Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you think the authorities are getting close, sleep in your clothes, running shoes and all, to give yourself a better chance of escape if they come knocking on your door early in the morning.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

While alcoholics and drugs addicts are still a decent pool to pick from, going to group therapy might not be the best way to meet them. For a group of people who love alcohol and drugs, you'd be surprised how boring the meetings are. So instead, hang out at the bar nearest the location of the meetings. There you will find those from the group who still know how to have a good time.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I helped Mrs. Patterson write her will. She said she didn't have much left, thanks to the thieving Mrs. Shimshack, but wanted to be sure what she had went to the right people. Most of her possessions will go to her friends at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Her little bedside clock will go to Mr. Oliveras, her cane to Mr. Pearlman, and her unused portion of medication to Mrs. Henley. Mrs. Patterson suddenly pulled me close to her and whispered that she had one item of tremendous value. "I've taken great pains to keep it hidden all these years," she said. "Even keeping it from the greedy hands of Mrs. Shimshack." Before she would reveal the item to me, she made me close my eyes. Several minutes passed before she allowed me to open them again, but when I finally did, she was holding a beautiful jeweled brooch. She told me her husband gave it to her on their first wedding anniversary, and she wished to be buried in it. "So I'll be wearing it when my husband and I are reunited," she said. She made me close my eyes again while she put it away so that I wouldn't see where she keeps it hidden.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Often when people graduate from college, they leave many of their possessions behind, stacking them at the curb in front of whatever building they were renting. This provides a great opportunity to get rid of some evidence. Simply add it to the pile. The authorities, should they even discover it, will be busy tracking down every student who attended the nearby college.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, take a moment to inspect the fence rather than immediately cutting a hole in it, for there may already be an opening. Using the existing hole will save you time and is less likely to draw unwanted attention.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Sponsoring an alcoholic is a good way to keep a steady man in your life, but the group meetings can grow a little stale. So one week suggest the two of you skip the meeting and go out dancing instead. Remember, since you are his sponsor, he is obligated to take your opinions and suggestions seriously.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today the patients kept me busy at the Birch Street Nursing Home. When I arrived, Mr. Pearlman was waiting for me in the activity room. I noticed that Sniffles The Fifth was nowhere near him. Mr. Pearlman told me he had heard that I'd written a letter for Mrs. Lowe, and wanted me to do the same for him. The letter he had me write was a complaint letter addressed to the agency that provides his seeing eye dogs. He had me relate the story of Sniffles The Fifth getting loose, including the part where he fell down the stairs during the dog's absence. He also mentioned that he fell again a day later after tripping over the dog, and that when he went to reprimand the dog for getting underfoot, it bit him. While I was writing that letter, yet another patient, Mrs. Henley, noticed and asked for my help in writing to a childhood friend of hers, a girl named Betty. Mrs. Henley couldn't remember Betty's address or last name, so I just wrote "Betty" on the envelope. I slipped both letters into the mailbox on my way home.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Porta-potties are excellent places to dispose of small bits of evidence. You don't have to worry about clogging the pipes and drawing the attention of a nosy plumber. Plus, the men responsible for moving and emptying these toilets couldn't possibly care less about their contents.

Winsome Family History: April 18, 1959

It was sixty years ago today that the Winsome Family Carnival challenged the local law enforcement to a friendly game of softball. Those coppers defeated us handily, but the two hours of game time allowed for the relocation of some crucial evidence by some of the more athletic Winsome Family members.  

An Easter Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, if you are pressured by family members to go to confession this Easter, I strongly advise you not to divulge any of your actual sins. You can fill the time instead by admitting to the priest that you forgot to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates once since your last confession, and that you failed to spread the word at least twice.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you regularly pose as a nude model for art students, put an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your belly.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Sponsoring a handsome alcoholic can be very rewarding, but it is also hard work. You need to be available for your man at all hours, because you never know when he might have a moment of need. So you must always remain ready for a date, even early in the morning. Unfortunately, the handsome man I am sponsoring hasn't yet called me. So last night just after midnight I gave him a ring. When he picked up the phone, I asked him, "Are you sure you aren't having any cravings for alcohol?" He promised me he wasn't and said he was heading back to bed.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Lowe was pacing in the activity room, and staring out through the windows. The moment she saw me, she took me by the arm and told me the letter to her son must have gotten lost in the mail and she needed my help in writing a second one, since her hand was again shaky and she still hadn't located her eye glasses. When we finished the letter, she asked me to mail it right away. Because of that, I was late getting to the list of chores left by the head nurse. When I did finally look at it, I noticed a new task: "Get Mrs. Lowe back upstairs where she belongs!"

