Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

While we were playing poker today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Kunkle reminded everyone at the table that the 4th of July is this Saturday, and she suggested we have a party to celebrate. Mrs. Lowe and Mr. Oliveras immediately volunteered to help with the planning. Mrs. Lieberman looked up from her cards to say that she could get some fireworks for the party. It looks like we're going to have a great 4th of July this year at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Fanny Mail: A Coronavirus Question From California

Good news, Kiddies! I've brought in the bag of letters I'd left outside. As you recall, after the pandemic began, I took the precaution of storing all incoming mail in a large plastic bag out back. Since then, my fans followed my request to submit all Fanny Mail via email, and so I forgot about the bag. Well, today Cindy reminded me of it, and since any germs that might have been on the envelopes are certainly now long dead, I asked her to bring in the bag. The first letter I grabbed out of it is from John Martin of Huntington Beach, California. John writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just pulled off a job that had been in the planning stages for months. The next step was the plastic surgeon's office, to change my appearance. However, today the surgeon suddenly canceled my appointment, saying that because of the coronavirus pandemic, all elective surgeries were being postponed indefinitely. I tried to explain that there was nothing elective about it, that it was a matter of life and death, but I couldn't persuade him to change his mind and honor my scheduled appointment. And, Grandmother, it might be a matter of life and death, for there was one witness who could identify me. Of course, I am wearing a mask whenever I am in public, but I am nervous about being identified. What would you do in this situation?"

Well, John, I see that your letter is dated from March, and I assume that by now you've managed to convince a surgeon to perform the necessary procedure or you've taken care of the witness. If not, while it is true that most plastic surgeons are back open for business, I understand that there is a long waiting list because of all the people who, like you, had appointments canceled at the outbreak of the pandemic. One way to move your name up the waiting list is to offer to pay the surgeon in cash under the table. If this doesn't work, keep in mind that you are close to the Mexico border. The surgeons in that country are much more understanding regarding special circumstances like yours.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Matthews was waiting for me by the front desk. He told me he had something he wanted to show me in his room right away. When I followed him upstairs, I was surprised to see that the little plant I had dug up for him last month had blossomed. Mr. Matthews said the little yellow flowers really brightened up his room. Just then, Mrs. Lieberman popped her head in the doorway and told me the poker club was about to play its first hand of the day. I rushed downstairs to claim a seat at the table. Mrs. Macmillan had a straight flush in that very first hand, which ended up being the beginning of a hot streak that lasted into the afternoon.

Fanny Mail: A Coronavirus Question From Washington State

Kiddies, today I took a moment to clear out my junk email, and found that a Fanny Mail from March 13th had mistakenly ended up in that folder. It is from Mary Anne Foster of Kirkland, Washington. Mary Ann writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I welcomed my first child into the world on January 21st. She and I bonded immediately. But today I learned of a health warning due to the coronavirus, recommending that people stay at least six feet apart. I was wondering what advice you might have for feeding my baby while maintaining the recommended distance. I will hold off going into her room until I hear back from you because I don't want to take any chances. I hope all is well at Winsome Headquarters."

