Grandmother Winsome's Advice For Filing Taxes

Kiddies, when completing your taxes, there are certain items you should not include on your list of business expenses, even if you did indeed purchase them for use in your business activities. These items include handcuffs, rope, plastic ties, large trash bags, machetes, security guard uniforms, ski masks, stun guns, false passports, binoculars, chloroform, burlap sacks, disposable mobile phones, latex gloves, extra license plates, temporary tattoos, shovels, concrete, large amounts of grass seed, fake mustaches, hair dye, crowbars, hacksaws, stethoscopes, lab coats and dynamite.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today Grandmother sent me to the Birch Street Nursing Home with only one sentence to learn in sign language. Mrs. Macmillan spent a good hour teaching me how to say, "The air duct isn't big enough." That left me with most of the day to play some poker with the other patients.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy uses several different names over the course of your date doesn't necessarily mean he has multiple personality disorder. He is probably just trying to figure out what name is most appealing to you, and will use that one from then on.

Fanny Mail: A Fan On The Bus

Kiddies, I just received an email from Amy Ling of Seattle, Washington. Amy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, this morning I accidentally got on the wrong bus and was late to a job interview. But I used the extra time on the bus to learn about Grandmother Winsome, just as the bus sign suggested. I am so glad I did. What great legal advice you offer! I even called my husband and told him to wait before putting anything else in the lake. You can now count me among your fans."

Welcome aboard, Sweetie!

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you drive a city bus, rather than showing the route number or destination on the sign in front, program it to say, "Follow Grandmother Winsome."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home Mrs. Macmillan continued my sign language lessons. So now I know how to say "The sedatives are wearing off," "The ropes are secure" and "The coast is clear" in sign language. I am sure tomorrow Grandmother will have me practicing these lines over and over.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Some evidence is better left out in the elements, for trash bags can actually help to preserve it. But you should take precautions. One thing you can do is attach some cat pelts to the evidence, so if any hikers come upon it, they will think it's just some dead animal and keep their distance. A second thing, if possible, is to leave the evidence close to a coyote den, or another spot where scavengers are known to dwell. Let those animals help speed up the process, Kiddies.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you want to make it to the roof, don't purchase a cheap grappling hook, Kiddies.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy gives you sugar-free chocolates on Valentines Day doesn't mean he is suggesting you are overweight. In his excitement to see you, he likely wasn't paying close attention in the store and picked up the wrong box.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy doesn't give you flowers on Valentine's Day doesn't mean he's not taking your relationship seriously. He is likely allergic to pollen and wants to avoid sneezing all over your fur coat.

Edward's Valentine's Day Promotion

Business has been fairly good for my traveling massage parlor so far this year, and I'm glad I got that extra massage table. However, for the first winter ever I have noticed other ice cream trucks on the road, so apparently I now have some competition. In order to increase business, I am running a special Valentine's Day promotion. Two children for the price of one. And to make it all the more special, I have dug out my Cupid costume, and will be wearing it all week. Tell the children in your neighborhood to be on the lookout for Cupid in the converted ice cream truck.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I continued my sign language lessons with Mrs. Macmillan. As Grandmother suggested, I asked her to teach me how to say "Careful, the scaffolding isn't sturdy," "Don't bump your head on the low crossbeam" and "My grappling hook is caught in the shag carpet."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Always keep a spare tire and jack in the getaway car, Kiddies.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy is wearing latex gloves when he picks you up for your date doesn't necessarily mean he's wanted by the police and worried about leaving finger prints. He may just want to keep his hands nice and clean for later on when he takes you back to his place.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a politician who is being dogged by news cameras for some misstep, rather than telling the journalists you have no comment and slinking away, boldly face those cameras and tell everyone to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Macmillan offered to teach me how to spell my name is sign language. I thanked her, but told her that will have to wait, because Grandmother gave me some important sentences she wanted me to learn. So now I know how to say "There is a second security camera" and "The police are coming" in sign language.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because a guy has a photo of another woman in his wallet doesn't necessarily mean he's romantically tied to her. She may be his sister or niece. Just let him pay for dinner and make no mention of it. Then when you get back to his place, if it's still bothering you, you can have a more thorough look through his wallet when he uses the bathroom.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Airlines have a bad habit of misplacing luggage, so to avoid having to go shopping right when you land, be sure to include the following items in your carry-on: a toothbrush, clean underwear, reading glasses, a map of the area, nail clippers, snacks, a flashlight, latex gloves, disinfectant wipes, a dark hat, a prepaid mobile phone, a small coil of rope, and face moisturizer.