Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Henley was standing by the door with the stack of data collection forms in her hand. As she handed them to me, she reminded me that I had promised them a pizza party if all the forms were completed. I went down to my basement laboratory to look over the pages. It took me a little time to read Mrs. Henley's form, because the paper was covered with food stains, and Mr. Pearlman's form was a mess, as he had made marks all over the page. But I am thrilled to announce that my experiment was a success. None of the patients indicated hearing Mrs. Patterson mention Mrs. Shimshack even once during the week. As soon as the pizza shop opened, I placed an order. The patients had a great time, and finished off every slice. Before I left, Mrs. Henley told me that if I ever needed more forms filled out, she'd be happy to take charge and make sure everyone completed the task.

Edward's Santa-Mobile

The local shopping mall has a new director of operations, and she has decided to bring in her own Santa Claus this year rather than hire me. So I am transforming my ice cream truck into a winter wonderland and taking my act on the road. Children can avoid the long lines at the mall, and get a more personal touch in the privacy of the back of my ice cream truck. And I won't rush them along, like the mall Santas do. They can sit on my lap as long as they desire. Look for my Santa-mobile in the parking lot of your local shopping mall.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I collected this week's forms from the patients and then went down to my laboratory to analyze the data. I was hopeful that the forms would show my experiment was a success, that Mrs. Patterson had gone a second week without mentioning Mrs. Shimshack. However, I had incomplete data, because half the patients forgot to fill out the form. While I was down there trying to make sense of the little data I had, it occurred to me that I could offer the patients an incentive to complete the form. I went back upstairs and told the patients that if I got all the completed forms back next week, we would have a pizza party.

Fanny Mail: Concern About The Hostage Situation

Kiddies, today I received an email from Samuel Goldstein of Long Island, New York. Samuel writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife and I were on vacation in Israel recently, when there was a disturbance at the concert we were attending. During the fracas, my wife was taken hostage. I was incredibly upset, and in an attempt to help me avoid dwelling on the pain, a good friend took me out for drinks at the bar around the corner from our house, and it was there that I met Linda. We hit it off, and she has helped me move on. Now I've learned that during a pause in the hostilities, many of the hostages are being released. I really wasn't expecting that, and don't know what to do. If my wife comes home, she is certain to be upset to find another woman living in our house and wearing her jewelry."

Well, Sweetie, you might try to contact those who have kidnapped your wife and explain the situation. They might be willing to hold onto her for a little longer, giving you time to see how your new relationship is progressing. However, if she's already been released, it's only a matter of time before she finds a way back home. One thing you could do is change the locks and paint the house a different color. Then when she shows up at the door, pretend you have no idea who she is, and ask her if she has suffered any recent trauma that would explain her confusion. Once she is gone, you can relax and head to the neighborhood bar with Linda.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Holidays can bring out the worst in people, even those who are incarcerated. If your boyfriend reacts negatively to the Thanksgiving photos you show him during your next visit, try not to take it personally. He is likely overcome with emotion at having missed out on spending the holiday with you. Remind him the two of you will have many Thanksgiving dinners together once he completes his sentence.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

On my way to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning I stopped at the store to pick up a couple of the leftover pumpkin pies that were on sale as a special treat for the patients. While we played poker, each of the patients enjoyed a slice of pie. I noticed that Mrs. Henley's slice was four times larger than anyone else's, but nobody seemed to mind.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

