Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your wife has been pestering you to buy her a new dress and you just hate clothes shopping, purchase one for her that is at least three sizes too small. She'll feel complimented that you think she is that thin, and will also never ask you to buy her any clothes again.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Most children are back in school, so I am wrapping up my tour of the nation's parks and heading back to Winsome Headquarters. It's been a wonderful summer, and I met a lot of adorable children. In the next couple of weeks, while it's still warm, I will pick a local park to visit each afternoon when school lets out. And I will start making sketches for turning my ice cream truck into a traveling haunted house for Halloween.

 

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a man who is imprisoned can be difficult, especially when you've driven all that way in traffic only to find he's back in solitary confinement and you're not allowed to see him. Try not to hold it against him. Rather than pouting about it, treat yourself to a nice lunch on the way home, and remind yourself that once he's back on the streets he'll be eager to make up for lost time by taking you to the best restaurants.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, we played poker outside again. Mrs. Lieberman was determined to get another player into the game. So she asked Mrs. Henley to lie on the grass until the next time someone passed by and then shout out to him. It was maybe thirty minutes later that a bicyclist came by, but Mrs. Henley was fast asleep on the lawn. So Mrs. Lieberman called out to him. The man jumped off his bike and ran over to Mrs. Henley to help her up. Mrs. Lieberman told him that what would make her feel better is if he stayed to play a hand of poker. And he did, and actually won that hand. Mrs. Lieberman asked him to stay for another hand. She raised the stakes this time, and the man left afterward, with $40 less than he came with.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I'm continuing my tour of the nation's parks. The park I visited today didn't have a whole lot of action at first. I was getting ready to leave when I saw a couple of men setting up a large screen. I asked them what they were doing, and they told me that once a week they show children's movies at this park. So I decided to hang around until dark, and parked my ice cream truck near the restrooms. I'm so glad I did. Soon the park was teeming with adorable children. And no one complained that my flash camera was interfering with the film.

Fanny Mail: A Bumpy Start, But A Promising Future

Today I got an email from Josh Perez, a fan in San Antonio, Texas. Josh writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I have been a fan of your blog for several years, especially your Legal Advice. Studying your tips gave me the confidence to finally attempt a job this past weekend. But in my excitement I made several mistakes. After I got home, I started thinking of all the things I did wrong, and decided to go back and fix what I could. The first thing I did was collect the tools I'd left behind. Also, I had started to sweat partway through the job and so had taken my hat off and left it on top of the safe. I retrieved that too. Then I wiped the surfaces free of my fingerprints and emptied the packet of hair I'd collected from the barbershop onto the floor, which in my haste I had forgotten to do earlier. I felt better after fixing those mistakes, but I'm still not sure if I'm cut out for this. What do you think, Grandmother?"

Sweetie, while normally I would caution people against returning to the scene of a crime, in this instance, I think you did yourself a service. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes when starting out. And obviously you've learned from yours. I'm sure next time you won't be as nervous, and won't make as many mistakes. Keep at it, and keep reading my Legal Advice, and before you know it, you'll be in an out of those places without a speck of evidence left behind.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

When handing your boyfriend the nail file he asked for, be sure to tell him how pleased you are that he is still mindful of his appearance, wanting to look his best for your weekly prison visits. And tell him that, although it wasn't on his list, you also brought him a nose hair trimmer.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today while we were playing poker outside again at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients shouted at a jogger who was passing by. The man rushed over to the poker tables, and asked what was wrong. Mrs. Lieberman told him if he had twenty dollars he could join the game for a couple hands. The man apologized for not having any money on him. He said he never carries his wallet when running, but told the patients he hoped the next guy who passed by would have a pocket full of hundred dollar bills, and he continued on his way.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I've been touring the nation's parks and enjoying the sights. But today's park was a disappointment. There was no playground, and it was full of senior citizens seated on benches. Some of the old people started to shuffle over to my ice cream truck to make purchases, but I quickly closed up shop and was back on the road before they could get there.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Belts are not only stylish and help hold up your pants, Kiddies, but one can be used as a tourniquet if things go wrong.

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your child is misbehaving, threaten to put a password on his computer so he won't be able to access the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. That threat alone should forever straighten out your kid.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult. If he doesn't tell you he loves you during your visit, don't begin to doubt the relationship. He is probably just trying to keep up a tough image for any inmates and guards within earshot.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, we played poker outside again, and all the patients got excited when two well-dressed young men stopped by. But when Mrs. Lieberman learned that their pockets were full of pamphlets and not money, she sent them on their way.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, before submerging a car in a lake, be sure to remove the license plates and the Vehicle Identification Number.

An Important Message From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, if your house is on fire, don't stop to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates. Get out immediately, and check once you are a safe distance from the blaze.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, you should always be careful to avoid leaving DNA at the scene of a crime, so if you suffer from allergies, be sure to take your medicine several hours before you head out. You don't want a sudden sneezing fit to ruin an otherwise perfectly executed job.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I'm continuing my tour of the nation's parks. On Sunday, I went to buy a new scrapbook, after filling the one I had brought with me. There was a sale at the store, so I bought two. And it's a good thing I did, because today's park had a large playground with a dozen slides, and my ice cream truck was a magnet for cute kids. I must have taken close to a hundred photos. I am looking forward to organizing them tonight and pasting them in one of my new scrapbooks.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, but it's a relief to have a boyfriend you don't have to worry about. There's no chance of him driving his car off a bridge after a night of drinking, or burning his house down with a lit cigarette after passing out. It's comforting to always know exactly where your boyfriend is. Keeping this in mind will help you sail through the rough patches.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home wanted to set up the poker tables outside again. They were hoping another visitor might drop by for a few hands like last week. At one point, a woman walked by with her dog, but we could not get her to join the game.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I've been continuing my tour of the nation's parks in my ice cream truck. Business has been booming because of the high temperatures everywhere. And it's wonderful that children don't have to wear shirts and shoes to do business at an ice cream truck. Sometime this weekend I'll have to stop and pick up a new scrapbook, because the one I've been keeping is nearly full of photos.

Spread The Word

If you are responsible for creating the crossword puzzle for a daily newspaper or website, be sure to include at least one Grandmother's Fanny Game question every day. Here's an example to get you started:

"Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute Episode 2: Cat ____"

(Answer: Storage)