A Tip For Hospital Staff

If you work at a hospital, announce "Code pink" over the intercom whenever there is a new Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update. That way, surgeons will know when they need to hurry to wrap things up in the operating room.

Fanny Mail: A Legal Advice Follow-Up

Kiddies, I just received an email from Simon Potts. Simon writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been following your blog, and your advice, for more than a year. Earlier today I was surprised, and slightly embarrassed, to see you'd posted a photo of a cooler I had hidden. I didn't expect anyone would discover that cooler, but you came across it within hours of my hiding it. Fortunately, after reading your legal advice this morning, I was able to move the cooler to a more suitable spot before the authorities could discover the evidence. Thank you, Grandmother Winsome! You're a real life saver!"

You're welcome, Sweetie! I am always delighted when I can be of help.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it is almost never a good idea to conceal evidence in a cooler, for a cooler will actually help preserve the evidence. Plus, coolers are often brightly colored, making them easily noticeable. But if you are going to hide evidence in a cooler, at least be sure to actually bury it. Sprinkling a bit of dirt on top is just not going to cut it.

Spread The Word

While it is best not to litter, if you toss a bottle into the ocean, be sure to first put a note inside which reads "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Edward's "For Your Information"

Some parks have special fenced areas for children to play. Adults not accompanying a child are prohibited from entering those areas. But a plastic doll wrapped in a blanket will fool most people, especially if it's in a stroller.

Rest In Peace, Mexican Maid

Hi, Kiddies! As you know, the Mexican maid is gone, but she has not yet been forgotten. I thought I'd take a moment to honor her memory.

The Mexican maid was an employee here at Winsome Headquarters for many years before she was eliminated by aliens. She helped me with several experiments, perhaps most importantly the cryonics experiment, for which she did a lot of the hands-on work. The Mexican maid enjoyed dusting, mopping blood off the floor, holding the fireworks on Independence Day, and capturing stray cats for my experiments. When an alien presence began keeping tabs on the activities in Winsome Headquarters, the Mexican maid was instrumental in keeping me informed, providing updates while I was safely away at Winsome Auxiliary Building G. Unfortunately, the aliens planted a listening device in the maid, and she died as a result. The Mexican maid is survived by her many children, but they were deported in one of those sweeps last year, and so could not pay their last respects.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw that one of the first-floor windows had been smashed in. The head nurse had once told me that in case of emergency, I must call her and not the police. So that is what I did. She instructed me to sweep up the glass, and then make a list of everything that was stolen. She also told me to call all the local window replacement businesses to get estimates for repairs, and in the meantime to find a large piece of cardboard in the basement to cover the window. I didn't notice anything missing, and the only patient who came forward claiming to have been robbed was Mrs. Patterson, who shouted that Mrs. Shimshack had risen from the grave to steal from her again.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today my list of chores at the Birch Street Nursing Home included cleaning the room where Ms. Jenkins used to live. The head nurse left me a note saying they'd had a Valentine's Day celebration in that room, but hadn't had a chance to tidy up yet. When I asked the patients if they had a good time, they seemed confused and said they'd all been sent to bed early that day. But the room was a mess. I filled a large trash bag with empty liquor bottles, mopped the floor, and put all the underwear I found under the bed into the wash.

Spread The Word

If you work at a hospital, whenever you announce a code blue over the intercom, also say "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Spread The Word

When filling out a greeting card, if you find you have a lot of extra space, write "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game" in giant pink letters.

A Word From Grandmother Winsome

If you arrive late to a meeting, be honest and tell everyone you were enjoying the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog and simply lost track of time.

Looking For A New Mexican Maid

Kiddies, I've received several responses to my classified ad for a new Mexican maid. But because none of the applicants so far have experience with cryogenic tanks, I've decided to hold off on the interviews until next week.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was eager to get to the Birch Street Nursing Home today to see if my concoction helped Mrs. Kunkle with her disorder. While I went about my chores, I did my best to keep an eye on her and observe her behavior. And I was pleased to note that Mrs. Kunkle did not go around to all the rooms to touch the light switches and windows. Before I headed home, I went into Mrs. Patterson's room and told her she wouldn't be bothered by Mrs. Kunkle anymore, that Mrs. Kunkle would not be in her room again. "That's good," Mrs. Patterson said, "because she was in my room just yesterday, trying to steal from me."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, these days it might be better to wear a dark mask at night instead of painting your face black for certain activities. You don't want to chance getting arrested for burglary and then be accused of being a racist on top of that.

Spread The Word

If you have the opportunity to deliver a speech at a wedding, be sure to tell the happy couple that they will have a long and prosperous marriage provided they follow all of Grandmother Winsome's advice.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if the authorities arrest another person for crimes you've committed, be sure not to commit that same type of crime again, for that might prove to them they've arrested the wrong person.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Take any bloody clothing you might have to the hospital and toss it in the trash can nearest the emergency room. No one will be alarmed to find blood-soaked garments there, for it's perfectly reasonable that they came from severely injured patients.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a costumer for movies and television, dress all the extras in Grandmother Winsome pink.

Grandmother Winsome's Eventful Super Bowl Sunday

Kiddies, yesterday I won a considerable amount of money on the Super Bowl, but lost the Mexican maid. She succumbed to the implant left by the aliens. After the game, Cindy told me the maid seemed to be in bad shape, and when I went outside to check, I saw that she was right. I brought the maid into my laboratory so I could perform a hasty operation to find and remove the listening device the aliens had planted inside her body, but was too late. The device was impossible to locate, and the maid didn't make it. To be safe, I burned her body. I'm going to have to use a small portion of my Super Bowl winnings to put a classified ad in the paper for a new Mexican maid.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Telling young children the secret password for entry to your tree fort will make them feel special.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home earlier than usual and rushed through my chores so that I could spend as much time as possible in my basement laboratory working on a concoction to cure Mrs. Kunkle's disorder. After the incident last week with Mrs. Patterson, I knew it was up to me to get Mrs. Kunkle to stop needing to touch every light switch and window several times a day. Late this afternoon, I had a mixture that I thought might work and presented the cure to Mrs. Kunkle. Before she drank it she told me, "Don't feel bad if it doesn't work." I wanted to stick around to see the results, but by then it was getting dark and I needed to get home to help Grandmother keep an eye on the Mexican maid. So I won't know if I was successful until next week.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your child’s school requires a note from a parent to explain an absence, simply write that he or she was home enjoying episodes of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute.