Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I had just put on my Mrs. Wintergreen costume and was getting ready to go out trick-or-treating when Grandmother told me she received an email from the head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home, asking if I could work this evening. Grandmother assured me I would receive my regular full day's pay of ten dollars even though I'd be there for fewer hours. I kept my costume on, thinking I'd still have time for a bit of trick-or-treating on the way home. My costume was a hit with the patients, who went along with my act, one of them even telling me, "If you're nice to that little girl Cindy, she'll give you a second helping of medicine." The only problem was when Mrs. Patterson attacked me with one of her shoes, yelling, "Mrs. Shimshack, give me back my stuff, you old hag!" It took me several moments to convince her that I was Mrs. Wintergreen, a new patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home. By the time I had finished the list of chores left for me by the head nurse, it was too late for any trick-or-treating. All the houses were dark as I walked home.

A Halloween Tip From Cindy

Share your Halloween candy with the elderly, but don't give taffy to anyone with dentures.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When trick-or-treaters come to your door, shout out "Happy Grandmother Winsome's birthday!" rather than "Happy Halloween."

Fanny Mail: A Question About Exorcisms

Kiddies, today I received an email from Nicole Devlin of Wakefield, Massachusetts. Nicole writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our daughter Elisa is possessed by a demon. We decided to have an exorcism performed, but the local priest in charge of such ceremonies wanted too much money. So my husband has been reading up on how to do it himself. He thought it best to do a practice run on our neighbor's cat, who's also been acting a little funny lately. But something went wrong, and the cat exploded into hundreds of pieces. We'd prefer to not have our daughter suffer the same fate. Any tips?"

Well, Nicole, some things are best left to the professionals. However, if your local priest won't lower his fee, you can go to the next best thing – those who are soon to become professionals. Consider going to a seminary, where the priests are trained. Just the same way you can get a cheaper massage at a massage school and a cheaper haircut at a beauty school, you will likely find someone there who will perform the exorcism at a greatly reduced rate. Perhaps you might even find one who will do it for free, in exchange for extra credit in his class. If you're lucky, the teacher might tag along to critique his student's work and can lend a hand if things get particularly messy.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you require a lot of human blood for your Halloween display, keep in mind that aspirin works as a blood thinner, so slip your donor several aspirin before inserting that needle.

A Halloween Tip From Edward

A good costume idea for Halloween is to dress as a giant Scratch 'N' Sniff sticker. The children will have a ball, rubbing you and sticking their noses against your belly.

Fanny Mail: A Halloween Message From Texas

Kiddies, I just received a Halloween-related email from Ashley Ryan, of Brownwood, Texas. Ashley writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was eight months pregnant, and for the Halloween office party I painted my belly orange to look like a pumpkin. Everything went really well, and I was the hit of the party, until after several drinks I passed out and someone decided to carve a jack-o-lantern. The doctors couldn't save the baby, but they say I will be out of the hospital by Wednesday. Happy Halloween. And happy birthday, Grandmother!"

Happy Halloween to you too, Sweetie!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Because I've been so busy with school and my work at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I didn't have time to go out and get a costume for Halloween. But two weeks ago, when I was searching for a missing Mrs. Patterson, I discovered a closet full of old stuff, including Mrs. Chang's pillow and Mrs. Beaumont's dentures. I realized this was where the nurses store the deceased patients' belongings until their families come to claim them. So today I decided to take a closer look at what was in there, and discovered enough odds and ends to create a costume. I am using Mrs. Shimshack's wig and yellow sweater, Mrs. Beaumont's dentures, and Mrs. Chang's slippers and lipstick this Halloween to create Mrs. Wintergreen, a brand new patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

A Halloween Tip From Jane

If you dress as a sexy nurse for Halloween, men will likely ask you to give them a check-up. But remember, in the case of an actual emergency, you are not required to perform CPR, as one unattractive man learned at last night's party.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When fat kids come to your door for candy, simply turn off your porch light until they go away. This may seem harsh, but you'll be doing them a favor.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

The next time you have blood drawn, tell them to take an extra pint. Then carry it with you at night to use as an offering in case you are attacked by vampires.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When scaring children on Halloween, keep in mind that real snakes and spiders are more frightening than rubber ones.

Fanny Mail: A Question About A Young Vampire

Recently I received a letter from Madeline Chambers of Manhattan, New York. Madeline writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our nine-year-old daughter is going through a phase where she insists she's a vampire. Not wanting to discourage her sense of self, my husband and I have been purchasing human blood for her from the local blood bank. She is absolutely adorable as she gulps it down. But the other day, her tutor explained a bit more about vampires to us. Now my husband and I have grown concerned that our daughter may soon claim to be able to turn into a bat and attempt to fly off our balcony. We have a penthouse apartment, you see, so if it turns out she is unable to fly, it would be a terribly long drop for her. We don't want to hold her back, or restrict her in any way, but we would like to keep her alive. Is there a way to keep her from flying without stifling her creativity?"

