you work as a psychic, tell your customers that their deceased loved ones are urging them to follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. 
• If you work as a ventriloquist, kindly ask your dummy to tell his audience about Grandmother’s Fanny Game. 
• If you work in a computer store, be sure to have all of your display models set to the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog page. 
• When working for a suicide prevention hotline, just remind those prospective suicides that if they kill themselves, they'll miss the next Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update. 
• If you are into graffiti, mention Grandmother Winsome in your tags. But be truthful. If it's a crummy place, be sure to write, "Grandmother Winsome was not here." 
• When reading someone his last rites, also read him the latest Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog entry.
• When defusing a bomb in a public place, take a moment to pretend you're unsure how to proceed and shout, "Somebody contact Grandmother Winsome!" 
• When planting evidence in an unsuspecting neighbor's house, be sure to also bookmark the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog page on his computer. 
• Tell the parole board that you’ve now found Grandmother Winsome and so the State has no further worries.

Building Upon Successful Legal Advice

Kiddies, the response to my legal advice about disposing of evidence in bags of dirty diapers has been tremendous. If your neighbors don't throw diaper parties, like Tammy Pederson's do, you can follow the solution offered by Marlene Bannister, who is planning on adopting a baby or two to produce the necessary diapers. A message I received today from longtime fan Mr. Matthews asking that Cindy be sent over with an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker got me to thinking of another source of dirty diapers. So I've sent Cindy back to the Birch Street Nursing Home with a bumper sticker and an empty trash bag, with instructions to collect as many dirty diapers as possible.

Fanny Mail: Another Couple Helped By Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, I love when one of my blog posts strikes a chord with fans. Today I received an email from Marlene Bannister of Salt Lake City. Marlene writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I discovered your blog at the beginning of June this year, and have been following it faithfully ever since. We were struck by the legal advice you offered on October 9th, as well as by the response by Tammy Pederson on October 12th. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, and the diaper idea seems the perfect solution. We looked into the diaper party thing, but apparently none of our neighbors are into that, and we then discovered that it just isn't for us either. So we've decided to adopt a child in order to produce the necessary dirty diapers. Thank you once again for your excellent advice."

And thank you, Marlene, for your delightful message. I am always happy to help my fans. Let me offer you one more tip. As you indicated that the evidence you have is sizable, if you want to dispose of it in a timely fashion, you might consider adopting twins.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's nearly the end of another ice cream truck season, and one thing I've learned is that adults pay absolutely no attention to a man in an ice cream truck. Most of them just hand their kids a few dollars and send them on their merry way to purchase some treats. Adults might later be able to describe the truck, but certainly not anyone inside it.

Fanny Mail: Another Legal Advice Success Story

Kiddies, I am always tickled pink to hear from fans who put my advice into action! I want to share a delightful email that I just received from Tammy Pederson of Phoenix, Arizona. Tammy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I have long been bothered by our neighbor's diaper parties, not because of the strange characters that descend upon our neighborhood once a month, but because of the smell from the trash bags set out at the end of his driveway the next morning. In the Phoenix heat, the smell can become overbearing. My husband was going to have a talk with him about it Sunday, to request he leave the bags in his basement until trash pick-up day. But then we saw your excellent new legal advice regarding the use of diapers to dispose of evidence, and it occurred to us how these trash bags could be beneficial to us after all. Before the trash pick-up today, we were able to dispose of quite a bit of evidence. Your tip not only helped us in this regard, but also avoided a potential conflict with our neighbor. We now look forward to his next diaper party."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, an excellent place to dispose of evidence is in a trash bag full of dirty diapers. Even the police will have no interest in digging through that. Plus, the strong smell should mask any signs of chloroform or paint thinner or any other chemicals you might have used.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Purchasing an incubator will give you a nice, safe place to keep your infant while you're away on the weekends.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, keep a diary in which you relate all your stories as if they really happened. That way, you can review these stories to refresh your memory when needed. And, should it become necessary, you can produce the diary as evidence that you did what you claim. So be sure to surround those stories with normal routine stuff that you actually did, to make the book more credible. Include events like auto repairs and trips to the dentist, items that can be verified by impartial parties.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Keep a pillow and blanket under your desk at work for whenever you feel you need a nap. You might also consider storing a second blanket in a drawer which can be used as a curtain to keep out the sunlight and prying eyes.

