Jackpot!

Kiddies, I am using my winnings to purchase more cat containers.

Grandmother Winsome's Desert Excursion

Kiddies, a little while ago my new hiker friend and I reached the base of the mountains. I told him I was feeling a bit winded and sent him on ahead to dispose of the evidence, which he graciously agreed to do. And don't worry, when I placed the evidence in his backpack, I took the precaution of removing his canteen and compass before sending him on his way. We won't be hearing from him again. Now it's time to return to the hotel for a nice soak in the hot tub.

Grandmother Winsome's Desert Excursion

Kiddies, what a beautiful landscape. It's just the place to dispose of some evidence. A few minutes ago, I met a young man who is hiking in the same direction. He's kindly offered to escort me to a particularly hard-to-reach spot.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home there was a new task on my to-do list. I had to organize the drawers of the front desk. Under the half-eaten sandwiches and dried-up pens, I found the patient roster, and was surprised to see Mrs. Chang's name still on it. I crossed her off the list and wrote in the name of her room's new occupant, Mrs. Diaz. On the way home I stopped off at Mrs. Chang's grave and cleared away the trash that had piled up there. I used some of the ten dollars the head nurse had left me to buy a candle from the cemetery vending machine, and placed it on top of Mrs. Chang's head stone.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Develop a fast gait, so that you can breeze by those people with clipboards who like to gather outside of post offices and other government buildings. If you move quickly enough, you'll be by them before they even have a chance to ask you if you're registered to vote.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, the next time you print out dollar bills, swap out George Washington's photo with a photo of Grandmother Winsome.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, don't place dead pets in your compost bin. Place them in your neighbor's compost bin.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Whenever you're waiting to be seen at the emergency room, pile your belongings on the seats to either side of you, so no one gets too close.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, you never know when disaster might strike. So keep a printout of all the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts in your emergency kit.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

One of my tasks each week at the Birch Street Nursing Home is to go around to all the rooms and make sure the patients are still alive. I am to make a note of the ones that aren't. I am happy to report that everyone was still alive when I checked today.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it's a good idea to have a membership at a gym, particularly one that is open twenty-four hours and has lockers available to rent. You should always store at least one complete set of clean clothing in that locker. As you know, after certain activities, you don't want to head directly home and risk bringing evidence into your household. Instead, go to the gym, shower, and put on that clean set of clothes. Then toss the tainted clothing into a homeless person's shopping cart on your way home.

A Tip From Edward

Volunteer to man the Junior Jet ride at your local carnival or amusement park. Then you can pat down each child before he gets on. Kids will love it, and you can tell their parents you're giving their children the full, realistic air travel treatment.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Always keep your cellular phone fully charged, Kiddies, for you never know when the electricity might go out for an extended period of time. Being able to read the Grandmother’s Family Game blog on your phone will set your mind at ease as you sit in the dark and wait for service to be restored.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

"Home reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog" is always a believable response when authorities ask where you were on a certain night.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a phone number at the top of my list of chores. The head nurse wrote that in case of emergency, I am to always call her, not the police or hospital. At one point in the day, I thought I would have to call, when Mr. Oliveras tripped over a fire extinguisher on his way to the bathroom. But after two of my special cupcakes, he was feeling better.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, another surprising result from the 2017 Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll was the response to my question, "How often do you change your telephone number?"  While the number of trips to the carnival among my fan base was surprisingly low, as you'll recall from yesterday's post, the answer to this question was surprisingly high. The majority of my fans change their phone numbers every six months, which is even more often than I change mine.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Posting about Madame Saber reminded me that there was a question about carnivals in the 2017 Fanny Game Fan Poll. I had asked, "How often do you visit a carnival each year?" I was saddened to read the responses to this one, Kiddies. More than half of the 221 poll respondents don't visit carnivals at all, and among those that do, most only go once a year. Let's see if we can get those numbers higher, Kiddies!

Winsome Family History: May 10, 1968

It was fifty years ago that we finally had to put Madame Saber down. A lot of evidence passed through that tiger's system during her many years with the Winsome Family Carnival, and even beyond. But she just couldn't digest that last piece of evidence.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

At a coffee shop, take a seat close to the counter, so that in the event that a handsome man comes in, you can clearly catch his name as it is called.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you've placed yourself on the National Do Not Call Registry, but are still receiving phone calls from solicitors, keep an air horn handy next to your phone. Blasting it into their ears will make them think twice before disturbing you again.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you believe yourself to be average-looking, do not despair. My studies have shown that witnesses have a much more difficult time picking average-looking people out of a police lineup.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Wear a hoop skirt any day you think you may have to stand in line. Hoop skirts do a wonderful job of keeping people from crowding you, and I hear they are coming back in style this season.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I spent the day at the Birch Street Nursing Home, doing the chores from the list left at the front desk. The list was mostly the same as last week, but with one new addition. I was instructed to give the patients their medication. I decided to make it fun for them. I used their pills as toppings on cupcakes I found in the pantry. The cupcakes were a hit, and some of the patients even asked for seconds. At the end of the day, I grabbed the ten dollars the head nurse had left for me and made sure to lock the door behind me.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Before you engage in certain activities, apply temporary tattoos to visible spots on your body. The brighter and more striking the tattoos are, the more likely is it that witnesses will focus on them rather than your actual physical features. And if anything should come to trial, those identifying marks will be long gone.

Spread The Word

If you work as a guide in an art museum, when calling your tour group's attention to an anonymous painting, tell them, "Some experts speculate this is an example of Grandmother Winsome's best work."

Fanny Mail: The Grandmother Winsome IV And New Fans

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Carmen Genovese of Miami, Florida. Carmen writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, recently my husband and I sailed on the yacht belonging to an associate. The yacht was named The Grandmother Winsome IV. As we are both curious by nature, my husband and I asked about the boat's name. We learned an interesting tale. The associate and his wife explained they'd received sound legal advice from one Grandmother Winsome, advice which not only kept them from serving time, but which helped them avoid a trial altogether. With the money they saved on legal fees, they were able to purchase the yacht, and in tribute, named it The Grandmother Winsome IV. As they told us, there are already three other boats bearing the Grandmother Winsome name. My husband and I have since become devoted fans ourselves, and soon hope to own The Grandmother Winsome V."

Carmen, I was absolutely delighted to read your letter. I am pleased to know that there is a Grandmother Winsome IV, and am tickled pink to learn there may soon be a Grandmother Winsome V. It's wonderful to count both you and your husband as new fans. Welcome aboard!