Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When choosing new associates, avoid those with nicknames like Shady Bill and Unreliable Alice.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today there was a phone call at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Henley was already up from the poker table, looking for cookies in the pantry, so she answered. But soon all the patients were gathered around the phone, wondering who it might be. Mrs. Henley was saying she wasn't sure when she last had her gutters cleaned, but was interested in hearing more of what the person had to say on the matter. When she was done and was ready to resume her search in the pantry, she handed the phone to Mrs. Patterson. Over the course of the next half hour all the patients except Mrs. Macmillan had a chance to discuss clean gutters with the caller. Mr. Tanaka finally handed the phone to me, saying that the caller wanted to talk to the person in charge. I told the man that the rates he quoted seemed reasonable, but we weren't interested in his service.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My special ice cream sundae Bottom's Up has been incredibly successful. All the adorable children are once again crowding around my ice cream truck, and the competition has left the area. But today I used up the last bottle of the berry-flavored medicine I had been using as a topping. During a brief lull in the action, I went to the drug store to purchase more, but the pharmacist there said it had been pulled from the market years ago.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It's important to choose associates who are in top physical shape. One way to make sure they are up to snuff is to summon them to an annual physical. At these meetings, check routine things such as weight, eyesight, hearing, blood pressure, but also check for abnormalities in their extremities. Then test the strength of their grip and perform a reflex test on their knees. Be sure not to strike their knees with too much force, especially if you are using a regular hammer. Run the associates through a series of body poses, such as a crouch, having them hold each one for five minutes without moving or making a noise. Next, confirm that they are able to hold their breath for at least two minutes. You should also test their hand-eye coordination by setting up an archery range in your back yard. While outside, have them engage in a short race, like a forty-yard dash, and measure their long jump. And before making your decision, have each person disrobe to prove that there are no easily identifiable marks, such as scars or tattoos. For those who pass all areas of the examination, celebrate by taking them out for ice cream afterward.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

While I was gone, enjoying the cicadas, a new ice cream truck moved in on my territory here near Winsome Headquarters. I discovered this the moment I got back to town, because my first order of business was driving to my favorite playground. There I was dismayed to find another truck with all the adorable children gathered around it. Rather than get upset, I went to another park, but the action there wasn't as good. The next day, the truck was again at my favorite playground. This time I immediately went back to Winsome Headquarters, where I decided to create my own special ice cream sundae to lure the children away from my competitor. I started with vanilla ice cream as its base, and then mixed in all the bits of candy I found in my pants and jacket pockets. But it didn't seem quite enough. There was no chocolate sauce or fudge in the pantry, but I did find some berry-flavored medicine, which I poured over the top. I call it Bottoms Up, and the children love it.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

To celebrate the success of my latest experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home, today I took the patients an assortment of pastries for breakfast, including chocolate eclairs and cheese Danishes. It was the happiest I had seen Mrs. Henley in weeks. She even suggested a subject for my next experiment, seeing if eating two breakfasts makes them better poker players. I told her I was going to take a break from my experiments for a few weeks, but would consider it.

Fanny Mail: Concern In Ohio

Kiddies, I just received an email marked "Urgent" from Nick Taylor of Vernon, Ohio. Nick writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife gave birth to our first child last night, but a sense of pride at becoming a father has now turned into worry and fear. When I picked my wife and child up from the hospital today, the orderly handed me a cooler. At first, I thought nothing of it. But during the drive home, I got a little hungry and opened the cooler to see what the hospital provided. I nearly ran off the road when I saw the bloody mess that was in there. Once I regained my wits, I figured that the orderly must have given us the wrong cooler since this one contained an organ. I was about to turn the car around, when my wife calmly told me that the cooler was hers, and that what was inside was the placenta. Grandmother, it gets worse. She told me she planned to eat it tonight for dinner. I didn't know how to respond. I've heard that some women completely snap after giving birth, but thought my wife was stronger than that. It's getting close to dinner time. I hear her in the kitchen now chopping the onions. What should I do?"

Grab your baby and get out of there. From what I've read, once a woman gets a desire for human flesh, she is not easily sated. Nick, both you and your baby are in danger. While your wife is busy cooking, gather up some clothing and any medicine you might need and leave the house. You can return for your other possessions when your wife is out prowling the town for more flesh.

Jane's Spring Cleaning

When going through your wardrobe to get ready for summer, do not donate your old swimsuits to charity. There is too high a chance that the crusty woman at the counter will assume it is not because of a change in fashion but because you can no longer fit into those suits.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Because my experiment was brought to a close last week, today all the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home received breakfast. And I noticed something interesting. The patients that had been in the group that got breakfast and those that had been in the unfed group now had approximately the same success at the game. So I can confirm that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.