Fanny Mail: A New Request For Cindy

Kiddies, today I received a letter from longtime fan Mr. Matthews of the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Matthews writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, as you know, I have long been following your blog with great interest, especially Cindy's posts. I see that she's been assisting you with your cryonics experiment. I am thinking about being frozen, but I'm not sure I'll like it. Now that the experiment is at a juncture where Cindy has more spare time, perhaps you could send her over with a bag of ice to do a demonstration, just so I can get a little taste of what it would be like."

Mr. Matthews, I am certain Cindy would be delighted to help give you a feel for cryonics. She has become quite knowledgeable on the subject, even writing a book report on one of the key early texts.

Spread The Word: Alaska Edition

Kiddies, I've learned that there are certain remote areas in Alaska where there is no internet service. It is possible that people living in those places may never have heard of Grandmother's Fanny Game. So if you live in one of the more populated areas of that state, or are planning a visit, print out copies of several of your favorite Grandmother's Fanny Game posts to hand out to the folks there.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a substitute teacher, have your students spend the better portion of the day reading Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts. The children will have such a great time, they will hope their regular teacher gets sick more often.

Cryonics And You, A New Poll

My recent poll on cryonics didn't get as many votes as I had thought it would. In fact, it did not receive enough votes for the data to be meaningful, and so I have not included a graph of the results. The question was, "If you're going to be cryogenically frozen, how far into the future would you want to be thawed?" The possible responses were 5 years, 25 years, 100 years, 500 years, 1,000 years, and 10,000 years. Several people contacted me to explain they didn't vote in the poll because they do not want to be cryogenically frozen, as they are afraid of what life will be like in the future. So I've posted a follow-up poll, Kiddies. Located in the upper right corner of the screen, the new poll asks:

What is your biggest fear about coming back in the future? 

• I'd still have outstanding bills
• Humans will be enslaved by an alien race
• The Earth will be a barren wasteland
• Certain relatives might still be alive

Cast your votes by March 11th.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Twins

Kiddies, I'm still finding interesting letters in that box of old Fanny Mail. Here is one from 2015, from Jack Armstrong of Moberly, Missouri. Jack writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my daughters are conjoined twins, and they've each fallen in love. Their beloveds are also conjoined twins. Now that there is talk of marriage in the air, my daughters wish to be separated, as do their boyfriends, particularly as one couple is thinking of making the move down to Jefferson City. But because each set has only one pair of legs and one pair of arms, it would be difficult for them to survive and move around on their own. So I was wondering if it's possible to separate each set, and then attach them to their mates. I hope so, for my daughters' happiness is at stake. And it will make the 'Until death do us part' line the literal truth for both couples."

Well, Jack, from my experience, as long as the left-legged woman is in love with the right-legged man, it should be fine. Be sure you perform the operation early enough that the wedding tailor has enough time to create the special combination tuxedo/gown needed for each couple. Very few shops carry items like that off the rack.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you're planning a trip to one of the cryonics facilities, be sure to wear a sweater.

Cindy Helps Out Around The Laboratory

My New Year's resolution was to help Grandmother more in the laboratory. But now that the experiment is up and running, there isn't much to do down there. So I have more free time to read. I did my book report on A Cryonics Manual For Tomorrow. My teacher was really impressed and gave me an A.

Spread The Word

When selling an item through the classifieds, be sure to specify "Special price for fans of Grandmother Winsome" in the ad.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Never allow your maid to become the least bit unruly.

A Tip From Edward

The morning after a snowstorm, listen to the radio for the list of school closings. That will give you a good indication of where children will be outside playing.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you suspect your activities may lead to a car chase that would garner television coverage, make sure you apply your "I’m following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker before you take off.

Clarification Of A Tip For Better Living

Kiddies, as you'll recall, I advised you to give expired medication to your maid and call it a health benefits package. However, I must warn you to make clear to her that the pills are not all to be taken at once, for that might cause her to get a little loopy and be unable to perform her many tasks up to the standards you've set for her.

