Grandmother Winsome Looks Back At 2020

Kiddies, 2020 is at an end, and I thought it would be fun to look back at the accomplishments of some of your favorite Winsome Family members. Cindy was able to make a lot of money this year working at the Birch Street Nursing Home while her school was closed due to the pandemic. And she has become quite a good little poker player. The pandemic didn't stop Edward from taking his ice cream truck on the road or, more recently, treating children to a visit with Santa Claus. Jane has been quiet the second half of the year, but early on she did some volunteer work at the rehab clinic. As for me, I had to put off my plans to travel to the Orient because of the pandemic, and I was unable to finalize a choice on the replacement for the Mexican maid. However, because I was at Winsome Headquarters for most of the year, I was able to conduct a lot more experiments than I had planned. Also, this year my delightful blog reached 100,000 views. Thanks, Kiddies!

Edward's 2020 Christmas Wrap-Up

I'm a little sad to put away my Santa outfit for another year. Redecorating my ice cream truck as the Santa Experience turned out to be a great idea, and was even more fun than playing Santa at the mall. After all, no one was there to monitor the line, so each child could have as much time with Santa as he wanted. No official photos were taken for the children's parents, but I did take my own set to add to my collection. I didn't make as much money as other years, but this was never really about the money.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were still in a festive mood, even though Mrs. Henley finished off all the leftover cookies during the night. Mrs. Patterson was feeling cheerful enough to lead the others in a game of bingo before the poker club dealt its first hand. The oldies station was playing all the patients' favorite Christmas songs, and when a slow song came on, Mrs. Kunkle said that Mrs. Lowe and Mr. Oliveras would have enjoyed dancing to it. Everyone agreed. I waited until all the patients went to bed before taking down the Christmas decorations.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Christmas Edition

I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home early this morning to decorate for the holiday. I pulled out the two cardboard boxes of Christmas decorations and got the activity room looking festive before the patients even woke up. I opened the bags of cookies I'd brought, and arranged the cookies on a tray. It wasn't long then before Mrs. Lieberman came down to set up the poker tables, and exclaimed that the room looked wonderful. Soon all the patients were playing poker, eating cookies, and enjoying the holiday. Tomorrow I'll have to take down the decorations before the nurses return on Sunday.

Christmas At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, you probably recall that my plans for a big Christmas light display fell apart last year when the three applicants for the position of Mexican maid electrocuted themselves and fell off the roof. Well, this year the display is up and lit, and it looks fantastic, thanks to my direction and the current applicant for the position getting over her fear of heights. I've had Edward check, and the pink lights on the roof can be seen for miles. Happy holidays, everyone!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Mrs. Lieberman and I were both happy to finally have two full tables for poker again at the Birch Street Nursing Home, thanks to the club's newest member, Mr. Shaw. He seems like a very nice person, and though he was quiet and never bluffed, I think he enjoyed himself. I noticed during the game that he was wearing one of Mr. Oliveras' favorite shirts. During a bathroom break, I asked Mrs. Lieberman about it. She told me that she'd gone into the closet where the deceased patients' belongings are stored and pulled out Mr. Oliveras' clothes for him, since he had arrived without any bags. Before I left for the evening, I told the patients that I would be back on Christmas day, and that I'd be bringing cookies.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, it might be better to end your relationship before Christmas rather than brave the crowded stores during a pandemic to find that person a special gift.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

This year, Christmas carolers are not only potential witnesses, but likely spreaders of a deadly virus, so kick them off your property immediately.

An Important Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, masks not only protect you from the coronavirus, but also from lip readers.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When planning your getaway, be aware of street-cleaning schedules and bus routes. You don't want to get stuck behind vehicles that will slow you down.

Edward's 2020 Christmas Plan

Every year I look forward to cleaning my Santa Claus suit and going to the mall to spread holiday cheer to the adorable children. However, the coronavirus pandemic has led the local mall to put stringent restrictions into place for this holiday season, and they are not allowing the children to sit on Santa's lap. So I've decided to set up shop myself. I will be parking my ice cream truck behind the mall and allowing one child at a time to enter the back of the truck, sit on my lap, and tell me everything his heart desires. And if a massage is what he wants, he's in luck, because my truck is still set up as the traveling massage parlor.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a note at the top of my list of chores that a new patient was going to be dropped off. When I shared the news with Mrs. Lieberman, she got excited and said now we can have two full poker tables again. But by the time the car pulled up out front, it was night, and the members of the poker club had already gone to bed. The man in the driver's seat of the car apologized for dropping Mr. Shaw off so late, but said he had to avoid all major roads on his way there. I took Mr. Shaw inside, and helped him get settled into Mr. Oliveras' old room. Mr. Shaw said the room suited him fine, and that he was just happy to be out of the car.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

