A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you have any deformed relatives that you normally keep in the attic, let them out on Halloween night to scare the children. That will allow the maid a chance to air out the room.

A Halloween Tip From Cindy

If you have limited time to trick-or-treat, hit the houses with the biggest Halloween displays in their front yards. The bigger the display, the more candy the family will offer to trick-or-treaters.

Grandmother Winsome Pardons A Cat

Kiddies, it has become something of a tradition here at Winsome Headquarters to celebrate National Cat Day by releasing one of my many test subjects. So today I let Cat 006619 back out into the world. Its shark teeth implants and burn marks should scare predators away until it can regain its strength and limp across the road to a good hiding spot. Happy National Cat Day!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Streeting Nursing Home

Today we had our Halloween party in the activity room at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I dressed up as a mummy to give the patients a good scare. I had expected all the patients to dress up too, after I had made the special announcement last week about the festivities, but most of them had forgotten all about it during the week. Of the few that did dress up, Mrs. Kunkle went as the head nurse, carrying an empty wine bottle and constantly telling the others not to bother her with their problems, and Mr. Matthews went as Mr. Matthers, the character from his short story. He kept calling me Candy, the other character from his story, hoping I would play along and wear the little bathing suit he had found. But I told him it would take too long to get out of my mummy costume. Mr. Pearlman had the witch's broom I had made for him from his walking cane, but even after I struggled to get Sniffles The Seventh into his cat costume, I could not convince the seeing eye dog to stand near Mr. Pearlman. Hazel had the ghost costume I had made. Unfortunately, she refused to move from the chair in her room and join the others, so I just draped the sheet over her, making sure that the holes I had cut out for eyes were facing the window. Even though Mrs. Henley didn't have a costume, she seemed to have the best time of all the patients, eating extra portions of the medicine that I had painted to look like candy corn and teasing Mrs. Patterson about the return of Mrs. Shimshack from the grave. Mrs. Patterson was the only party-goer who seemed to actually get scared. To make the place spookier, I had removed all the light bulbs from the activity room, but most of the patients fell asleep before it was dark anyway.

A Halloween Tip From Edward

Instead of keeping the candy in a bowl by the door, put it in your pants pocket and let the children reach in for a treat.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When exhuming a body, you must provide a substantial reason for doing so. Apparently, "to use the corpse in my Halloween display" is not accepted in certain areas.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Moving into a house widely believed to be haunted will provide you with a ready-made excuse for any strange and unexpected deaths that may occur there.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last year I had to work on Halloween, and missed my chance to go trick-or-treating. So this year I am planning the Birch Street Nursing Home Halloween party for next Saturday, leaving the 31st free. Today I told the patients they had one week to put together their costumes. I realized that Mr. Pearlman, who is blind, and Hazel, who rarely moves, would have trouble making costumes, so I decided to make them myself. I sneaked into Mr. Pearlman's room while he was napping and took his white cane. I glued tiny branches to one end of it so that it looks like a witch's broom. Every witch should have a black cat, so for his seeing eye dog, Sniffles The Seventh, I made a black cat costume using some of the cat skins I have in a box in my laboratory. This took longer than I expected, so for Hazel, I decided to do something simple. I took the sheet from her bed to use for a ghost costume. Where the two largest stains were, I cut out holes for her eyes. Once I finished those costumes, I used what time I had left to begin making other preparations. I took the patients' medicine and painted it to look like candy corn, and then created a large banner to hang in the activity room. In orange letters, the banner says, "Happy Halloween!"

Edward's "For Your Information"

Parents routinely dismiss it when their children tell them they saw a man under their bed, believing it was just a bad dream.

Winsome Family History: October 16, 1966

It was on this day fifty-three years ago that I took advantage of the new National Historic Preservation Act to keep the government from digging up the land where Winsome Family Headquarters was located. In those early days, we often buried evidence right at the site of our headquarters. Thankfully, we still had those old dinosaur bones that Hotfoot McGraw had stolen from a museum years earlier. They finally paid off when we declared that they had all been found at the Winsome Family Headquarters site. Those bones not only explained to the authorities why the land around the building had clearly been dug up, but also were enough for it to be declared an important archeological landmark. By the time the authorities got wise, all the evidence had been moved to another location, as had Winsome Family Headquarters.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you work as a doctor in the geriatrics department, tell your patients to keep their minds fresh by reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog every morning.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If a loved one has died, save money on the funeral by getting a used coffin. You can hide the scratches and scuff marks made by the crowbar when you forced open the coffin by covering them with "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home there was a note from the head nurse at the top of my list of chores, warning me about one of the patients. The note read: "Keep a close eye on Mrs. Henley. She's been getting into the medicine, taking an extra portion for herself. I even caught her once this week trying to distribute medication to the other patients." So I went and had a talk with Mrs. Henley, telling her she is only allowed to distribute the medicine on Saturdays when I am there. I just hope none of the other patients attempt to do my chores during the week. If the nurses get wind that the patients are performing all my chores, they might fire me and I would lose my laboratory in the basement of the nursing home, as well as the ten dollars a week they pay me.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, you never know when there's going to be a power outage, or how long it will last. So keep a backup generator handy to charge your computer so you won't miss a single Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post.

Spread The Word

If you belong to a support group for alcoholics, when you stand up to tell everyone how long you've been sober, also tell them how long you've been a fan of Grandmother's Fanny Game. That will give them something to really applaud.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw that my list of chores included a special task. A shutter on the second floor had come loose, and was hanging by one hinge. For several weeks, the patients have been doing my routine chores, but I didn't think any of them would be able to climb the ladder to take care of this one. So in the early afternoon I set aside my experiment for a while to fix the shutter. Sniffles The Seventh followed me outside and curled up at the base of the ladder to keep me company. When I had climbed up to the second floor and was beginning to fix the shutter, I noticed Mr. Matthews through the window. He was seated on his bed, still wearing his bathrobe. He didn't offer to help, but smiled as I completed my task.

A Shopping Tip From Jane

If you argue long enough at the checkout counter, you'll find that most expired coupons will be accepted at stores.