Well, Mary Anne, as long as you wear a mask and don't stay in the room too long, you should be safe. I have read that in many cases it is prolonged exposure that causes the danger. And remember, once you leave the room, you should wash your hands for at least twenty seconds.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday for Mrs. Chang's birthday I went to the Birch Street Cemetery to clear the trash from her grave, and was surprised to find for the first time there was no garbage on it. Since I had the extra time, I went over to the Birch Street Nursing Home to play a few hands of poker with Mrs. Lieberman and her club before heading home. Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Henley was standing proudly on her scale, which she had moved to the center of the activity room. Several of the other patients were huddled around her. When she saw me come in, she waved me over and told me she had lost another four pounds for a total of ten in the last month. I congratulated her and told her she was looking great.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, parenting is not for everyone. So if you're adding a baby to the family, don't go overboard on purchasing clothing, toys and a crib right away. And for the items you do buy, be sure to leave the tags on and save your receipts.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There is a lot of joy at the Birch Street Nursing Home these days. Most of the patients spend their time together in the activity room, playing games and doing jigsaw puzzles. If only Mrs. Chang were still alive, I'm sure she would enjoy it now. Tomorrow is her birthday, and I plan on stopping by the Birch Street Cemetery to clear the trash from her grave.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you are approached by the authorities, be sure not to blurt out your alibi too quickly. At least wait until they've finished asking their first question.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, be sure to exercise caution when using video conferencing programs. Remember that everyone on the call is able to see not only you, but whatever might be around you. So depending on where you are, it might be best to hang a fake backdrop behind you so that people can't see what you're up to.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Spirits are high at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Pearlman hasn't taken a tumble down the stairs in weeks, Mrs. Patterson hasn't mentioned Mrs. Shimshack coming to steal her stuff, and all the chairs at Mrs. Lieberman's poker games are filled. Meanwhile, the nurses continue to work from home. When I arrived today, I found that the head nurse had left me payment for the rest of the month.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was another enjoyable day at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I am starting to really get the hang of poker. After the last hand was played, I asked Mrs. Lieberman if she noticed how Mrs. Kunkle touched the table seven times whenever she was bluffing. Mrs. Lieberman smiled, and then told me not to mention that to anyone else in the poker club.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My traveling coronavirus testing site was a hit with the children, but now that the parks and playgrounds are beginning to open up again, it is time to transition it back to being a full-time ice cream truck. And with social distancing still somewhat in place, it is easier than ever to keep the children's parents away from the truck.

Revisiting Jane's Earlier Volunteer Work

Kiddies, I've been having a delightful time following Jane's volunteer work at the rehab clinic. And, as a new case of scotch arrived at Winsome Headquarters today, I thought it would be fun to read over her previous work as a volunteer at the women's center.

Here are a few of the highlights, in Jane's own words.

Saturday, July 4, 2015:
Tonight I went out to a fireworks display with some young women from my group. I’ve been volunteering my time at a women’s center, giving young women dating advice and tips on other social interactions. It actually feels quite good to truly be making a difference, molding the minds and lives of impressionable young women. And it was fun sharing a drink with them while we watched the fireworks.

Monday, August 17, 2015:
I took some of the girls from the women's center out to one of my favorite bars over the weekend. We had such a good time, and apparently two of them continued the festivities right through today, missing their afternoon meeting. The center called me to ask if I'd seen them, and I assured them they must have gone home with the young men who had been chatting them up. It feels good to have such a positive effect on these troubled women.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015:
As a special treat, I took some of the women from my group out to get their nails done. They had a lovely time. As we were leaving the salon, one of them said they all needed to get going to their self-defense class. But I convinced them that a class like that could ruin all the beautiful work that was done, and instead we all went out for a mid-afternoon martini.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015:
Yesterday I showed up at the women's center, ready to take the girls out for another fun night on the town. But when I got there, the head of the center told me she'd already made reservations for us at the local bowling alley. She must have made a hasty choice because the place lacked a bar. So I drove the girls across town to a bowling alley where there is a fun atmosphere, because I know these young women like to drink. We had such a good time, and I didn't think of Glenn even once the entire evening.

Sunday, November 1, 2015:
The Halloween party at the women's center was a total success. The girls outdid themselves, exceeding even my expectations in the amount of alcohol they contributed. The center hadn't budgeted for a band, so Edward made me a copy of his new Halloween mix tape, which everyone seemed to enjoy. And the girls sure were surprised when the men started showing up. I'd assumed they'd each invite a date, but early in the evening I saw that this wasn't the case. So I sneaked out for a moment to some of the neighborhood bars, and told the men there that we were having a party with plenty of free alcohol. That's when things really got swinging. The party was so successful that the head of the center told me the girls would no longer need my help. But I assured her there was still plenty I would do to improve the girls' lives.

Thursday, May 5, 2016:
Spring is in the air. So today I helped the girls at the women's center create online personal ads to find them some men for this weekend. I was surprised to learn that none of the girls had any appropriate photos of themselves, so I had them pose provocatively and snapped some shots with my phone. I was running out of time, so for the last couple of girls we just used their driver's license photos.

