Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Choose a busy public place, and act out your favorite scenes from "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute."

This reminds me of my earliest forays into publicity, when I was just a teenager with the traveling carnival. I would choose one act and take it into town in the afternoon as a taste of what the people could enjoy that night. I usually chose Helen and Ellen because they were the most outgoing and friendly, while also being pretty, talented, and interesting to observe. Of all the conjoined twins I've met, they had the most impressive juggling act.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

During the winter, keep a blanket in your car in case of breakdowns. If trouble occurs on the back roads at night, you'll be happy to have it.

Winsome Family History: December 29, 1964

It was fifty years ago today that the first Winsome Family Headquarters was established. At that time, we were promised to soon be living in plastic laminated homes in electric cities, enjoying our 8-tracks. Oh, how the times have changed. We didn't have as much room then, so the experiments had to be kept rather small in scope. Plus, we had to deal with that pesky Declaration of Helsinki. Still, those were good times.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Rehydration

Kiddies, the day after Christmas I received an email from Wally Mitchell of Henderson, Nevada. Wally writes: "Is there a way to rehydrate a dead body? If not the entire body, is it possible to rehydrate just one small area? I really need the neck to return to its supple state."

Wally, I never keep a corpse around that long, so I'm not certain. But some of my fans may have a solution.

Can anyone help Wally? Please leave your comments below.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

At the beginning of this month I hit the road in my ice cream truck, which I recently re-fitted as a traveling massage parlor, because children get aches and pains too. This business venture is going even better than I'd hoped, and this past week in particular saw a lot of customers. Sadly, a few of them were adults, and so to deal with that problem I left the price for children at one dollar but have listed the adult price at two hundred dollars.

A Grandmother Winsome Post-Christmas Tip

Christmas is over, and it's now time to exchange those gifts for items you actually want. Keep in mind that this is the one time of the year when stores do not expect or require you to have a receipt in order to make an exchange, so this makes it a good time to unload other possessions you no longer want. The long lines will keep the clerks from looking too closely at whatever you wish to exchange, so provided the items appear new, you should have no trouble.

Glenn Is An Asshole

My experiment is over. Eight weeks of work, and what do I have to show for it? A popcorn popper. That's right. That's what Glenn made me drive out to the coffee shop to retrieve this morning. That's the gift he gave me. Not the necklace. The necklace that he all but promised me. What happened? Glenn couldn't give a reasonable explanation. Clearly this shows that dating just one man isn't the way to go after all. Next year I'll date as many men as possible.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Christmas Eve Update)

I just got a hold of Glenn on the phone. He said he does have my gift, but can't meet me until the 26th. Of course I am willing to wait one more day for such a gorgeous necklace.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #8)

Christmas is almost here, and this year I am eager to receive a substantial gift. On Halloween I began my holiday experiment, in which I'm dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas. I spent the first several weeks carefully laying the groundwork. During the sixth week, I showed Glenn some choice pieces of jewelry in catalogues, and he indicated his interest in one necklace by telling me, "That is nice." Then last week we simply met for lunch, which provided more evidence that he was saving up his money for the necklace.

This week, Week #8, Glenn told me he was quite busy. And indeed he must have been, for it took him several days to return my call. And when he did, on Thursday, it was to let me know that his weekend was completely booked. I offered to meet him for lunch on Friday, but he told me that's when his office was holding its annual party. Not wanting to be too demanding so close to the big day, I then mentioned the possibility of even meeting him for his bowling night Friday, but he told me he wasn't going to make it this week, because that was the only time he had to do his shopping. And as he didn't invite me along, it became obvious to me that that was the time he planned to purchase the necklace. I can't wait for Christmas. Today I've been practicing my surprised look in the mirror, for when I open his thoughtful gift.

A Grandmother Winsome Christmas Tip

If you're unsure what to get someone for Christmas this year, keep in mind that one gift that is always appreciated is the promise of a strong alibi.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #7)

This is the seventh week of my holiday experiment, in which I am dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas in order to get a substantial gift. Last week Glenn unintentionally revealed the expensive necklace he intends to purchase for me for Christmas. So this week I wasn't all that upset when he said he was only able to meet me during the week on his lunch break. Because I now am certain that he is saving up his money to buy that great gift for me.

