Edward's Traveling Haunted House

The children won't soon forget this year's traveling haunted house. The last two weeks I've been on the road, scaring the pants off the kids. And tonight one little boy got so frightened he actually wet himself. For a moment, I got nervous because he was strapped to the electric chair. But he was fine. He received no more of a shock than any of the others. I helped dry him off and then wiped down the chair before letting in the next child. Happy Halloween!

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I am celebrating my birthday, and thanks to that wonderful gift from Fanny Game fan Josh Perez, I've decided to take a little impromptu trip to visit some of my old haunts.

Fanny Mail: An Update From Josh Perez

Kiddies, today I received a package from Josh Perez of San Antonio, Texas. You'll remember that Josh wrote to me back in August after committing a few missteps on his first job. I knew he had some talent and encouraged him not to give up. It's great to hear from him again. In the letter included in the package, Josh writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, thank you for believing in me, and for your encouraging words. If it weren't for you, I never would have started in this line of work. And if it weren't for your reply to my earlier message, I certainly would not have continued it. So to show my thanks, and to help you celebrate your birthday, I wanted to give you a small portion of the spoils of my first big job. So I'm including $5,000 in unmarked bills. Spend it on something fun."

What a wonderful birthday gift! Thank you so much, Sweetie! I am thrilled that my advice has helped you succeed. If you put your mind to it, there is nothing you can't accomplish.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be difficult, especially around the holidays. One way to help your boyfriend have a memorable Halloween is to pay a few of the prison guards to give him a good scare after lights out. It might not be as enjoyable as one of those haunted hayrides, but he'll appreciate the effort.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

After starting my new experiment last Saturday at the Birch Street Nursing Home, during the week I got some tips from Grandmother. First, she told me not to worry about how Mrs. Patterson didn't speak afterward, that it was just a short-term side effect. She also told me I didn't have to wait for Mrs. Patterson to mention Mrs. Shimshack before administering the treatment. Then she suggested I set the machine at medium high, which was a higher setting than I used last week. She also told me I should complete a four-week course of treatment before drawing any conclusions. At that point I can re-evaluate and decide whether another four-week course is necessary.

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Patterson was talking with Mrs. Henley. I asked Mrs. Henley and the other patients if Mrs. Patterson had mentioned Mrs. Shimshack much during the week. Though they couldn't agree on a specific number of times, they all said she did mention her. Mrs. Patterson was a little reluctant to go with me to my laboratory today, but I eventually coaxed her down the stairs and got the band with the electrodes attached to her head. I adjusted the setting to medium high and flipped the switched. This time she nearly jumped out of her seat, and when we were done she was confused as to where she was and how she got there. So I helped her back up the stairs and guided her to her room, where she took it easy the rest of the day.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning during the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson started shouting about Mrs. Shimshack again. But this time she went even further. She tore up her cards, saying that Mrs. Shimshack was not going to get her hands on her full house. I had planned on running some tests before conducting my experiment to help Mrs. Patterson, but after that outburst I decided to just go ahead and begin. I took Mrs. Patterson down to the basement and attached the band around her head. I fired up the old machine and then waited until Mrs. Patterson mentioned Mrs. Shimshack again. When she did, I flipped the switch. The old machine had enough power to give her a good jolt, even more than I was expecting. Mrs. Patterson didn't mention Mrs. Shimshack after that, but I am not ready to draw any conclusions because Mrs. Patterson didn't say anything at all the rest of the day. When we went back upstairs, Mrs. Lieberman had opened a new deck of cards.

Edward's Traveling Haunted House

I've finished refitting my ice cream truck as a traveling haunted house, and this year I think I've outdone all past efforts. Don't be surprised if you hear the screams of several children coming from the back of my truck.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, and some of the normal things that couples do aren't permitted. Though it was a little cool yesterday, I thought it would be a nice day for a picnic in the prison yard. So I packed sandwiches, cheese, some chocolate-covered strawberries and a bottle of wine, put it all in a basket that I bought specially for my visit, and tossed a nice tablecloth on top. But when I got to the prison, I was told I wouldn't be allowed to bring any of that inside. I was so upset that after my visit I finished off all the food and wine in my car before driving home. So before you put too much effort into planning something special for your next visit, request a printed set of rules from the prison warden. You'd be surprised what is not allowed.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I continued preparing for my experiment to help Mrs. Patterson. Last week I took measurements of her head, and this morning I started making the band that will go around it to hold the electrodes in place. I need to add some padding so she'll be comfortable. And I think I might need a little more wire.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, but only being able to see each other briefly during visiting hours makes that time together much more special. So tell him you couldn't be happier, and that there's no place you'd rather be.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Edward's ice cream truck has been parked out back of Winsome Headquarters the past two weeks, and last night I went inside to see if there was any ice cream left. I was happy to see nearly a dozen containers. I asked Edward if it would be okay if I took a couple of gallons to the Birch Street Nursing Home to share with the patients. He surprised me by telling me I could have it all. I was worried that it would be difficult to carry and that it might melt during my forty-minute walk this morning, but Edward offered to drive me. He said he had to go out to the hardware store anyway to pick up clamps for his traveling haunted house. The patients were thrilled when they saw all the ice cream, and while Mrs. Patterson was enjoying her dish of rocky road, I took her head measurement for my new experiment.

Edward's Traveling Haunted House

The traveling haunted house is going to be more terrifying this year than any of the previous years. I spent this week gathering the items I needed, including thick rusty chains, a large spool of wire, leather straps, and an old sturdy wooden chair. Now I just need to run out to a fabric store to purchase some heavy black cloth.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, call your representatives and demand that they nominate Grandmother Winsome as replacement for Speaker of the House. Both sides of the aisle will come together for Madam Speaker Winsome.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, but it's all worth it when he writes a love poem about how much he missed you the week you didn't visit. Reward that behavior by putting more money in his commissary account and promising to never miss visiting day again.