Well, Madeline, if you remind your daughter that vampires can't go out during daylight hours, she will soon miss her friends and will give up this notion of being a vampire herself. Then you won't have to worry about stifling her creativity or about her flying off the balcony.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

One delightful way to frighten children on Halloween is to have your maid climb up on the roof and drop rubber snakes onto them whenever they knock on your door. Even better is to have your maid collect real snakes to toss at the children.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

It can be a challenge meeting the right man. One place a lot of women don't think to look is at an estate sale. Buyers there are willing to spend a lot of money on someone's old stuff. If a man is willing to spend thousands on some silly old sculpture, he clearly has the means to take you out for a fabulous meal.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home there was something new on my list of chores. I was told to warn the patients that an alarm has been installed on the front door, then print up and post signs that say "Alarm will sound if door is opened."

Fanny Mail: A Question About Ghosts

Today I received an email from Janet Meeker of London, England. Janet writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was just wondering how you can keep the ghosts of family members from looking in on you. My Uncle Spencer died several months ago. Since then, I've picked up some strange sensations at home, and so I went to a medium. She told me that Uncle Spencer was watching over me. She thought that news would comfort me, but Uncle Spencer used to come into the bathroom when I was growing up to watch me poo. And even after I became an adult, he would barge in on me in the bathroom during family gatherings. Now that he's finally dead, I want to be free of his creepy eyes."

Well, Janet, one thing you could do is ask your medium what her rate is for banishing a spirit. Remind her that you don't need your whole house cleansed, since Spencer only visits you in the bathroom. If she is unable to do that, you will have to stand up to Spencer yourself. Sweetie, tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to leave you alone. Once Spencer sees you as a strong and determined individual, he will likely slink away, and you can use the bathroom in peace.

Edward's Haunted House

I've discovered an abandoned shack just a short walk from the local playground, and I'm busy converting it into a haunted house. I can't wait to scare the pants off the children this Halloween.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your job is to print the expiration date on produce or bread, whenever something is set to expire on October 31, print it as "Best By Grandmother Winsome's Birthday."

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you plan on using black cats for your Halloween display, there is no need to be picky at the animal shelter. Take whichever cats they have in stock. You can always spray-paint them the appropriate color later. And if you offer to take the ones they're about to put down, you should be able to convince them to waive any fees.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you're flying on your birthday, as you board the plane be sure to make the flight attendant aware that it's your special day. That will keep the free drinks flowing for the duration of your flight.

Fanny Mail: Living Next To A Cemetery

Kiddies, today I received a nice email from Krissy Mann of Slidell, Louisiana. Krissy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I recently purchased a house right next to a cemetery. Surprisingly, we got a great deal on it. Folks claim it's haunted, but we haven't seen any indication of that being so. The main benefit of our new location is that whenever one of our children dies, it's easy for us to pop next door at night and dig a hole for the little one's eternal rest. It's already saved us thousands. The other benefit, of course, is that all deaths in our family are believed by outsiders to be caused by ghosts. Saves us a lot of explaining. My husband and I wanted to share our good fortune with you, and let you know the advantages of living next to a cemetery in case you ever decide to move Winsome Headquarters."

That is so thoughtful, Krissy. I don't plan on moving anytime soon, but perhaps some of my other fans can benefit from your knowledge and experience.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw that there was only one item on my list of chores: "Find Mrs. Patterson!" The first place I looked was the most obvious place, her room. When I saw she wasn't there, or in the bathroom, I began to conduct a serious search of the building, from top to bottom. I looked in all the closets and the pantry, and even in my laboratory in the basement. But she was nowhere to be found. So I knew then she had made it outside and I was going to have to search the grounds. But first I left out food and medicine for the other patients, creating a nice buffet in the activities room for them. Once outside, I walked around the edge of the building, then widened the circle from there, even climbing trees to see if she might be up one of them. I found a pair of binoculars in one tree, but no Mrs. Patterson. So I widened the search more to the areas across the street, including the Birch Street Cemetery. I eventually found her on Mrs. Shimshack's grave, digging through the dirt with her hands. Her gown was filthy, and her fingernails were broken, but she had managed to dig a hole deep enough to reach the coffin. "That woman stole my property," Mrs. Patterson told me when I found her. "I'm just getting back what's mine."

