Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, all the female patients were gathered around Mr. Volkov in the activity room. He was reading to them a story from an old magazine. I started to set up the poker table, but the patients didn't seem interested in playing. When Mr. Volkov took a break to get a glass of water, Mrs. Henley told me she could listen to him talk all day.

An Important Message About Passwords

Kiddies, as you might be aware, there have been many security breaches lately, and I was able to learn from them that a common password is "GrandmotherWinsome#1." While I am flattered, I want to caution folks from using the same password that many others are using. So, try variations, such as "#1GrandmotherWinsome" and "GrandmotherWinsomeIs#1."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan were already at the poker table, with a chair they'd labeled "Mr. Volkov" between them. Mrs. Henley and Mrs. Patterson were not happy when they came down and saw that. They argued that Mr. Volkov should be allowed to sit wherever he wished. Just then, Mr. Volkov stepped into the activity room, and the argument came to a sudden stop while he took his seat between Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan. During the poker game, the patients were more talkative than usual, asking Mr. Volkov all kinds of questions about his childhood and hobbies. The conversation stopped only when Mr. Volkov nodded off. Mrs. Lieberman urged the others to use that time for a bathroom break.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I just want to thank you for all the birthday wishes and gifts. I especially want to thank Mary Miller of Stowe, Vermont for the blowtorch and maple syrup.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I learned that the head nurse chose Mr. Volkov as the new patient to move into Mr. Tanaka's old room. Mrs. Lieberman was excited to have a fresh player at the poker table. And the other players seemed happy to have him there too. Whenever Mr. Volkov called for another card, Mrs. Henley and Mrs. Patterson moved their chairs a little closer to him. During one hand, he fell asleep at the poker table, and Mrs. Henley couldn't stop herself from taking a quick glance at his cards.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a flagger on a road construction crew, cover up the word "Slow" on the traffic sign you hold with the words "Follow Grandmother Winsome."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I found a note from the head nurse letting me know she's trying to fill the vacancy left after Mr. Tanaka's death. She had scheduled three potential patients to stop by today to look at the room. She also told me to write down notes for her about any special needs the patients might have. It was a shame that our poker game kept getting interrupted, but the potential patients all seemed nice. The first to stop by was Mr. Thompson, who couldn't get up into the room because he was in a wheelchair, so I had to turn him away. Next was Mrs. Langley, who needed a bit of help getting her oxygen tank up the stairs, but said the room would be perfect for her and her three cats. And the last person was Mr. Volkov, who fell asleep as soon as I got him up into the room. It took me a while to wake him, and when I did, he kept asking me who I was. I left my notes for the head nurse, and am excited to find out which patient she'll pick.

A Message From Cindy

Now that Grandmother has dismantled the latest robot maid and we can post on the blog again, I wanted to update everyone about my job at the Birch Street Nursing Home. On October 5th, Mrs. Henley got a four of a kind, and then, while she was still celebrating, got a straight flush on the very next hand. And on October 12th, Mr. Tanaka died.

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, thank you so much for all your messages of concern. I was able to read them today after finally getting back online. The reason there have been no posts for the last two weeks is that my latest robot maid had gotten jealous of my computers and phones, and she destroyed all the electronic devices in Winsome Headquarters. It was a shame to have to dismantle another robot maid, but I was able to salvage many of her pieces and I am confident that the next one will work out just fine.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I took $820 in cash to the Birch Street Nursing Home to give to Mrs. Lieberman for the jewelry she had me sell to Manny. She was pleased and gave me $20 for my effort. I immediately lost that $20 back to her in the poker game, but I had fun playing.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you live in Florida and have mountains of evidence you wish to dump in the ocean, consider taking advantage of the imminent Category 4 hurricane that's heading your way. There will be few other boats out on the water, and so your activity will likely go unnoticed.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last week at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman told me she'd have more jewelry for me to sell to Manny. Well, today during a break in the poker game she handed me a jewel-encrusted brooch, a gold money clip, two pairs of sparkly earrings, and six rings. She told me to make sure Manny gives me his best price.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