As part of my plan to reinforce his excellent choice of gifts, I wore a pretty dress with a low neckline, but without a necklace. Ordinarily I wouldn't be seen in public with a low neckline and no necklace, but the circumstances called for it. Glenn cleverly avoided mentioning the necklace, so clearly he wishes it to be a surprise. But I carefully brought up the subject of jewelry several times, and it seemed that one of those times he winked at me. This is shaping up to be a very merry Christmas indeed.

Spread The Word

Spread the word, Kiddies! Don't pass by a wet slab of concrete without using a stick to write, "Visit the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #6)

This is the sixth week of my holiday experiment, in which I'm dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas. I accepted two dates from Glenn this week to make up for the one we missed last week. So I am now back on track to meet the quota of eight dates before the big gift day.

I was able to get a hold of Glenn Tuesday night, and he agreed to meet for a drink Wednesday after he got off work. It was a brief date, and he didn't spend as much money as I'd planned. But I've decided that is all right, as it was a mid-week date.

Glenn wasn't available on Saturday, so for our second date, we met again for bowling Friday evening. Though it wasn't a fancy date, I was able to make use of it by bringing along some magazines and a few catalogues. Between frames, I pointed out some stylish items that I admired. Glenn might have inadvertently given away a hint of his purchase plans, because he all but ignored the first few items I pointed out to him, but then, regarding a particularly fine piece of jewelry, he said, "That is nice." So that he wouldn't forget, I slipped that catalogue, folded open to that page, into his bowling ball bag.

I'll make good use of the remaining two weeks to reinforce the idea that this necklace is the perfect choice for my Christmas gift.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

It can be dangerous to let your child ride in the trunk of your car, because someone could rear-end you. So if safety is a concern, have him or her wear a bicycle helmet.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #5)

This was the fifth week of my holiday experiment, in which I am dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas in order to get a special gift. Unfortunately, Glenn was unavailable this weekend. And as I couldn't find him at his favorite bowling alley Friday evening, I can only assume his absence was due to family obligations for the Thanksgiving holiday. Especially as things went so well last weekend. I will ask him about it when I'm able to get a hold of him, and I'll let him make it up to me this coming week by accepting two dates from him.

For those of you who are dating, don't be concerned if you didn't receive a nice gift for Thanksgiving, as it is not a traditional gift-giving holiday.

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Advice: Wrapping Up

Kiddies, several of you have written to me, concerned about the Thanksgiving holiday and the stress of having guests in your home. Well, Grandmother is here to help. Here are several ways you can let your guests know it’s time for them to leave after Thanksgiving dinner.

• Burn the dessert 
• Turn up the music so people can’t hear each other  
• Turn off the furnace
• Tell your guests the toilet is backed up 
• Tell them there have been a lot of car thefts at night in the area 
• Remind them of the great deals they can get at stores if they get up early enough
• Announce that it’s time for cleanup 
• Bring up old conflicts
• Talk about your money problems 
• Say you’ve run out of alcohol 
• Turn off the lights

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Advice: Conversation Topics

Kiddies, I've received many messages the past week from fans seeking help in coping with the Thanksgiving holiday. Last night I addressed concerns regarding preparations. Another concern is the Thanksgiving meal conversation. We’re often told of topics to avoid. But which topics should we pursue? Well, Grandmother is here to help. Here is a list of conversation topics which will be interesting without leading to conflicts.

• Why it’s important to have sunglasses with you even on a cloudy day  
• Why light bulbs are suddenly more expensive 
• What you would name a street were it up to you
• How photography is now a more affordable hobby
• The resurgence of vinyl records and whether it will last 
• The likelihood of ever having flying cars 
• Advantages of the metric system
• Why maps are still important 
• If you owned a sports team, the colors you'd choose for their uniforms 
• Candies that are no longer manufactured
• Places you might like to visit 
• What kind of bird you would like to be

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Advice: Preparations

I've received many messages regarding Thanksgiving, and the stress that goes along with it. Well, Grandmother is here to help. Here are several things to consider when preparing for the big day.