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you discover severed heads in your date's refrigerator, don't be quick to jump to conclusions, especially if he's attractive. They might simply be Halloween props. So show him some trust and carry on with your evening.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I've reached the end of another enjoyable ice cream season, and was ready last night to start preparing the truck for its winter function as a traveling massage parlor, when I noticed I still had some inventory. So today I returned to the hospital to distribute tasty treats to the children in their beds. I had enough left over that even the unattractive kids were able to have some.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Sometimes it can be difficult finding the right man. One place it might not occur to you to look is a car dealership. But if a man can afford a fancy new car, he can certainly afford to take you out to a classy restaurant. So when he is getting ready to take that luxury car for a test drive, offer to join him.

Fanny Mail: A Haunted House Etiquette Question

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Emily Hall of Charleston, South Carolina. Emily writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am writing to inquire, if one resides in a haunted house, how much attention should one pay to the ghosts? Is it considered poor manners to ignore them altogether? I don't want to be thought of as rude, but I just find their endless moaning and chain-rattling to be rather tiresome."

What a thoughtful question, Emily. While I appreciate that you don't wish to be thought of as rude, you should think of the ghosts as uninvited guests. And as such, it is they who are in fact being rude. If you snub them, they may soon take the hint and make a silent exit.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you're planning a job in a certain neighborhood later this year, on Halloween take some children trick-or-treating there. Whenever someone opens the door to hand candy to the kids, you'll have an opportunity to glance at their locks and to see whether they have an alarm system. Make sure the kids are wearing full costumes, with masks, and don't forget to wear a mask of your own so that they won't be able to identify you.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Have your favorite Tip For Better Living chiseled on your tombstone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, do not purchase a house in an area where hot air balloons take off or land. Although they are pretty to look at, those balloons come awfully close to people's properties, and you don’t want any passengers gawking at your activities.

Spread The Word

If you're attending a wedding, when the priest asks the crowd if anyone knows of a reason why the couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, jump up and say, "I have no objections, but I would like to read the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home today, Mr. Matthews was waiting for me at the front desk. He complained of a mysterious rash on his upper thighs, and said I was the only one who could cure it. When he opened his bathrobe to show me the rash, I saw right away that it was actually just ketchup. Some of it was smeared across his leg, and I noticed a little had rubbed onto the robe as well. I told him all he needed was a little soap and water to cure that rash, and I began my chores for the day.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

For some, meeting the right man can be a challenge. One place you might not think of as a hot spot is an open house at a nice property. If a man can afford to be browsing real estate, he can afford to take you out for a fancy meal.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you're hitchhiking and someone picks you up, show your appreciation by reciting some of your favorite Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts for the duration of the ride.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, if your experiment requires another test subject, and you don't have time to hunt one down yourself, let animal control do the job for you. Simply follow the animal control truck and when the men jump out to nab an animal, tell them it's yours and that it escaped this morning. Be sure to thank the men for catching it and promise them it will never escape again.

Fans From Beyond

Kiddies, I've been thinking a lot about yesterday's Fanny Mail from Madame Esmeralda and Nancy Galeen, and how I probably have many, many more deceased fans. So today I've instructed Jackson Stone to tinker with this website so that when page views are tabulated, those from fans beyond the grave are included in that total.

Fanny Mail: News From Beyond

Kiddies, today I received an unusual letter from Madame Esmeralda of San Diego, California. Madame Esmeralda writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been working as a medium for nearly twenty years now. I have several regular clients, including Tracy Galeen, a woman who routinely has me contact her mother. Since her mother died in 2015, Tracy has visited me weekly to speak with her. This past week, when I made contact with Tracy's mother, she expressed a strong unwillingness to speak to Tracy. She wished only to speak to Grandmother Winsome. I took down verbatim what the spirit of Nancy Galeen wished to relate to you. Nancy Galeen, from beyond the grave, says: 'Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been a fan of your blog since its inception, and am happy to learn that I can still access it from this other plane of existence. Apart from reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog, there is little that I want to do here in the afterlife. Mostly, I just want to rest. But my daughter keeps contacting me. When I was alive, she'd call me every week, complaining about her job or her husband or the kids. I thought that would stop once I was dead. In fact, it was the one thing I looked forward to with regards to my demise. But she has continued this trend unabated. How do I tell my daughter that I no longer wish to be bothered?'"

Well, Madame Esmeralda, I am tickled pink to learn that even those who have passed on seek advice from Grandmother Winsome. To Nancy, I suggest you be firm with your daughter and tell her that you are taking a long and much deserved rest, and will no longer be accepting her calls. I often let my machine pick up all my calls, especially when I am hard at work on an experiment and do not wish to be disturbed. Perhaps there is a similar device in the afterlife which you could employ, should your daughter go against your wishes and continue to contact you. If that doesn't work, see if Madame Esmeralda would be willing to tell your daughter that she is no longer able to contact you because you've moved on to the next level of the afterlife.