Fanny Mail: Making The Most Of The Holidays

Kiddies, I am continuing to go through the box of old Fanny Mail. Here is a letter from early December of 2014, sent by Hope McClendon of Middlebury, Vermont. Hope writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just wanted to thank you for one of your recent posts in which you gave advice to parents about enjoying Halloween. While my husband and I aren't big fans of that holiday, we do really love Christmas. But lately the holiday just hasn't been the same since we adopted two children. We took your advice from that post and, with just a slight alteration, applied it to our own situation. In that post, you suggested the parents hire local clowns to take their children for the weekend. My husband and I have hired a mall Santa to take our children on vacation for Christmas. And for a little extra, the Santa has agreed to keep them straight through New Year's Day. My husband and I are going to have the best Christmas ever. We wanted to share this with you and your fans."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I am always tickled pink to hear how my advice has helped. And for those of you who might not recall my original advice to that other couple, you can click here.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

An acting class could help you master the art of crying on cue, which is very handy during a trial. When a victim or witness relates her tale, you'll be able to appear convincingly sad and thus sympathetic. Remember, you don't have to be innocent in order to appear so.

Fanny Mail: Helping Out In North Dakota

Kiddies, I just received a wonderful email from the Phillips family of Valley City, North Dakota, and I wanted to share it with you. The Phillips write: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the world just doesn't make much sense anymore, and many people seem to have gone off the rails. I just want you to know that we are grateful that we have Grandmother Winsome to guide us through these dark and strange times."

Sweeties, your message delighted me. I am tickled pink to be able to help.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

When a man is picking you up for a date, it's perfectly all right to make him wait several minutes while you get ready. And if he honks his horn for you to hurry, don't get upset, unless of course he is driving an old, beat-up car. In that case, you don't want him calling your neighbors' attention to his vehicle.

Fanny Mail: A Child Custody Question

Kiddies, I am continuing to go through that box of old Fanny Mail, but I don't want to ignore new letters and messages coming in. Here is an email I received this morning from Tyrone Washington of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Tyrone writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my divorce was finalized yesterday. The judge awarded us joint custody of the children. My wife has the kids during the week, and I get them on weekends. Is it possible to appeal this decision? I would prefer to have them only on Sundays."

Well, Tyrone, you can absolutely appeal the judge's decision. Then, during the hearing, look a little more ragged, and stage a minor outburst in the courtroom. That will help the court make the right decision, and your Saturdays will be free once again.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Babies

Kiddies, it has been so much fun going through the box of old, unanswered Fanny Mail. Here is a letter from 2014 from Jolene Carter of Morehead, Kentucky. Jolene writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I welcomed our first child into the world a month ago. The baby is adorable, but it has been keeping my husband up at night. So we've moved it to the basement, where it causes less of a distraction. In fact, sometimes we forget it's there at all. Should we make this move permanent and put the crib down there as well? Or will this crying-at-night phase end soon?"

Well, Jolene, the crying phase will likely go on for a while, so I suggest you move the crib into the basement. That way, the child won't roll around down there, possibly knocking over tools or paint cans or whatever else you may have stored there.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If there is a special boy in your class that you like more than the others, create your own Valentine's Day card for him rather than giving him one out of the box.

Fanny Mail: A Pet Question

Kiddies, here is another letter from the box of old Fanny Mail, this one dated 2014, from Audrey Yang of Walnut Creek, California. Audrey writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, is there a warehouse or discount store that sells slightly damaged pets? The pet is for my juvenile delinquent son. The psychiatrist tells me it's a good idea to get him a pet to teach him some responsibility for another living creature, but the police have advised me that there is a good chance he'll end up killing the animal. So I don't want to spend a lot of money on an item that I may have to replace soon."

Well, Audrey, pet stores are usually overpriced, and I have not located any discount pet stores. But there are plenty of slightly damaged animals at the pound, and there you will be charged only a nominal fee. 