December 3, 2017:
For the holiday season, I've decided to do my part for the community and go back to my social work. The women's center was not as welcoming as I would have expected, so I will be running my own group, holding meetings at various bars in the area every Saturday night from now until Christmas. Of all the girls I used to help at the women's center, only two still attend, so I know my methods are successful. I caught those final two women before they went inside the center last night, and told them about my plan. Though wary at first, the two women soon took to my ideas and by their third drink promised me they would not only attend my meetings and avoid the women's center, but would recruit other women in need to join us.

Jane's Volunteer Work

This morning the head of the rehab clinic where I've been volunteering pulled me aside and expressed concern that the course I've been giving the female patients might not be appropriate. I assured her that this week's class would be my last and that its subject, "Looking To The Future," would be in line with the rehab clinic's goals, and she gave me the green light to go ahead with it.

I managed to wrap up this week's class in a single day, and covered all these topics:

• Moving in with a man in order to stay off the streets
• Keeping your options open by terminating unwanted pregnancies 
• Getting money by befriending rich, elderly people
• Maintaining a youthful outlook through plastic surgery
• Installing a cold storage vault in your home to protect your furs 
• Avoiding future troubles by choosing a fresh start at a new location where no one knows you

I had a new student in my class today, a young woman who had just admitted herself to the clinic this morning. She approached me after class and told me she remembered this course from the women's center a few years ago. When I expressed my surprise that she was at a rehab clinic that caters to the wealthy, she explained that since meeting me at the women's center, she had taken my advice and had landed herself a nice rich boyfriend. With all the excitement of her new life, some of her old habits had resurfaced, and he had given her an ultimatum: Dry out or move out. So she checked herself in. To celebrate the young woman's success, I shared one of the small travel bottles of gin that I had in my purse. And I wished her well.

On my way out, I told the head of the rehab clinic that my work there was done, but that I might pop in from time to time to lend a hand.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Kunkle became the newest member of Mrs. Lieberman's poker club. She enjoyed herself, and was laughing even when she had lousy cards. However, after only ten hands, she had to excuse herself from the table to make her usual rounds of touching every window and light switch in the building.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in IT, while setting up a computer for a new employee, be sure to bookmark the Grandmother's Fanny Game page. This kind gesture will prove to the employee that he or she made the right decision in accepting the job.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, while some of the patients were on a bathroom break between poker games, Mr. Matthews asked me to come up to his room to check on his plant. He said he was worried he wasn't giving it the right amount of water. When I got to his room, the plant seemed fine. I checked the dirt's moisture and told him to just keep doing what he has been doing. He assured me he would.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're trying to unload a getaway car at a used car dealership, accepting the salesman's first offer might arouse his suspicion. Be sure to haggle a bit first, even if the money doesn't matter to you. Though used car dealers are known for their shady practices, even they might hesitate if they believe the car to have been stolen or used in a crime.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I spent the afternoon playing poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Lieberman gave me a quick lesson, and then she and the other members of her poker club welcomed me into their game. After my third full house, Mrs. Lieberman called me a natural.

Jane's Volunteer Work

Last week, at the urging of the head of the rehab clinic, I began working with the female patients. I created a course to help these alcoholic women improve themselves, using the same syllabus I used back in 2017 at the women's center. The first week, where I covered "Building Confidence By Using Makeup And Clothing To Enhance Your Best Features And Hide The Rest," was a complete success. This week's subject is "Jane's Guide To Dating In The Modern Age."  Today's class went a little more slowly than I'd expected, and we covered only these two topics:

• Ways to attract a man's attention
• Overlooking a rich man's bad qualities

We ended up spending a lot of time on that second point, but I aim to make up for lost time tomorrow. Over the next few days, we will cover the following topics:

• Having fun with a poor man on weekdays
• Ways that alcohol improves a date  
• Getting the best gifts from your dates
• Reasons to stay in an abusive relationship 
• Demanding more from unattractive men
• Turning a one-night stand into a longer relationship

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

More stores and businesses across the country are beginning to open up again, but the nurses of the Birch Street Nursing Home are being cautious and are continuing to work from home. That is fine with me, because it means I get to spend a few hours there each day again this week, playing games with the patients in the activity room and earning some more money. All the patients have been enjoying themselves, and some of them have even joined Mrs. Lieberman's new poker club.