Happy Thanksgiving! The nurses took the day off to be with their families, so I spent most of the day at the Birch Street Nursing Home. While the patients were taking their medications, they said what they're thankful for. Mrs. Patterson is thankful that the four-week course of treatment she underwent is over, and the other patients are thankful that Mrs. Patterson hasn't mentioned Mrs. Shimshack this week. I am thankful that my experiment seems to be a success.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult, especially during the holidays. One way to help make your boyfriend feel a part of your Thanksgiving celebration is by taking pictures of your meal and showing him the photos during your next prison visit. Describe to him in great detail how delicious each dish was, and how the wine accompanied the dishes perfectly, so that he can feel like he was there.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while I understand wanting to knock off the easier tasks on your to-do list first, keep in mind that changing your marital status back to "Single" on social media sites before your spouse is even dead could alert the authorities to your plans.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult, especially when he has trouble telling you how much you mean to him because his jaw has been wired shut after being roughed up by some guards. So when he is feeling good enough for visiting hours, you must do all the talking for both of you so that he doesn't have to struggle to be understood. That will help lower his anxiety about expressing his love and appreciation for you. Be sure to tell him that you know just how much you mean to him.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I continued my experiment to help Mrs. Patterson stop talking about the dead Mrs. Shimshack. I double-checked the setting on the machine to make sure it was at medium high, and was very careful not to bump into it. I didn't want a repeat of what happened last week. I asked some of the other patients if Mrs. Patterson had mentioned Mrs. Shimshack during the week, and they told me that mostly she talked about her head being on fire. I marked that down as inconclusive. Mrs. Patterson didn't want to go into the basement today, and said she wasn't feeling good. But after I told her that I would have to start the whole experiment over if we lost another week, she agreed to go with me. This wrapped up the four-week course of treatment. Before I left, I gave each of the other patients a chart to mark down any time Mrs. Patterson mentions Mrs. Shimshack, and will check with them weekly over the next month to see how successful the experiment was.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

An open house presents an opportunity to unload some evidence. While poking around, you can drop things in the oven or at the back of a closet or even in the furnace. If the place is fully furnished, all the better! You can leave evidence in dresser drawers or under a bed. Just be sure there are several other people looking at the place, so that it isn't obvious where the evidence came from. Don't stay too long and talk with the realtor. And don't sign the visitor log.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today marked the fourth week of my experiment to help Mrs. Patterson accept that Mrs. Shimshack is dead and not out to get her. Though the early results were promising, Grandmother had advised me to complete a four-week course of treatment before drawing any conclusions on the effectiveness of my experiment. But today I accidentally bumped the machine, and the setting was switched from medium high to high, and Mrs. Patterson's hair caught on fire. Fortunately, I had a fire extinguisher in my laboratory and got the fire out pretty quickly. Still, I don't think I should count today's results, and so after I cleaned up Mrs. Patterson I told her that we would continue the experiment next week.

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, I had a wonderful trip, thanks to the generosity of Fanny Game fan Josh Perez. I visited some of my old haunts, met up with a few former associates, and now am back at Winsome Headquarters. While I was traveling, I had an opportunity to attend a special symposium on artificial intelligence, and picked up some good pointers for the experiment I'm working on. It's still all hush-hush, Kiddies, but you'll be the first to know about my success once I've completed this experiment.

Edward's Traveling Haunted House

The children won't soon forget this year's traveling haunted house. The last two weeks I've been on the road, scaring the pants off the kids. And tonight one little boy got so frightened he actually wet himself. For a moment, I got nervous because he was strapped to the electric chair. But he was fine. He received no more of a shock than any of the others. I helped dry him off and then wiped down the chair before letting in the next child. Happy Halloween!

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I am celebrating my birthday, and thanks to that wonderful gift from Fanny Game fan Josh Perez, I've decided to take a little impromptu trip to visit some of my old haunts.

Fanny Mail: An Update From Josh Perez

Kiddies, today I received a package from Josh Perez of San Antonio, Texas. You'll remember that Josh wrote to me back in August after committing a few missteps on his first job. I knew he had some talent and encouraged him not to give up. It's great to hear from him again. In the letter included in the package, Josh writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, thank you for believing in me, and for your encouraging words. If it weren't for you, I never would have started in this line of work. And if it weren't for your reply to my earlier message, I certainly would not have continued it. So to show my thanks, and to help you celebrate your birthday, I wanted to give you a small portion of the spoils of my first big job. So I'm including $5,000 in unmarked bills. Spend it on something fun."

What a wonderful birthday gift! Thank you so much, Sweetie! I am thrilled that my advice has helped you succeed. If you put your mind to it, there is nothing you can't accomplish.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult, especially around the holidays. One way to help your boyfriend have a memorable Halloween is to pay a few of the prison guards to give him a good scare after lights out. It might not be as enjoyable as one of those haunted hayrides, but he'll appreciate the effort.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

After starting my new experiment last Saturday at the Birch Street Nursing Home, during the week I got some tips from Grandmother. First, she told me not to worry about how Mrs. Patterson didn't speak afterward, that it was just a short-term side effect. She also told me I didn't have to wait for Mrs. Patterson to mention Mrs. Shimshack before administering the treatment. Then she suggested I set the machine at medium high, which was a higher setting than I used last week. She also told me I should complete a four-week course of treatment before drawing any conclusions. At that point I can re-evaluate and decide whether another four-week course is necessary.

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Patterson was talking with Mrs. Henley. I asked Mrs. Henley and the other patients if Mrs. Patterson had mentioned Mrs. Shimshack much during the week. Though they couldn't agree on a specific number of times, they all said she did mention her. Mrs. Patterson was a little reluctant to go with me to my laboratory today, but I eventually coaxed her down the stairs and got the band with the electrodes attached to her head. I adjusted the setting to medium high and flipped the switched. This time she nearly jumped out of her seat, and when we were done she was confused as to where she was and how she got there. So I helped her back up the stairs and guided her to her room, where she took it easy the rest of the day.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning during the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson started shouting about Mrs. Shimshack again. But this time she went even further. She tore up her cards, saying that Mrs. Shimshack was not going to get her hands on her full house. I had planned on running some tests before conducting my experiment to help Mrs. Patterson, but after that outburst I decided to just go ahead and begin. I took Mrs. Patterson down to the basement and attached the band around her head. I fired up the old machine and then waited until Mrs. Patterson mentioned Mrs. Shimshack again. When she did, I flipped the switch. The old machine had enough power to give her a good jolt, even more than I was expecting. Mrs. Patterson didn't mention Mrs. Shimshack after that, but I am not ready to draw any conclusions because Mrs. Patterson didn't say anything at all the rest of the day. When we went back upstairs, Mrs. Lieberman had opened a new deck of cards.

Edward's Traveling Haunted House

I've finished refitting my ice cream truck as a traveling haunted house, and this year I think I've outdone all past efforts. Don't be surprised if you hear the screams of several children coming from the back of my truck.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, and some of the normal things that couples do aren't permitted. Though it was a little cool yesterday, I thought it would be a nice day for a picnic in the prison yard. So I packed sandwiches, cheese, some chocolate-covered strawberries and a bottle of wine, put it all in a basket that I bought specially for my visit, and tossed a nice tablecloth on top. But when I got to the prison, I was told I wouldn't be allowed to bring any of that inside. I was so upset that after my visit I finished off all the food and wine in my car before driving home. So before you put too much effort into planning something special for your next visit, request a printed set of rules from the prison warden. You'd be surprised what is not allowed.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I continued preparing for my experiment to help Mrs. Patterson. Last week I took measurements of her head, and this morning I started making the band that will go around it to hold the electrodes in place. I need to add some padding so she'll be comfortable. And I think I might need a little more wire.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, but only being able to see each other briefly during visiting hours makes that time together much more special. So tell him you couldn't be happier, and that there's no place you'd rather be.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Edward's ice cream truck has been parked out back of Winsome Headquarters the past two weeks, and last night I went inside to see if there was any ice cream left. I was happy to see nearly a dozen containers. I asked Edward if it would be okay if I took a couple of gallons to the Birch Street Nursing Home to share with the patients. He surprised me by telling me I could have it all. I was worried that it would be difficult to carry and that it might melt during my forty-minute walk this morning, but Edward offered to drive me. He said he had to go out to the hardware store anyway to pick up clamps for his traveling haunted house. The patients were thrilled when they saw all the ice cream, and while Mrs. Patterson was enjoying her dish of rocky road, I took her head measurement for my new experiment.

Edward's Traveling Haunted House

The traveling haunted house is going to be more terrifying this year than any of the previous years. I spent this week gathering the items I needed, including thick rusty chains, a large spool of wire, leather straps, and an old sturdy wooden chair. Now I just need to run out to a fabric store to purchase some heavy black cloth.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, call your representatives and demand that they nominate Grandmother Winsome as replacement for Speaker of the House. Both sides of the aisle will come together for Madam Speaker Winsome.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, but it's all worth it when he writes a love poem about how much he missed you the week you didn't visit. Reward that behavior by putting more money in his commissary account and promising to never miss visiting day again.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The weather is cooler, so the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home are no longer going outside to play poker. The time I would have spent moving the poker tables and chairs outside and then back inside again, today I was able to use instead in my basement laboratory. It had been a while since I had been down there, and there were a lot of cobwebs to clear out of the way. A few test subjects were left in the sack, but I had to toss those out. Now that my lab is nice and clean again, I'm excited to start a new experiment, and will use my time at school this week to jot down some ideas.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult. But remember, just because there are visiting hours every week doesn't mean you have to go. If your boyfriend isn't giving you what you need, then take a week off and do something nice for yourself. That time apart will also give him the opportunity to realize how fortunate he is to have such a wonderful girlfriend.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Although we had our end of summer bash last week, today the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home said they wanted to go outside one more time before the weather turned cold. But after just a single hand of poker, the light breeze had them shivering, even with their heavy sweaters on, and we moved the tables back inside.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

The weather is getting cooler, and there wasn't a lot of action in the park today. No matter how many times I played that jingle, I couldn't coax the few kids over to my ice cream truck. So I used the time to begin sketching ideas for my traveling haunted house. I want to go all out this year, and scare the pants off the children faster than ever before.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult, particularly on those nights when you are upset and want to tell him he's not paying you enough attention, but are reminded that the prison rules forbid you from calling. What you should do, before you calm down, is write a list of all the points you want to make, and then take that list with you the next time you visit.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home really enjoyed spending time outdoors this summer. Since the season is coming to a close, I decided to hold an end of summer bash today. I took two bottles of tequila from Jane's room at Winsome Headquarters to help the patients celebrate. And it wasn't long before everyone was smiling, munching on pretzels, and chatting away. The most lively topic was Mrs. Lowe and the other patients that we visited last week at the Birch Street Cemetery. Mrs. Patterson had a little too much tequila and tried to organize a digging party to investigate Mrs. Shimshack's grave, but nobody else was interested. By late afternoon, a light breeze had picked up, and some of the patients remarked that it was now time to put away their light sweaters and get out their heavy sweaters.

An Important Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, after you escape from prison, your most pressing concern should be placing as much distance as possible between you and the facility. Don't dawdle. And don't commit any more crimes within that immediate area. Your goal is to make the search perimeter as wide as possible.

Grandmother Winsome's Play Action

Football season has started, Kiddies, and I had a successful first week! Everything went just as I had planned. But I held off betting on one of the games because I didn't recognize the name of the referee. Looks like I need to make some phone calls to dig up information on this guy, and then have a little chat with him.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult. Sometimes you might feel you're not getting enough attention from your man. When you feel that way, choose a male security guard to conduct your strip search on your next visit, and make your boyfriend jealous by telling him you enjoyed it.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while flea markets can provide an easy way to get rid of evidence, especially if you price everything cheaply, keep in mind that authorities in some areas are now closely monitoring these places for stolen goods.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today the chatter around the poker tables at the Birch Street Nursing Home was all about meeting Mrs. Lowe's niece last week. Mrs. Henley suggested that we should all go pay Mrs. Lowe a visit, and the other patients were excited about the idea. So we went across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery. Mr. Tanaka had never met Mrs. Lowe, or any of the others buried at the cemetery, but he tagged along for the exercise. We visited Mrs. Lowe's grave, and then decided while we there to see the other former patients. And so we visited the graves of Mrs. Chang, Mrs. Geffner, Mrs. Shimshack, Mrs. Beaumont, Mr. Yeats, Ms. Jenkins, Mrs. Diaz, Mr. Oliveras, and Hazel.

A Tip For Baseball Players

Since most baseball managers don't allow cell phones in the dugout, have a trusted associate in the stands throw you a sign whenever there is a new Grandmother's Fanny Game post. Then get into an argument with the umpire. Once he's tossed you out of the game, you're free to go back to the clubhouse and read the new post.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It's always important to take care of your health, Kiddies! And make sure your associates are healthy too before you set out to do a job. You don't want one of them to alert an otherwise inattentive security guard by coughing or sneezing.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult. But one advantage is you don't have to worry about your boyfriend accidentally running into any of your friends. So you are free to exaggerate and embellish, knowing that anything you tell your friends can't be refuted by your boyfriend, at least not until he is paroled.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, while we were playing poker outside again, Mrs. Lieberman spotted a woman carrying flowers across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery. It was the first visitor any of us had ever seen at the Birch Street Cemetery. Mrs. Lieberman told me to keep an eye out for the woman, and to run over as soon as I saw her leaving and to persuade her to join them in the front yard. So that is what I did. I was so surprised when I learned who the woman was. She told me she had been looking up her family tree, and discovered she had an aunt that no one had talked about, and that aunt was Mrs. Lowe. I told the woman that I knew her aunt, and that made it easy to persuade her to go over to the Birch Street Nursing Home. The woman was excited to meet some of her aunt's old friends. Mrs. Lieberman told the woman that her aunt was one of the founding members of the poker club, and invited her to sit in for a few hands in her aunt's memory. And though the woman lost all the money she had with her in the game, she had a good time.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your wife has been pestering you to buy her a new dress and you just hate clothes shopping, purchase one for her that is at least three sizes too small. She'll feel complimented that you think she is that thin, and will also never ask you to buy her any clothes again.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Most children are back in school, so I am wrapping up my tour of the nation's parks and heading back to Winsome Headquarters. It's been a wonderful summer, and I met a lot of adorable children. In the next couple of weeks, while it's still warm, I will pick a local park to visit each afternoon when school lets out. And I will start making sketches for turning my ice cream truck into a traveling haunted house for Halloween.

 

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a man who is imprisoned can be difficult, especially when you've driven all that way in traffic only to find he's back in solitary confinement and you're not allowed to see him. Try not to hold it against him. Rather than pouting about it, treat yourself to a nice lunch on the way home, and remind yourself that once he's back on the streets he'll be eager to make up for lost time by taking you to the best restaurants.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, we played poker outside again. Mrs. Lieberman was determined to get another player into the game. So she asked Mrs. Henley to lie on the grass until the next time someone passed by and then shout out to him. It was maybe thirty minutes later that a bicyclist came by, but Mrs. Henley was fast asleep on the lawn. So Mrs. Lieberman called out to him. The man jumped off his bike and ran over to Mrs. Henley to help her up. Mrs. Lieberman told him that what would make her feel better is if he stayed to play a hand of poker. And he did, and actually won that hand. Mrs. Lieberman asked him to stay for another hand. She raised the stakes this time, and the man left afterward, with $40 less than he came with.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I'm continuing my tour of the nation's parks. The park I visited today didn't have a whole lot of action at first. I was getting ready to leave when I saw a couple of men setting up a large screen. I asked them what they were doing, and they told me that once a week they show children's movies at this park. So I decided to hang around until dark, and parked my ice cream truck near the restrooms. I'm so glad I did. Soon the park was teeming with adorable children. And no one complained that my flash camera was interfering with the film.

Fanny Mail: A Bumpy Start, But A Promising Future

Today I got an email from Josh Perez, a fan in San Antonio, Texas. Josh writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I have been a fan of your blog for several years, especially your Legal Advice. Studying your tips gave me the confidence to finally attempt a job this past weekend. But in my excitement I made several mistakes. After I got home, I started thinking of all the things I did wrong, and decided to go back and fix what I could. The first thing I did was collect the tools I'd left behind. Also, I had started to sweat partway through the job and so had taken my hat off and left it on top of the safe. I retrieved that too. Then I wiped the surfaces free of my fingerprints and emptied the packet of hair I'd collected from the barbershop onto the floor, which in my haste I had forgotten to do earlier. I felt better after fixing those mistakes, but I'm still not sure if I'm cut out for this. What do you think, Grandmother?"

Sweetie, while normally I would caution people against returning to the scene of a crime, in this instance, I think you did yourself a service. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes when starting out. And obviously you've learned from yours. I'm sure next time you won't be as nervous, and won't make as many mistakes. Keep at it, and keep reading my Legal Advice, and before you know it, you'll be in an out of those places without a speck of evidence left behind.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

When handing your boyfriend the nail file he asked for, be sure to tell him how pleased you are that he is still mindful of his appearance, wanting to look his best for your weekly prison visits. And tell him that, although it wasn't on his list, you also brought him a nose hair trimmer.