During this pandemic, when people are working from home and not socializing, it will take longer to realize that someone is missing, allowing you more time to dispose of the evidence properly and carefully. Don't rush, Kiddies!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the man came back to pick up what he'd been storing in one of the vacant rooms the last two weeks. After he left, Mrs. Lieberman told me she was relieved that those trunks were no longer in the building.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Keep in mind, Kiddies, that using a disinfectant spray to wipe away fingerprints or DNA no longer appears suspicious. In fact, during this pandemic, your efforts will likely be looked on favorably by anyone who happens to see you.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you don't feel like buying presents for your children this Christmas, tell them that chimneys are a hot spot for the coronavirus, and to protect Santa's health you've sent a letter to the North Pole and instructed him to skip your house this year.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

 

Kiddies, because of the pandemic, be sure to build your snowmen six feet apart this winter.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson was in a tizzy. The moment I got inside, she began shouting at me that Mrs. Shimshack cannot be allowed to move back in. I tried to remind her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for seven years, but Mrs. Patterson ignored me and said she has seen the locked trunks in the vacant room upstairs. She pestered me all morning about the trunks, insisting that I unlock them so she could retrieve her stolen possessions. When I told her that I didn't have the keys, she accused me of being in cahoots with Mrs. Shimshack. Finally Mrs. Lieberman got fed up with our poker game being interrupted, and blurted out that she already looked through everything and none of it was Mrs. Patterson's. She then warned Mrs. Patterson that if she mentioned the trunks again, she'd be kicked out of the poker club.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

Happy Thanksgiving! I spent the holiday at the Birch Street Nursing Home, because the nurses had taken the day off to spend with their families. Each year, I ask the patients to share what they are thankful for. This year there was a common theme. Mrs. Kunkel, Mrs. Henley, Mr. Pearlman, Mr. Matthews, Mrs. Patterson and Mrs. Macmillan all said they are thankful to still be alive. Mrs. Lieberman is thankful that the poker club is back up and running, and nearly at full capacity. I am thankful that homeschooling has given me more opportunities to help Grandmother with her experiments. On the way home from the Birch Street Nursing Home, I had just enough time before dinner to make a brief stop at the Birch Street Cemetery to say hi to Mrs. Lowe, Mr. Oliveras and Hazel.

A Thanksgiving Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Because of the pandemic, it is dangerous to have guests for Thanksgiving dinner this year. So to include those people in your festivities, simply send them photos of your meal before you dig in. You might very well discover you find this preferable to actually having guests in your home. It could be the start of a new Thanksgiving tradition.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if a loved one is on his deathbed, cheer him up by reminding him of some of the many annoyances of life that he will soon no longer be bothered by. Here are a few examples: dentist appointments, traffic jams, canker sores, telemarketers, junk mail, stubbing one's toes, car repairs, plumbing troubles, mosquitoes, wedding invitations, eye witnesses, taxes, bad internet connections, calling customer service, airport security, rental car cleaning fees, changing the clocks every six months, hidden cameras in public restrooms, searching for misplaced reading glasses, hangovers, nosy neighbors, and socks with holes in them. After hearing that list, your loved one will be happy to move on.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today we had a rare visitor at the Birch Street Nursing Home, but he was not there to visit any of the patients. He said he had seen our classified ad and was wondering if he could use one of the vacant rooms to store some stuff for two weeks. He said he would pay us cash, and offered to pay for a full month. I started to tell him those rooms must be held open for new patients. But then Mrs. Lieberman reminded me we still had two other vacant rooms, and that we could use the money to add a little more excitement to our poker game. So I agreed to his offer. It took him almost an hour to move all his trunks up into the room. Word spread quickly that Mrs. Lieberman was going to divide the money among the players, and we ended up having enough players for both tables to be open.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Some cities are implementing curfews until they are able to get the pandemic under control. So be sure to get updates on the latest restrictions in areas where you're planning operations. You wouldn't want to pull off a successful job only to then get caught because you're breaking curfew.

