Fanny Mail: A Spouse's Dilemma

Kiddies, today I received an email from Oliver Carruthers of Salem, Oregon. Oliver writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, when I married my wife, she made me believe she was very sickly and that we'd have only a brief time together. That was ten years ago. Nearly every week she comes up with a new diagnosis, a new disease, yet none have had the power to do her in. For some time now I've worried that it is all in her head. I've noticed that she also comes up with various illnesses for our pets, and is constantly taking them to the vet, even to the point where she is scheduling various surgeries for the dogs. I know that my vows included 'for better or worse,' but I was really counting on 'worse' being the case. What can I do to ensure that she gets a proper mortal disease? I don't want to divorce her or break my wedding vows, but enough already!"

Well, Oliver, even if your wife does acquire a mortal disease, it might take a while to have the final effect you desire. However, the more time she spends in a hospital, the more likely it is that she will get a serious infection. So don't dissuade her whenever she feels she needs to go, as long as her insurance is footing the bill. You might also consider telling her that the dogs seem to do better when she's away, so that she'll feel her illnesses are responsible for theirs. News like that might cause her to take matters into her own hands to avoid doing further harm to the pets. If that doesn't do the trick, you might encourage her to take up some risky hobbies. Tell her to take advantage of the little time she has left and experience as many thrills as possible. Suggest that she try hang-gliding, sky-diving and volcano-climbing, or that she become a war zone photographer. You've honored your vows to her; it's about time she fulfills her part of the agreement.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson was in the activity room, looking out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Mrs. Shimshack. I didn't bother to remind Mrs. Patterson that Mrs. Shimshack has been dead for almost six years, and instead presented her with the brooch I made in art class this week. I had done my best to replicate the special one she had lost, though I had to do it from memory and I had only seen it once. I made it out of papier-mâché, covered it with gold glitter, and used red beads for the jewels. I glued a safety pin to the back so she could fasten the brooch to her sweater. When I handed it to her, Mrs. Patterson tossed it aside, saying, "That's not my brooch." But after I explained that I made it for her in art class, she picked it up and after a moment said, "Thank you."

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you’re disguising yourself as a lifeguard, be sure to remove any signs that would create suspicion about you being there.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While it may seem like a good idea to hide a large piece of evidence in the belly of a beached whale, when that whale is discovered, the authorities are likely to allow biologists to complete a necropsy. During that procedure, the biologists will closely examine every item within the carcass that could have contributed to the behemoth’s demise. You don’t want photos of your evidence to show up in the pages of textbooks and science magazines, Kiddies.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Putting caution tape around the playground equipment will mean that the only action for the kids at the park will be at your ice cream truck.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Find out which sports team the jury foreman follows, and wear a T-shirt with that team's logo every day at your trial.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Sunday Edition

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I was relieved to find that none of the patients were outside like they were yesterday. However, Mrs. Patterson refused to move from her spot by the window of the activity room. She said she's certain that Mrs. Shimshack will return to steal more things, and that when she does, she will be ready to grab her brooch back. Mrs. Patterson seemed determined to follow this plan, and even turned down an offer of my special cupcakes. So I've decided that this week I will make a new brooch for her in art class at school.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I was surprised to find a few of the patients outside, wandering the grounds. I asked Mrs Henley what they were doing, but she was confused and couldn't tell me. It wasn't until I heard Mrs. Patterson yelling at Mr. Pearlman to check under the bushes that I realized what was going on. Mrs. Patterson had brought them out to search for the spot where Mrs. Shimshack had hidden her missing jeweled brooch. It took me quite a while to coax them all back inside. When I finally did, I found a note from the head nurse at the top of my list of chores, telling me she needed me to also work tomorrow because she suddenly came into a little money and decided to take the other nurses on vacation to a casino to gamble it. She left me not only the ten dollars for each day, but, as a thank-you, an extra five dollars for my services.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

You may have noticed that crazy people on the subway end up with a lot of space around them. So if space is getting tight on a subway car, begin rocking and humming loudly to yourself. If that doesn't create sufficient room, fake a severe arm spasm and begin shouting obscenities. That ought to provide you with the space you require to relax so that you can have a pleasant ride. Just be mindful that you don't go to such extremes that someone contacts the authorities.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While caution tape should prevent people from entering an area, if it is a frequently traveled path, you might have only a limited time before some people get impatient and cross the line. So get that evidence out early!

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Putting up caution tape is a good way to keep people away from an area until you can remove all the evidence.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I found Mrs. Patterson, fully dressed, pacing in the activity room. She was in a terrible state, and before I could ask her what was wrong, she shouted at me, "That Mrs. Shimshack did it!" She then started to cry. "My jeweled brooch is gone, stolen by Mrs. Shimshack. And don't tell me she's still dead, because I saw her this time. She was leaving my room with the brooch as I woke up yesterday. She was disguised as a nurse." Mrs. Patterson continued on like that for much of the morning, telling me she was too groggy to chase Mrs. Shimshack down yesterday, but that she was wide awake now and will catch her the moment she shows her face again. It wasn't until I made a batch of my special cupcakes that I was able to calm Mrs. Patterson down and get on with my list of chores. Right before I left at the end of the day, Mrs. Patterson woke up and told me to watch out for Mrs. Shimshack.

Grandmother's Fanny Game Anniversary

Kiddies, thank you for the many anniversary wishes. It is so sweet of you to remember that the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog began on this date, and to mark the occasion with kind emails and remembrances. Many of you have asked me how this blog started. I had actually been answering questions and giving advice long before starting this blog, and in fact long before any blogs existed. In the old days, I had my own newsletter, which was distributed to a distinguished group of individuals. I started publishing it because I found myself answering the same questions over and over, and thought a newsletter would help curtail that. The blog was the logical next step, and made it easier to reach my fans around the globe.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it might prove beneficial to have a few accents in your repertoire. Theatre departments at some colleges offer courses in perfecting various accents. However, be sure to keep this talent to yourself. If any of your friends or family members end up questioned by the authorities, you don't want them to be able to divulge that you have this skill.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

A severe coughing fit during the previews will keep people from sitting in front of you at the movie theater.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home today, Mr. Matthews greeted me at the door and told me he had something urgent he had to discuss with me. He said he'd heard that I'd been writing letters and even a will for some of the other patients, and that he too had something important he needed my help in writing, a short story he wanted to get published. He said it was a love story about an older man and a much younger woman, but that the writing had to be done in his room because he feared that if someone heard his idea, that person would steal it. I spent most of the morning writing, and it wasn't until I told him I had to get lunch for the other patients that he wrapped up the story of Mr. Matthers and Candy.

Spread The Word

If you work in a hospital or doctor's office, add this question to the health assessment form you give to patients: "Do you check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates daily?" Then, if anyone marks "No," tell that person you are concerned about his or her health.

Fanny Mail: A Holy Message

Kiddies, I was tickled pink to receive this letter today from Father Sullivan of Towson, Maryland. Father Sullivan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, this past Easter, as I was administering the holy sacrament of confession, I was introduced to a new sin, one I had been previously unaware of. In my small congregation of ninety-five parishioners, at least a dozen confessed that they had failed to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates at least once since their last confession. I wasn't sure how many prayers I should have them recite as penance, until I found your blog. Now I know I let them off too easily with just five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I am delighted to count you and your parishioners among my fans.

Flowers In Bloom

Look at how beautiful those flowers are, Kiddies! Most people would never guess that there is a decade's worth of evidence buried under there.