Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, don't bother joining the new craze for old books that were produced with toxic pigments. Finding those books can be difficult, and they are rather expensive. Plus, it is not always easy to get an intended victim to read a book.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, one excellent place to dispose of evidence is the large sandbox that you'll find at some playgrounds. Within a few hours, there will be countless sets of fingerprints on it, and likely some saliva too, for young children love putting random objects in their mouths.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a note from the head nurse asking me to tell Mrs. Lieberman to stay put and not go wandering off. When I asked Mrs. Lieberman about it, she told me she had to test out her new night vision glasses before taking on any serious jobs, and had gone out a couple of evenings this week. But she promised me she had learned what she needed and wouldn't go out tonight.

Legal Advice: A Follow-Up

Kiddies, I received a lot of Fanny Mail regarding my Legal Advice post from June 17th, in which I cautioned my fans against choosing associates with nicknames like Shady Bill and Unreliable Alice. So I thought I'd better include a list of other nicknames to avoid when choosing associates:

• Forgetful Frank
• Clumsy Clem
• Incompetent Ingrid
• Butterfingers
• Treacherous Anne
• Backstabbing Betty
• Turncoat Tony
• Double-Dealing Danny
• Double-Crossing Darlene
• Cracked-Out Kate
• Club Foot Todd
• Loose Lips Larry
• Wheezing Whitaker
• Hay Fever Harry
• Chatty Charlie
• Lazy Susan
• Narcoleptic Nancy
• Yellow-Bellied Kenny
• Cheryl The Snitch
• Tattletale Tanya
• Police Informant Willie

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today while we were playing poker outside of the Birch Street Nursing Home, a delivery truck pulled up in front. This stopped the game, as all the patients had their eyes on the delivery man. Mrs. Lieberman waved him over to the poker table and identified herself to the man. Sure enough, the package was for her. Once the man left, Mrs. Lieberman opened the box and pulled out a pair of infrared night vision goggles, similar to the ones Grandmother has. While the patients were admiring them, Mrs. Lieberman whispered to me that she was getting back into business.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Speed dating is an efficient way to weed out some of the less worthwhile men in your area. But don't put off a man by asking him directly how much money he makes. Instead, in the five minutes allotted you, ask things like where he took his last vacation, which restaurants he frequents, and whether he's ever bought a new fur coat for someone he was dating. His answers to these questions will give you a good idea of his income and spending habits.

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome On The High Seas

Kiddies, I just received a nice email from Roger Cuthbert, who is currently in the vicinity of French Polynesia. Roger writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my associates and I were scoping out an island, when another boat started to get a little too close for our liking. We were about to call off our work for the evening when we saw the boat's name, The Grandmother Winsome IX. Then we knew everything was okay, and waved happily to the boat's captain."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I'm always tickled pink when my fans cross paths, especially at so exotic a location.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Sniffles The Eighth still hasn't returned to the Birch Street Nursing Home. I offered to look for another seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman, but he told me not to bother. He said that he's been falling less often without a dog.

Fanny Mail: Trouble In Wisconsin

Kiddies, just before lunch, I received an email from Scarlet Brezinski of Brookfield, Wisconsin. Scarlet writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, your legal advice has helped me avoid more than one snafu, you can be assured. I just wish I had seen your post from June 17th before I selected my latest associate. Because for the last few weeks, Forgetful Frank has caused me nothing but trouble."

Well, Scarlet, I hope you haven't grown too attached to him because it is time to cut your losses. Pay him any money you might still owe him and move on to someone with a more suitable nickname.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's been hotter than normal, so I have been doing my part to help the children stay cool. In addition to providing tasty frozen treats, today at the park I invited some of the children to come into the back of my ice cream truck, take off their shirts and lie on top of the coolers. One of the little kids got so comfortable that he fell asleep. I woke him only when I had to get to the butter pecan.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients and I spent the whole morning looking for Sniffles The Eighth. Mr. Pearlman's seeing eye dog had apparently run off during the fireworks display on Thursday, and had not been seen since. We checked the basement, the yard, and the Birch Street Cemetery, and even peeked into the ditches along the side of the road. Finally at noon, Mrs. Lieberman said it was time to call off the search and get to the poker game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Independence Day Edition

I wanted to surprise the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home today with a fireworks display, so yesterday I went to the other side of town to find Manny. He's the person who supplied me with the great display last year. I had a little trouble finding his garage, but when I did, Manny was happy to see me. He remembered me from last year, and told me had just gotten in some special rockets that I would love. It cost me my poker winnings and my salary from the last three months, but it was worth it when I saw the reactions of the patients this evening. The rockets did not disappoint. The explosions were so loud that I thought even Mrs. Macmillan might be able to hear them.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if someone asks you to speak a little louder or repeat something you just said, be aware that person could be wearing a wire.