Spreading The Word In San Francisco

Kiddies, brighten up your office with a Grandmother Winsome bumper sticker, just as this loyal fan did in San Francisco.

Loyal Fan Spreads The Word In North Hollywood

Kiddies, I am delighted with the overwhelmingly positive response to the "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers. I just received an email from an excited fan in North Hollywood, who now proudly displays the sticker on his vehicle, and even took a photo to share with me. I'm sure he'll be pleased that I'm sharing the photo with all his fellow fans.

Edward's "For Your Information"

School children become very confused and distracted when a fire alarm is pulled first thing in the morning.

Everyone Follows Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, I am delighted to be receiving requests from so many fans for the wonderful "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers! The reaction is even better than I'd expected. I've already mailed out several, and I've instructed Cindy to order more. Keep those requests coming, Kiddies!

Cindy Helps Spread The Word

Kiddies, I am so pleased with Cindy! When I came up from the basement moments ago, after tinkering with some cats, she presented to me her first art project of the school year. I was surprised and delighted with what she had created - bumper stickers that read, "I'm following Grandmother Winsome." What a great start to her school year!

Cindy's Art Projects

My first art project of the school year was to create an image of people helping each other in the community, but Grandmother told me that whatever I did had to help spread the word about Grandmother's Fanny Game. I wasn't sure what to do, and today the teacher reminded us that the projects are due Monday. Allie and I were hanging out in front of the school during lunch, and she pointed out the teacher's car, which had a bumper sticker about saving the whales. And that's how I came up with the idea of a bumper sticker that would help spread the word for Grandmother.

Cindy's Art Projects

Kiddies, Cindy just told me she was assigned her first art project of the new school year. The project has something to do with creating positive images of people in the community working together to solve a problem. But that, of course, wouldn't help spread the word about Grandmother's Fanny Game. So I changed her assignment, and now Cindy is tasked with finding a new way to help spread the word about my wonderful blog.

Results From Experiment 8377 (The Remote Control Experiment)

Kiddies, you might recall that back in July another cat experiment enthusiast attempted to access the data to my current experiment. In that blog entry, I promised that I would share the results as soon as the experiment was completed. Well, good new, Kiddies! I have just completed it. It took longer than usual, for this one required a full gross of cats, forcing me to rearrange some things in the basement to clear enough space for one hundred forty-four cat boxes. But the extra effort was well worth it.

As you are most likely aware, we already have tracking chips that can be inserted in animals so that we'll know where they are at all times. While this can prove useful in collecting data, I thought we could go further, and actually control the animals' movements. The idea was rather than simply knowing where the cats go, we tell them where to go. So I went to the local toy store and purchased several remote control cars, and began taking them apart to insert the pieces into cats.

One objective of the experiment was to maintain the natural look and abilities of the cats. So, for example, I discarded the cars' wheels rather than attach them to the cats' paws. Also, I didn't include headlights or a horn. And I didn't want the antennas to be noticeable, so I inserted them into the cats' tails.

While none of the cats moved any great distances, seventeen of the animals (11.8% of the sample size) twitched when I pressed the "Forward" button on the control panel. I found when I switched the cats into four-wheel drive, I got the best results - that is, the most twitching. Cat 098 twitched for nearly thirty-eight seconds while in four-wheel drive. This is quite promising, and an indication of the experiment's potential. Certainly, this experiment merits further investigation and more trials, for when it is perfected, the cats can be used for all sorts of things. They could remove or bury evidence, distract guard dogs to allow you easy access to a property, or perform reconnaissance work (with the simple addition of cameras built into their eyes). You could also cause a black cat to cross the path of anyone for whom you wish bad luck. Cat storage might be a problem of the past, because when this is perfected, you'll simply be able to turn your cats off when they're not needed.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! In your online dating profile, be sure to write "Dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome." This will also help you attract higher quality dates.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're homeless, be sure to leave enough room on your cardboard sign for the line, "Follow Grandmother Winsome."