• Check to make sure your guests have no dietary restrictions
• Purchase a large mat to put just inside your door for all your guests' shoes
• Give your guests a firm start time, so they're not surprising you by arriving early 
• Make a mix CD of songs that will keep you in good spirits
• Keep to a minimum all food and drink that could stain 
• Make sure you have plenty of napkins
• Remove any breakables from your dining room and living room
• Designate one room in the house as off-limits by closing the door (This will be a room you can sneak off to in moments of need)
• Stock your off-limits room with a special stash of alcohol or other relaxation aids
• Remind yourself that Thanksgiving will be over soon

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #4)

My holiday is starting to look brighter. Last night I had my fourth date with Glenn, and I'm pleased to say that a lot of progress has been made. We didn't go bowling, as we did the first two dates. And the date didn't start at noon, as last week's did. This was a fully proper Saturday night date, with an elegant dinner at a restaurant with wait staff and utensils and cloth napkins. Glenn even picked me up, after I told him that my car had a flat tire.

The night went really well, and I even learned Glenn's last name. While I was glancing at the bill to get a tally on how much money he was spending, he placed his credit card down on it, and I was able to make out his entire name. I also noticed that the card is valid well into next year. This is important, in case I want to extend this experiment to my birthday. Of course, that all depends on what Glenn buys me for Christmas. But progress has been made, as he spent a large enough sum on this date, close to the amount of the three previous dates combined. So I'm now back on course to achieving my Christmas goal.

If you haven't picked a man yet, you still have a chance to attain that great gift. To get all eight dates in, which is the amount I calculated as necessary for receiving a substantial Christmas gift, set up two dates each week.  If necessary, you could allow for one mid-week date.

Fanny Mail: An Update From Agnes

Hi, Kiddies! You'll recall that in August I received a message from Agnes Whitaker of Poughkeepsie, New York. She had a question about getting her new cat to wear her old cat's fur. Then in early October I heard from Agnes again, when she sought advice on getting her new cat to clean her old cat's fur as if it were its own. I told her she needed to have that fur professionally cleaned, and that with proper cat storage the fur shouldn't be in danger of getting filthy again.

This weekend, I received an update from Agnes on her cat situation. Agnes writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, thank you for your thoughtful advice. You were right. The cat did not start cleaning the fur itself, so I removed the coat. However, due to a prior problem with the neighborhood dry cleaner, I decided to do the cleaning job myself. And though the fur has now regained its original softness, the coat shrank a bit in the process. I did manage to fit the coat back onto the cat, but only after shaving the cat's own fur off, and still it was a tight squeeze. The cat has been whining, so I stopped feeding it, hoping it would lose a little weight and allow the coat to fit better. But now I'm wishing that I had put in the effort to find another dry cleaner to have the coat professionally cleaned, as you suggested."

Sweetie, I'm glad to hear that your original cat's fur once again has that softness that you so love. And if your current cat fails to lose the weight soon, you could obtain a smaller cat that will better fit the now-shrunken coat. Either way, I hope you're able to enjoy the fur this holiday season.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #3)

Christmas is coming, and this year I am determined to get a special gift. So I've decided to conduct a little holiday experiment and date the same man every weekend leading up to the big day. Men don’t feel obligated to invest enough money in a gift if they haven’t invested enough time in the relationship. So you have to start early. I've calculated that eight dates are necessary for the man to spend a significant enough sum on the gift.

Yesterday was my third date with Glenn, and it was definitely an improvement over the first two, as we didn't go bowling. So progress is certainly being made toward the goal of getting that special Christmas gift. This was more of a proper date: a movie and a meal. We got an early start. A bit earlier than I would have liked, actually. We met at the movie theater for a noon matinee. We got to the restaurant by two, and the whole thing was over by three. Though this date felt a bit rushed, I was still able to make some use of it by dropping in some important hints. During the movie I nudged Glenn whenever the female lead was shown with a beautiful piece of jewelry or a gorgeous fur.

Next week our date should begin at a more proper date time, no earlier than seven. Glenn told me he'd get back to me in a few days to let me know his schedule.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #2)

Christmas is coming. This year to make sure I get a really good gift, I’ve decided to date the same man for the eight weeks leading to Christmas. On Halloween Glenn and I had our first date, and it was to a bowling alley.