Cindy's Remote Learning

I'm having a good time homeschooling here at Winsome Headquarters. Nearly every day Grandmother removes me from class early to help her with one of her experiments. Today I learned what temperature is needed for floppy disks to melt. The only things I miss are my school poker club and seeing Sniffles The Seventh at recess.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

Since Halloween, I've converted my ice cream truck into the traveling massage parlor. However, with the coronavirus pandemic still in full swing, I haven't had as many customers as previous years. So let me remind everyone that children are less likely to contract the virus.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Just as Mrs. Lieberman predicted last week, today we had a full table of players for poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the first time that's happened in over a month. Mrs. Kunkle was feeling good enough to play several hands even after completing her rounds of touching all the windows and light switches. She and Mrs. Henley also helped me complete my list of chores, which included renewing the ad in the classified section of the newspaper, and making sure it was updated to say three vacancies, not just two. I did take tea up to the rest of the patients, but didn't have to make too many pots because most of them seemed to be doing better. Maybe by next week we'll be able to open up the second poker table.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, no one knows what happens when we die. Pharaohs used to be buried with many of their possessions, including their servants, so they'd have what they needed for the afterlife. I wouldn't worry too much about organizing all that in your wills, Kiddies, but be sure to stipulate that a printout of all my Tips For Better Living be placed in your coffin. That way, you'll be ready for whatever awaits you on the other side.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if one of your accomplices is hard of hearing, be sure to have a written plan so that during the operation you are not yelling out instructions that could be heard by security guards.

Fanny Mail: Election Results From Georgia

Kiddies, today I received an exciting email from Shandra Monroe of Macon, Georgia. Shandra writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, on Election Day the line at my polling station was really long. I was just about to give up and go home, when the person behind me began talking about Grandmother's Fanny Game. I got so wrapped up in what she was saying, that before I knew it I was at the front of the line. What a tremendous day! Not only did my candidate win, but some legal advice I heard while in line is certain to help my nephew avoid a long prison sentence. Grandmother, when it comes to the best advice, you've got my family's vote."

Shandra, your message tickled me pink. I am so pleased that one of your fellow citizens was spreading the word about Grandmother's Fanny Game, and that my advice is coming in handy for your family. Keep reading the blog, Sweetie!

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while it might seem fun to make a fashion statement with your mask, remember that you don't want to wear something that makes you more easily identifiable. So when it comes to masks, the plain blue medical ones are best. Or, if you wish to avoid disposable masks, choose basic black.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I was pleasantly surprised to find Mrs. Henley waiting at the poker table. She said she was feeling much better today, and was eager to play. So she, Mrs. Lieberman and I played poker for most of the morning and early afternoon. Mrs. Kunkle wasn't feeling good enough to join in, but she was able to gather enough energy to do two of her rounds of touching all the light switches and windows in the building. Mrs. Lieberman said she is confident that by next week we'll have a full table of players.

Spread The Word

Remember, Kiddies, electioneering is not permitted at polling places, so when you're in line to vote today, instead of discussing the candidates or ballot measures, tell those around you about Grandmother's Fanny Game. Depending on how long the line is, you may even have the chance to share with them several of your favorite posts.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Because of the illness and the recent deaths at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I wanted to do something to cheer up the remaining patients for Halloween. So I stopped by the store on my way in and picked up some candy. However, most of the patients were not feeling up to celebrating. When I got to Hazel's room, she was in her usual spot by the window, but there was a terrible smell and Hazel was not looking good. Mrs. Lieberman was the only patient out of bed, so I asked her to check on Hazel. After a few moments, she came back and told me that Hazel was dead, and probably had been for at least a day. I called the head nurse from the office to give her the news. She didn't answer, so I left her a message, and then went back to doing my rounds. Though Mrs. Henley was not feeling good enough to get out of bed, she was feeling good enough to eat some candy. When she saw that my pumpkin pail was still nearly full, she offered to eat whatever candy the other patients didn't want. I left the pail on her bedside table.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I just want to thank you for all the birthday wishes. And yes, I am having a great day. I took a nice long walk this morning, disposed of a little evidence along the way, and now I am back at Winsome Headquarters, enjoying a big piece of chocolate cake.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Because of the ongoing pandemic, do not let trick-or-treaters reach into your bowl of candy this year. Instead, make them stand several feet away from your porch and throw the candy at them from your door.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice: Halloween 2020 Edition

Kiddies, be aware that there will be a full moon this Halloween. Your nighttime activities will run a greater risk of being seen because the sky will be brighter.

An Update From Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, the coronavirus pandemic continues to be a problem, and there was even an outbreak at Cindy's school that led to its closure. But on the bright side, having Cindy at Winsome Headquarters with me the last few weeks has really been a bit of good fortune. In fact, with her help I was able to finish one of my experiments nearly a week ahead of schedule. Some of the results have been surprising. Who would have thought that squirrels, even those deprived of sleep, could detect the presence of tiny amounts of mercury on acorns and walnuts?