After school on Monday, I took Mrs. Lieberman's gold necklace to the pawn shop, just like she asked me to. But the man there told me I had to be eighteen in order to sell him anything. I was disappointed, but then I remembered about Manny. When I bought fireworks from him this summer, I saw that he also had boxes of jewelry and electronics in his garage. So I went to his house to see if he might be interested in buying the necklace. He told me it was a beautiful piece and offered me $150 for it. I told him that I had to get at least $200, and he said that was fair. Today during my shift at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I gave the money to Mrs. Lieberman, and she was pleased. She slipped me a ten-dollar bill and said she'd have more jewelry for me to sell later.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Wearing a gi, the traditional karate outfit, along with a black belt, in crowded squares and tourist spots will help deter pickpockets from bothering you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and handed me a beautiful gold necklace that I'd never seen her wear. She asked me if I would take it to the pawn shop next week, but told me not to sell it unless I am offered at least two hundred dollars. I promised her I would go right after school on Monday.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! In your answering machine message, state that you are busy checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates and will return all calls once you're done.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today while we were playing poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a knock at the door. Mrs. Lieberman froze for a moment, and glanced at the other players, all of them wearing their new hats. But when I answered the door, it was a young man running for city council. He wanted to come in and talk to the patients about the issues that matter most to them. Mrs. Lieberman seemed relieved, and even invited him to sit at the poker table. Mrs. Henley asked the young man his position on cookies versus pastries, and Mrs. Kunkle asked if he would hire someone to mow the lawn and clean the litter from the Birch Street Cemetery across the street. Mrs. Lieberman asked him his position on crime, and when the man promised to clean up the area of all criminals, she stopped smiling and told him it was time for him to go.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, avoid the prying eyes of baggage handlers and simply purchase a new set of tools whenever you reach your destination.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, we decided to move the poker game outside to enjoy the fresh air. The patients were excited to wear their new hats outside for the first time, but Mrs. Lieberman told them to leave them inside, at least for a couple more weeks.

A Traveling Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When visiting another country, pretending to not understand the language will help you pick up a lot of information you might not otherwise be privy to.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today during the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman glanced out the window and saw a police car parked on the street out front. She jumped out of her chair and began grabbing everyone's hats. She then handed the hats to me, and told me to hide them all down in the basement. It took me only a moment to hide them, but when I came back up, the police car had already moved on.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, keep in mind that lifeboats can sink too, so once you climb aboard, spread out as much as you can to keep too many people from crowding on.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

In the event that your cruise ship is damaged in a collision, put on your life vest before checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were already gathered around the poker table, and they were all admiring each other's new hats. Everyone looked great. As I took my seat, Mrs. Lieberman pulled out a package from underneath the table and handed it to me. Inside was a beautiful hat almost identical to the one she was wearing. I asked her if she'd used her poker winnings to treat everybody to these gifts, but she just smiled and shook her head.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

After a speed dating event, don't wait for the host to send you the results. The most eligible man might end up with multiple matches, and you don't want to have to wait for him to weed through your competition. Instead, ask him yourself right there to take you out for drinks or a late dinner. Since the two of you are already dressed up, it makes good sense to take advantage of the moment.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, slipping a stack of cash to the right person will stop that negative story of you from appearing in the tabloids.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the talk at the poker table was all about Mrs. Lieberman's stylish new hat. Everyone had something pleasant to say about it, even Mr. Pearlman, who couldn't see it, but reached out to touch it and said it felt nice. And they all wanted to know where she found such a great hat. Eventually Mrs. Lieberman told them it came from a darling little shop she knows.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, don't bother joining the new craze for old books that were produced with toxic pigments. Finding those books can be difficult, and they are rather expensive. Plus, it is not always easy to get an intended victim to read a book.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, one excellent place to dispose of evidence is the large sandbox that you'll find at some playgrounds. Within a few hours, there will be countless sets of fingerprints on it, and likely some saliva too, for young children love putting random objects in their mouths.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a note from the head nurse asking me to tell Mrs. Lieberman to stay put and not go wandering off. When I asked Mrs. Lieberman about it, she told me she had to test out her new night vision glasses before taking on any serious jobs, and had gone out a couple of evenings this week. But she promised me she had learned what she needed and wouldn't go out tonight.

Legal Advice: A Follow-Up

Kiddies, I received a lot of Fanny Mail regarding my Legal Advice post from June 17th, in which I cautioned my fans against choosing associates with nicknames like Shady Bill and Unreliable Alice. So I thought I'd better include a list of other nicknames to avoid when choosing associates:

• Forgetful Frank
• Clumsy Clem
• Incompetent Ingrid
• Butterfingers
• Treacherous Anne
• Backstabbing Betty
• Turncoat Tony
• Double-Dealing Danny
• Double-Crossing Darlene
• Cracked-Out Kate
• Club Foot Todd
• Loose Lips Larry
• Wheezing Whitaker
• Hay Fever Harry
• Chatty Charlie
• Lazy Susan
• Narcoleptic Nancy
• Yellow-Bellied Kenny
• Cheryl The Snitch
• Tattletale Tanya
• Police Informant Willie

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today while we were playing poker outside of the Birch Street Nursing Home, a delivery truck pulled up in front. This stopped the game, as all the patients had their eyes on the delivery man. Mrs. Lieberman waved him over to the poker table and identified herself to the man. Sure enough, the package was for her. Once the man left, Mrs. Lieberman opened the box and pulled out a pair of infrared night vision goggles, similar to the ones Grandmother has. While the patients were admiring them, Mrs. Lieberman whispered to me that she was getting back into business.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Speed dating is an efficient way to weed out some of the less worthwhile men in your area. But don't put off a man by asking him directly how much money he makes. Instead, in the five minutes allotted you, ask things like where he took his last vacation, which restaurants he frequents, and whether he's ever bought a new fur coat for someone he was dating. His answers to these questions will give you a good idea of his income and spending habits.

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome On The High Seas

Kiddies, I just received a nice email from Roger Cuthbert, who is currently in the vicinity of French Polynesia. Roger writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my associates and I were scoping out an island, when another boat started to get a little too close for our liking. We were about to call off our work for the evening when we saw the boat's name, The Grandmother Winsome IX. Then we knew everything was okay, and waved happily to the boat's captain."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I'm always tickled pink when my fans cross paths, especially at so exotic a location.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Sniffles The Eighth still hasn't returned to the Birch Street Nursing Home. I offered to look for another seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman, but he told me not to bother. He said that he's been falling less often without a dog.

Fanny Mail: Trouble In Wisconsin

Kiddies, just before lunch, I received an email from Scarlet Brezinski of Brookfield, Wisconsin. Scarlet writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, your legal advice has helped me avoid more than one snafu, you can be assured. I just wish I had seen your post from June 17th before I selected my latest associate. Because for the last few weeks, Forgetful Frank has caused me nothing but trouble."

Well, Scarlet, I hope you haven't grown too attached to him because it is time to cut your losses. Pay him any money you might still owe him and move on to someone with a more suitable nickname.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's been hotter than normal, so I have been doing my part to help the children stay cool. In addition to providing tasty frozen treats, today at the park I invited some of the children to come into the back of my ice cream truck, take off their shirts and lie on top of the coolers. One of the little kids got so comfortable that he fell asleep. I woke him only when I had to get to the butter pecan.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients and I spent the whole morning looking for Sniffles The Eighth. Mr. Pearlman's seeing eye dog had apparently run off during the fireworks display on Thursday, and had not been seen since. We checked the basement, the yard, and the Birch Street Cemetery, and even peeked into the ditches along the side of the road. Finally at noon, Mrs. Lieberman said it was time to call off the search and get to the poker game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Independence Day Edition

I wanted to surprise the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home today with a fireworks display, so yesterday I went to the other side of town to find Manny. He's the person who supplied me with the great display last year. I had a little trouble finding his garage, but when I did, Manny was happy to see me. He remembered me from last year, and told me had just gotten in some special rockets that I would love. It cost me my poker winnings and my salary from the last three months, but it was worth it when I saw the reactions of the patients this evening. The rockets did not disappoint. The explosions were so loud that I thought even Mrs. Macmillan might be able to hear them.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if someone asks you to speak a little louder or repeat something you just said, be aware that person could be wearing a wire.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

