Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your activities take you into the woods at night, it might be beneficial to take your maid along with you. She can go on ahead and remove any rocks or branches from your path, and warn you about any holes she fell into.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're a stuntman, wait until you've safely landed on the pads below.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, a well-crafted and cleverly deployed rumor that targets another individual can throw the authorities off your trail. Remember, a successful rumor has an element of truth to it, so give the police at least one thing they can verify.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I found a note from the head nurse attached to my list of daily chores. In the note, she told me that next week she would need my help Thursday through Sunday, instead of just Saturday, because the nurses are going on vacation. Those extra three days mean another thirty dollars for me, which is going to be useful.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Back-to-school shopping has begun and the department store changing rooms are extra busy.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If someone asks you to help him or her move, be wary, as the person might be trying to get another set of fingerprints on evidence. If you've already committed to help, then be sure to wear gloves.

Fanny Mail: The Perfect Rose

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Thelma Miller of Thomasville, Georgia. Thelma writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my passion is growing roses, and I recently won first place in a major competition. Afterward, when asked by a local reporter for the secret of my success in growing the perfect flower, I told her I use only the best soil and fresh spring water. While that is true, I believe the real reason for my success is that I read to my roses your Fanny Game blog updates."

Congratulations, Sweetie! I am tickled pink to learn of yet another area in which my blog can be so helpful. While I understand the urge to keep your method a secret, you should never pass up an opportunity to spread the word about Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, a fan recently sent this photo to me, and I became alarmed. I want to warn you all that keeping evidence in one of these self-storage facilities is never a good idea. But if you are going to do it, keep these points in mind:

• Place the evidence as far to the back as possible 
• Make sure you completely fill the unit with other things
• Don't store the boxes on a table, making them easy for investigators to reach
• Keep the boxes sealed, particularly if the evidence has an odor
• Make sure all labels are completely removed from the boxes
• Don't stack the boxes too neatly
• Remove any light bulbs from the unit so that it's more difficult to see

Remember, you don't want to make it easy for the authorities. If, when they open the unit's door, it looks to be a gargantuan task, they may put it off for a few days, or even forget it entirely if they can't spare the necessary manpower.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Contact the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce and nominate Grandmother Winsome for a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a projectionist at your local movie theater, instead of previews, run a few of your favorite episodes of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute before the feature.

Spread The Word

If you're in prison, tell the other inmates the only reason you were caught is that you failed to follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson began shouting that Mrs. Shimshack had stolen her call button. I thought nothing of it until Ms. Jenkins told me that her call button was missing too. I looked in all the patients' rooms, and couldn't find a single call button. I promised Ms. Jenkins I'd investigate, and began searching the entire building. The last place I checked was the basement. I didn't find the call buttons down there, but I did realize that with some cleaning and a little re-organizing, it would be a great place to conduct experiments.

Fanny Mail: Water Usage In California

Today I received an email from Roger Kline of Danville, California. Roger writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, during the last drought here in California, each household was told to reduce water usage by twenty percent. In my house, rather than figuring out the complicated math of each of us individually cutting back, since there were five us, we simply had Aunt Lilly go without water the entire summer. Now they are asking us to reduce our water usage again. Since Lilly is no longer with us, shouldn't the water that she would have used count as our reduction?"

Well, Roger, I think that the water Lilly would have used should certainly count, but the government might not see it that way. Certain cities have publicly shamed individuals who did not comply with water restrictions in the past, and you definitely don't want that kind of publicity or scrutiny. However, this was only done to people who failed to reduce their usage at all. So, to be safe, simply have each person in your household cut a couple of minutes from his or her morning shower. If the government officials notice any reduction at all, they'll know you're trying, and won't harass you.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're competing in a triathlon, wait until after the swimming portion of the race to pull out your phone.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

When looking for a date, don't forget firefighters. Firemen love it when you hang around the fire station. They have plenty of time on their hands, and are obviously looking for things to do, as indicated by the constant cleaning of their trucks. So pop over and chat them up. They will be delighted to see you.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've won your verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity, don't immediately act sane once you're in the mental hospital. That will seem suspicious. Let the doctors there heal you. It will take a little longer, but then you'll be back on the streets, free and clear.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are going for a verdict of not guilty by reason of insanity, during the trial, shout out, "I am not insane!" Then add, "Some of the voices are insane, but I've got them under control." You'll be well on your way to the desired verdict.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're the leader of a nation, wait until there is a pause in the peace talks.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your long-term partner isn't showing as much interest in you as he once did, reignite that spark by telling him that your car mechanic groped you. Pressing charges against the mechanic will eliminate any doubt in your boyfriend's mind that it actually happened. Once he sees that you are desirable to others, he will likely begin groping you again himself.