Today marked the first anniversary of my employment at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The head nurse has kept me quite busy this past year, but has rewarded my efforts. After spending some of my earnings on laboratory supplies, candy and a candle for Mrs. Chang's grave, I have nearly five hundred dollars saved.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you get arrested, use your one phone call to ask a friend if there have been any updates on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Fanny Mail: An Important Lesson Learned

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Walter Drewniak of Little Rock, Arkansas. Walter writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, after a lengthy custody battle, my divorce was finalized. The court granted me partial custody of my daughter. I was given weekends. Before this, I had always used Saturdays to go to the library to catch up on all things Winsome, since I do not have internet access at home. But Saturday, March 30th, was the first time I had seen my daughter in weeks, and I filled the day with outdoor activities that she loves, and we just never made it over to the library. And while it was wonderful spending the weekend with my daughter, in the days that followed, not having read your wise advice from the dates March 25th through March 29th, I made several mistakes. In fact, everything went wrong. After finishing an important activity in my garage, I divided the evidence. Some I quickly tossed in the nearest dumpster, and some into the tall grass across the street. However, the main body of evidence I left much farther away. Yet it was that main piece that the police found first, the thick plastic bag catching their eyes in the sunlight. And the evidence inside was perfectly preserved. Then, when they came to my house to question me, they found me adding the new photos of my activity to my scrapbook. I got so nervous that at the police station I completely failed my polygraph test. Now I am awaiting trial. I wanted to relate this tale, so that my plight could stand as a warning to others: Don't let anything keep you from checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates."

An important lesson, indeed! Sweetie, have your lawyer keep a close eye on the investigation. The police may make some small, but grave mistake during the course of their work, and you'll be able to win at trial on a technicality. Also, if the police haven't already confiscated your camera, have someone dispose of it for you. Because if the photos can't be connected to your camera, perhaps you could argue that you simply found those photos next to the dumpster, where the real culprit left them. And if the photos clearly show the inside of your garage, casually mention that you'd been forgetting to lock your garage door lately and that some hoodlums may have easily gotten inside. I hope you'll be back on the streets soon!

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you are beginning to suffer from Alzheimer's, leave notes all over your home reminding yourself to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

When a new person joins your therapy group for alcoholics and drug addicts, if he is handsome, go over to him immediately and offer to be his sponsor. That way, you won't have to interact with some of the lowlifes who attend these meetings. Group therapy will be more enjoyable when you have a date guaranteed for each meeting, someone you can sit with, someone who will get you a fresh cup of coffee.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I found Mrs. Lowe in the activity room staring out through the large windows. When she saw me, she told me she hadn't received a response to the letter I mailed to her son, but was sure he would be arriving to take her home any minute. She had her coat on, and her belongings were in her suitcase beside her. Later in the day, when I was nearly done with my chores, Mr. Pearlman's new seeing eye dog, Sniffles The Fifth, got loose, and I had to chase him all through the woods behind the Birch Street Cemetery. I finally caught him when his harness got tangled up in some low branches. When I got back to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I found that Mr. Pearlman had taken a tumble down the stairs. After I finished bandaging his head and was locking up for the evening, Mrs. Lowe was still seated by the window. "My son will be here any minute," she said as I left.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a doctor, write each of your patients a prescription for a daily dose of Grandmother’s Fanny Game. 

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you're giving a speech or presentation, and you feel you're losing your audience, get them back by pulling out your phone and reading a few Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as an X-ray technician, as you ask people to set aside their cell phones, tell them not to worry, that the procedure won't take long, and they'll be able to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates shortly.