For the second week in a row we took our poker game outside at the Birch Street Nursing Home. In the morning, it was lovely out, but by noon it had gotten so hot that I suggested we move back inside. I was sweating, but none of the patients seemed bothered by the heat. In fact, they all kept on their light sweaters. To make sure they didn't get dehydrated, I insisted that they take a drink from the garden hose after each hand.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I told the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home that it was summer, they voted to hold the poker game outside. It was the first time they'd all been out since September, and they put away their heavy sweaters and took out their light sweaters for the occasion.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When choosing new associates, avoid those with nicknames like Shady Bill and Unreliable Alice.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today there was a phone call at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Henley was already up from the poker table, looking for cookies in the pantry, so she answered. But soon all the patients were gathered around the phone, wondering who it might be. Mrs. Henley was saying she wasn't sure when she last had her gutters cleaned, but was interested in hearing more of what the person had to say on the matter. When she was done and was ready to resume her search in the pantry, she handed the phone to Mrs. Patterson. Over the course of the next half hour all the patients except Mrs. Macmillan had a chance to discuss clean gutters with the caller. Mr. Tanaka finally handed the phone to me, saying that the caller wanted to talk to the person in charge. I told the man that the rates he quoted seemed reasonable, but we weren't interested in his service.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My special ice cream sundae Bottom's Up has been incredibly successful. All the adorable children are once again crowding around my ice cream truck, and the competition has left the area. But today I used up the last bottle of the berry-flavored medicine I had been using as a topping. During a brief lull in the action, I went to the drug store to purchase more, but the pharmacist there said it had been pulled from the market years ago.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It's important to choose associates who are in top physical shape. One way to make sure they are up to snuff is to summon them to an annual physical. At these meetings, check routine things such as weight, eyesight, hearing, blood pressure, but also check for abnormalities in their extremities. Then test the strength of their grip and perform a reflex test on their knees. Be sure not to strike their knees with too much force, especially if you are using a regular hammer. Run the associates through a series of body poses, such as a crouch, having them hold each one for five minutes without moving or making a noise. Next, confirm that they are able to hold their breath for at least two minutes. You should also test their hand-eye coordination by setting up an archery range in your back yard. While outside, have them engage in a short race, like a forty-yard dash, and measure their long jump. And before making your decision, have each person disrobe to prove that there are no easily identifiable marks, such as scars or tattoos. For those who pass all areas of the examination, celebrate by taking them out for ice cream afterward.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

While I was gone, enjoying the cicadas, a new ice cream truck moved in on my territory here near Winsome Headquarters. I discovered this the moment I got back to town, because my first order of business was driving to my favorite playground. There I was dismayed to find another truck with all the adorable children gathered around it. Rather than get upset, I went to another park, but the action there wasn't as good. The next day, the truck was again at my favorite playground. This time I immediately went back to Winsome Headquarters, where I decided to create my own special ice cream sundae to lure the children away from my competitor. I started with vanilla ice cream as its base, and then mixed in all the bits of candy I found in my pants and jacket pockets. But it didn't seem quite enough. There was no chocolate sauce or fudge in the pantry, but I did find some berry-flavored medicine, which I poured over the top. I call it Bottoms Up, and the children love it.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

To celebrate the success of my latest experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home, today I took the patients an assortment of pastries for breakfast, including chocolate eclairs and cheese Danishes. It was the happiest I had seen Mrs. Henley in weeks. She even suggested a subject for my next experiment, seeing if eating two breakfasts makes them better poker players. I told her I was going to take a break from my experiments for a few weeks, but would consider it.

Fanny Mail: Concern In Ohio

Kiddies, I just received an email marked "Urgent" from Nick Taylor of Vernon, Ohio. Nick writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife gave birth to our first child last night, but a sense of pride at becoming a father has now turned into worry and fear. When I picked my wife and child up from the hospital today, the orderly handed me a cooler. At first, I thought nothing of it. But during the drive home, I got a little hungry and opened the cooler to see what the hospital provided. I nearly ran off the road when I saw the bloody mess that was in there. Once I regained my wits, I figured that the orderly must have given us the wrong cooler since this one contained an organ. I was about to turn the car around, when my wife calmly told me that the cooler was hers, and that what was inside was the placenta. Grandmother, it gets worse. She told me she planned to eat it tonight for dinner. I didn't know how to respond. I've heard that some women completely snap after giving birth, but thought my wife was stronger than that. It's getting close to dinner time. I hear her in the kitchen now chopping the onions. What should I do?"

Grab your baby and get out of there. From what I've read, once a woman gets a desire for human flesh, she is not easily sated. Nick, both you and your baby are in danger. While your wife is busy cooking, gather up some clothing and any medicine you might need and leave the house. You can return for your other possessions when your wife is out prowling the town for more flesh.

Jane's Spring Cleaning

When going through your wardrobe to get ready for summer, do not donate your old swimsuits to charity. There is too high a chance that the crusty woman at the counter will assume it is not because of a change in fashion but because you can no longer fit into those suits.