Fanny Mail: A Grave Concern In San Jose

This morning I received an email from Denise Jones-Martinez of San Jose, California. Denise writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, recently my wife's favorite aunt died, and we are worried about grave robbers. We've had a couple of family plots disturbed before, and this seems like a year for grave robbing, particularly now as Halloween is approaching. How can we make sure Aunt Guadalupe rests in peace?"

Well, Denise, I recommend purchasing one of those little doorbell cameras and placing it on the headstone. You can monitor any graveyard activity from your smart phone. The better doorbell cameras include speakers so you can scare away any intruders from the comfort of your home, and know that Aunt Guadalupe will have a restful Halloween.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning I was sad to find that most of the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home were sick in bed. Mrs. Kunkle wasn't feeling good enough to do even a single round of touching all the windows and light switches. When I was distributing the medicine, Mrs. Patterson shouted at me from her bed to close her door. She said that if the door was left open, Mrs. Shimshack could get in more easily and steal her away, like she did with Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Lowe. I explained to her that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for seven years, and now so are Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Lowe. But I still closed the door on my way out of her room. I hope everyone is feeling better by Halloween.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

 

 

Kiddies, because of the pandemic, remember to disinfect the headstones before doing your gravestone rubbings this year.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I learned there was more sad news at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Lieberman told me that Mrs. Lowe died Wednesday evening. The other patients weren't feeling up for poker today, and most of them stayed in bed. When I was doing my rounds distributing the medicine, Mrs. Henley told me Mrs. Lowe died of a broken heart, but now she and Mr. Oliveras are able to dance together again. She then asked me to make her a cup of tea to help soothe her throat. I ended up making several pots of tea, because Mrs. Macmillan and Mr. Pearlman were also coughing a lot. The head nurse left a note for me to call back the local newspaper to change the classified ad to say there are now two vacancies.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, your coronavirus mask does not constitute a Halloween costume, so don't expect to get any candy if you're not willing to put in more of an effort.

Edward's Traveling Haunted House

I have once again refitted my ice cream truck for Halloween, turning it into a frightening haunted house. I know that parents are concerned about their children's safety this Halloween because of the pandemic, but I want to assure everyone that I will be thoroughly cleaning and disinfecting my traveling haunted house after each child exits. And only one child will be in the vehicle with me at a time. So no one should have any worries.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, these days lots of people are having to move out of their homes because of unemployment, and you may have friends or family who are in the process of moving. But remember, with the coronavirus pandemic showing no signs of slowing down, you have the perfect excuse to avoid helping them with their move.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was sad news today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. When I arrived, I found a few of the patients gathered in Mrs. Lowe's room. Mrs. Lowe was sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, but that made her cry harder. Mrs. Lieberman then took me aside and told me that Mr. Oliveras had died on Thursday. I was surprised because last week Mr. Oliveras said he was certain he'd be feeling better for the next poker game. I made a pot of tea for Mrs. Lowe and for the other patients who were feeling down. Because of the sad news, I told the patients I would complete today's list of chores myself. In addition to the usual tasks, the head nurse had included two extras – putting the vacancy sign out front by the road and placing an ad in the local newspaper's classified section.

Cindy's Remote Learning

I wrapped up my first week of homeschooling here at Winsome Headquarters, and I learned a lot. Late this morning, Grandmother had me close my computer and help her in her laboratory. She taught me that mixing certain chemicals works to remove blood stains from burlap.

Another Surprise At School

This morning at school there was an announcement that all students were to gather their books and other belongings to take home. There was a coronavirus outbreak, and several students and a couple of teachers are sick. Looks like I'll be homeschooling at Winsome Headquarters for a while.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw that Mrs. Lieberman had set up only one poker table in the activity room. She told me that Mrs. Lowe, Mr. Oliveras and Mrs. Henley wouldn't be joining us because they were sick in bed. It just wasn't the same without them, and whenever there was a break in the action, I took some tea up to their rooms. Mr. Oliveras said he was certain they'd all be feeling better for next week's game. During one of the hands today, Mrs. Lieberman asked me how my school poker club was going. I was happy to tell her that I got three new members this week. That meant more lunch money in the pot for each game.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, before you rent a cabin deep in the woods, be sure to read the rental agreement carefully. There may be a hefty cleaning fee for scrubbing the blood from the wood floors.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it looks suspicious if you don't replant the flowers after you bury the bodies.