Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies. If you slip off a cliff, yelling "Help!" or "Ahhh!" won't do you any good. So use those few remaining moments to yell, "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game!" until you hit the jagged rocks below.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy shows up to your date wearing a set of vampire fangs doesn't necessarily mean you're in danger of having your blood drained. He may be a member of a gothic rock band already in partial costume for a late-night concert after your date.

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your child breaks his leg and becomes burdensome, simply send him to one of those special institutions for crippled children until he is better.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Mrs. Macmillan has been so helpful teaching me sign language the past two months, that today I decided to take her a gift at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I gave her a little potted plant for her window sill. She said something to me in sign language that I didn't understand. But soon I learned that it meant "Thank you."

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy slits his wrists during your date doesn't necessarily mean he's not enjoying himself. He may be having such a good time with you that he's checking to make sure he isn't dreaming.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your baby is born sickly, don't waste money on a crib. You know you'll have to purchase a coffin sooner or later, so buy one right away and let it sleep in the coffin. When the baby expires, just close the lid.

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your child is afraid of needles, blindfold him before drawing blood so he won't know trouble is coming.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I continued my sign language lessons with Mrs. Macmillan at the Birch Street Nursing Home. And now I know how to say "Those sharks look hungry" and "My tank is out of oxygen" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy has lots of needle marks doesn't necessarily mean he's a heroin addict. His acupuncturist might just have been focused on that one area of his arm.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, the jury will be on your side if you make their time in court more enjoyable. So whenever the judge calls out, "Order in the court," why not shout out in response, "Two large extra cheese pizzas and root beer for the fine ladies and gentlemen of the jury." The judge might get upset, but the jury will be delighted.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Patch up any differences with friends and family members at least two weeks before your birthday. Then, depending on what gifts you receive from those people, you can make the decision whether to resume your feuds.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I got my first royal flush! I was so excited, I accidentally signed, "Don't speak, the room might be bugged" to Mrs. Macmillan instead of "I have a royal flush." She looked confused for a moment, but I quickly realized my mistake and shared with her the good news. Mrs. Lieberman congratulated me and told me it took her nearly eight years before she got her first royal flush. We all celebrated with a second glass of apple juice.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Don't complain about finding a finger in your fast food if that finger happens to have a diamond ring on it.

Edward's "For Your Information"

An outdoor ice skating rink is a great place to find children who need their bumps and bruises kissed.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Before you complain to the restaurant manager about finding a finger in your food, make sure that finger did not fall out of your bag of evidence.

A Tip From Edward

If you purchase an old school bus in order to spend time with certain children, keep in mind that you might raise suspicions if you don't also pick up the ugly kids on the route. Just tell the ugly ones to sit in the back. When you have them all aboard, simply call a back door evacuation drill, and once all the ugly kids jump out, you can continue on your way.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While it might seem that concealing evidence in concrete would be a foolproof method, Kiddies, there are several things that can cause concrete to break. These include drastic increases in temperature, earthquakes and even the strong root system of a nearby tree.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

My sign language lessons are continuing at the Birch Street Nursing Home, as Grandmother keeps encouraging me to learn more. Today Mrs. Macmillan taught me how to say "Careful, there’s a creaky step" and "Put out that damn cigarette" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy fakes his own death during your date doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested in you. He is probably an actor rehearsing for a production of a classic tragedy and is giving you a special sneak peek. So instead of screaming, applaud him and ask for tickets to his opening night's performance.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you own a cannabis store, name your most potent strain after Grandmother Winsome.