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your date picks you up using a ride share service, and he chooses the carpool option, call an immediate end to the date. However, if the car is nice, be sure to find out if the driver is single.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you’re on a first date and you start having stomach troubles, admitting to it could be quite embarrassing. Instead, tell your date that you are a secret agent, and you just spotted a fugitive walking past the restaurant window and need to chase him immediately.

Edward's "For Your Information"

A good way to keep up with today's music is to attend junior high school dances.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Art

Kiddies, I continue to make progress on the box of old Fanny Mail. This letter arrived in 2014 from Andrea Schmidt of Boston, Massachusetts. Andrea writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, every week my child brings home a drawing she made in kindergarten. Not one of them is any good, but I don't have the heart to tell her. Should I hire a professional art critic to give her proper feedback? Also, she keeps asking why I haven't put any of her pictures on the refrigerator. Do I need to be honest with her?"

Well, Andrea, while I understand your reluctance to display any bad art in a prominent spot in your home, you don’t want to discourage your child at so young an age, for that could lead to bigger problems down the road. One solution is to tell your child that you are hanging up her drawings at work so that you can look at them throughout the day. (Just remember to not take part in Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day.) As for hiring a professional art critic, I suggest that instead you use that money to purchase a small refrigerator to place in the basement where you can display her art without having to see it often yourself. Then you can use that extra refrigerator to store soda or other items you like to stock up on.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you're making a donation at the blood bank, tell the other donors that you usually give your blood to Grandmother Winsome.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Give expired medication to your maid and call it a health benefits package.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're the editor of your newspaper's obituary page, be sure to write that each deceased person is survived by Grandmother Winsome.

Fanny Mail: A Missing Child

Kiddies, as you know, I've been going through a box of old Fanny Mail. But that doesn't mean that new letters and emails aren't continuing to pour in. Today I received one that requires my immediate attention. It is from Charlotte Pettengill of Ansted, West Virginia. Charlotte writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our child has been missing for two days. The police are continuing the search, but my husband and I are ready to move on and begin planning the funeral. Do we have the power to call off the search?"

That's a tough one, Charlotte. Sometimes the law is just not understanding of people's feelings. Officials might consider it their duty to continue the search even if you express your desires for them to stop. And you don't want to go through the process of an expensive funeral only to have them find your child alive and well in a week or so. I know it's difficult, but I would let them finish their search. They will get tired of it soon enough.

Spread The Word: Super Bowl Edition

Help spread the word! When you're asked on national television what you're going to do now that you've won the Super Bowl MVP award, tell the world that you're going to go home and check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

Fanny Mail: A Photo From North Hollywood

Kiddies, I just received a wonderful photo and message from Ami Rhodes of North Hollywood, California. Ami writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power is now run by fans of Grandmother's Fanny Game, as evidenced by new paint jobs using Grandmother Winsome pink. Just wanted to let you know, Grandmother!"

Thank you for sharing, Sweetie! That is excellent news.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're crossing the street in front of an expensive car, walk slowly to give the driver a chance to admire you.

Edward's Valentine's Day Promotion

Not as many children have been lining up to sit on my lap at the local mall now that Christmas is more than a month past. So I've convinced the mall's director of operations to let me try a new promotion. I've created a Cupid costume, and will be welcoming children to whisper in my ear their Valentine's Day wishes.

Fanny Mail: A Letter From Scarsdale

Kiddies, I am really making progress on that box of old Fanny Mail. Today I answer another 2013 letter, this one from Morgan Wendt, of Scarsdale, New York. Morgan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, an old friend of mine spent years living with a tribe of cannibals, and picked up some of their habits and customs. He’s finally returning to this country, and I’m throwing a big surprise dinner to celebrate. I was just wondering, what’s the best wine to serve with children?"

Well, Morgan, there is very little in the etiquette books about this matter. But I would think if the children were quite young, white wine would be appropriate. And if the children are older, go with a nice Merlot or pinot noir.

Spread The Word: Olympics Edition

If you're an athlete representing a small, relatively unknown country in the Olympics, make a splash during the opening ceremony by changing the colors of your nation's flag to Grandmother Winsome pink.