Feeling The Heat At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, loyal fan Gloria Washington was right. It is hot out there. I didn't realize how hot it was until the air conditioning system here at Winsome Headquarters ceased functioning. While waiting for the repairman to arrive, I had the maid open one of the cryogenic tanks and remove a cat. Keeping the cat near me has really helped cool me down.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you operate a roller coaster, make sure the ride has come to a complete stop before turning your focus to the blog.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Ms. Jenkins told me her call button wasn't working. I asked her to show me what she was talking about, and she pulled out a dusty and dirty old gadget from under her bed. When I examined it, I found that the battery inside had corroded. I replaced the battery with a fresh one from the pantry, then looked for call buttons in all the other rooms. Sure enough, each room had a call button under the bed. I replaced the batteries in all of them. Once the buttons were working, the patients had fun contacting me to have me open their windows, close their windows, and open their windows again.

Fanny Mail: Feeling The Heat In Missouri

Kiddies, I just received a lovely email from Gloria Washington of St. Louis, Missouri. Gloria writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I don't get out of my home much these days, but I do keep track of things on my computer. Today I saw a map showing the high temperatures all across the country, and those red and brown splotches made our nation look like a barren wasteland. Apparently record temperatures are occurring all over the world. And reading the news makes me feel that we are living in the last days. I just wanted to say that I'm glad Grandmother Winsome is here for the end."

Thank you, Sweetie! Do your best to stay cool. Drink plenty of water. And if you need to get up, don't stand up too quickly. Keep checking for Grandmother's Fanny Game updates, and we'll get through this together.

Fanny Mail: Carnival News

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Mason Burkhardt of Springfield, Missouri. Mason writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, a few years ago I inherited my grandfather's business, a traveling carnival. This came as a surprise, as my grandfather and I hadn't seen each other as much as I would have liked, but I soon fell in love with the carnival. I had heard that business had declined over the years, but hadn't realized to just what extent. I was faced with the difficult decision of closing for good, when business suddenly picked up. Curious as to the reason behind the new interest in carnivals, I began asking patrons. One answer I heard over and over was that Grandmother Winsome was encouraging people to visit carnivals. I did a little research, and discovered your blog. I just wanted to thank you, Grandmother, for helping me keep my grandfather's dream alive. In fact, with the new revenue, I've been able to double the carnival's pygmy population."

That's wonderful news, Mason! I can't begin to tell you how delighted I am at hearing word that carnival business is picking up again. And I am grateful to all my fans who are patronizing carnivals. Even though I am no longer affiliated with a particular carnival, I believe they still play an important role in society.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Look for me near lakes and other swimming holes the rest of the summer. When you get out of the water, all tired and wet, come over to my truck for a tasty treat.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're an airline pilot, refrain from doing so until you're through the heavy turbulence.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a maker of fine wines, print on the label, "This product is best enjoyed while reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you think the police are onto you, be careful not to leave your DNA anywhere. For example, do not toss your fast food cup into the trash in public. And take your own silverware to restaurants whenever you dine out. Or simply take the restaurant's silverware home with you when you've finished your meal.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If all else fails, Kiddies, tell the judge that you stabbed all those people because of a post-hypnotic suggestion planted in your head during a particularly eventful cocktail party and are not to blame.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you have trouble remembering names and recognizing faces, whenever you go to a place where you are likely to run into people you've met, wrap a large bandage around your head. Other people will think your faulty memory is due to a head injury and will not take offense when you have no idea who they are.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I welcomed a new patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home. After I helped her get settled in, I went back downstairs and updated the roster. I crossed Mr. Yeats from the list and added Ms. Jenkins.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you are a surgeon, be sure to sew your patient back up before taking out your phone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you are a firefighter, please make sure to first put out the blaze.

Independence Day Legal Advice

Kiddies, as pet owners will tell you, dogs get upset at the sound of fireworks and will often bark wildly in response. As a result, their barking is generally ignored on the night of July 4th. This is to your advantage, for your special nighttime activities have a better chance of going unnoticed.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, the night of July 4th is the perfect time to conduct activities you fear could be noisy and draw attention to your home. Just have your maid light off fireworks in your yard to mask the sounds.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Don't worry if your date takes you to the grocery store deli counter for dinner and uses a buy-one-get-one-free coupon. He is definitely saving money to buy a great gift for you.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you work as a lifeguard, wait until you've brought the drowning child safely back to shore before taking out your phone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you plan on undergoing hypnosis in order to quit a bad habit, be sure to take a friend along with you to monitor everything the hypnotist says. You don't want him or her counteracting any advice you received from Grandmother Winsome.

Spread The Word

If you work as a police officer, when telling someone to follow the posted speed limit, also tell the person to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.