Last night we had our second date. And it was to the same bowling alley. Clearly, things were not progressing as they should, and I realized this might be a bit more work than I’d anticipated. It turns out that Friday is Glenn's normal bowling night. To make sure this experiment stays on course, I suggested we meet on Saturday next weekend.  After checking his calendar, he agreed.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you patronize karaoke bars, insist that they include the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song in their play list, and be sure to sing it at least once every hour.

Cindy's Art Projects: Halloween Offering

Estelle Steadman sent me an email yesterday, asking me what Cindy’s been up to. I realized it’s been a long time since we’ve heard from Cindy. So I went to her room to see what she might contribute, and I found this drawing on the floor by her bed.

Getting That Great Gift: Jane’s Holiday Experiment

Christmas will be here soon. The past few years I’ve been disappointed by the gifts I’ve received from men. This year I am determined to receive something substantial. To that end, I'm going to conduct a little experiment. I’ve decided to date the same man several times rather than many men once. I gave myself Halloween as a deadline to start this experiment, because that gives me eight weekends before Christmas, enough dates to make the man feel obligated to spend a significant amount of money on my gift.

I met Glenn at a bar on the 30th. He was seated by himself, and we soon struck up a conversation. He complimented me on the coat I was wearing, so I knew he was a man of good character. When I mentioned I had no plans for Halloween, he asked me to join him for the evening.

So last night we had our first date. He suggested we meet at his favorite bowling alley, which was located directly across the street from that bar. We bowled several games, and afterwards I mentioned that I was feeling hungry. Glenn said he was tired, and so we called it a night. It wasn’t an ideal date, as bowling isn't my favorite activity, but I will be seeing him again next Friday.

Werewolf, Werewolf

The evening is going very well. At my next stop I plan on organizing a game of Werewolf, Werewolf. For those who are unfamiliar with the game, what you do is dress up as a werewolf, and then any child you bite also becomes a werewolf, and you give her a bit of your costume. Soon all of the players are dressed in small scraps of wolf fur. It usually ends with everyone in a giant pile, laughing and tickling and biting each other.

Fanny Game Fan Videos

Jason and Michael are hard at work, responding to your delightful birthday wishes. They brought to my attention an important non-birthday message from longtime fan Ruth Washington, of Oakland, California, and I wanted to share that message with you.

Ruth writes: “Bad news, Grandmother Winsome. Not only do we have a new homeless problem, but now frumpy Mexican women are taking their multitude of children on walking tours of the neighborhood. My nephew was in town for the holiday, and he got a kick out of this – you can hear him laughing in my video – but you and I both know this is a serious problem.”

Kiddies, here is the video that she sent me:

Edward's Halloween Adventure

I'm making a few last-minute adjustments to the truck, and will soon be on my way. First stop: visit this child.

Grandmother's Birthday Message

Kiddies, it's my birthday and also Halloween, so we're quite busy here at Winsome Headquarters. Two of my servants, Jason Keenan and Michael Doherty, stopped by on their day off with some special birthday treats. Now that they're in no condition to drive, I've put them to work, handling responses to your emails. I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Dressed For Halloween

I'm back from the Philippines, just in time to enjoy the best holiday of the year, Halloween. It's such a delight when the children are allowed to wander out in the streets by themselves at night. I've started refitting the ice cream truck for its winter role as traveling massage parlor, but have put that work on hold for this weekend, when it will become a traveling haunted house. It's going to be the perfect Halloween attraction. Sure, it's a tight space, but I can pack a lot of scares into the back of the truck. So look for my vehicle in your neighborhood.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you wear a disguise all the time, then when you’re committing a crime, you won't need to bother with one. You'll have one less detail to work out, and without a disguise you may feel more comfortable at those crucial moments.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If for some reason you're unable to get out of serving jury duty, be sure to wear some sort of disguise during the trial. After all, you don't want the prosecutors and any police witnesses to get a good look at you and remember you for future encounters.

Fanny Mail: A Halloween Vacation Question

Hi, Kiddies. This weekend I received an email from Thomas and Alexandra West of New Haven, Connecticut. The Wests write: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, Halloween is our favorite holiday, and we'd like to do something special that doesn't include the children this year. We saw your recent post about clowns being eager for all sorts of work, and it gave us the idea to hire clowns to take our children on vacation for Halloween. That way we'll really be able to enjoy this special day like we used to. And it will be a treat for the children as well, getting to spend time with clowns. However, all the clowns listed in the telephone directory are already booked, at least for the early part of the evening. We attempted to contact the clown union, but were unable to find such an organization. So how do we get in touch with the unlisted clowns?"

Well, Thomas and Alexandra, I think it's a wonderful idea to hire clowns to watch your children during the holiday. However, you might consider scaling back. There is no need to send them all on an expensive vacation, when you could simply hire local clowns to take your children treat-or-treating and then keep them entertained the rest of the weekend. Be sure to have the clowns take them to an unfamiliar part of town. That way, it will be more of an adventure for your children, and they won't be able to simply walk home on their own. As for locating the unlisted clowns, they are not a unionized group. In fact, many of the clowns I've met wouldn't want too much personal information on record. So to find them, I suggest posting a notice at the local liquor store that you're seeking clowns to take care of your children for the weekend. I'm sure you'll get the response you're looking for.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever checking into a hotel, ask to be upgraded to the Grandmother Winsome Suite. For certainly the better hotels should start providing such accommodations.

Fanny Mail: A Parenting Question

Last night I received an email from Gregory Brock of Moberly, Missouri. Gregory writes: "My daughter has started developing much earlier than most girls, and is feeling very awkward about her body. I told her she looks sizzling hot, but she doesn't believe me because I'm her father so of course I'm going to say that. So I was wondering, is it possible to hire a troupe of clowns to pay her compliments?"

Gregory, that's a wonderful idea. Children trust clowns. And I've learned from experience that you can hire clowns to do just about anything. They are generally a desperate and hungry lot, with few scruples to get in the way. Be sure to hire only clowns with happy faces, for compliments from sad-faced clowns might seem insincere. By the way, I once knew a clown in "The Magic City." He is long since dead, having fallen asleep on the railroad tracks, but perhaps his descendants have kept up the family trade. Look into the Ginbottom family. Kahoots Ginbottom was once a relatively famous clown in those parts, and I can't imagine his name is entirely forgotten.

Fanny Mail: A New Message From Agnes

Hi, Kiddies. In August I received an email from Agnes Whitaker of Poughkeepsie, New York. Agnes had a question about getting her new cat to wear her old cat's fur. Well, today I received another email from Agnes. She writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I wanted to thank you for your excellent advice. I sewed my new cat into the coat made from the old cat's fur, as you suggested, and it has ceased its attempts to remove it. However, the cat refuses to clean the fur as if it were its own. A month has passed, and the fur is no longer as soft as it was, but now is matted and dirty. How can I get the cat to clean the fur?"

Agnes, if the cat hasn't accepted responsibility for cleaning the fur by now, it seems unlikely that it will. So you'll want to have that fur cleaned professionally. I know this isn't what you hoped for, and you'll have to sedate the cat again when sewing the coat back on, but you'll be pleased with the results. To keep from having to repeat this process on a regular basis, be sure to keep your cat properly stored. That way its fur will remain clean. Take a moment to revisit the special "Cat Storage" episode of my wonderful program, Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute, for specific instructions.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you feel a compulsion to plan your crimes out in writing, be sure to write “Television Pilot Idea” at the top of the page. Those police dramas are still quite popular, so doing so might not only keep you out of jail, it could also land you a lucrative deal in Hollywood.

Edward's Surprise Of The Day

Good news! I’ve just come into some money unexpectedly. For those who followed my Ice Cream Truck Adventures, you'll be pleased to know that this money will allow my winter plans for the ice cream truck to come to fruition. I will be re-fitting the vehicle as a traveling massage parlor, because children get aches and pains too.

I've done a little calculating, and there should be enough money left over to cover one more thing on my wish list:

• Vacation in the Philippines
• Take a cartography course
• Invest in better soundproofing materials
• Purchase the new thermal night vision surveillance system
• Hire someone to create a sleeping bag with a locking mechanism

Jane's Thought For The Day

Once a relative is dead, it's too late to get into the will.

Grandmother's Thought For Sunday

If you live near a church, become friendly with the pastor, so then he’ll be more likely to comply with your reasonable request to turn down those annoying bells on Sunday. After all, those are not real bells anymore, but are merely a recording of bells, the volume of which can easily be lowered.