Labor Day Negotiations With The Mexican Maid

After a morning spent in negotiations with my Mexican maid, I am pleased to announce we've come to a new arrangement. I have agreed to give her a 5% raise, provided she sign on for another five years. She'll now be making $2.10 an hour. This should put an end to her concerns about not being able to feed her many children. Of course, because of this increase in pay, I will be expecting more from her now. Excited about her first raise, the Mexican maid agreed to work today for free, which is good, because as I am nearing the end of an elaborate experiment, there is a lot of cleaning to do in the basement.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I've just discovered what a great game soccer is. The kids run their little hearts out, and the clock only stops at half time. By the end they are exhausted and in need of a nice cold treat from my ice cream truck. I will certainly be attending more soccer games from now on.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Nomenclature

Kiddies, earlier this afternoon I received an email from Isis of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Isis writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been in the stripping business for more than three decades, and I've never had any trouble attracting customers. Now suddenly I'm not getting as much work. And the few customers I do get are lousy tippers. My friend Lexi tells me there is a new terrorist group calling itself ISIS, and that is the cause of my troubles. She suggested I change my name to avoid any association with them. I've been around a lot longer than this terrorist group, and if anyone should change names, it's them. I've put a lot of money into my career, and my name is embroidered in many of my outfits. Do you think I should change my name?"

Well, Isis, your name is quite pretty, and while I understand your not wishing to part with it, it is always handy to have at least one or two other aliases available to you. You are welcome to any of the aliases that I no longer use. Good possibilities for you include Tulip, Jasmine DeCup or Mistress Ingrid. Or, if you'd prefer to stick with mythology, you could always choose the name of another goddess. How about Athena, or Venus, or even Hera? This also gives you an opportunity to try a new look, develop a new stage persona with different outfits. And when the silly trouble in the Middle East passes, you could always go back to using Isis.

Winsome Family History: Summer, 1944

Kiddies, it was seventy-two years ago, in the summer of 1944, that more than a dozen traveling carnivals got together to hold the Carny Games. The Olympics had been canceled, due to some troubles overseas, and so it was decided this would be a good way to fill a void and cash in on an unmet demand. Also, hundreds of athletes were looking for something to do, and so many of them participated, which helped draw even larger crowds. The first weekend did such great business that we took the games on the road, performing in front of thousands of people all over the country. The carnival that I was part of fared really well, winning many events, including juggling, knife-throwing and cat-hurling. I remember that the Barker Sisters alone brought home three gold medals, and our conjoined twins won the three-legged race by more than six seconds. By the end of the summer, two of the athletes had decided to become permanent members of our carnival. We replaced our aging Strong Man with an Olympic weight lifter, and we added a young gymnast to be a second contortionist, thus giving us an unusual double-contortionist act.

Cindy Returns To The Birch Street Nursing Home

Grandmother asked me to do a drawing for Mr. Matthews at the Birch Street Nursing Home. When I told Allie about it, she offered to help me. I was surprised, because Allie never once offered to help me with my community service last summer. Here is what the two of us came up with:

Allie said I should simply put the drawing in the mail and not go to the Birch Street Nursing Home, but Grandmother had promised I would drop it off to Mr. Matthews in person.

Fanny Mail: A New Request For Cindy

Kiddies, I just received another letter from longtime fan Mr. Matthews of the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Matthews writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am grateful to you for having sent Cindy to me to be my Valentine this year. We had a wonderful day. However, after that, my health declined, and I've been confined to bed. The one thing that has lifted my spirits is the Christmas tree drawing Cindy made for me last December, which is taped to the wall next to my bed. But now that the weather is warmer, and my health has improved enough to have a visitor, I feel a change of decor is in order. Please send Cindy to me with a drawing more fit for the summer season."

Mr. Matthews, I would be delighted to send Cindy to you. I believe she's out with a friend, playing in their tree house. But when she gets in, I'll set her to work on a new drawing for your wall.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My ice cream truck is available for private children's parties. The only requirement is that there must be at least a dozen children, no older than age eleven.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

A death in the family provides a valid excuse for avoiding almost any obligation. But remember, it must be used sparingly, and you should be certain to clean up all the evidence.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It's a good idea to start developing a few odd, but harmless quirks, to lay the foundation for a possible insanity defense, should the need for one ever arise.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When leaving messages in the guest sign-in books at national monuments, be sure to write, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Practice varying your handwriting, Kiddies, for each alias you use should have its own unique signature.